PDF Summary:Women Don't Ask, by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever

In the business world, women often face an uphill battle when negotiating salaries, promotions, and opportunities. In Women Don't Ask, Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever analyze the societal expectations and psychological factors that undermine women's confidence during negotiations. They explore how women are socialized from a young age to prioritize others' needs over their own, suppress assertiveness to preserve relationships, and undervalue their accomplishments and worth.

The authors break down barriers that prevent women from confidently pursuing their goals—the anxiety that accompanies negotiations, feelings of not being "deserving" of requests, and worries that assertiveness results in backlash from others. With insights from career anecdotes and research studies, Babcock and Laschever empower women to overcome these hindrances and level the playing field in the workplace.

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Studies by Babcock and Laschever have shown that the ways in which boys and girls engage in play are distinct, and these differences are often encouraged and shaped by adults. Boys often engage in impromptu contests that emphasize competition and physical prowess, establishing their hierarchy, whereas girls generally favor close-knit group interactions governed by clear guidelines and exhibiting a more cooperative spirit. The authors observe that through such play, boys acquire the skill to navigate through conflicts and disagreements while preserving their interpersonal connections. During playtime, girls frequently learn lessons that are distinct from those their peers acquire. Women are often socialized to value harmony over direct confrontation, with the awareness that openly expressing their wishes could harm their relationships, yet they sometimes find that avoiding conflict can quietly fulfill their needs. In the cherished children's series "Dragon Tales," Emmy dreams of joining the Dragon Scouts. She remains silent, wishing her peers will recognize her eagerness and include her, rather than directly requesting to join in, a behavior commonly exhibited by boys. Her companions ultimately suggest that her approach yields better results than a straightforward and assertive tactic where she would proactively control the situation. The authors argue that the different play encouraged for boys and girls equips boys with an essential ability that girls frequently do not learn: the art of realizing their wishes by challenging the status quo and championing their personal goals.

Traits like determination and the unwavering chase of personal ambitions, frequently lauded in men, may be perceived unfavorably when demonstrated by women.

Laschever and Babcock contend that the persistent underrepresentation of women in top management and executive roles leads to a common unease that hinders the fair evaluation of women's skills and qualifications in comparison to their male counterparts. Carly Fiorina is widely acknowledged in the United States for her reputation as a past chief executive officer with significant potential. During the merger of HP and Compaq, Fiorina faced skepticism about her capabilities from male peers who also perpetuated the perception that she was overbearing and authoritarian. After observing for several days, a journalist from Fortune attributed the responses of her male colleagues more to their discomfort with women in leadership roles than to any specific deeds or remarks made by Fiorina.

Women often face adverse reactions and consequences from people of all genders when they confidently stand their ground and participate in negotiations.

Women frequently encounter a dilemma where they are subject to criticism regardless of whether they opt to speak up for themselves or not. When women display characteristics or conduct themselves in ways often linked to males, like being aggressive, assertive, or ambitious, they frequently encounter negative responses due to the perception that they are violating established gender roles. The book delves into a specific initiative known as "Bully Broads," in which female executives receive coaching, often with the $18,000 cost being underwritten by the companies they work for, to cultivate a friendlier manner of self-presentation. The initiative referred to as "Bully Broads" acknowledges that this type of conduct is frequently considered more permissible for men. Ron Steck, the vice president at Bully Broads, observed that it's not a requirement for male leaders to be constantly amiable. He is afforded more tolerance for unpleasant behavior. The study conducted by Babcock and Laschever indicates that men may avoid women who are assertive and successful, potentially complicating these women's efforts to establish romantic relationships and families. Women frequently overlook chances to progress and might be seen as less competent when they do not champion their own interests. As a woman climbs the corporate ladder, she may encounter such responses because of the persistent underrepresentation of women in leadership roles across numerous firms.

When women display assertiveness, they risk being unfairly branded with pejorative labels such as "bitchy" or "difficult," which can adversely affect their standing in professional and personal spheres.

This section of the text examines the consequences that women encounter when they challenge traditional gender norms with assertiveness. The authors report that research in many areas has demonstrated that people accept aggressive behavior from men much more easily than they accept it from women. Students were presented with a pair of statements, one being assertive and the other more reserved, and were made aware of whether a male or female had made each statement. Men's self-promotion did not impact how likable they were perceived to be, yet women experienced a notable decrease in perceived likeability when engaging in comparable behavior. Women who self-promote often encounter more severe repercussions than men do in similar situations. The study detailed by the authors involved recording research assistants of both genders, who exhibited a variety of nonverbal signals that indicated dominance, submissiveness, task orientation, or relational communication, despite conveying identical messages. Audience members of both genders expressed the highest levels of approval for male speakers who employed a task-focused approach, while they found women speakers to be most convincing when they engaged in a style that emphasized interpersonal relations.

Societal resistance often discourages women from chasing their personal goals when it involves challenging gender norms.

Babcock and Laschever argue that women who demonstrate assertiveness may encounter negative consequences, which could discourage them from pursuing their professional and personal goals with the same vigor and determination that men commonly use without fear of negative consequences. They underscore different actions that might provoke adverse reactions, such as direct communication without mitigating terms, expressing dissent, and using non-verbal cues that might be seen as exerting dominance, for instance, keeping unbroken eye contact while conversing. They discuss the case of Sandy, employed in the role of a commercial lending officer within a banking firm. Sandy worked jointly with the male president of the company for several months to obtain a significant loan for his business, enduring his condescending attitude throughout the process. Upon her recommendation for her bank to manage the loan, in light of rival bids from other local banks, the president adamantly declined to discuss such a substantial monetary transaction with a woman, declaring his plan to cut off relations with the bank if she wasn't replaced with a man. Sandy's requests received approval from both of his male superiors. Sandy encountered negative consequences when she pursued a job for which she felt assured in her capabilities, despite someone suggesting it was more appropriate for a male.

Practical Tips

• You can start a personal "assertiveness diary" to track moments when you stand your ground or negotiate confidently. Each day, jot down instances where you practiced assertiveness, how you felt, and the outcomes. This will help you see patterns in your behavior and the reactions of others, reinforcing your confidence in these situations.
• Create a "goal affirmation jar" where you write down personal ambitions on slips of paper and place them in a jar. Each week, pull out one goal and dedicate time to advancing it, regardless of societal expectations. This tangible reminder serves to keep your personal goals at the forefront of your daily life.
• Engage in role-playing exercises with friends where you practice assertiveness in hypothetical scenarios. Take turns playing different roles in situations where you might face criticism for being assertive. This safe environment allows you to experiment with responses and build resilience against negative labels.

Women tend to enter into negotiations less often, a behavior influenced by a combination of psychological and emotional factors such as anxiety, a lack of self-assurance, and concerns over preserving relationships.

This section delves into how psychological and emotional factors, such as apprehension and the tendency among women to prioritize interpersonal connections, exacerbate the challenges posed by cultural and societal constraints. These elements frequently lead to women setting less lofty goals and showing a greater propensity to compromise during negotiations, typically leading to less advantageous results.

The prospect of negotiating typically induces more anxiety and discomfort in women than in men.

This section explores the notion that women's reluctance to negotiate can negatively impact both their participation in such discussions and the outcomes they achieve. Women frequently experience greater anxiety than men in various bargaining situations, such as when buying a car or settling the conditions of a job. Gabriela, who holds a top position at a renowned symphony orchestra, frequently participates in discussions with unions, foundations, and performance spaces to promote her organization's objectives. Gabriela is reluctant to ask for a higher salary, knowing that it could lead to enhanced income and increased respect from her board of directors.

Their emphasis on maintaining amicable interactions is a factor in why women often refrain from starting negotiations that might result in discord.

Babcock and Laschever found that women are considerably more impeded by similar degrees of anxiety compared to men. A successful enterprise was established by a gentleman in Pittsburgh to provide support to customers in negotiating car purchases. A significant portion of his clientele comprises women. Women who approach him for assistance agree to a significant fee, effectively negating the monetary benefits he obtains for them, simply to avoid negotiating with a car salesman. Women in many circumstances also frequently express concern that starting negotiations could damage their rapport with the sellers.

Numerous females often set less lofty goals and suggest initial terms that are more reserved, largely because they doubt their abilities to negotiate.

A person's self-assurance greatly impacts the objectives they set for a negotiation, shaping the preliminary offers they present and their willingness to compromise. The book mentions a study where business school students, under the tutelage of three management professors, participated in mock salary negotiations after receiving different kinds of advice on how to negotiate. The research indicated that providing direction on goal-setting, including defining the minimum outcomes and the desired achievements, improved negotiation outcomes for everyone involved and effectively narrowed the gap in negotiation success between men and women. The authors argue that differences in negotiation outcomes between men and women are more likely due to variations in self-confidence, optimism, and self-perceived competence rather than fundamental differences in their negotiating skills.

Women tend to be more accommodating in negotiations, viewing them as potential threats to relationships instead of opportunities for mutual gains.

It has been noted by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever that women tend to view negotiations more unfavorably than men do. Men generally regard the negotiation process as a competitive challenge, whereas women give precedence to preserving relationships and frequently harbor concerns about the possibility of conflict and its impact on personal connections, including worries that the outcomes may not satisfy all parties and that there could be damage to relationships. The authors argue that such a perspective often leads women to lower their expectations and accept less than they aspire for.

Women are socialized to be more attuned to the needs and feelings of others, leading them to worry excessively about how their negotiation tactics will impact those around them.

Women frequently take into account their relationships with others, leading to concerns that their behavior, particularly in negotiations, might negatively impact not only the parties involved but also those who might be affected by the outcomes. The narrative describes a situation where a woman finds herself in a complicated predicament with a financial advisor whom she trusted but now feels should be behind bars. Upon discovering her attempts to recover her money from the advisor, her friend, who was a man, questioned why she persisted in considering the advisor's viewpoint despite the clear mistreatment she had suffered at his hands. Even though the advisor wasn't in her social network and their paths were unlikely to cross again, her inclination to preserve a relationship, despite its lack of importance or dependency for her, still shaped her viewpoint on the issue.

Women often avoid assertive bargaining out of worry that it might damage important relationships, which are closely linked to their self-esteem.

The book by Babcock and Laschever illuminates the inclination among women to avoid assertive negotiation for fear of harming their relationships, with research suggesting that a woman's self-worth is more susceptible to the negative effects of not receiving forgiveness from a friend compared to a man's. They argue that the relationships women value profoundly and consider essential are closely tied to their sense of identity, and any threat to these bonds, ranging from mild expressions of dissatisfaction to complete disapproval, can deal a considerable blow to their self-esteem. Men generally experience less distress when their interpersonal relationships face challenges. The studies suggest that compared to men, women are more likely to view negotiations, even straightforward ones, as potentially damaging, which results in a reluctance to make requests that might provoke disagreement or negative reactions from others.

Other Perspectives

• While psychological and emotional factors may influence negotiation behaviors, it's important to recognize that not all women will experience these factors in the same way, and some may be as assertive and confident as their male counterparts.
• The idea that women experience more anxiety and discomfort in negotiations than men could be influenced by cultural stereotypes, and there may be individual differences that this generalization overlooks.
• The emphasis on maintaining amicable interactions might not necessarily lead to avoidance of negotiations but could instead result in a different, potentially more collaborative negotiation style.
• Setting less ambitious goals could be a strategic choice rather than a sign of lack of confidence, as some negotiators may aim for realistic outcomes to ensure successful agreements.
• Viewing negotiations as threats to relationships might be a reflection of a negotiation style that values long-term relationships over short-term gains, which can be beneficial in many contexts.
• The socialization of women to be attuned to the needs and feelings of others could also equip them with better empathy and understanding in negotiations, leading to more effective outcomes.
• Avoiding assertive bargaining does not always stem from fear of damaging relationships; it could also be a tactical decision to maintain a positive negotiating climate or to use alternative influence strategies.
• The research cited may not account for the full range of social and economic factors that influence negotiation behaviors, and there may be other explanations for the observed differences between men and women in negotiation contexts.