PDF Summary:The Next Conversation, by Jefferson Fisher

Are you tired of arguing, talking in circles, or feeling misunderstood? In The Next Conversation, trial lawyer Jefferson Fisher offers practical techniques for communicating effectively in everyday situations—whether you’re navigating family disagreements, workplace conflicts, or even arguments with total strangers. He explains how to connect with others, have healthier arguments, assert yourself respectfully, and handle communication roadblocks like insults and interruptions.

In this guide, we’ll explore the essential tools of effective communication: connection, preparation, and assertiveness. Then, we’ll look more specifically at how to navigate arguments and difficult conversations. We’ll discuss the anatomy of an argument, how to maintain composure and deal with defensive behaviors, and how to smooth things over in later talks. We’ll also compare Fisher’s insights with those from other communication books like George Thompson’s Verbal Judo, and we’ll share additional tips for communicating better in everyday life.

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Qualifiers: These are unnecessary words that weaken your message, like “maybe,” “just,” “kind of,” and unnecessary apologies. For example, instead of saying, “Sorry for the inconvenience,” say, “Thank you for your understanding.” This small change makes you sound more confident while still being polite.

Filler words: These are sounds or words we use to fill pauses when speaking, such as “um,” “like,” and “you know.” Fisher writes that a brief pause sounds more professional and confident than filling the space with these words. People often view those who speak less but choose their words carefully with more respect and attention.

Upspeak: This happens when your voice goes up at the end of a sentence, making statements sound like questions. Upspeak makes you sound unsure of yourself. Fisher suggests keeping your voice steady or letting it go slightly down at the end of sentences instead.

The Double Standard of Speaking Assertively

The uncertain speech habits Fisher lists might not be the problem—the issue could also be how society views the person who’s doing the speaking. Linguistic experts argue that society judges women’s speech patterns far more harshly than men’s. For instance, both men and women use upspeak and vocal fry (a creaky voice at the end of sentences), yet society mainly criticizes women for these habits. Men use uptalk just as often as women do, and vocal fry is even considered a sign of hyper-masculinity in the United Kingdom.

Additionally, what sounds unprofessional to one generation sounds perfectly competent to another. Linguistics professor Penny Eckert reports that when she played a recording of someone using vocal fry, her students—who were mainly from a younger generation—thought the speaker sounded professional and authoritative. Therefore, while you can work on speaking more assertively to build confidence, you should also recognize that some criticism of speech patterns reflects gender biases and generational differences rather than actual communication problems.

Assert Boundaries

Fisher adds that you must also assert boundaries when communicating with others. Boundaries are personal rules that protect things that matter to you—for instance, your time, your family, or your emotional well-being. To communicate boundaries, clearly tell others what you expect. You can do this in three steps:

1. Establish the boundary using an “I” statement. For example, “I don’t take work calls after 6 p.m. because that’s my family time.”

2. Explain the consequences of crossing the boundary. Use conditional language—for example, “If you call me after 6 p.m., I won’t answer and will return your call the next business day.”

3. Follow through on the stated consequence. For example, if a colleague calls at 8 p.m., don’t pick up the phone. Instead, call back in the morning like you said you would.

Fisher writes that people who truly care will respect your boundaries. However, be careful not to create too many, which can damage relationships and allow you to avoid responsibilities. Set boundaries only for things that really matter, and stay flexible about less important things.

How Not to Set Boundaries

Another caution about boundaries in addition to Fisher’s is that you might enforce them in counterproductive ways. In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab explains that many people fall into three common traps when trying to protect their boundaries:

Passive aggression is when you punish someone for crossing a boundary you never actually communicated. This approach fails because the other person can’t fix a problem they don’t know exists.

Aggression is when you yell, shame, or fight when someone violates your boundaries. This might get your point across, but it will damage your relationships and make people afraid of you.

