PDF Summary:The Velvet Rage, by Alan Downs

Many gay men struggle with feelings of shame that develop early in life and persist into adulthood, affecting their relationships, careers, and sense of self. In The Velvet Rage, psychologist Alan Downs explores how this shame originates from feeling different in a society that reinforces traditional masculinity, and how it leads to a cycle of validation-seeking, avoidance behaviors, and emotional disconnection.

Downs outlines three developmental stages that gay men often experience: being consumed by shame, compensating for it through external achievements, and eventually fostering authentic self-expression. He offers practical guidance for breaking free from shame's grip, including how to discover genuine passion and joy, align your behavior with your values, build trustworthy relationships, and take ownership of your emotions. This guide provides tools for moving beyond shame and creating a meaningful, authentic life.

(continued)...

A 2019 study by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law found that gay men born after 1980 were more likely to come out at a younger age and experience less internalized homophobia than previous generations. This suggests that the traditional model of identity crisis followed by shame may not apply to all gay men, particularly those who grew up in more accepting environments. Additionally, a 2021 study published in the journal Sexuality Research and Social Policy identified four distinct developmental pathways for gay men: linear, cyclical, contextual, and fluid. The researchers found that many gay men experience a non-linear progression, with periods of acceptance followed by renewed struggles with shame or identity. This challenges the notion of a single, universal developmental trajectory for gay men.

Healing and Growth from Toxic Shame

Healing from toxic shame involves discovering passion and joy. Downs describes passion as consistently feeling joyful about engaging in an activity. Joy itself is a bodily sensation of feeling weightless and pain-free. He suggests that being passionate is a complex code implanted in each of us, and breaking that code is a lifelong endeavor. A sad result of being raised with toxic shame is that we're poorly prepared to decipher this code. True passion is accessible only when we've overcome the shame from our early years. Until that point, we might catch fleeting moments of passion, though we won't fully experience it.

(Shortform note: Downs’s description of passion and joy is reminiscent of the positive psychology movement, which focuses on the study of human strengths and well-being. Positive psychology emphasizes the importance of finding meaning and fulfillment in life, often through the pursuit of activities that bring joy and satisfaction. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of “flow” is particularly relevant here. Flow is a state of complete immersion and engagement in an activity, where time seems to disappear and the individual experiences a deep sense of satisfaction. This aligns with Downs’s idea of passion as a complex code that needs to be deciphered, suggesting that true passion is something intrinsic and deeply personal, rather than something imposed from the outside.)

Joy is a fleeting emotion that can go unnoticed if we’re not mindful. Therefore, we must learn to generate joy and make it last by opening ourselves up to it, recognizing when we experience it, and doing the things that lead to it. The first step is to prepare ourselves to be in the most favorable state for happiness, which includes getting enough rest, eating well, and being in a safe environment. A frequent issue for people who say they don't experience joy is physical exhaustion and being overly stressed.

(Shortform note: The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) notes that people with depression may experience a loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, decreased energy or fatigue, and feelings of hopelessness, guilt, or worthlessness. This means that even if someone is well rested, eating adequately, and relatively safe from stress, they may still be unable to generate or sustain joy. The NIMH emphasizes that depression is a serious mood disorder that requires treatment, typically through psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of both.)

To amplify your sense of joy, Downs recommends mindfully noticing when you feel it. Pay attention to how you feel over the course of the day. Sometimes, journaling may assist with this activity. When you experience a bit of joy, even if it's small, be aware of your actions and surroundings at that time. By documenting the actions and setting where joy happens, you'll be better able to replicate the experience. Downs also warns against conflating joy and the satisfaction of validation. Although outside occurrences may spark the inner sensation of joy, it’s easy to think that joy is purely an experience of validation. Our most intense joy isn't usually linked to external validation.

The Humanistic Roots of Joy

Downs’s ideas about joy and validation are rooted in the humanistic tradition of psychology, which emphasizes the importance of self-actualization and personal growth. Self-determination theory, a humanistic theory, suggests that people are most fulfilled when they satisfy three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When these needs are met, people experience a deep sense of joy and satisfaction. However, when people rely on external validation to feel good about themselves, they may become dependent on others' approval and lose touch with their own needs and desires.

