PDF Summary:There's No Such Thing as 'Naughty', by Kate Silverton

When your child throws a tantrum or acts out, it's easy to label the behavior as "naughty" and respond with frustration. But in There's No Such Thing as 'Naughty', Kate Silverton explains that children's challenging behaviors stem from their still-developing brains and their inability to regulate overwhelming emotions. She argues that understanding brain development and attachment is key to helping children navigate their feelings and build emotional resilience.

Silverton offers practical strategies for responding to your child's distress with empathy rather than punishment. You'll learn how to use the SAS Parenting method to help your child calm down during emotional overwhelm, why quality time strengthens your parent-child bond, and how your calm responses teach your child to manage their own emotions as they grow.

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The Society notes that autistic children may have meltdowns even if they have a large vocabulary and can speak fluently.

Stress, Attachment & Emotional Development

Silverton highlights that attachment and emotional development in young children are crucial for handling stress and forming connections in the future. Attachment is the bond that children form with their caregivers, while emotional development involves understanding and managing emotions.

The initial five years are key for forming attachment. If a youngster fails to form any attachment during this time, they're at risk of experiencing problems with education, wellness, or social interactions. Children with secure attachments to their parents will naturally seek more independence as they mature. They’ll develop curiosity, form friendships, and explore. This is included in how they develop emotionally and physically.

The Impact of Early Attachment

Robert Karen’s book Becoming Attached synthesizes decades of research on children raised in orphanages and those who were adopted into nurturing families. The studies show that children who lacked a stable caregiver in their early years often struggled with brain development, learning, and forming close relationships later in life. However, children who were adopted into loving homes at a younger age showed brain activity and learning patterns similar to those of children who had secure attachments from the start. This research underscores the importance of early attachment in shaping a child’s future well-being.

In this section, we'll explore how stress and attachment are connected. We’ll also look at the important role of caregivers in helping children manage their feelings.

Stress & Attachment Foundations

Silverton explains that stress can have long-term effects on children’s development. Stress affects the entire body and is beneficial when experienced briefly. However, it may be damaging if it persists for extended periods. Stress is particularly harmful to children, as stress hormones can become long-term or poisonous, altering development. Childhood stress can affect your health in adulthood.

(Shortform note: Silverton’s argument that childhood stress can have long-term effects on development builds on the work of Jack Shonkoff and Andrew Garner, who coined the term “toxic stress” to describe the impact of chronic stress on children’s development. Their research has led to changes in pediatric care, with doctors now screening for family adversity and advocating for policies that reduce stressors in children’s lives.)

Silverton also notes that a secure bond helps children manage stress. A secure bond is a lasting psychological connection between two people. When children form secure attachments with their parents, they're aware that they can rely on them for help in managing their emotions. This supports their psychological and emotional health.

(Shortform note: The idea that a secure bond helps children manage stress and emotions comes from attachment theory, which was developed in the mid-20th century by British psychologist John Bowlby and American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby and Ainsworth studied children who were separated from their caregivers during World War II and found that the consistency of early caregiver relationships biologically calibrates a child’s stress-response systems.)

The Caregiver's Role in Regulation

Silverton argues that caregivers play a crucial role in helping children manage their feelings. Kids experience emotions in a very intense way, and without emotional regulation, they can quickly become overwhelmed. Babies aren't yet developmentally able to manage their emotions, so they rely on caregivers to assist them in handling their bodily sensations. When caregivers pick up babies and embrace them, they assist them in controlling their emotions and deepen their connection. This forms the foundation of trust between caregivers and children. Children learn they can rely on their caregivers during times of need.

(Shortform note: Silverton’s argument that caregivers play a crucial role in helping children manage their feelings is especially relevant in the context of neonatal intensive care units (NICUs), where premature babies often can’t be held by their parents for long periods. In The Premature Baby Book, the authors explain that in the NICU, a premature infant’s need for nurturing can be met not only by long periods of being held, but also by the steady, gentle care of a small number of consistent nurses, the reassuring sound of the parents’ voices, the parents’ hands resting calmly on the baby, and a predictable pattern of caregiving routines.)

However, if a caregiver fails to recognize, reflect, or react to an infant's feelings, the infant's central nervous system can become overwhelmed. If a caregiver doesn't address a child's crying or provide needed support, the child might assume something is wrong with them. If a kid realizes they can't depend on others, they become ashamed. They internalize feelings of disgrace.

(Shortform note: While Silverton suggests that children will develop enduring patterns of self-blame if their caregivers fail to recognize, reflect, or react to their feelings, this isn't always the case. In Ordinary Magic, Ann S. Masten explains that children who have at least one consistently responsive and emotionally engaged adult in their lives—such as another parent, grandparent, or teacher—often develop resilience and positive self-perceptions despite early non-responsiveness from a primary caregiver.)

Responding Like a Sage Parent

Silverton suggests using your "wise owl" brain to help your child regulate their emotions. Children have yet to develop a wise owl. They require time to grow and develop it, and they can’t manage their intense emotions, so you must assist them. When you model calm behavior, your child will learn to trust you to assist them with their emotions.