Manipulation is when you use indirect tactics like guilt-tripping to get what you want instead of stating your needs clearly—for instance, telling your coworker that management thinks they’re lazy instead of saying you can’t take on their project. Once people realize they’re being manipulated, they lose trust in you and may resent you for trying to control them.

Learn to Say No

In addition to speaking more assertively and setting boundaries, you must learn to say no. Fisher explains that saying no is a skill that helps you take control of your time and energy. It lets you make choices based on what you want, not what others expect from you.

Fisher suggests a three-step process to turn down requests: Start with a clear “no,” express gratitude, and then end by saying something positive. For example, if a coworker asks you to take on an extra project when you’re already busy, you might say, “No, I can’t take on another project right now. I appreciate you considering me for this opportunity. Best of luck with the project!”

Fisher says that you don’t need to apologize or explain why you’re declining. Most of our worries about disappointing others are overblown—if someone keeps pushing for reasons, just repeat your answer without adding details.

Why Saying No Is Harder Than You Think—And Additional Tips to Master It

According to Greg McKeown in Essentialism, our reluctance to decline requests runs much deeper than we realize. He explains that humans evolved to cooperate and conform because these traits helped our ancestors survive in groups. This means that when you feel uncomfortable turning someone down, you’re fighting thousands of years of evolutionary programming that tells you to get along with others.

To make saying no easier, consider the following tips:

1. Remember you’re rejecting the request, not the person. Separating the decision from the relationship helps you communicate more kindly while staying firm.

2. Think about what you’d give up by saying yes. McKeown explains that remembering the trade-off makes declining easier—every yes to one thing means saying no to something else.

3. View requests as transactions. The other person is essentially selling you something (a cause, opportunity, or social event) in exchange for your time, which helps you evaluate whether it’s worth “buying.”

4. Accept temporary unpopularity. While someone might be disappointed initially, McKeown notes they’ll likely respect you more in the long run for valuing your time.

Part 2: How to Have Healthy Arguments

Now that we’ve covered the three tools for effective communication, let’s discuss how to navigate arguments. Fisher presents four tips for turning conflicts into productive conversations: 1) Understand what triggers arguments and how they escalate, 2) stay calm and focus on connecting rather than winning, 3) handle difficult responses like insults and defensiveness, and 4) follow up with additional conversations for better resolutions.

Let’s discuss each tip in detail.

Tip #1: Understand Why Arguments Happen

Fisher explains that arguments typically follow a predictable pattern with two stages: escalation and cool-down.

Escalation happens when an argument heats up. During this phase, your body treats the argument like a threat, and your emotions take over. Your fight-or-flight response activates, causing your body to release adrenaline, increase your heart rate, and reduce your ability to think clearly. As a result, people might become defensive, shout, or resort to personal attacks.

Fisher writes that knowing what makes arguments escalate can help you control them. Two types of triggers cause strong negative reactions:

• Physical triggers threaten your body. Someone standing too close, raising their voice, or making sudden movements can set you off.
• Psychological triggers threaten your identity and relationships. These include fear of being rejected, having someone doubt your abilities, or worrying about losing important relationships.

Understanding triggers helps in two ways: First, you can catch yourself before you get emotional. Second, when someone else gets upset, you can ask yourself, “What trigger did I just hit?” instead of getting angry back.

(Shortform note: In Triggers, Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter explain that a trigger is any stimulus you encounter that causes an automatic reaction. It’s hard to control your reactions to triggers because your brain is wired to take the easy path, and negative reactions feel easier than positive ones. For example, when your coworker interrupts you for the third time in one day, snapping at them feels more natural and rewarding than taking a deep breath and responding calmly. Therefore, the authors recommend cultivating awareness in the moment to notice and interrupt your automatic responses to triggers, and they concur with much of Fisher’s advice on how to do so, which we’ll cover in the next tip.)

