PDF Summary:The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson

In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Mark Manson argues that we are frustrated in life and feel like failures because we value and prioritize the wrong things, thanks in part to society’s emphasis on positive thinking, over-involved parents, and our susceptibility to superficial social media messages. This leads us to pursue emotional highs that don’t lead to lasting happiness.

The solutions are counterintuitive and include: be wrong, fail, tolerate feeling bad, accept pain, practice rejection. Because we can’t care equally about everything, we need to prioritize and focus on what brings us happiness and meaning. In other words, we need to carefully choose what we give our f*cks about.

The book draws from several established philosophies (Stoicism, Existentialism, and Buddhism), and we’ll expand and clarify the book’s messages by tracing their origins to these schools of thought. We’ll also explore some of the psychology behind what motivates people’s decisions, and why we’re driven to give so many f*cks about so many unimportant things.

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A lot of what Manson says in Subtle Art is about managing your emotions, rather than letting your emotions manage you. That’s why he warns against unrestrained pleasure-seeking, or simply trying to “feel good.” The emotional intelligence model can give you some benchmarks for how well you’re following Manson’s advice.

Believing That Everyone Is Special

Manson argues that many people’s problems in coping with life stem from the self-esteem/exceptionalism philosophy that began spreading through schools, churches, and business development seminars in the 1960s and 1970s. The priority became feeling good about yourself rather than trying, failing, learning, and accomplishing things. It has produced delusional people who can’t handle challenges or adversity.

He contends that in fact, you are not special: Your experiences and problems are shared by millions of others. When you believe you’re special, you feel entitled to feel good and have a problem-free life, which gets in the way of choosing constructive values.

You’re Not Special—And That’s a Good Thing

Therapist Lori Gottlieb’s memoir Maybe You Should Talk to Someone discusses the fact that sometimes, a person who’s going through difficulty in life can’t move past it until they stop seeing their problems as unique or exceptional. In one example that she relates to illustrate this, a woman with a history of alcoholism (prompted by an abusive marriage) is unable to forgive herself for her past mistakes—she feels like she has messed up her life in a unique way and that her mistakes are worse than other people’s. She’s therefore unable to get involved in a new (healthier) romantic relationship. She can only move forward when she accepts that her struggles are similar to millions of other people’s struggles.

Another of Gottlieb’s examples shows the opposite type of exceptionalism: A man who thinks he’s smarter than everyone around him continually causes problems in his relationships until he accepts that he isn’t special, either.

These examples show that feelings of exceptionalism can work in both ways—they can hold people to pain that they think is special, or they can hold people to feelings of superiority that prevent meaningful relationships. It’s only when a person recognizes that they’re not exceptional (and that that’s okay), that they’re able to make progress in treatment and in their lives.

Trying to Avoid Pain

Manson’s definition of happiness involves struggling to solve problems. The question he asks is: What are you willing to struggle for? What pain are you willing to endure to get what you want? The answers to those questions determine how our lives turn out.

Pain tells us what to pay attention to. From it, we learn what to do differently in the future. Therefore, when we strive for a life that’s free of problems and pain, we don’t get to learn from our suffering. You can’t have a painless life; instead, you must choose what kind of pain or struggle is meaningful to you.

Mike Tyson’s Daily Struggle

Often, choosing to struggle once is not enough; to thrive, you have to continually recommit to your meaningful struggle.

Mike Tyson is known as one of the greatest boxers of all time—in his prime, he boasted punching power that few people in history could equal, and skills to match. However, Tyson only became the dominant force that he was because he was willing to go through immense pain and struggle on a daily basis.

According to one article, Tyson’s daily routine went something like this:

• Wake up at 5 A.M.

• 3-mile run

• Breakfast

• 10 rounds sparring

• Lunch

• More sparring (amount not specified)

• 2,000 squats

• 2,500 situps

• 500 elbow dips

• 500 push-ups

• 500 shoulder shrugs (holding a 66lb barbell)

• Dinner

• Exercise bike

• Bed at 10 P.M.

This routine is more than most people would subject themselves to even once, let alone every day. Tyson’s willingness to suffer through it over and over again is what made him into a champion boxer.