Now, let's explore specific skills and practices for authentic living, as well as the relational dynamics that can impact healing.

Skills and Practices for Authentic Living

Downs suggests that you should behave in ways that align with your fundamental principles. When you behave in alignment with your fundamental values, even if others disapprove, you boost your overall happiness.

(Shortform note: Downs’s advice to behave in alignment with your fundamental principles is sound, but it can be difficult to know how to do this in practice. To make it easier, try creating an “if-then” plan for a common situation.)

He also recommends accepting reality. By not accepting reality, you experience distress. However, acceptance doesn't equal approval—you can accept things you dislike or even loathe. Acceptance helps you to progress and feel like you're regaining control of your life. Therefore, when your life isn’t how you hoped, stop insisting it should change. Accept the entirety of reality before you contemplate change.

(Shortform note: If you’re in a dangerous or unjust situation, accepting reality and stopping insisting it should change could keep you in a damaging situation. For example, if you’re in an abusive relationship, accepting reality could mean you stay in the relationship and continue to be abused. Instead, you should take steps to keep yourself safe, such as leaving the relationship or seeking help from a trusted friend or professional.)

Downs further advises keeping trustworthy people around you. We're all susceptible to being affected by those we're close to. Therefore, it's important to be around people whose values align with yours and who motivate your personal growth. Be deliberate and careful regarding whom you let into your close-knit group. You can often end up among people who are judgmental and unsupportive of authenticity. Frequently facing judgment increases our natural tendency to judge others. People who judge others will end up judging you as well. Instead, look for friends who aim to improve themselves and will take ownership of both their successes and failures. They will motivate your growth into the person you aspire to become.

(Shortform note: While Downs’s advice to keep trustworthy people around you is sound, it can backfire if you’re not careful. If you only surround yourself with people who share your values and goals, you may end up in an echo chamber. In Going to Extremes, Cass R. Sunstein explains that echo chambers can make you less tolerant of people who disagree with you. This can be a problem if you’re trying to be more authentic, as it can make it harder to be open and honest with people who don’t share your views.)

Another skill for authentic living is to acknowledge what's legitimate in others. Validation is a crucial ability for maintaining relationships. It means recognizing or commending what's positive and fitting, but not what's inappropriate. Validation is the key to a mutually satisfying relationship. However, you shouldn't offer insincere or untruthful compliments. People can tell when others are being condescending or insincere. If you give excessive validation, people will become suspicious and discount anything you say.

How to Validate Someone

Many relationship experts agree that validation is a crucial skill for maintaining healthy relationships. However, they often describe validation as more than just recognizing what's positive and fitting. In I Hear You, Michael S. Sorensen explains that validation is the simple, powerful act of openly acknowledging another person’s emotions and inner logic—of saying, in essence, “I hear you, and given what you’ve been through, it makes sense that you feel the way you do,” even if you don’t necessarily agree with their conclusions or think you would have responded the same way yourself.

Finally, Downs suggests taking ownership of your feelings. Numerous gay men are taught to live by others' expectations, which leads them to believe that others control their emotions. Still, these feelings are yours, and you can control them. To do this, identify your emotions, express them truthfully, and take ownership of them without assigning blame.

(Shortform note: Downs’s suggestion that you can control your feelings may be a bit of an overstatement. In How Emotions Are Made, Lisa Feldman Barrett explains that you can train yourself to influence your feelings, but you can’t control them. For example, you can’t decide to feel happy when you’re sad, but you can train yourself to moderate your feelings.)

Here are some techniques for change and characteristics of living authentically.

Techniques to Transform Yourself

Downs believes that transformation arises from putting abilities into practice, not just gaining insight. While understanding your upbringing can be comforting, it won't alter your behavior. You have to practice new behaviors until they feel natural in your day-to-day. That's how you change your life.

(Shortform note: To make new behaviors feel natural, start by choosing a small action that reflects the change you want. For example, if you want to be more assertive, practice saying “no” to small requests. Link this new behavior to an existing habit, like doing it right after your morning coffee. This way, the old habit acts as a reminder to practice the new behavior.)