(Shortform note: The “wise owl” is part of a larger movement in child development to use brain-based parenting. This approach uses research on executive functions to create simple metaphors and stories that families can use in everyday conversations.)

In this section, we'll explore responding to your child’s distress with empathy and understanding. We’ll also discuss how to share meaningful experiences with your kids to improve their wellbeing.

Responding Immediately

Silverton advises responding to your child’s distress with empathy and understanding. This helps them relax and feel a bond with you, which strengthens your relationship and supports their development of skills for emotional regulation. It also teaches them empathy, which is essential for their social development and for building a healthy society.

To respond with compassion, Silverton suggests that you first describe what you're observing. This helps your child feel seen and heard. Then, validate their needs or desires. Finally, comfort them with calming words and physical contact.

The Risk of Parental Burnout

While Silverton’s advice to describe, validate, and comfort your child’s distress is well-intentioned, it could backfire if you don’t take care of yourself. According to researchers Isabelle Roskam, Marie-Emilie Raes, and Moïra Mikolajczak, parents who don’t have enough support and resources to meet the demands of parenting are more likely to experience parental burnout. This can lead to emotional exhaustion, detachment from your child, and a loss of confidence in your parenting abilities. Burnout can also increase the risk of neglectful or violent behavior toward your child.

In this section, we’ll explore immediate de-escalation techniques, and we'll also examine ways to build emotional connection and resilience.

Immediate De-escalation Techniques

Silverton suggests applying SAS Parenting to help kids regulate their feelings. This is a three-step process: Describe, Affirm, and Soothe. When you describe your observations, validate your child’s feelings, and soothe them, you help them understand that any emotion is acceptable and manageable.

To employ the SAS Parenting method, first, observe and describe your child's energy by matching it and naming the emotion you see. Next, validate their emotions by demonstrating that you comprehend their experience. Finally, soothe them by remaining present and assisting them in calming down.

(Shortform note: In contrast to Silverton’s approach, psychologist Thomas W. Phelan, author of 1-2-3 Magic, advocates for a more direct approach to managing children’s emotions. He suggests that parents should count misbehaviors and use time-outs to address emotional outbursts, rather than focusing on describing, affirming, or soothing the child’s feelings. Phelan argues that this method is more effective in teaching children self-control and reducing disruptive behaviors.)

Silverton also recommends using the Soothing Stair to calm your child when they're overwhelmed and won't listen to you. It's not punitive. Sit alongside your child and stay with them in the moment. Hug them or, if they're overwhelmed, just sit nearby so you can both relax.

(Shortform note: In The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz explain that children who have experienced trauma or chronic stress may have bodies that associate touch and physical closeness with threat. For these children, the Soothing Stair may backfire.)

Building Emotional Connection & Resilience

Silverton argues that responding with empathy helps create emotional connection and strength. Empathy is the capacity to connect with others' thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It’s crucial for children to grow into adults who are compassionate, considerate, and interact well with others.

Empathy isn’t a skill that develops naturally; we need to experience it. By empathizing with our children, we let them experience the feeling of being comforted. This supports their development of empathy as they realize how nice it is and feel inspired to help others similarly. By demonstrating to our children our ability to empathize with their experiences, we help them grow into emotionally sophisticated adults who care about others. By supporting our kids during anxious times, we assist them in developing resilience and confidence. By spending more time soothing children, parents enhance their emotional capability and competence.

Are We Born With Empathy?

Silverton’s claim that empathy isn’t a skill that develops naturally is debatable. In Born for Love, Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz argue that humans are born with the capacity for empathy. They explain that even newborns will often cry when they hear another infant cry, and very young babies show distress at the pain of others and calm in response to soothing voices and touch. These early reactions reveal an inborn capacity to tune in to other people’s emotional states. However, this biological groundwork is only the starting point; it is the quality and consistency of caregiving—being comforted, understood, and emotionally attuned to over and over again—that sculpts these innate responses into mature empathy, allowing children to grow into adults who can recognize, regulate, and respond thoughtfully to the feelings of others.

Proactive Strategies for Wellbeing

Silverton also suggests spending quality time with your children to improve their wellbeing. This is time with your child without any distractions, such as your phone or the TV. Spending time together matters since it helps you connect with your kid. This connection is the way your child feels your love. When you enjoy quality time together, you nurture them emotionally, which helps them cope with life’s challenges. When you don’t, they might perceive rejection, which can lead to shame and behavioral problems.

Silverton recommends spending a daily 10-minute block and a weekly hour with your kids. During this time, focus entirely on your child.

(Shortform note: For some families, this advice may not be realistic. For example, parents who work multiple jobs or night shifts may not be able to spend a daily 10-minute block and a weekly hour with their kids. In these cases, it may be more helpful to focus on creating predictable routines and rituals that fit their schedules, such as sharing a meal or reading a bedtime story whenever they’re together. These routines can provide a sense of stability and connection, even if the time spent together is brief.)