Adopting Destructive Values

Manson says that our culture and our media often push destructive values, which crowd out positive values and lead to dissatisfaction.

Some of these destructive values include:

• Pleasure: It’s a part of life but not sufficient for happiness in and of itself. You’ll run into problems (for instance, addiction or obesity) if you make superficial pleasure your priority. It’s also a value that gets in the way of relationships with others.
• Material success: People often base their self-esteem on what they own or how much money they make. But acquiring more wealth provides less and less satisfaction, once our basic needs are met. Also, when we prioritize wealth/success over deeper values, we can become shallow.
• Always being right: Research shows that we’re often wrong about things. If you feel you must be right all the time, you’ll be frustrated. Also, if you don’t admit mistakes you can’t learn from them.
• Staying positive: Staying positive has benefits, but it’s unhealthy to deny reality when it’s bad or to repress negative emotions. Sometimes life stinks. Constantly being positive is a way of avoiding problems rather than solving them.

(Shortform note: Negative values like these usually stem from what you think other people value. They’re about how you relate to others (power and control), what you think they admire in you (money or status), or how they think of you (popularity, admiration, fame, and so on). Manson is urging you to instead choose values that are about yourself, because you can’t control what other people think or do. Since it’s out of your control, it’s not worth giving a f*ck about.)

How to Give the Right F*cks

As an antidote to a life spent pursuing superficial things and living by destructive values, Manson suggests that you instead adopt these five constructive values, which will help you give f*cks about the right things:

1. Take responsibility for everything that happens in your life, whether or not it’s your fault. You may not be to blame for what happens to you, but you are responsible for choosing how you respond.
2. Admit that you could be wrong: In order to grow, you should entertain doubt about your beliefs, feelings, and rightness. Instead of trying to prove you’re right, you should look for ways you’re wrong, to see where you can grow. Accept that you aren’t always right.
3. Embrace failure: Failure is an opportunity to learn. To succeed at something you first have to fail, usually multiple times, so you can learn.
4. Practice rejection: Our culture tells us to always be positive and accepting of everything. But in order to stand for something you have to make choices, accepting some things and rejecting others that run counter to the values you’ve chosen. In order to have a healthy love relationship, you also need to be able to say and hear “no.”
5. Reflect on your mortality to keep your life and values in perspective. You aren’t as obsessed with trivial things when you confront and accept the reality that you’ll die.

He promises that, when you live by values and standards that are meaningful to you, pleasure, success, and happiness will come as a result.

Manson’s Values Compared to Aurelius’s Meditations

Manson’s five counterintuitive values are very similar to some of the main topics of Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations:

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck:

• Take responsibility for everything in your life.

  • However, remember that responsibility and blame are not the same thing.

• Accept uncertainty. Remember that you don’t know everything; doubt yourself and your beliefs, and examine them critically.

• Embrace failure. Learn from your mistakes and use your failures as opportunities to grow.

• Practice rejection. Stop giving f*cks about the unimportant things in your life. Reject everything unimportant.

  • Corollary: Practice saying no to people, and accepting it when people say no to you.

• Reflect on your mortality. Keep your life in perspective, as that will help you develop constructive values and standards.

Meditations:

• Be strict with yourself and patient with others. The only things you can control are your own actions—thus, you are personally responsible for everything that you do.

  • You are not responsible for what other people think, say, and do; that’s neither your responsibility nor your problem.

• Embrace logos (meaning both personal logic and natural laws). Aurelius believed that the universe was governed by perfect logic and natural laws, which ensured that everything would proceed in the best possible way.

  • However, people have limited perspectives and imperfect logic, which often leads them to incorrect conclusions. Aurelius argued that, if you feel unhappy or anxious, it’s because you’re struggling under some incorrect understanding of the world.

• Live without fear. Aurelius insists that the only danger in life is that which damages your character—in other words, the only things you should fear are your own flaws.

  • Thus, you should work ruthlessly and fearlessly to improve yourself.

• Only concern yourself with living well. Aurelius urges you to reject material wealth and pleasure, and devote yourself completely to your duty (whatever that may be).

• Examine life and death rationally. A person’s life is finite, and insignificant compared to the world.

  • Therefore, anything you do for yourself is meaningless; every action you take should make the world better somehow.