PDF Summary:Unbound, by Kasia Urbaniak

Many women struggle to ask for what they want, express their authority, and influence others effectively. In Unbound, Kasia Urbaniak argues that this stems from social conditioning that teaches women to suppress their desires, avoid conflict, and focus inward rather than outward. She explains that true power comes from influence rather than control, and that influence requires understanding how attention and energy work in interactions.

Urbaniak explores how to direct attention, work with resistance, and achieve internal alignment between your desires, words, and body language. She discusses the states of dominance and submission as different ways of focusing attention, and explains how women can break free from "Good Girl" conditioning that keeps them from expressing their authentic desires. This guide offers techniques for making requests, calibrating communication, and building the kind of influence that creates collaboration rather than conflict.

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We'll then explore how suppressing energy can lead to incongruent communication. Then, we’ll discuss how societal conditioning for "good girls" inhibits women from expressing their desires.

Effects of Suppressed Energetics

Urbaniak believes suppressed energetics can lead to incongruent communication, which occurs when your words and body language are not aligned. This makes it difficult to speak in a manner that feels comfortable to both you and your conversational partner. If you make a request from a suppressed state, the other person’s body will recoil, and you won’t be able to influence them.

The Effects of Expressive Suppression

Urbaniak’s claim that suppressed energetics cause misaligned signals that make other people’s bodies recoil from your requests is supported by psychologists who have studied the effects of “expressive suppression.” This is when you deliberately inhibit your emotional expressions, such as by hiding your anger or sadness. In a research article, some researchers found that when one person suppresses their emotions, their interaction partner’s physiology changes in ways that suggest they feel less connected and more stressed, even if they can’t pinpoint what feels off. This supports Urbaniak’s idea that our bodies send signals that push others away when our inner state and outward behavior don’t match.

Origins of Compressed and Inhibited Energy

Urbaniak explains that "Good Girl" socialization inhibits women from expressing their desires. They learn selflessness, moderation, and accommodation. They avoid conflict, prioritize others, adapt to situations, and push down their fear, shame, and rage. This causes them to become more tense and increasingly fragile as they navigate life. Women under this conditioning can't tap into the energy stored in their emotions, so they can't hear the profound internal wisdom their emotions hold. They can't express their desires because they’ve spent their lives denying they have any at all.

(Shortform note: In her 1991 book Silencing the Self, psychologist Dana Crowley Jack describes a pattern of behavior similar to Urbaniak’s “Good Girl” socialization. Jack’s research shows that women who engage in this pattern are more likely to experience depression. Jack’s work was groundbreaking in that it was one of the first to explore the link between women’s socialization and their mental health.)

They're worried they'll seem selfish or greedy, so they're uncomfortable receiving. They shrink themselves and receive the questionable moral benefit of viewing themselves as small. These women can’t happily, wholeheartedly affirm their authority when they need to take charge. They fear appearing like they’re taking over, and they’ve learned to hold back their natural authority. When they're compelled to ask for something, they usually revert to risky leveling behaviors. They use gestures and speech to ensure the other person believes they're on equal footing. They apologize, equivocate, and make themselves small. They camouflage their legitimate frustration with false grins. They use passive speech to conduct surprise attacks. They employ "I" statements to disagree, but they’re scared to shift into the leading role in the interaction.

The Risks of Leveling Behaviors

Leveling behaviors are ways of speaking that intentionally downplay a woman’s power so she doesn’t seem above others. This can be risky because it makes it easier for people to underrate her and misread what she really wants. For example, a woman might say, “I’m sorry, but I think we should try a different approach,” instead of directly stating her opinion. This makes her seem less confident and more apologetic, which can lead others to underestimate her abilities. Additionally, when she uses passive speech or false grins to hide her true feelings, it becomes harder for others to understand what she really wants. This can result in misunderstandings and missed opportunities, as people may not take her seriously or recognize her true intentions.

The Mechanics of Influence: Communication & Calibration

Urbaniak explains that calibration is about adjusting your communication to fit the context and achieve the desired outcome. It’s about finding the right balance between being too forceful or passive. Applying the proper level of pressure will make the other person more open to receiving your message. To calibrate, focus on the other party. Invite them to elaborate, relying on your instincts and observations to gather more details.

(Shortform note: In Difficult Conversations, the authors suggest that you can determine the “proper level of pressure” by asking the other person how direct they want you to be. For example, you might ask them to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how direct they want you to be, and then match that number. This approach can help you avoid being too forceful or too passive, ensuring that your message is received in the way you intend.)

Afterward, we’ll explore techniques for directing attention. Then, we’ll discuss how internal alignment affects your capacity to impact others.

Techniques for Directing Attention

Attention Reversal

Urbaniak suggests that women are often conditioned to maintain an inward focus, which can affect their ability to maintain power dynamics. This starts in childhood, when people reward girls for their existence, not their actions. It continues into adulthood, with females frequently judged for who they are instead of their actions. This inward focus can make women more prone to freezing up when put on the spot, making it harder to break out of speechlessness.

