PDF Summary:Validation, by Caroline Fleck

Many people struggle with connection and conflict because the skills they need—validation skills—aren’t widely taught. Most people don’t even understand what validation is or how powerful it can be. But with her 2025 book Validation, clinical psychologist Caroline Fleck aims to fill this gap. She breaks validation down into eight skills you can use to change people’s behavior, make life feel more meaningful, and enhance any relationship, including your relationship with yourself.

In our guide, we’ll explain what validation is, how it can benefit you, and how to apply validation skills in everyday life. We’ll also explore the history of validation along with several problems validation helps you solve, ranging from the existential to the practical.

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Second, cultivate genuine curiosity. If you’re not really interested in what the other person is saying, you won’t seem engaged. The authors of Difficult Conversations explain that you can cultivate genuine curiosity by managing your inner voice—everything you’re thinking but not saying. If you’re focused on your inner voice, you’re at best only half-listening to the other person. You can quiet this voice by reminding yourself that you must listen carefully to truly understand what the other person is sharing with you.

The authors of Difficult Conversations also explain what kinds of questions show you’re genuinely curious: Ask open-ended questions about specific information, like what the person experienced, how they feel about it, and why it matters to them. Avoid asking questions with the intention of proving them wrong or to express a veiled opinion about what they’re sharing—this will make them feel judged and defensive.

Finally, manage your judgments so they don’t distract you from engaging authentically with what the other person is sharing. One way to manage your judgments is to practice intellectual humility—a willingness to recognize the limits of your knowledge and to understand that your beliefs and interpretations might be wrong. When you approach a conversation with the assumption that the other person may see something you don’t, your attention shifts from judging to learning. This makes it easier to fully engage without mentally rehearsing counterarguments or snap evaluations.

Skill #2: Echoing

Another way to be fully present is by echoing—reflecting someone’s words or behavior back to them. This is a way of showing that you’re on common ground: You see things the way the other person sees them, and you behave similarly too. This increases feelings of closeness and trust—to the extent that, according to research, echoing can reduce baked-in racial biases, enhance empathy, and increase cooperation. Fleck also cites research by couples therapists John and Julie Gottman showing that couples who use echoing techniques during arguments have a better chance of resolving their conflicts.

To echo someone, repeat the key phrases and nonverbal cues the person you’re validating uses—but try to do it in a way that feels natural, not forced or overbearing. For example, say someone is trying to explain how excited they are about a new career opportunity. To express this, they refer to the opportunity as “humongous” and gesture widely with their arms. Making the same gesture or using the same word might feel awkward, so instead, you smile (widening your mouth instead of your arms) and say, “Wow, that must feel like a huge step forward!” This makes them feel as though you really understand just how important this opportunity is to them.

Although echoing can strengthen connection and make people feel understood, Fleck warns against using it when the other person is expressing negative feelings like anger or distress. Echoing negative cues can amplify their negative emotions, making the situation worse. In these cases, it’s better to provide comfort.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

What makes echoing powerful enough to help people who’ve been driven apart by their differences come together? Neuroscientists point to the role of mirror neurons—brain cells that fire both when you perform an action and when you observe someone else performing it. Experts first discovered these neurons in macaque monkeys and believe humans have them too, although it’s hard to identify individual brain cells in isolation.

Neuroscientists posit that the human mirroring system lets you internally simulate another person’s expressions, tone, and posture so you can experience their emotional state firsthand. When you echo someone’s words or body language, you activate this mirroring system in both of you. As a result, you feel like you’re in sync, which can dampen defensiveness and increase empathy. (Some researchers argue that this can lead to reduced racial prejudice, as Fleck notes, but other research suggests that our mirror neurons are less responsive in cross-racial situations, making them less effective promoters of trust and closeness.)

In tense conversations, the sense of embodied alignment that mirror neurons create can make the other person feel understood, creating the conditions for cooperation and repair. But just as easily, as Fleck points out, it can amplify negative emotions like anger or distress and make the situation even more tense. Other experts add that mirror neurons are also responsible for emotional contagion, a term for the way emotions spread from person to person. For example, say you calmly start a conversation about a relationship issue, and your partner responds with anger. You might find yourself feeling angry too, simply because your mirror neurons automatically simulated your partner’s emotional state.

So, how can you wield the power of your mirror neurons wisely? You can’t control whether or how your mirror neurons respond to others, but you can control your actions. Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön recommends taking a gap—a mindful pause the length of three deep breaths—before you react to any situation, especially if it’s emotionally charged. This gap gives you an opportunity to reflect on the best approach to the situation (that is, whether and how to echo the other person), rather than automatically following through on your brain’s “monkey see, monkey do” tendencies. In our example, taking a gap could help you avoid responding to your angry partner with more anger.

How to Legitimize Another’s Experience

Once you’ve mastered being fully present, you can move on to the next phase of validation: legitimizing, or identifying and affirming the parts of someone’s experience that are reasonable, effective, or true. Fleck suggests that this is most useful when you want to help someone see that their thoughts, feelings, or actions make sense, even if they’re struggling, frustrated, or unsure of themselves.

(Shortform note: Narrative identity theory helps explain why people need to feel that their experiences make sense. According to this theory, each person creates their identity by constructing a story about their life that integrates past events with present perceptions and future goals. We rely on this story to experience our lives as coherent rather than random. When something happens that feels incomprehensible—or when our reactions seem irrational—it disrupts that narrative continuity, creating distress. Legitimizing someone’s thoughts or feelings helps them weave difficult experiences back into their life story in a way that preserves coherence and agency.)

Now, let’s explore the three legitimizing skills (comparing favorably, acknowledging why, and assuming perspective).

Skill #3: Comparing Favorably

When you can easily relate to someone’s experience, legitimize it by comparing it favorably with what most people would do in a similar situation. By favorably, Fleck means that you should say they’re handling the situation just as well as or even better than anyone else would. This is especially powerful when they feel bad about how they’re navigating a uniquely stressful situation, like a personal trauma, or for failing to meet excessively high expectations. For example, imagine a friend who feels guilty for not hanging out with you when they’ve been juggling a demanding job and caring for a sick family member. You might say, “Given everything on your plate, anyone would feel overwhelmed. You’re doing an amazing job managing it all.”

(Shortform note: This skill puts social comparison theory into action. According to social comparison theory, we judge ourselves by comparing our abilities, behavior, and outcomes to those of others. When someone feels inadequate or guilty, it’s often because they’re comparing themselves to someone who has set an unrealistically high bar. By highlighting that their actions are on par with—or better than—what most people would do, you recalibrate their reference point. This reduces feelings of shame or failure and makes them feel more capable.)

Skill #4: Acknowledging Why

When you can’t easily relate to someone’s experience, Fleck recommends acknowledging why they feel, think, or act the way they do, given what you know about them. This shows them that you recognize at least some aspects of their experience as understandable and reasonable, even if you don’t agree with or condone the way they’re handling it. As a result, they’ll feel seen rather than shamed—which is important because shame makes it harder for them to learn from their mistakes or take constructive action.

To practice this skill, Fleck says to think about three main influences: their past experiences, gaps in their awareness, and any physical or mental factors that might affect their behavior. For example, say your partner tends to talk over you during arguments. This may be because they weren’t allowed to speak their mind in a past relationship, because they don’t know that it bothers you, or because they have untreated ADHD that causes compulsive interrupting. None of these reasons for their behavior make it OK for them to keep talking over you, but acknowledging them when you address the behavior can make your partner feel understood. In turn, this makes it more likely that they’ll respond positively to your feedback.

Accountability Without Shame

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can help explain the value of acknowledging the “why” behind thoughts and actions. IFS proposes that each person contains multiple “parts.” Some parts—called exiles—carry old wounds, while others act as protectors that try to prevent those wounds from being triggered again. Sometimes protector parts rely on shame as a defense mechanism. They assume that if you criticize yourself harshly enough, you’ll avoid repeating the behavior that led to pain in the past. For example, imagine you did something embarrassing at work. A protector part might flood you with shame, believing that if you feel bad enough about it, you’ll never make the same mistake again.

One goal of IFS therapy is to interrupt cycles like this, creating space for your wounded parts to feel, express, and unburden themselves from the pain they’re carrying. Acknowledging the “why” behind the pain helps this process along by shifting your response from automatic self-criticism to curiosity. Instead of immediately condemning yourself for what you did, you pause to ask what need, fear, or protective impulse might have driven the behavior. This curiosity can calm the protector parts that rely on shame and make it easier to approach the wounded parts beneath them with compassion. From there, you’re better able to understand the roots of your behavior and take responsibility for it.