Fisher explains that the second stage of arguments happens when people cool down—for example, when someone walks away, when you reach an impasse, or when you and the other person reach a mutual understanding. During this stage, people feel emotionally and physically drained—their heart rates slow, their breathing normalizes, and their rational thinking returns.

Use Time-Outs Before Arguments Escalate

While Fisher describes how arguments naturally cool down when someone walks away, relationship experts say that deliberately taking time-outs can prevent fights from escalating in the first place. For this to work, you must call a time-out early. Take a break as soon as you notice early warning signs like a quick heartbeat, raised voices, or defensive body language, along with the triggers that Fisher mentions.

Then, during the break, actively work on calming yourself down. Therapists recommend techniques like deep breathing, taking a walk, journaling, or meditation to help regulate your emotions. Simply sitting and stewing about the argument won’t help you return to the conversation in a better state of mind.

When possible, you and the other person should agree on specific time-out rules beforehand. Decide together what words you’ll use to call a time-out, how long the break will last, and most importantly, when you’ll check back in to address the issue. Some people get anxious about unresolved conflicts, and this check-in commitment provides reassurance that the conversation will continue once everyone has calmed down.

Tip #2: Maintain Composure

Fisher says that during arguments, you should focus on connecting with the other person instead of trying to prove a point. He explains that trying to prove a point often damages relationships, creates resentment, and rarely changes anyone’s mind.

Therefore, when someone disagrees with you, let go of the need to be right. Instead, try to view arguments as an opportunity to better understand the other person’s worldview. People who seem angry or unreasonable are often dealing with problems or emotions you don’t know about. For example, a coworker who snaps at you about a minor mistake might be worrying about losing their job. When you can look past someone’s difficult behavior and understand their deeper concerns, you can respond with empathy instead of anger, allowing you to defuse tensions and build stronger relationships.

The Morality of Connection

In addition to Fisher’s perspective, there are other good reasons to connect with people you’re in conflict with. In How to Know a Person, David Brooks argues that making an effort to understand another person is both a moral responsibility and a prerequisite for building a healthier society. He explains that how you treat people in everyday moments reveals your true character. When you take time to understand what someone is going through—not just what they’re thinking but why they’re struggling—you shape who you are as a person.

To better understand the person’s worldview, consider how their culture and personal history shape their perspective. Brooks suggests asking people directly how their background has influenced them, since everyone has a unique relationship with where they come from. When you make the effort to see past someone’s surface behavior, you develop the empathy needed to respond with compassion rather than judgment. This kind of understanding helps repair the divisions that create loneliness, distrust, and hostility in our communities.

Before the Argument Escalates

Fisher suggests three tips for composing yourself in the moments right before an argument escalates:

1. Breathe before you speak. When you sense tension building, take a slow breath through your nose. Before you exhale, take an extra sip of air and then breathe out for twice as long. This calms your body’s stress response and gives you time to think instead of reacting instinctively.

(Shortform note: In The Oxygen Advantage, Patrick McKeown explains that breathing slowly through your nose fully flexes your diaphragm, which activates your parasympathetic nervous system— a network of nerves that causes you to relax in safe environments and takes you out of fight-or-flight mode. In contrast, when you breathe through your mouth, you breathe with your chest rather than your diaphragm, so you don’t experience the same benefits.)

2. Check in with your body. Briefly close your eyes and search for areas of tension in your body. Then, name what you’re feeling and tell the other person—for example, you might say, “I can tell I’m feeling a little impatient.” When you share your feelings openly, it reduces tension and helps others understand where you're coming from.

(Shortform note: Naming your emotions is known as affect labeling. According to psychologists, naming your emotions helps regulate them by reducing activity in the amygdala (your brain’s alarm system) while increasing activity in the prefrontal cortex (the brain region responsible for cognitive control). Studies show the power of this method: People with spider phobias who labeled their fear were able to move closer to tarantulas than those who tried other coping strategies, and students who wrote about test anxiety before exams performed better than those who didn’t.)

