PDF Summary:The Will to Change, by Bell Hooks

Patriarchy isn't just about men—it's a system that shapes everyone, regardless of gender. In The Will to Change, bell hooks examines how patriarchal structures teach boys to suppress their emotions and resort to violence, creating cycles of harm that affect both men and women. She explains how mothers, institutions, and cultural norms reinforce these patterns, and why silence about patriarchy allows the system to persist.

hooks also offers a path forward through what she calls feminist masculinity. This approach encourages men to reconnect with their emotions, build authentic relationships, and reject violence and domination. You'll learn why men need support systems to heal from patriarchal conditioning, how integrity requires rejecting patriarchal ideals, and why feminist culture must actively invite men to participate in dismantling the structures that harm everyone.

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(Shortform note: While bell hooks argues that men who succeed according to patriarchal standards end up emotionally empty, isolated, and alienated, this may not be universally true. In Manhood in the Making, anthropologist David D. Gilmore examines how different cultures define and experience masculinity. He explains that in some small-scale, tightly knit societies, men who fully embody the local masculine ideal—often defined by generous provisioning and visible communal care—report strong social embeddedness and life satisfaction. In these contexts, the patriarchal promise of power and control is less about individual dominance and more about fulfilling communal obligations, which can lead to a sense of belonging rather than alienation.)

Rage is an easy path to reconnecting with emotions. It may be an ideal mask, hiding emotions like fear and failure. Mothers aligned with patriarchy, who feel anger toward adult men, express this through their sons. They may compel the son to supply the emotional support that grown men refuse her or abuse him emotionally by constantly demeaning and humiliating him. These patriarchal acts of violence convince boys that it’s acceptable for them to be violent toward females. In societies with patriarchal values, women exert violence like men do over those they can easily control—often children or more vulnerable women. Much of the violence women commit against children is emotional, often through verbal attacks or shaming, which are hard to document. We need to study maternal sadism to grasp why adult men are violent toward women.

(Shortform note: The idea that we must study “maternal sadism” to understand men’s violence toward women echoes the psychoanalytic-feminist tradition. In The Mermaid and the Minotaur, Dorothy Dinnerstein argues that because the human infant is almost always nursed, comforted, and disciplined by a woman, each of us first experiences female power as the source both of our deepest satisfaction and of our most intolerable helplessness. She claims that men, once they grow strong in a male-ruled world, are encouraged to defend against this buried dependence by trying to control, degrade, and even attack women rather than acknowledge how profoundly they once needed—and still need—the person who first cared for them.)

Hooks states that in her childhood home, it was evident that her mother fully believed men should be disciplinarians and authority figures. When her father was extremely violent, she simply saw it as justified. Many women who think men are entitled to have authority feel they must tolerate male aggression against themselves or their kids. These women use different violent methods to enforce discipline with children. Afraid of being targeted by an adult man's anger, they might want their kids to behave perfectly so as not to provoke Dad's wrath. hooks found that men with mothers who didn't act while they were being mistreated by male figures in their lives were much more likely to idolize their moms, viewing them as victims without options.

(Shortform note: In her 1996 book Betrayal Trauma, psychologist Jennifer Freyd theorized that children who are abused by one parent may not be able to recognize that the other parent failed to protect them. She argued that this is because the child needs to maintain a relationship with the non-abusive parent to survive. If the child were to recognize that the non-abusive parent failed to protect them, they would have to confront the fact that the non-abusive parent is not a safe person. This would be too much for the child to handle, so they instead block out the memory of the non-abusive parent’s failure to protect them.)

Although they didn’t express resentment toward their mothers and typically couldn't imagine that their mothers could have defended their rights, these men engaged in violent behavior in their romantic relationships with women. Mothers who align with patriarchal values are unable to love their sons in a healthy way because there will inevitably be a point when those values require them to sacrifice their sons. Usually, this happens during the teenage years, when numerous nurturing mothers cease providing their sons with emotional support because they worry it will make them less masculine. Struggling with losing emotional bonds, boys bottle up the pain and hide it behind detachment or anger.

