31. They Were Just A Lesson. Now Learn It & Let Them Go
On Aware & Aggravated, Leo Skepi reflects on his past relentless pursuit of goals in his career and relationships. He admits to lowering standards and overlooking unacceptable behaviors in his quest for a successful relationship. Skepi describes how this approach led to loss of self-trust, resentment, and diminished motivation after a relationship breakdown.
In the aftermath, Skepi shifted from forcing to allowing, realizing tenacity alone cannot sustain relationships. He encourages listeners to embrace discomfort when setting boundaries rooted in seeking approval from others. Ultimately, Skepi advocates for accepting ease in achieving goals and facing fears to regain self-confidence.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 10, 2025 episode of the Aware & Aggravated
Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.
1-Page Summary
Speaker's Past "Forcing" Approach
A speaker, Leo Skepi, reflects on his past relentless, forceful approach to overcoming obstacles and achieving career and relationship goals, continually recommitting despite setbacks. He pushed through challenges with tenacity, but applied this unyielding mindset incorrectly to personal relationships.
Tolerating Unacceptable Relationship Behaviors
Skepi admits to lowering standards and tolerating unacceptable behaviors in a past relationship, believing endurance would lead to his desired outcome as in his career. Only later did he realize forcing relationships was flawed.
Relationship Failure's Impact
The failed relationship shook Skepi's belief in creating desired outcomes, leading to self-doubt in his worth, skills, and judgment. Post-breakup, he became a people-pleaser seeking validation instead of trusting himself.
Obligations, Resentment, and Lack of Motivation
Unable to refuse obligations, Skepi felt trapped and unmotivated, considering substance abuse to cope. His loss of self-trust impacted mental wellbeing.
Regaining Confidence
Skepi realized forcing doesn't work for relationships, where emotions need consideration, not avoidance. He shifted to receiving and allowing, not fighting for success.
New Approach: Accepting Without Earning
Instead of battling, Skepi now welcomes ease in achieving goals. He urges facing fears around setting boundaries rooted in needing approval, embracing initial discomfort to regain self-confidence and -trust.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While Skepi's forceful approach may have been ineffective in personal relationships, it's possible that a modified version of tenacity could still be beneficial if balanced with empathy and communication.
- Endurance and persistence can sometimes be virtues in relationships, especially when working through mutual challenges, as long as they are not at the expense of one's self-respect or well-being.
- The idea that Skepi became a people-pleaser post-breakup might not fully consider that seeking validation from others can be a natural response to loss and not necessarily a negative transformation.
- The notion that Skepi felt unable to refuse obligations could be seen as a lack of setting healthy boundaries rather than an inherent flaw in his character.
- Considering substance abuse to cope suggests a serious issue, but it's important to acknowledge that many people consider and reject unhealthy coping mechanisms without acting on them.
- The shift to a mindset of receiving and allowing might not be suitable for all individuals or situations, as some goals may still require proactive effort and a degree of assertiveness.
- Welcoming ease in achieving goals could potentially lead to complacency or a lack of preparedness for when challenges do arise.
- The advice to face fears around setting boundaries could be more nuanced, as the discomfort in doing so can vary greatly depending on individual circumstances and past experiences.
- Embracing initial discomfort to regain self-confidence and self-trust might not be a universally applicable strategy, as different individuals may require different approaches to rebuild their self-esteem.
Actionables
- You can start a personal "emotional audit" journal to identify patterns in your behavior that may be similar to forceful approaches in relationships. Each day, write down instances where you felt you were pushing too hard or not respecting your own boundaries. Reflect on these moments and consider alternative responses that align with a more receptive and balanced approach to interpersonal dynamics.
- Develop a "boundary-setting plan" by listing areas in your life where you've struggled to say no or have felt resentful after agreeing to something. For each area, write down one small step you can take to assert your boundaries, such as declining an extra task at work or choosing to spend time alone instead of attending an event you're not interested in. Practice these steps regularly to build confidence in your ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
- Create a "self-validation challenge" where, for one week, you focus on acknowledging your worth without seeking external approval. Each day, identify one personal achievement or quality you appreciate about yourself and write it down. At the end of the week, review your list and reflect on how recognizing your own value has affected your mood and self-perception, aiming to integrate this practice into your daily routine.