3. Create a mantra. Choose a short phrase that reminds you how to act during conflict—ideally, something that matches your goal for the conversation. For example, if your goal is staying calm, your mantra might be “slow and steady” to keep yourself on track.

(Shortform note: Mantras tend to work better if you use positive words, such as saying “I stay calm,” rather than “Don’t get defensive.” That way, your focus is on the word “calm,” and the word “defensive” doesn’t slip into your subconscious.)

During the Argument

Fisher says that during arguments, you can stay calm by inserting strategic pauses into your conversation. He explains that when we argue, we often talk too fast because we feel upset or nervous. This makes us say things we don’t mean or speak in ways that make the argument worse.

(Shortform note: Why do silences make us uncomfortable? Researchers explain that silences trigger anxiety because they threaten our evolutionary need to belong to a group. When conversations flow smoothly, we feel more connected to others. But when silence disrupts this flow, our brains immediately sense something’s wrong and flood us with negative emotions like rejection and exclusion. Therefore, we rush to fill silences with words to restore the sense of connection and belonging that keeps us feeling safe and accepted.)

Fisher writes that when you take pauses, you give yourself time to reflect on your response, notice what’s happening, and regulate your emotions. Pauses also demonstrate authority and composure. There are two types of pauses you can use:

• Short pauses (one to four seconds): Use these brief pauses to emphasize your points and sound more confident and thoughtful.
• Long pauses (five to 10 seconds): Use these longer silences when someone says something rude or inappropriate. It often makes the other person reflect on their own words and realize what they said was wrong.

(Shortform note: Despite Fisher’s assertion that pauses can help you appear more thoughtful, they might also make you seem less trustworthy when you’re asked a question. According to studies, when people take longer to respond, others tend to view their answers as less sincere. This skepticism toward delayed responses comes from our natural assumptions about thinking time. People often believe that slower responses indicate someone is either making up a story or trying to suppress the truth.)

Tip #3: Manage Negative Responses From Others

Even when you approach conversations with composure, the other person might not respond well. They might use insults, give poor apologies, interrupt you, or act defensively. Fisher provides strategies for handling each of these challenges.

Verbal Attacks

Fisher explains that people who insult you, put you down, or act rudely are trying to upset you. When you get angry or hurt, they feel powerful. The best response is to stay calm and not give them the satisfaction they seek from your response. Instead of reacting emotionally, consider three approaches:

1. As previously mentioned, use a long pause to let their words echo back. Staying silent takes away the reaction the other person wants to get out of you and makes them rethink what they said.

2. Repeat what they said or ask them to repeat what they said. When people have to repeat an insult, they often feel uncomfortable with their own words.

3. Ask a question about their intent or desired outcome. For example, you might ask if they meant to make you feel bad with what they said or if they intended to sound harsh. These questions force them to think about their behavior and often lead to an apology or clarification.

How Insults Can Be a Sign of Friendship

Have you ever wondered why a stranger’s insult can ruin your day, while you can laugh off much worse teasing from your friends? According to researchers, seemingly minor insults between strangers can escalate dramatically because humans are highly sensitive to social status threats, especially from outsiders. When a stranger insults you, they’re essentially testing whether they can dominate you socially, which explains why maintaining composure (as Fisher suggests) is so crucial.

The dynamics change completely with friends, however. Friends often trade harsh insults playfully without damaging their relationship. This works because true friendship creates a foundation of trust where both people know the insults aren’t real threats. The ability to tolerate friendly teasing actually serves as a way to measure friendship strength—the more that people can joke with each other without causing offense, the stronger their friendship likely is.

Poor Apologies

Fisher writes that people often give insincere apologies to avoid taking responsibility. They might say things like, “Sorry if you’re upset,” or make excuses for their behavior. When someone gives a poor apology, redirect the focus back to what they did wrong and get them to take responsibility. Point out that you need an apology for their actions, not an apology for your reaction to them or for the reason they acted that way.