(Shortform note: In The Abusive Personality, psychologist Donald Dutton also connects men’s violence in romantic relationships to their relationships with their mothers. He found that many violent men had a “preoccupied” or “angry” attachment style, which he describes as a pattern of intense dependence on women for affirmation, coupled with a chronic fear of abandonment. He explains that this attachment style often develops in childhood when mothers are inconsistent—sometimes nurturing and other times rejecting. This inconsistency creates a deep-seated anxiety in boys, who grow up to be men who are hypersensitive to perceived slights or separations from their partners. Dutton argues that this fear of abandonment can trigger violent outbursts as a way to regain control and prevent the loss of the relationship.)

Men who can't emotionally connect with their chosen partners remain stuck in time, unwilling to let themselves love due to fear of abandonment. If the first woman they loved intensely, their mother, broke her commitment of love, how can they trust that their partner will honor it? In romantic relationships, these men repeatedly act in ways that assess how much their partners love them. The rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer be loved by his mother because he is not worthy. In adulthood, he might behave unacceptably and still insist that his partner give him love without conditions.

(Shortform note: This pattern of behavior may not apply to men who have an avoidant attachment style. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explain that people with an avoidant attachment style tend to suppress their attachment needs and try to convince themselves that they don’t need much closeness. They may have learned to do this because their caregivers were inconsistent or unresponsive to their needs. As a result, they may be more likely to withdraw or shut down emotionally when they feel stressed or overwhelmed, rather than seeking reassurance from their partners.)

These tests don't mend past hurts; they only replay them, as the woman will eventually get fed up with being tested and leave the relationship, mirroring the original abandonment. For a lot of men, this drama shows they can't trust in love. They opt to prioritize faith in strength and authority. Although most people desire love, those who seek control are prepared to give it up if it's necessary to lead. A man doesn't need emotional well-being or the ability to give and receive love to hold a position of power. The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women.

(Shortform note: In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explain that people with an anxious attachment style often engage in what they call “protest behavior”—actions such as withdrawing, threatening to leave, or provoking jealousy that are attempts to regain closeness when they sense emotional distance. These reactions grow out of early relationships with caregivers who were inconsistently available, leading adults to seek out and recreate familiar emotional dynamics in their intimate relationships even when doing so repeatedly causes them distress. This perspective helps explain why men who are insecurely attached might repeatedly test their partners or lose faith in love. They’re not just reacting to their current relationship but are reenacting patterns from their past. Their turn to faith in strength and authority can be seen as an attempt to find stability and predictability in a world where emotional connections feel unreliable.)

Instead, patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If someone doesn't manage to stifle their own emotions, patriarchal men will engage in power rituals to attack their self-esteem.

(Shortform note: In this sentence, “psychic self-mutilation” refers to the habit of turning a harsh inner voice against your own tenderness or curiosity, and “power rituals” refers to the group performances that men engage in to affirm their status. In Manhood in America, Michael S. Kimmel explains that men are constantly performing for other men, and that male peer groups enforce masculinity through jokes, tests, and put-downs.)

Pathways to Healing and Feminist Masculinity

hooks asserts that feminist masculinity encourages men to engage with others and build community. This approach allows men to reconnect with themselves and others, revealing the inherent positive qualities of being male and letting everyone appreciate the glory of loving masculinity. In contrast, patriarchal masculinity causes men to feel isolated and disconnected.