You can apply the same logic when you acknowledge why other people feel, behave, or think the way they do. However, this becomes more difficult when you don’t know them or their situation well. Without that context, it’s hard to pin down specific, understandable reasons for their behavior. But you can validate even people you don’t know very well by assuming positive intent—that is, by assuming that everyone is doing their best, given their information, resources, and background. In The Positive Intent Mindset, Amer Kaissi says that approaching others with this assumption can let you address problematic behavior without reinforcing shame, much in the same way Fleck says acknowledging “why” does.

Fleck adds that acknowledging people’s reasons for doing things you wouldn’t humanizes them. For example, perhaps stealing conflicts with your moral code, but you can see why someone might turn to theft if they’re desperate to feed their family or survive a crisis. This would help you to not judge them so harshly.

(Shortform note: Along the same lines, activist and lawyer Bryan Stevenson suggests in Just Mercy that understanding the reasons behind people’s behavior is a necessary part of justice. In reviewing his clients’ cases, Stevenson shows how challenging circumstances like poverty, racism, and past trauma can push people to make choices that break the law and harm others. He says US courts often fail to acknowledge these pressures; instead, they dole out extreme, dehumanizing punishments that further the cycle of harm. He argues that solving this requires injecting the justice system with mercy—treating people like human beings who are capable of more than the wrong they’ve done.)

However, Fleck warns that you should never use this skill to try to change the behavior of someone who’s abusing or endangering you. In these situations, the power dynamic is tilted against you, so you won’t be able to convince them to stop. You can still recognize the reasons behind their actions, but prioritize removing yourself from danger or seeking help.

(Shortform note: In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft explains why acknowledging why someone abuses or endangers you won’t change their behavior: Abusers generally know that their actions are harmful yet still believe that they’re justified. In the abuser’s mind, the victim actually causes the abuse by stepping out of line or upsetting him. The victim’s empathy or understanding won’t challenge these beliefs, which is exactly what meaningful change requires from the abuser.)

Skill #5: Assuming Perspective

The final legitimizing skill is one you can use whether you can relate to the other person’s experience or not. In it, you assume the perspective of the person you’re trying to validate and make an educated guess about what they feel, think, or intend to do. Fleck explains that because you’re expressing something they haven’t explicitly told you, this makes them feel as if you’re truly attuned to their inner world—that you understand them on a deeper level than most.

When you make your educated guess, Fleck advises you to adjust your framing to suit both your confidence level and the power dynamic between the two of you. When you’re unsure of your guess or when you don’t want to unduly influence someone who’s impressionable, err on the side of caution: Frame your guess as a possibility rather than a certainty. For example, say you’re mentoring a new employee who tends to second-guess themselves. You might ask, “Are you planning to follow up with the client next?” instead of assuming that they know they should contact the client on their own. In contrast, when talking to a seasoned colleague, you might say, “I bet you’re on your way to follow up with that client!”

How to Assume Perspective With Accuracy

Fleck suggests that assuming perspective is a powerful skill that makes people feel as if you know them intimately—so long as your predictions are accurate. If they’re not, you risk coming across as presumptuous or inadvertently guiding the person in a direction that doesn’t reflect their own thinking. To make more accurate predictions about what others feel, think, and intend, try these strategies from Patrick King’s Read People Like a Book:

First, keep in mind that the better you know someone, the easier it is to read them because you can compare the signals they’re sending now to the way they usually come across. If you don’t know someone well, it may be harder to assume their perspective accurately. In those cases, you’ll want to frame your guess as a possibility rather than a certainty, as Fleck recommends.

Second, to understand someone’s mental state, you can’t focus on isolated data points like single sentences or gestures. Instead, you must look at the big picture their words and body language present. For example, if a colleague says “It’s fine” while briefly crossing their arms, that single gesture might not mean much. But if “It’s fine” is delivered with a tight jaw, clipped tone, reduced eye contact, and a sudden shift in posture—and this differs from their usual relaxed demeanor—the broader pattern may suggest frustration or resignation rather than genuine agreement.

Third, King says to be aware of how your presence might influence the way someone thinks, feels, or acts, especially if you’re in a position of power over them. People often adjust their behavior around authority figures, mentors, or evaluators, which can mask their true thoughts or amplify deference, anxiety, or agreeableness. If you don’t account for this dynamic, you may mistake compliance for confidence or silence for agreement.

Finally, be aware of any biases you might have that could lead you to misinterpret others’ cues. For example, say your young child tells you they found a spider. If you’re afraid of spiders, you might automatically think they must be scared, too. But we’re not born with a fear of spiders, and your child may not have developed such a fear. Your assumption that they’re scared could say more about your own anxiety than about their actual experience—they may feel curious about or excited by the spider they found.

How to Support Someone

Once you’ve mastered your legitimizing skills, you’re ready to start offering support—conveying care, concern, or solidarity (the sense that you’re “in it together”) in a way that makes the person you’re validating feel less alone. Fleck says support skills are the most powerful of all the validation skills—they communicate that you’re fully present, that you understand where the other person is coming from, and that you’re willing to connect with and help them. As such, you can use them to comfort anyone experiencing serious distress, but they’re also helpful in more mundane situations.

(Shortform note: Research suggests that the mere presence of a supportive person reduces perceived threat and cognitive load. In other words, solidarity literally makes problems feel lighter. This is because our brains are wired to function best when we’re in companionship with other people—therefore, support skills can be transformative even when it comes to everyday stressors.)

Now, let’s explore the three support skills—sharing feelings, relating to the other person’s experience, and assisting them directly.

Skill #6: Sharing Feelings

One way to offer support is by sharing how you feel about what the other person has shared with you—in other words, empathizing out loud. Fleck says this is especially effective when the other person is suppressing or trying to hide their emotions, as it helps them feel like their emotions are OK.

(Shortform note: Sharing feelings may be a particularly impactful validation skill for parents to use with their children. Since kids’ brains are still developing, strong emotions may feel overwhelming—and if they don’t learn that it’s OK to have and express big feelings, they may default to avoiding or suppressing them. In contrast, kids develop emotional literacy—the ability to recognize, name, and process emotions—when they see the adults around them model it in real time.)

Many people find it difficult to support others in this way because they’ve been taught not to express their emotions. If that applies to you, Fleck advises you to start by noticing what you feel as you imagine yourself in their situation; then, allow some of that feeling to come through naturally. If you’re worried about being too expressive, lean into subtlety (for example, by saying “That’s really rough” instead of “I’m devastated for you”).

(Shortform note: Fleck notes that many people struggle to validate others by sharing their own feelings because they’ve been taught not to express their emotions. But others may struggle with this skill because they’re not sure exactly what they feel in the first place. If this is something you struggle with, it may be best to start by learning to identify your emotions. Brené Brown describes 87 emotions in Atlas of the Heart—including the emotions that arise when relating to other people, which may come up when you’re trying to validate someone. If even identifying your emotions feels like a big ask, this might indicate that you struggle to acknowledge them. In this case, you may want to start by learning to welcome feelings as friendly teachers.)

Skill #7: Relating to Their Experience

You can also support someone by sharing an experience of your own that connects to what they’re going through. This helps people feel understood on a deeper level, reassures them that their reaction makes sense, and eases feelings of embarrassment or isolation. But Fleck recommends using this skill cautiously: If you dwell too long on your own story or present it as more significant, you risk eclipsing their experience. To keep that from happening, avoid sharing when your emotions are still raw, and emphasize the parts of your experience you think they can relate to; these steps prevent you from inadvertently making the conversation all about you. Then, redirect attention back to them by asking a question or using another validation skill.

(Shortform note: Activist Tarana Burke’s “me too” movement, and the broader MeToo movement that followed, both illustrate how powerful this validation skill can be. In her memoir Unbound, Burke explains how learning that people she admired, like the poet Maya Angelou, had suffered sexual violence helped her cope with her own experiences of childhood sexual abuse. Later, she used this insight to develop a program for helping other victims heal. By teaching girls that they weren’t alone in their experiences of abuse, and that many victims heal and find success, she validated both their pain and their promise. When the MeToo hashtag exploded on Twitter years later, a similar kind of validation unfolded for countless other victims.)

Skill #8: Helping Directly

The final way to offer support is by helping someone directly—doing something concrete to ease their burden rather than advising them on what they should do. This feels validating because it shows that you understand the gravity of the struggle they’re dealing with and care enough to do something about it. That said, Fleck stresses that using this skill requires judgment. Before intervening, pause to consider whether helping would benefit them, undermine their confidence, or deprive them of an opportunity to learn how to handle the situation themselves. Jumping in too quickly can unintentionally reinforce someone’s belief that they can’t cope—and it may make people mad if, in trying to help them, you overstep their boundaries.

(Shortform note: Helping someone when you shouldn’t not only hurts them but can also hurt you. In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie explains that some people, whom she calls codependents, are driven to intervene in others’ lives to feel needed or avoid discomfort. This backfires by fostering resentment, creating dependency, and draining their own resources. So, in addition to considering whether helping someone will actually benefit them, you should also ask whether it’s the best course of action for you. Beattie recommends only taking on responsibilities (like helping others) when you feel it’s truly your duty. To determine this, keep in mind whether your actions respect both your and the other person’s right to choose.)

Part 3: Validation in Everyday Life

In addition to the eight validation skills, Fleck offers tips for tailoring validation to fit different kinds of situations. Let’s explore her advice for self-validation, validation during conflict, and workplace validation.

Self-Validation

As we discussed in Part 1, many of us habitually invalidate ourselves, which needlessly amplifies our suffering and worsens mental health. But Fleck explains that you can start validating yourself by following a seven-step process:

1) Relax: When you feel overwhelmed, breathe slowly and try to relax your muscles. This calms your body, creating space for you to engage with your internal experience. (Shortform note: Asking a loved one for a hug may also help you relax. In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk argues that physical touch such as hugging has a soothing effect, helping even victims of trauma feel protected and calm. If there’s no one around to ask for a hug, you can achieve a similar effect by hugging and rocking yourself.)

2) Engage: Put aside your thoughts and judgments, and focus on finding your emotions. Once you’ve identified the emotions you’re feeling, Fleck recommends allowing yourself to experience them as bodily sensations. For example, if you’re angry, pay attention to how hot your face feels.

(Shortform note: The advice to identify emotions with bodily sensations has become so popular in therapy that it’s now a meme—but even if the practice feels kind of silly, it’s grounded in sound reasoning. Experts note that many people are prone to intellectualizing their emotions—that is, thinking through them logically instead of actually feeling them. This prevents you from fully processing your emotions; if you don’t feel your feelings, they stay bottled up and contribute to chronic stress and anxiety. Locating specific emotions in your body helps you get around this trap and engage with your emotions directly.)

3) Echo: Put your feelings into words, either by speaking them aloud or writing them down. Fleck explains that this lets you engage more fully with your emotions and strengthens your awareness by involving multiple parts of your brain. (Shortform note: Research suggests that putting words to your emotions can also decrease their intensity by dampening activity in the amygdala—a part of your brain that processes strong emotions (especially fear, anger, and aggression). In this way, talking or writing about overwhelming emotions can make them more bearable.)

4) Acknowledge why: Fleck recommends thinking about the circumstances that are causing you to feel the way you feel, including past experiences, gaps in awareness, and physical or mental factors. As you do, avoid blaming yourself or anyone else for how you feel.

(Shortform note: If you struggle to complete this step without blaming yourself or others, try to cultivate a more compassionate mindset. In Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff says you can do this by acknowledging your imperfections and realizing that these imperfections are one small part of who you are, as opposed to all-defining characteristics that make you bad or unworthy. Neff suggests your imperfections, innate goodness, and capacity for suffering are things you share with all humanity—so you can apply this thinking to others, too. For example, when you’re tempted to blame your parents for screwing you up, take a more compassionate view that recognizes they acted according to their own limitations and life circumstances, just as you do.)

5) Compare favorably: Fleck notes that we’re prone to judging ourselves harshly for negative feelings. Instead, you should consider how you’d treat someone you loved if they were in your position. You’ll likely conclude that they’d have the same reaction you’re having, and that you’d treat them with kindness and understanding. (Shortform note: By treating yourself with the care you’d offer a loved one, you foster a nurturing inner dialogue that supports resilience and emotional regulation. This can combat negative self-talk and let you start telling yourself stories about your experiences that help rather than harm you.)

6) Share feelings: Fleck clarifies that in this case, you’re reminding yourself that you love yourself. You can do this by giving yourself tender, soothing touch (for example, softly stroking your face) or by saying kind words to yourself. (Shortform note: Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life, recommends expressing self-love while making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. She reasons that this lets you connect with yourself on a deeper level, overcome barriers to giving and receiving self-love, and direct your subconscious to think more positively about yourself.)

7) Help directly: Fleck says that self-help comes in two forms. First, you can use your senses to comfort yourself—for example, by taking a hot shower to wind down at the end of a too-long day. Second, you can do something that makes your life feel meaningful, like working on a creative project or making dinner for your family.

(Shortform note: If you feel drained by the emotions and events you’ve experienced over the course of the day, choose comfort over something that makes your life feel meaningful. When your emotional resources are low, your nervous system is likely overwhelmed, so restorative, sensory-based activities—like resting, eating, or taking a shower—allow you to recover and return to baseline. Pushing yourself to do something meaningful in this state can feel depleting and contribute to burnout. In contrast, when you feel relatively stable or energized, choosing meaningful activities can boost motivation, reinforce a sense of purpose, and create positive momentum.)

Validation During Conflict

Fleck argues that one of the most important times to validate someone is when you’re in conflict. This applies especially to your relationships with your partner and your children. Validating them during conflict helps you stay connected, increases your chances of resolving the conflict in a healthy way, and promotes positive behavior change. Fleck attributes much of her success in her family relationships to validation skills—she feels that using them during tough parenting moments and conflicts with her spouse has helped her strengthen those relationships.

However, validating others during disagreements can be challenging because emotions often run high. Fleck recommends looking past the other person’s anger to discover and validate the emotions underneath it—which are usually hurt or fear. This can keep the conversation respectful and constructive. Another strategy Fleck offers is the postmortem—a conversation you have after the conflict about what happened and how both people experienced it. During the postmortem, both parties have a chance to express and validate each other’s perspective, apologize for things they did wrong if needed, and agree on a better path forward.

The Role of Validation in Nonviolent Communication

In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg offers a five-step process for resolving conflict without hurting anyone. Let’s explore that process and how validation can be part of it.

• Express your needs.

• Identify the other person’s needs. They might not express them perfectly, but focus on what their words and actions signal. You might need to assume their perspective to really understand what it is that they need.

• Verify that you both understand each other’s needs by repeating the other person’s needs back to them and asking them to do the same for you. (This closely resembles echoing, which Fleck identifies as important for validation during conflict.)

• Provide empathy by focusing on the other person’s unmet needs. (For example, this might take the form of engaging if their need is to be heard or acknowledging why if their need is to be understood.)

• Propose strategies that meet everyone’s needs. (At this stage, you’d be proposing strategies that help both of you directly.)

Rosenberg also explains how to get past anger during a conflict. Just as Fleck argues that anger is a secondary emotion that arises from hurt or fear, Rosenberg says anger results from unmet needs. When you encounter anger—whether it’s yours or the other person’s—think about what unmet needs it stems from; this shifts your focus from blame and punishment to empathy, which makes for smoother conflict resolution. For example, if your partner is angry at you for forgetting your anniversary, this might signal an unmet need for loving attention. Recognizing that can help you respond with validation skills like echoing or sharing feelings rather than with anger of your own, which would only escalate the situation.

Finally, Rosenberg offers some communication tips you can use if you and your partner or child choose to have a postmortem conversation about your conflict. First, he says to avoid life-alienating communication—any form of communication that blocks your ability to connect as humans. Life-alienating communication includes moralistic judgments (“You’re a bad partner/parent”), comparisons (“You communicate worse than I do”), denial of responsibility (“You make me feel so mad when you do that”), and demands (“If you don’t improve, I’ll break up with you/ground you”). Second, Rosenberg recommends making specific requests—for example, “Next time you’re upset, please tell me why instead of pretending you’re fine.”

Workplace Validation

Fleck explains that validation is integral at work because it helps create psychological safety—the sense that you can ask questions, share concerns, and risk failure without judgment or reprisal. She says that according to researchers like Amy C. Edmondson, psychologically safe workplaces are more likely to perform smoothly and succeed financially. (Shortform note: Edmonson would likely agree with Fleck that validation promotes psychological safety. In The Fearless Organization, she argues that leaders should encourage employees to speak up by engaging with them when they offer ideas, information, or feedback, even if they’re not on the same page. This promotes a level of candor that supports progress and innovation.)

To create psychological safety, Fleck advises leaders to pair praise for good work with personal validation. For example, suppose your startup has been undergoing a lot of changes lately. You might say to an employee, “I know it’s been challenging, but I really appreciate how you’ve adapted to all the new processes and still delivered such high-quality work. I’m impressed.” Because you’re not just acknowledging their output but also the human behind it, this would motivate the employee to keep investing energy and care into their work.

(Shortform note: Just as you can offer validation even when you disagree with someone, you can validate your employees—and promote psychological safety—even when they’ve failed. Edmondson recommends celebrating failure as a natural, valuable part of improvement. This perspective lets you validate employees whose innovations don’t work out; for example, you might relate to their experience by talking about a time when one of your experiments failed and how you learned from it. Edmondson also suggests that you can use validation skills when employees make preventable mistakes—for example, by acknowledging why they approached a task in the way they did and then offering direct help in the form of additional training.)