Women frequently face criticism for the effects of directing their focus outward. However, dominance requires focusing externally and maintaining that focus. This typical internal focus can create challenges for women trying to effectively impact others.

Objectification Theory and Inward Focus

Research supports Urbaniak’s claim that girls are conditioned to focus inward and that this can make them more likely to freeze up and struggle with dominance. In a 1997 paper, Barbara L. Fredrickson and Tomi-Ann Roberts introduced objectification theory, which suggests that women are socialized to view themselves as objects to be evaluated by others. This constant self-monitoring can lead to increased anxiety and reduced ability to focus outwardly. When girls are consistently judged for who they are rather than what they do, they learn to monitor themselves constantly, making them more likely to freeze up when put on the spot. This inward focus can make it difficult to maintain the outward focus that Urbaniak describes as dominance.

Attention Polarity

Urbaniak explains that attention can be directed outward or inward, and each state has its own power. When you focus externally, you can dominate others. When you direct your focus inward, you can submit to others. Both attentional states have power, and you can use them to your advantage.

(Shortform note: In Focus, Daniel Goleman reviews research showing that the ability to shift between inner and outer attention is a key skill for leaders. He explains that focusing inward helps you regulate your own emotions and impulses, while focusing outward helps you tune in to others’ feelings and needs.)

Navigating Resistance & Desire

Urbaniak argues that resistance can lead to transformation and closeness. People resist when they’re defending something significant. When you engage with their resistance, you can learn about what they’re afraid of, worried about, and want. This can lead to innovative cooperation and stronger bonds.

(Shortform note: While resistance can lead to transformation and closeness, it can also be dangerous. In abusive relationships, for example, one partner may use resistance to control the other. In these situations, engaging with resistance instead of setting boundaries can increase your risk of psychological or physical harm.)

She also believes that understanding your authentic desires is crucial to personal power. These desires are the things that give you a sense of vitality. They’re not goals or cravings, but what feeds your soul and brings joy. Understanding what you desire is necessary for navigating life with power. If you lack a close and connected relationship with your desires, no amount of money and resources will take you where you want to go. That's why countless wealthy and "powerful" individuals feel dissatisfied, despite appearing to have it all—they haven't reflected on what they genuinely desire.

The Relationship Between Vitality and Fulfillment

In their 2017 book, Self-Determination Theory, psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci present a theory that explores the relationship between vitality and fulfillment. They argue that subjective vitality, or the feeling of being alive and energized, is closely linked to the satisfaction of basic psychological needs. They suggest that true vitality comes from within and is fueled by the fulfillment of three innate psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. This theory challenges the notion that external achievements or material possessions alone can bring lasting satisfaction.

We'll next explore how resistance provides valuable information. Then, we'll discuss how making your desires known can transform your relationships and way of living.

Opposition as Information

Urbaniak believes resistance provides valuable insights. It indicates that someone is protecting something important to them. When you address opposition as a team, you can develop an outcome beyond either of your expectations. This strengthens your relationship and helps you connect.

To overcome resistance, develop curiosity about it. Ask questions to discover what the other individual is protecting. Then, leverage these insights to motivate them to work with you.

When to Avoid Addressing Resistance

While Urbaniak’s approach to resistance can be helpful in many situations, it may not be appropriate in relationships where the other person has a pattern of controlling or abusive behavior. In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft explains that abusive men often use resistance as a way to maintain power and control over their partners. In these cases, trying to “develop curiosity” about their resistance and “address opposition as a team” can actually make you more vulnerable by encouraging you to prioritize the relationship over your own safety.

The Skill of Asking

Urbaniak says that making requests for your desires can transform your life and relationships. It can free you from the belief that you have to do everything yourself and help you discover your deepest desires. Additionally, it can improve your relationships by inviting others to collaborate with you in new ways, and help you meet new people who can assist in meeting your needs.

Expressing your desires can assist you in becoming unstuck in relationships that have become stale. You can request that someone assume a new position that benefits you both. When you express your desires, you give others the opportunity to express how much they love, admire, and respect you in a manner that makes you happy. This brings them happiness, too.

When Making Requests for Your Desires May Not Be Safe

While making requests for your desires can be life- and relationship-transforming, it’s important to note that this may not be the case in all relationships. In relationships where one person is controlling or abusive, making requests for your desires can be dangerous. In these situations, honesty is often punished rather than respected. If you’re in a relationship where you feel unsafe or fear retaliation for expressing your needs, it may be best to seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals before attempting to make requests for your desires.

However, Urbaniak points out that females frequently struggle with asking due to societal conditioning. They’re taught that requesting something signals weakness or desperation. They fear that requesting something will lead to an unspoken obligation, often involving sexual favors. They also fear being told "no" and being rejected. As a result, women tend to make requests that fall short of their true desires, requesting less than what would truly satisfy them. This causes frustration and resentment. Rather than making direct requests, women have developed indirect approaches to making requests, such as complaining, hinting, or giving what they wish to receive.