Theories of Multiple Masculinities

hooks’s distinction between feminist and patriarchal masculinity is part of a larger field of critical men’s studies, which examines how different forms of masculinity are constructed and maintained in society. This field challenges the idea that there’s a single, natural way to be a man. Instead, it argues that masculinity is a set of social patterns that compete with each other. Sociologist R. W. Connell’s theory of multiple masculinities, for example, identifies a dominant “hegemonic masculinity” that’s supported by other forms of masculinity and femininity.

hooks believes that men need new examples of how to be masculine, rejecting domination and violence. These models should show men how to become complete, integrated people who aren't required to define themselves in opposition to others. Feminist masculinity shows men that they gain authenticity by connecting with others and building community. It encourages men to develop awareness of their emotions and to cultivate self-love and love for others. It also advises that males ought to be assertive and aggressive when needed, but not violent or domineering. Feminist manhood is an inventive approach that supports and enriches life.

Caring Masculinities

Before hooks, gender studies researchers had already begun to explore alternative models of masculinity. In the 1980s, researchers began to study men who were primary caregivers for their children. In the 2010s, gender studies scholars began to publish academic books and scholarly monographs on the topic of “caring masculinities.” These works explore how men can center caregiving and emotional labor in their masculine identity. While distinct from hooks’s concept of feminist masculinity, caring masculinities offer a similar theoretical framework for reimagining masculinity.

Next, we’ll explore the principles of a love ethic and feminist masculinity, in addition to practices for relational healing and accountability.

Principles of a Love Ethic & Feminist Masculinity

hooks explains that feminist masculinity emphasizes honesty, loving oneself, and emotional mindfulness. It's a dedication to equality between genders and reciprocity, which are essential to interbeing and collaboration in creating and sustaining life. It defines strength as the ability to take responsibility for oneself and others.

Feminist masculinity holds that simply existing gives men value and they don't need to act or perform to be validated and loved. It prioritizes nonviolent action, peace, and life over aggression, conflict, and mortality.

(Shortform note: The term “interbeing” was coined by Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh to describe the interconnectedness of all things. He explains that nothing exists in isolation, and everything is made up of everything else. For example, a piece of paper contains the sun, rain, and soil that nourished the tree it came from. Interbeing emphasizes that our lives are deeply interconnected, and we’re constantly co-creating our existence through our relationships with others and the world around us.)

hooks also states that a philosophy of love requires mutuality and collaboration. Feminist ideology and practice cultivate an environment that allows mutuality to grow.

(Shortform note: Feminist ideology and practice create the psychological safety necessary for mutuality and collaboration to grow. By challenging traditional power dynamics and promoting equality, feminist practices encourage open communication and shared decision-making.)

Methods for Relational Healing & Accountability

Hooks argues that men require support systems to assist them in healing and changing. They need people who will affirm their ability to change and welcome them when they do. They also need help when they get caught up in old patterns and support to heal from the pain of feeling unloved. Furthermore, men need people who will help them mourn their former selves and create room for a new self to emerge.

Additionally, hooks argues that men need support systems to help them reconnect with their emotions and discover how to love, build community, and form intimate relationships. They need help to resist patriarchal thinking and embrace feminism in practice. Finally, they need people who will help them discover and maintain healing practices.

(Shortform note: Research supports hooks’s argument that support systems are crucial for men to change. In a meta-analysis of 148 studies, Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Timothy B. Smith, and J. Bradley Layton found that adults with strong social relationships were 50% more likely to survive over time than those who were socially isolated. This suggests that structured support systems can have a profound impact on men’s ability to change, heal, and reconnect with their emotions.)

In the following sections, we’ll explore the internal tasks of mourning, accountability, and completeness, along with external actions like critique, intervention, and building feminist culture.

Internal Work: Mourning, Accountability, and Being Complete

hooks states that men must reclaim their sense of wholeness and integrity by rejecting patriarchal ideals. Integrity involves being complete and undivided, with all parts of who you are united. Patriarchal society makes men become divided souls. Young males learn to conceal their true feelings behind a façade to embody patriarchal expectations. Betraying oneself when you're young gets rewarded. This division is evident in men's tendency to compartmentalize. This internal divide creates fertile soil for psychological disorders.