Get access to the context and additional materials
Speaker's Past "Forcing" Approach to Goals and Success
A speaker reflects on their past approach to achieving goals, which entailed a relentless, forceful effort to push through challenges, both in their career and personal life.
The Speaker's Mindset: Overcoming Obstacles and Recommitting To Goals and Ambitions
The speaker narrates their journey to success as demanding and challenging, one where they had to force through every obstacle. Despite feelings of discouragement and defeat, they found it crucial to continually recommit to their goals and ambitions. This tenacity was rooted in a deep-seated belief in their own resilience and ability to overcome barriers to achieve desired outcomes.
Speaker Overcomes Challenges and Setbacks to Achieve Success
Applying a rigorous and disciplined mindset, the speaker successfully pushed through setbacks in their professional life, constantly reaffirming their commitment to their goals. This practice became a core part of their strategy for achieving success.
Application of "Forcing" Mindset to Past Relationship
Unfortunately, this unyielding approach was not confined to the speaker's career goals but also spilled over into their personal relationships, particularly with significant consequences.
Speaker's Disciplined Career Approach to Relationship: Constant Recommitment Despite Red Flags
The speaker, identified as Leo Skepi, reveals how they applied the same 'forcing' strategy to a relationship, undeterred by the red flags that emerged. Leo saw each problem that should have prompted him to leave as a hurdle to recommit and push through, as he had done in his professional life.
Tolerating Unacceptable Behaviors For Desired Outcomes
Leo Skepi admitted that he had dropped his standards for the ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Speaker's Past "Forcing" Approach to Goals and Success
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The speaker's belief in recommitting to goals despite challenges may overlook the importance of flexibility and adaptability in both personal and professional life.
- A rigorous and disciplined mindset can be beneficial, but it may also lead to burnout or neglect of other important life aspects, such as health and relationships.
- Success in professional life does not always translate to personal life; different skills and approaches are often required.
- Ignoring red flags in a relationship can be harmful and may indicate a lack of healthy boundaries or self-respect.
- Tolerating unacceptable behavior in a relationship is not a sustainable strategy for long ...
Actionables
- You can set clear boundaries in personal relationships by writing down non-negotiable values and deal-breakers to avoid the trap of 'forcing' a relationship to work. For example, if honesty is a non-negotiable value for you, make a note of it and commit to addressing any dishonest behavior immediately rather than letting it slide in the hope of achieving a desired outcome.
- Develop a flexible mindset by practicing adaptive goal-setting where you periodically assess and adjust your goals based on current circumstances. Start with a monthly review of your personal and professional goals, and allow yourself to make changes if you encounter new information or if certain strategies are not yielding the expected results.
- Create a 'challenge journal' to docu ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Relationship Failure's Impact on Confidence and Self-Trust
A failed relationship led Leo Skepi to a tumultuous journey of self-doubt and a loss of confidence and trust in their own abilities, which subsequently influenced various aspects of his life.
Speaker Lost Faith In Creating Desired Outcomes
After the end of an important relationship, Leo Skepi grappled with feelings of rejection and abandonment that shook their belief in their capacity to influence outcomes in life. The breakup left him questioning his worth, appearance, and intelligence. Leo mentions that he hasn't felt the same emotionally or mentally since the breakup over a year ago, and despite trying to move on, reminders of the past provoked feelings of fury and a lingering resentment.
Breakup Led To Self-Doubt In Value, Skills, and Judgment
Skepi experienced self-doubt after tolerating behaviors he found unacceptable, hoping for a different outcome. He felt abandoned at a time when he was prepared to reevaluate the relationship's future. This distrust extended into his professional life, where he began to question his competency, significantly eroding his overall confidence.
Speaker Became a "People-Pleaser," Seeking Approval Instead of Self-Trust
The loss of trust in himself spiraled into a broader crisis that affected other areas of his life, including his confidence in business decisions. Post-breakup, Skepi found himself seeking approval from others rather than relying on his judgment, leading to a maladaptive pattern of becoming a "people-pleaser."
Speaker's Struggle With Obligations, Resentment, and Lack of Motivation
Skepi's loss of self-trust and the need to seek external validation left him overwhelmed by obligations that he found himself unable to refuse—actions which then turned into sources of resentment. This struggle to assert boundaries further weakened his confidence.
Speaker Trapped by Obligations, Lost Ability to Say No, Damaging Confidence
The ongoing struggle with obligations and ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Relationship Failure's Impact on Confidence and Self-Trust
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While a failed relationship can lead to a loss of confidence and self-trust, it's also possible for individuals to use such experiences as a catalyst for personal growth and self-discovery.
