PDF Summary:Unfu*k Yourself, by Gary John Bishop

In his self-help book Unfu*k Yourself, Gary John Bishop aims to increase your understanding of how your mind works so you can use its power to your advantage. Bishop argues that the way you think dictates your reality. He offers seven specific phrases that you can use to reshape your thoughts and improve your life.

Bishop distilled years of research and experience as a life coach and personal development consultant into this book. He sets out to make happiness accessible to you, whatever your circumstances, by showing you how to relate to your experience in a healthy way.

In this guide, we’ll examine the principles and techniques Bishop offers in the book. We’ll also consider recent neuroscience research that backs up Bishop’s assertions, as well as similarities to other popular self-help techniques.

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It can be hard to admit that part of what’s been holding you back is that you haven’t been willing to make changes. In some sense, Bishop says, you’ve chosen to end up here, and you have tolerated the status quo—otherwise, you would have already made changes. Ask yourself if you’re willing to do what it takes to get unstuck and go after your goals, and answer honestly. If you’re ready now, you can embrace the idea that you are responsible for your own life, and let that sense of agency motivate you to get going.

As an alternative, Bishop suggests that if it’s hard for you to feel enthusiasm for pursuing your goals, you can achieve the same results by focusing on your unwillingness to accept the status quo any longer. In this case, your drive and determination come when you decide you will not tolerate the way things are. Either way, the hope is you’ll be eager to take action.

Responsibility Isn’t Blame

Taking responsibility for your own life is a topic which, if not handled delicately, can cause feelings of anger, guilt, or self-hatred, as you realize that there’s no one but yourself to blame for where you’ve ended up.

In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson handles this in part by elaborating on the difference between blame and responsibility and how you can take responsibility for your actions without blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. One of the ways he draws this distinction is by asserting that blame exists in the past (how did this happen?) while responsibility exists in the present (it’s up to you what to do now). This echoes Bishop’s insistence on taking action in the present moment, and his reasoning for framing his power statements in the present tense.

On the other hand, if after careful reflection you discover that you’re not willing to do what it would take to change your life in a certain area, Bishop says that’s okay. In fact, consciously recognizing this can still help you feel better. Once you’ve acknowledged that the work to improve your situation is more than you’re prepared to do, you can stop wanting your life to be different and make peace with where you are. According to Bishop, this is particularly helpful if you struggle with jealousy or comparing yourself to others. What someone else has might be nice, but if you already know you’re not willing to do what it would take to get that for yourself, it can’t torture you anymore, and there’s no mystery of “why not me?”

The Power of Self-Awareness

“I am willing” is the first power statement Bishop introduces in the book, and while we’ve tweaked the order of the others for the purposes of this guide, we start with this one because Bishop’s discussion of it implies that confirming you’re willing to change in at least one particular area of your life is a necessary prerequisite before you can begin the work of self-improvement.

Paradoxically, while Bishop frames this assertion as, “I am willing,” in his explication he treats it as a question you need to ask yourself, to discover whether you’re willing or not. Examining your own level of willingness requires self-awareness. In contrast to Bishop’s assertion that this self-awareness can help you make peace with your unwillingness to change, others say that self-awareness tends to increase your willingness: When you’re clear-eyed about what’s holding you back, you’ll likely be more motivated to change.

Your Brain Wants to Be Right

Power statement: “I am wired to win.”

Best used: To motivate you to change your beliefs

According to Bishop, this power statement serves to remind you that what you believe internally will determine the life you build externally. By “wired to win,” Bishop means that our brains are set up to prove themselves right, subtly directing you to create a reality that confirms your unconscious beliefs. Therefore, in order to achieve the life you want, you’ll need to make sure you have the beliefs to match, even at the unconscious level.

(Shortform note: Although Bishop’s word choice—”I am wired to win”—sounds affirming and positive, it’s more nuanced. Bishop uses the word “win” to make the point that your mind ensures you bring all your beliefs to fruition, regardless of what those beliefs are. If you unconsciously believe you’re a loser, your life will reflect that—and in proving you right, technically you’ll be winning at being a loser. So rather than an affirmation, “I am wired to win” is more of a warning, as in, “Remember that your deepest beliefs will come true, so you better get to work on shifting them to align with your goals.”)

To bring your beliefs into alignment with your goals, ask yourself what you want your life to look like, then consider what beliefs would be confirmed by that life. Specifically, Bishop says to consider an area of your life where you’re struggling or feeling stuck, and ask yourself what belief is proven right by your current situation. For example, if you always seem to be broke, ask yourself what opinion that confirms. You may discover a belief that you need someone else to take care of you, or that financial success would alienate you from the people you love, or that stability would be boring.

Once you can spot the beliefs that don’t serve you, Bishop says, you can replace those old beliefs with new ones by focusing on your goals, imagining the steps and actions that will be required along the way, and considering what mindset you will need to successfully perform those actions at each stage.