(Shortform note: Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, in her book Talking from 9 to 5, argues that women’s indirect ways of asking can be an effective communication style. She explains that indirectness allows speakers to express needs, make requests, and negotiate power while simultaneously showing regard for the other person, preserving harmony, and giving both parties room to save face. What may look like evasiveness or lack of confidence from one cultural or gendered standpoint can actually be an effective and nuanced way of getting things done.)

Internal Alignment for Influence

Expressing Aligned Power

Urbaniak argues that to express power effectively, align your attention, aims, and speech. This congruence allows you to convey power effectively. Conversely, incongruence occurs when these elements are not aligned, making it difficult to express power. This can occur when you attempt to take control or relinquish control.

(Shortform note: Aligning your attention, aims, and speech makes your power easier to express and receive because it gives other people one clear stream of cues to interpret. Research on charisma shows that people unconsciously interpret coherence as confidence and authority, making them more likely to follow your lead. In contrast, when your attention, aims, and speech are misaligned, people receive mixed signals, which can make you seem uncertain or untrustworthy.)

Releasing Inhibiting Conditioning

Urbaniak believes Good Girl programming results in self-critique and diminishment. Women learn to be polite and generous to others but harsh with themselves. They downplay their achievements and argue with compliments. They feel off-kilter when their desires conflict with what they're expected to want. They wonder what’s wrong with them. They were conditioned to believe that way, to keep themselves in check. This was a survival skill for our female predecessors, who aimed to protect us. However, these abilities are not beneficial anymore. They affect our confidence, communication, and ability to gain influence and authority.

(Shortform note: Good Girl programming may have been a survival skill for women in the past because it was a way to secure protection and resources. For example, in the nineteenth century, Anglo-American women were subject to coverture, a legal doctrine that meant a married woman’s legal identity was subsumed by her husband’s. Women couldn’t own property, sign contracts, or earn wages in their own right. Their economic security depended on their husbands. In this context, conforming to the ideal of the “good woman” was a pragmatic strategy. By embodying the virtues of piety, purity, submissiveness, and domesticity, women could secure the protection and support of men.)

This training stops women from fully inhabiting either focus state. They can't fully enter the submissive state because they're too concerned with appearing inept, needy, or trivial. They specialize in not needing and are uncomfortable receiving, so they never reap the rewards of being cared for. They minimize themselves and see themselves as small. They're unable to request what they desire because they’ve spent a lifetime denying they have any desires.

(Shortform note: In Down Girl, feminist philosopher Kate Manne argues that the problem isn’t that women have trained themselves to erase their own wants and needs. Rather, the problem is that women are expected to be “human givers” who provide care, attention, and support to others, while refraining from seeking power, status, or recognition for themselves. When women fail to provide these “feminine” goods, or instead seek “masculine” goods, they’re seen as morally wrong and are punished.)

They can't assert themselves in a dominant way because they don't want to appear as though they're taking over. They've learned to hold back their natural authority. When they need to ask for something, they use verbal and physical cues to affirm that they aren't superior to the other person. They apologize, equivocate, and make themselves small. When they must provide criticism, they conceal their annoyance behind insincere smiles. They employ subservient speech to carry out a sneak attack. This is known as passive aggression. The focus is misaligned with the goal. To dismantle the constraints of "Good Girl" training, focus on what has been effective and celebrate it. Doing so will help you learn to trust yourself again.

Passive Aggression

In clinical psychology, passive aggression is a personality trait characterized by a consistent pattern of indirect resistance to the demands or expectations of others. This resistance often manifests as covert obstruction, procrastination, stubbornness, or deliberate inefficiency. Unlike the everyday use of the term, which often refers to isolated incidents of indirect hostility, the clinical definition emphasizes a stable and pervasive pattern of behavior. Passive-aggressive individuals may express their negative feelings through subtle actions rather than direct communication, making their opposition difficult to address. This behavior can stem from an inability to express anger openly, fear of confrontation, or a desire to avoid direct conflict while still exerting control or expressing resentment.

Urbaniak also suggests that celebrating yourself can help break free from self-monitoring habits. Women learn to direct their focus inward to criticize themselves. Rather, they should employ that same instinct to praise themselves. This is especially crucial following trauma, letdowns, or heartbreak. It's liberating to learn that when you give up criticizing and attacking yourself, you aren't any less secure.

For this practice, spend five minutes each evening writing down all your victories—any that warrant celebration, large or minor. Say, "I’m celebrating." Continue until you've filled the page. Provide details. Let yourself physically experience the triumph. Which emotions does this success elicit for you? What possibilities does it open up? What physical sensations are you experiencing? Relax and allow the happiness and contentment to flow throughout your entire self. This will make repeating it easier.

Writing About Positive Events Improves Memory

In one experiment, participants were asked to write about positive events for 20 minutes each day. After three days, they were able to recall positive memories more easily. This suggests that writing about positive experiences can train the mind to retrieve encouraging memories more easily. The act of writing about positive events may help to solidify them in memory, making them more accessible in the future. This could be because writing requires a deeper level of processing than simply thinking about an event, which may help to encode the memory more strongly. Additionally, the act of writing may help to organize and structure the memory, making it easier to retrieve later.