- Doubting one's value, skills, and judgment after a breakup is a common reaction, but it's important to recognize that self-worth is not solely determined by relationship status.
- Becoming a "people-pleaser" may be a response to seeking approval, but it could also be a phase in the process of redefining personal boundaries and understanding one's limits in social interactions.
- Struggling with obligations and resentment might indicate a need for better communication skills and assertiveness, rather than an inherent lack of motivation.
- Feeling trapped by obligations ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal value statement to reaffirm your self-worth and guide your decisions. Write down what you truly value and believe in, and refer to this statement whenever you're faced with choices that might lead to people-pleasing or when you doubt your worth. For example, if honesty and creativity are core values for you, turn down requests that require you to be disingenuous or stifle your creativity.
- Develop a "No" practice to regain control over your obligations. Start by saying no to small, non-critical requests that don't align with your priorities or values. Keep a journal to reflect on how each "no" makes you feel and the positive outcomes it brings, like having more time for activities that matter to you.
- Engage in a daily self-trust exercise by making small pro ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Regaining Confidence and Learning a New Approach
Leo Skepi shares his personal journey of shifting from a mindset of 'forcing' relationships to allowing things to happen naturally, emphasizing the importance of emotions and setting boundaries.
Speaker's Realization That "Forcing" Doesn't Work For Relationships
Leo Skepi, following a breakup, came to understand that the persistent, goal-oriented mentality he applied in business success is not appropriate for personal relationships. He recognized the need to consider emotions rather than bypass them, as one might in pursuit of career goals.
Speaker Recognized Difference Between Goal-Oriented Discipline Versus Forced Relationships
During this period of reflection, Skepi discerned a clear distinction between the discipline necessary for business achievements and the delicate dynamics required for nurturing relationships. The approach of 'forcing' outcomes became clearly unsuitable for the latter.
Emotions in Relationships Need Consideration, Not Avoidance
Skepi stresses the importance of engaging with emotions within relationships, acknowledging that it stands in stark contrast to the detachment sometimes exercised in the professional arena. This realization prompted a departure from his former methodology of applying force.
The Speaker's Approach Of Receiving and Allowing, Not Forcing
Skepi is committing to receive and allow life's events to unfold without the fight or struggle he used to deem necessary for success. This new attitude is reflected even in the way he now conducts his podcast, forgoing scripts and plans to embrace a flow of natural conversation.
The Speaker Is Learning to Accept Without Feeling the Need to Earn or Fight For Everything
Embracing a mindset that allows for ease in life's accomplishments, Skepi has been learning to welcome positive outcomes without feeling the need to constantly battle for them.
Adopting a Mindset of Ease In Achieving Life Goals
Leo Skepi is working towards a life free of imposed obligations, setting a path that affirms the ability to achieve goals without th ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Regaining Confidence and Learning a New Approach
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While adopting a mindset of ease can be beneficial, it's important to recognize that some goals do require hard work and perseverance, and a balance must be struck between allowing things to happen and actively working towards them.
- Emotions are indeed crucial in relationships, but it's also necessary to maintain a level of rationality to ensure healthy boundaries and mutual respect.
- The concept of not forcing things to happen might not be suitable for all individuals or situations, as some people may find that a more proactive approach is more aligned with their personality or life circumstances.
- Setting boundaries is important, but it's also crucial to maintain flexibility and adaptability in relationships, as being too rigid can lead to isolation or missed opportunities for growth.
- The advice to shift away from people-pleasing is sound, but it's also important to consider the value of compromise and cooperation in maintaining healthy r ...
Actionables
- You can practice emotional check-ins with friends or family to foster a nurturing environment. Set aside a regular time each week where you and a loved one share your feelings without judgment or solutions, simply acknowledging and accepting each other's emotional states. This habit can help you become more comfortable with emotions in relationships and move away from a goal-oriented approach.
- Start a personal 'Boundary Journal' to become more aware of your people-pleasing tendencies. Each day, write down instances where you felt the urge to please someone at the expense of your own comfort. Note how you responded and how you might set a boundary next time. This reflection can help you recognize your fear of disapproval and gradually shift towards setting healthy boundaries.
- Creat ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Create Summaries for anything on the web
Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser
