PDF Summary:Who Will Cry When You Die?, by Robin Sharma
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In Who Will Cry When You Die?, self-help guru Robin Sharma wants to know if you’ll feel happy with the life you’ve led when you’re on your deathbed. Sharma thinks that most people lead lives they’ll regret because they focus on the wrong things—success, money, fame—and none of the right things—family, community, love. If you think you might have end-of-life regrets, Sharma provides a collection of pithy life lessons and advice to help you seize control of your life and turn it into one you’ll look back on fondly.
We’ve grouped those lessons into eight broader tactics that will help you cope with adversity, build self-discipline, spread kindness, and more. You’ll come away with actionables you can implement daily to make your life better and background on the philosophies, ideologies, and science on which Sharma draws.
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Rather than making every moment in your life matter, therefore, you might solely make your relationships more meaningful.
Tactic 3: Be Mindful
Mindfulness is another key tactic Sharma recommends to seize control of life. If you’re mindful of the task at hand, you execute it to the best of your ability, he says. You gain more control over what you do and your impact.
(Shortform note: Intense focus on the present can be helpful in your work life, too, according to Cal Newport in Deep Work. Newport’s concept of deep work is an activity that demands all your concentration. As we move toward an economy in which deep work is more necessary than shallow work, honing your ability to do deep work increases your workplace value.)
Sharma recognizes that it’s hard to concentrate because our world is full of distractions. But you possess the power to concentrate: Learn to control your thoughts and focus. If you can’t, your attention will constantly shift, and you’ll never progress toward your purpose.
(Shortform note: Sharma’s advice to control your thoughts and avoid distraction has much in common with Buddhist teachings. In Buddhism, "Right Concentration,” the ability to focus on a single activity or idea, is part of the Buddha’s Eightfold Path that leads to enlightenment. Buddhist teachings add that learning to concentrate intently on negative desires or feelings, such as revenge, does not lead to enlightenment. Your state of mind must be pure and open-hearted, with a desire to attain a higher level of awareness.)
Tactic 4: Cope Appropriately With Difficulty
Sharma’s fourth tactic for gaining control of your life is to handle difficulties with grace. Challenges and hardship are an unavoidable part of life, but you don’t have to let them wrest control from you. We’ll cover two changes to your thinking that will help you cope more effectively with challenges.
Change Your Thinking by Focusing on the Present and Future, Not on the Past
To handle difficulty more gracefully, Sharma demands you exert mental energy only on what you can improve in the present and future rather than on the past. Beating yourself up over unchangeable mistakes only prevents you from moving on.
Instead, says Sharma, figure out what lessons you can derive from your mistake. View mistakes as blessings because they provide you with insights that help you become a better person.
(Shortform note: Sharma tells you to avoid backward-looking and non-productive thinking. This specific type of thinking is called rumination: the act of dwelling on or obsessing over negative events or situations. One way to combat rumination is to orient your focus toward the positives of a situation—similarly to Sharma’s recommendation to view mistakes as lessons, rather than shortcomings. For example, if you feel you made a social gaffe, frame it as a learning experience. You wouldn’t have gained the knowledge to do better next time without this failure.)
Change Your Thinking by Seeing Difference as an Asset
Sharma’s second recommended mental adjustment to cope better with problems is to stop finding fault in things and people that aren’t completely to your liking. See divergence and difference as beautiful and critical to the functioning of the world, not as impediments.
(Shortform note: Since the publication of this book in 1999, celebrating diversity and difference and promoting inclusion have become foundational concerns to the way we live—and especially to the way we work. Businesses usually promote diversity through educational programs and diversity and inclusion groups. For organizations, this ensures employee understanding of difference and compliance with diversity projects, as employers can’t guarantee employees will make the necessary mental adjustments themselves.)
Tactic 5: Seek Help From Others
Sharma’s fifth tactic for taking the reins of your life is to benefit from the wisdom of others. Sharma believes that you can’t possibly accrue all the experiences you need to pursue your purpose first-hand. However, you can gain the learning you’d acquire from those experiences second-hand from others. We’ll talk about two specific ways to gather the wisdom and support of others.
Refer to Your Personal Panel of Imaginary Mentors
Sharma’s first recommendation for gaining input from others is to create an imaginary panel of specialized mentors and turn to them for guidance. When you need advice on a tough problem, imagine what a mentor would tell you.
You don’t have to know these mentors, and they don’t have to even be alive, assures Sharma. They should just be figures you admire and who have something to offer to your life. For instance, your panel might consist of Steve Jobs for advice on innovation, Oprah for advice on self-care, and the Dalai Lama for advice on spirituality.
(Shortform note: Sharma recommends heeding the (imaginary) advice of a panel of specialists in their fields. But David Epstein, author of Range, would argue that it’s wiser to heed the advice of generalists, rather than specialists. Generalists, he feels, are better equipped to handle unpredictability and adapt to novel circumstances than specialists. Therefore, when building your panel of mentors, consider including some generalists who can “advise” you on many areas of life.)
Refer to Your Personal Panel of Real Supporters
In addition to creating your imaginary panel of supporters, Sharma also recommends building an active group of three to four people who offer mutual support in achieving goals. Pick a few friends who have a good head on their shoulders and to whom you, in turn, have something to offer. Set up a weekly meeting with this group to talk through current challenges.
(Shortform note: Sharma recommends creating a support group of at least three to four trustworthy people. Not everyone may know four such people, though, and studies even showed that in 2004, many Americans had no close friends. To meet more people to add to your trusted group of supporters, expand your network of casual friendships and acquaintances. Casual acquaintances can eventually become trusted confidants.)
Tactic 6: Be More Disciplined
Sharma’s sixth tactic for getting a handle on your life is to develop your self-discipline. He believes that in developing discipline, you choose to make active decisions in your life, rather than letting life happen to you—a form of seizing control. We’ll discuss how you can see discipline as a form of self-care, rather than self-punishment.
See Self-Discipline as a Form of Self-Care
Sharma argues that being disciplined is a form of self-care. When you exert discipline over yourself, you make choices that are unpleasant in the short term but better for you in the long term. These hard choices also often guide you toward your purpose. Additionally, by putting in the work to improve yourself, you don’t wait around for the world to force you to improve—an experience that’s usually more painful, claims Sharma.
(Shortform note: Sharma’s a big believer in self-discipline, but others take a more critical stance toward it. Some feel that self-discipline stems from deep-seated anxiety over not finishing projects on time or a sense that your worth is completely based on your performance. Self-discipline, therefore, might not confer greater benefit to you in the long run, as Sharma believes, because you never give yourself the chance to enjoy the fruits of your labors. You’re too busy working to avoid guilt or anxiety over the next project.)
Tactic 7: Practice Kindness
Sharma feels that practicing kindness towards others and oneself is a tactic integral to seizing control of your life. This is because when you show kindness, you more effectively pursue your altruistic purpose in life. Let’s say your purpose is to add value to your community. When you perform community service with a kind disposition, you add more value than if you had a sullen or even neutral disposition.
(Shortform note: Beyond enabling you to more effectively pursue your purpose, practicing self-kindness has other benefits. Being kind to yourself turns off your body’s threat response, thereby calming your heart rate and reducing damage to your immune system. In this relaxed, unthreatened state, your body can regenerate and heal. Being kind to others, in turn, can have a positive impact on your mood and self-esteem.)
Tactic 8: Let Go
Sharma’s final tactic for seizing control of life is to use downtime and mental breaks to be more in control and pursue your purpose more productively.
Sharma recommends incorporating several types of intentional breaks in your daily life, including a weekly personal break to reconnect you to your purpose. The point of these breaks is to refresh your mind and energize you to live the rest of your day or week in service of your purpose—not to disengage from reality, for instance, by scrolling through social media feeds.
(Shortform note: In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown elaborates on the idea that we need intentional breaks in our days by introducing the acronym DIG. People who DIG are good at taking intentional breaks: They’re Deliberate in their choices of what to dedicate their energy toward, Inspired to make things better for themselves, and get Going to act on that inspiration. Applying DIG can help you more proactively take the right kind of break when you need it.)
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