How to Break Your Unconscious Thought Patterns

In Awaken the Giant Within, Tony Robbins also advises you how to identify and transform your unconscious beliefs. Robbins goes into detail about how these beliefs form and promotes a process he calls Neuro-Associative Conditioning (NAC) to reshape these beliefs using the following six steps:

• Determine what you want to change, and identify any pain or fear you associate with making the change.

• Create a sense of urgency by focusing on what the negative consequences will be if you don’t change and the benefits you’ll gain if you do.

• Any time you notice yourself falling into old patterns, disrupt them by doing something completely different. For example, if you realize that your thoughts are focused on self-doubt, stop and give yourself a big hug.

• Create a new positive pattern that brings you as much satisfaction as the old one.

• Reinforce your new pattern by visualizing and rehearsing that behavior in your mind.

• Test the strength of your new habit by challenging it to see how you react: Put yourself in a situation that used to trigger your old pattern, and notice if you have the urge to act according to the old pattern or the new one.

It Is What It Is (Not What It Should Be)

Power statement: “I expect nothing and accept everything.”

Best used: To challenge your expectations

Another aspect of our unconscious mind that plays a big role in how we relate to our lives is our expectations. Without being aware of it, we hold expectations about what should happen or how we thought things would go, and we’re constantly comparing reality to that ideal. Again, Bishop instructs, consider an area of your life that isn’t going well, and you may discover that your dissatisfaction is a result of expectations you’re unaware you were holding. He recommends writing down what you thought this part of your life would look like, and then writing down a description of how it actually is. The gap between the two is most likely what’s making you unhappy.

(Shortform note: Bishop’s power statements, as well as the thinkers he chooses to quote throughout the book, suggest he draws inspiration from stoic philosophy as found in books such as Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman’s The Daily Stoic.. In particular, the concept of “expect nothing and accept everything” closely mirrors the stoics’ view that you should closely observe and examine your assumptions, and that the best approach is to receive life as it is, without wanting it to be different.)

Maybe you expected that by your age you would have achieved certain career milestones, but they’re still far off, or you ended up in a different career entirely. Maybe your vision of what it would be like to have a baby isn’t matching up with your reality now that you have one. Bishop says if you could let go of the expectations, you wouldn’t be struggling. You could just respond to what’s really happening in your life. He clarifies that accepting everything doesn’t mean that you don’t have goals or make plans to achieve them—but instead that you leave room for flexibility so that you can respond to your experience on its own terms, rather than comparing it to an ideal that doesn’t exist.

In encouraging you to revisit your expectations, Bishop employs a similar logic as he does when discussing unwillingness. Though Bishop doesn’t explicitly connect the two ideas, they both assume you can improve your well-being by setting aside what you feel you should do in favor of a more accurate assessment of what you truly intend to do.

How to Let Go of Your Expectations

In Solve For Happy, Mo Gawdat elaborates on the idea that your perceptions and expectations determine your happiness. Over the course of the book, Gawdat offers strategies for aligning your perceptions and expectations, and he lays out a multi-step process for replacing common misconceptions that prevent you from being happy with a more supportive framework. This involves:

• Realizing your inner voice is not your self, so you can choose how to respond to it

• Being less attached to your physical body, which is also not your self

• Admitting your knowledge is limited, so being wrong doesn’t have to upset you

• Letting go of ideas of the past and future in order to be present now

• Putting in effort while accepting that the results may be beyond your control

• Challenging your fears instead of believing they keep you safe

Step 2: Ensure Your Success

So far, we’ve examined three power statements Bishop offers for identifying and changing unconscious thought patterns that might be holding you back. Next, we’ll look at the remaining four statements, which describe the attitudes the author urges you to cultivate in yourself in order to achieve happiness and success. Each statement addresses a type of resistance you will encounter as you go after your goals. Basically, the solution is the same in each situation: do it anyway, and don’t give up.

(Shortform note: Many self-help approaches agree with Bishop’s suggestion that you must take active steps to cultivate a new mindset. Some go as far as detailing specific instructions on how to integrate retraining your brain into your daily routine. In The Happiness Advantage, for instance, Shawn Achor suggests writing about a positive experience for 20 minutes, three times a week. Alternatively, Hal Elrond’s The Miracle Morning instructs you to incorporate positive affirmations into a daily morning routine that also includes visualization, writing, and other elements.)

You Can Handle This

Power statement: “I got this.”

Best used: When things don’t go your way

This affirmation is all about putting challenges into perspective, not letting them loom larger than they really are. You’ve dealt with setbacks and found solutions before, Bishop counsels, and you can do it again. The key is taking each problem on its own terms, not allowing feelings of overwhelm or failure to spread and affect your overall outlook.

Bishop explains how to use actual evidence from your past to give weight to the statement, “I got this.” Imagine your whole life stretched along a timeline from past to future, and visualize yourself walking along, reviewing all the times in the past that you had problems and overcame them. Along with the disappointments, this helps you review your greatest successes. The point is that life is full of ups and downs, and eventually the current incident you’re dealing with will take its place in the gallery with all the rest. Use this statement when unexpected challenges pop up, and don’t let yourself get derailed.

(Shortform note: This tendency your mind has to leap to a false conclusion when something goes wrong—”It’s all ruined! I can’t get anything right!”—is an example of what cognitive therapy calls globalizing or overgeneralizing. In Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond, Judith S. Beck explains that you can counter a globalizing thought by replacing it with a more realistic one like, “This setback is disappointing, but the project can still succeed.” The idea is to shrink the problem back down to its proper size, which is the same work that Bishop’s phrase is performing, as the wording “I got this” implies the challenge in question is manageable.)

Just Keep Going

Power statement: “I am relentless.”

Best used: When you feel like giving up

If you cultivate the ability to keep going, regardless of the odds or the obstacles you face, you can achieve great things. Bishop says that progress is not always obvious while it’s happening, but if you refuse to give up, you’ll reach the finish line eventually. Bishop offers this statement as a tool to keep you moving forward even when you lose motivation, or when other people doubt or discourage you. Every time a problem gets in your way, he advises, direct all your energy to solving it, and don’t stop until you do.

Can You Become Relentless?

The capacity to keep going no matter what, which Bishop calls relentlessness, is widely recognized as an important component of success. For instance, in Grit, Angela Duckworth defines grit as the intersection of persistence and passion; in other words, having a goal you care deeply about and pursuing it consistently over time.

Just as Bishop argues that you can train yourself to become relentless, Duckworth maintains that grit isn’t something you’re born with, but a quality you develop through experience. That claim is debated, and studies show conflicting results. The answer matters because this quality is so crucial to achievement—if you can build it in yourself or instill it in your children, it would mean anyone could develop this key skill for success

You Don’t Need to Be Sure

Power statement: “I embrace the uncertainty.”

Best used: When you’re tempted to stick with what you know

Bishop maintains that any growth or achievement requires you to go beyond your comfort zone and accept some amount of risk. In order to pursue your dreams, you need to be able to push on despite uncertainty. Doing so is uncomfortable, because your natural tendency is to stay where you’re safe, but Bishop advises working against this tendency. He says the ability to tolerate uncertainty is a quality many highly successful people have in common.

Build up your threshold for uncertainty by starting with small, low-stakes risks that take you out of your daily routines. From there, you can slowly ramp up to making bigger moves that go against your habits or even your sense of who you are, if those behaviors or attitudes conflict with your goals. Keep in mind, however, this power statement calls for you to embrace uncertainty, not just grudgingly tolerate it—that implies he wants you to embark on these experiments in unpredictability with an attitude of celebration for the surprises to come rather than dread.

(Shortform note: One scientifically proven way to increase your tolerance for uncertainty is mindfulness meditation. One possible reason, which Dan Harris describes in 10% Happier, is that meditation requires you to focus on the present moment, presumably pulling your attention away from worrying about some uncertain future. As you sit in meditation, you naturally feel urges to talk, move around, check your messages, adjust the temperature, and so on. You notice them and let them go. Thoughts and feelings come up, but you don’t let them take over. By learning to observe these impulses but not focus on them or act on them, you are training yourself to keep pursuing your purpose despite feeling uncomfortable.)

You Are Stronger Than Your Negative Thoughts

Power statement: “I am not my thoughts; I am what I do.”

Best used: When motivation runs out and negative thoughts take over

Bishop insists that your actions don’t have to match your thoughts and feelings—so you can still act in your best interest, even when you’re feeling low. In fact, he says, by taking productive action, you actually build confidence and self-trust that reinforce the positive beliefs you’re working to instill.

It’s not that you ignore what you’re thinking and feeling, but rather that you understand them as one minor part of the whole picture, which doesn’t have to dictate what you do. Bishop acknowledges that the work of changing your unconscious mind through self-exploration and assertive self-talk takes time. As you’re on the journey, there will be times when the old beliefs and unproductive self-talk resurface. The key, according to Bishop, is not to let that stop you from taking the steps you know will get you closer to your goals. If you wait for the right mood or state of mind to come along before moving forward, he says, you’ll never get started.

Though Bishop doesn’t say so explicitly, you can understand this power statement as an aspect of another power statement, “I am relentless,” which we discussed above. If being relentless is the general attitude that lets you confront adversity, “I am not my thoughts” addresses a specific category of obstacle: the one presented by your own state of mind.

Which Comes First: Thoughts or Actions?

In line with some readers’ criticism that Bishop contradicts himself at times, this advice to take action despite your thoughts seems to counter the premise that thoughts determine what you do and how you experience reality. Either might be true: Scientific studies continue to explore how your thoughts, feelings, and actions can all influence each other—the relationship is complex. So it makes sense that in order to maximize progress you might want to come at it from more than one angle.

James Clear acknowledges this paradox in Atomic Habits. He emphasizes that in order to successfully establish a new habit, it has to align with your sense of who you are—but the way to shift your sense of identity is by doing things that someone with that identity would do. That’s why Clear says you should start by performing the tiniest possible component of each new habit, until your mind builds up enough evidence of success that your self-concept starts to shift. It’s a similar conundrum to the one that confronts Bishop’s method, perhaps because any behavior change has to happen from the inside out and the outside in simultaneously.