(Shortform note: In 1960, psychiatrist R. D. Laing published The Divided Self, which argued that people with psychosis often feel pressured to appear “normal” and that this pressure can split their inner life into disconnected parts. Laing’s book was influential in the 1960s and 1970s, and it helped to shift the focus of psychiatry from biological causes of mental illness to social and psychological factors. Laing’s work was controversial, but it helped to open up new ways of thinking about mental illness and the human mind.)

They’re unable to feel joy or love. They discover that relationships revolve around domination, manipulation, keeping secrets, intimidation, humiliation, loneliness, and alienation. These are the qualities esteemed in patriarchal men. They come to disdain their vulnerability. The male spirit's injury can only be repaired through the cultivation of integrity. Men need to reclaim everything they gave up to fulfill patriarchal masculine expectations. This recovery is essential for restoring their integrity.

(Shortform note: It’s unlikely that patriarchal men are unable to feel joy or love. In experiments where people were asked to suppress their emotions, they were able to inhibit the outward display of feelings but not the internal emotional responses. This suggests that while patriarchal men may suppress the outward expression of joy and love, they still experience the internal emotional responses associated with these feelings.)

External Action: Critique, Intervention, and Building Feminist Culture

Hooks argues that feminist culture must address how patriarchy affects men and encourage their participation in feminist causes. Feminism has frequently been portrayed to males as anti-male, and no collective invitation has been extended for their involvement in the movement. There isn't a collection of feminist work that's approachable, understandable, and brief for men. There's also not much feminist work focusing on boyhood. hooks notes that teachers often view gender equality for children primarily as giving girls equal rights and privileges to boys within the current societal framework. They don't see it as about providing boys with the rights girls have. The gender equality many people assume exists in adulthood isn't present in kids' literature or in public and private education.

(Shortform note: Since hooks wrote this book, there have been more explicit invitations for boys and men to join the feminist movement. For example, The Guy’s Guide to Feminism by Michael Kaufman and Michael Kimmel is a mass-market book that explains feminism to men and boys. The authors argue that feminism is one of the best things that ever happened to men because it challenges the narrow, sometimes brutal rules of manhood that tell guys to shut down our feelings, dominate others, and prove ourselves through risk and violence, and instead invites us into lives built on mutual respect, emotional connection, shared power, and nonviolence, where men are not cast as the enemy but are welcomed as full partners in creating gender justice.)

hooks points out that men who decided to support feminism frequently identified as gay or bisexual, or were involved in heterosexual partnerships with women who were radical feminists. Many women in these relationships found that the men in their lives lost interest in transforming masculinity after the initial feminist fervor subsided. The men who embraced a feminist idea of male liberation discovered that this change earned little respect from women. The “new man” that is the man changed by feminism was represented as a wimp, as dominated by powerful females who were secretly longing for his macho counterpart.

(Shortform note: In Men and Feminism, Shira Tarrant argues that male participation in feminism is more visible today than it was in the 1970s. She notes that some men are genuinely committed to dismantling sexism, while others perform a feminist identity for social approval. Tarrant suggests that what matters most is not whether men adopt the label “feminist” or gain recognition for it, but whether they engage in accountable, consistent, and often uncomfortable work to challenge gender injustice in their everyday lives, relationships, and institutions.)

Men who supported the cause chose to stop trying to participate in women-led feminist efforts and joined the men's movement. This movement focused on the importance of men connecting with their emotions and communicating with other men. But it still supported patriarchy by insisting that men had to detach from women to realize their full potential.

Not All Men’s Movements Support Detachment

In Politics of Masculinities, sociologist Michael Messner argues that there are actually multiple men’s movements, and that one of the key differences between them is whether they believe men should detach from women. Messner describes a profeminist strand of the men’s movement that explicitly rejects the idea that men should detach from women. Instead, these men see their work as part of a broader feminist project for gender justice, and they organize in partnership with women to challenge men’s violence, transform intimate relationships, and democratize institutions.