Characteristics of Authentic Living

According to Downs, genuine living involves being accountable for your actions. This improves your relationships and self-esteem while alleviating the burden of shame. When you encounter a problem in a relationship, initially think about your role before examining the other person's mistakes.

(Shortform note: While taking responsibility for your actions can be beneficial, it can also be harmful in certain situations. In Trauma and Recovery, Judith Lewis Herman explains that in abusive relationships, perpetrators often shift responsibility for the abuse onto their victims.)

Relational Dynamics and Healing

Downs argues that ambivalence in relationships can lead to emotional confusion and distance. Ambivalence occurs when one partner is sometimes affectionate and supportive, then becomes emotionally distant when the other individual tries to get closer. This recurring pattern can persist for years, leaving the recipient confused and feeling lost.

Ambivalent relationships can be equally harmful as physical or emotional maltreatment. The fluctuating nature of these relationships gradually depletes a gay man's emotional resources. He may begin to doubt his capability to navigate the relationship and even his grasp on reality. This belief can persist into later relationships.

How Ambivalence Leads to Self-Doubt

In Surfing Uncertainty, Andy Clark explains that the brain is a prediction engine. It constantly generates expectations about the causes of its sensory inputs, using incoming signals only to correct its own predictions. When feedback from the world is unstable or noisy, it produces persistent prediction error and forces the system to down-regulate the confidence it has in its own interpretations. This means that when your partner is warm one moment and distant the next, your brain starts to treat its own interpretations as unreliable, which feels like losing trust in your reality.

Next, let’s discuss how trauma can affect relationships and how shame can lead to dysfunctional relational patterns.

Trauma & Recovery in Partnerships

Downs highlights that homosexual men often go through relational trauma, which can affect their ability to form healthy connections. This trauma can involve betrayal, abuse, abandonment, or ambivalence. Relationship trauma can cause symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), such as experiencing the trauma again, steering clear of thinking or feeling about it, and steering clear of events or scenarios that trigger memories of it. Additionally, it can cause amnesia around significant elements of the trauma, diminished enthusiasm for meaningful activities, a sense of being uninteresting or rejected by others, a lack of emotional expression, a feeling of having no future, and hypervigilance. These symptoms can impede the ability to create beneficial relationships.

(Shortform note: In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk provides evidence that trauma, including relational trauma, can lead to symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He explains that trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think. Brain-imaging studies show that when people are repeatedly hurt, ignored, or violated within relationships, the neural circuits that register danger become chronically activated, while the systems involved in self-awareness, emotional regulation, and connection with others are muted. In that state, the body keeps reacting as if threat is imminent, and closeness and vulnerability with other people are experienced not as sources of safety but as potential dangers to be defended against.)

Traumatic memories stay vivid and active over a gay man’s lifetime, and he tends to respond to future relationships through the lens of those memories. Downs believes the worst kind of relationship trauma is betrayal, which centers on a partner intentionally trying to damage, mislead, or ruin the other.

(Shortform note: Downs isn’t the first to write about betrayal as a form of trauma. In her 1996 book Betrayal Trauma, psychologist Jennifer J. Freyd argues that when the person who harms us is also someone we rely on for care, protection, or emotional connection, the victim may become partially or completely unaware of the abuse in order to preserve that necessary relationship.)

Relational Patterns and the Dynamics of Shame

Downs explains that shame can lead to dysfunctional relational patterns, such as an inability to admit mistakes, a tendency to blame others, and a cycle of intense infatuation followed by criticism and eventual breakup. Shame can also cause someone to abandon their partner, either physically or emotionally, to avoid facing relationship problems. Pulling away emotionally is frequently prompted by feeling dismissed within a relationship. This can appear in many forms, but ultimately makes you feel that your partner is either unable or unwilling to empathize with your perspective.

Shame Leads to Hostility and Withdrawal

Research supports Downs’s assertion that shame can lead to dysfunctional relational patterns. In a review of studies on shame and guilt, researchers found that people who experience more shame are more likely to be hostile and defensive in their relationships. They’re also more likely to withdraw from their partners. This is in contrast to guilt, which is associated with more positive relationship outcomes. These findings suggest that shame can have a negative impact on relationships, supporting Downs’s description of shame-linked relational patterns.