(Shortform note: Research supports why vague “sorry if you’re upset” statements fall flat—they deliberately skip the most vital component of a genuine apology: accepting responsibility for one’s actions. The other components of effective apologies are: showing regret, offering an explanation, acknowledging responsibility, showing remorse, sharing a plan to fix the issue, and requesting forgiveness.)

Fisher adds that sometimes people use self-deprecation as another way to avoid responsibility. If they say things like “I’m such a terrible person” to make you comfort them instead of dealing with what they did, simply tell them you’re willing to accept an apology.

(Shortform note: Psychologists point out that self-deprecation isn’t always used as a manipulation tactic. Instead, we more commonly self-deprecate as a defense mechanism against failure or embarrassment. By pointing out our flaws first, we try to control how others see us and lower their expectations. Experts advise responding to self-deprecation with support or reassurance. However, people can take advantage of this caring response, as Fisher notes, so consider whether someone is using self-deprecation to avoid apologizing before offering support.)

Interruptions

Fisher writes that constant interruptions prevent real communication and signal disrespect. People interrupt for various reasons: They might want to take control of the conversation, or they might simply be reacting emotionally. Whatever the reason, if someone keeps interrupting you, consider responding with these three steps:

1. Let the first interruption slide. This shows maturity and gives the other person a chance to express their impulsive thoughts. After they finish, return to exactly where you left off without addressing their comment.

2. If they interrupt again, use their name. Saying someone’s name catches their attention.

3. If they keep interrupting, set a clear boundary with “I” statements. For example, you might say, “I would like to finish my thought before responding to yours.” This lets you maintain respect while establishing that you expect to complete your thoughts. Most people will stop interrupting once you make this boundary clear.

When Interrupting Isn't Actually Interrupting

While Fisher presents interruptions as disruptions, some interruptions might actually enhance conversation rather than harm it. In some cultures and communities, talking at the same time is a way to show enthusiasm and support for what someone is saying. Linguists call this cooperative overlapping—when people chime in with encouraging comments or related thoughts while someone else is speaking.

However, conversation styles can clash dramatically between different groups. While New Yorkers might keep talking energetically when interrupted, Californians and Londoners may feel shut down in the same situation. This difference comes from how people learn to converse while growing up—some cultures and regions teach that jumping in shows engagement, while others teach that waiting for pauses shows respect.

Defensiveness

Fisher writes that we become defensive when we feel someone is criticizing or attacking us, which prevents us from connecting. When we get defensive, we stop listening and focus on protecting ourselves instead of trying to understand the other person. For example, if someone says, “You never help out with chores,” we might snap back with, “That’s not true! I took out the trash yesterday!” instead of hearing their frustration.

To overcome defensiveness in yourself: Take a deep breath and ask yourself if you really need to defend yourself. Fisher explains that you don’t have to respond to every challenging comment thrown your way. Sometimes, staying quiet helps the conversation move forward better than arguing back.

(Shortform note: In Verbal Judo, George Thompson recommends adopting an attitude of disinterest as a way to handle personal attacks. When someone hurls insults or criticism your way, treat their words like a physical attack in judo and dodge them. Thompson urges you to recognize that hurtful comments usually come from someone’s frustration, anger, or fear rather than their true feelings about you. This allows you to remain disinterested, which prevents the conversation from spiraling into a cycle of hurtful comments that could do permanent damage to your relationship.)

To prevent defensiveness in others: Show that you understand the other person’s point before sharing your own thoughts. This way, you demonstrate respect for the other person’s position, even if you disagree with it. Fisher also recommends starting sentences with “I” instead of “you,” and not starting questions with “why.” Questions that start with “why” often make people feel like you’re questioning their judgment or blaming them for doing something wrong. This triggers their need to defend themselves.

(Shortform note: When using “I” statements, be careful you don’t include a hidden “you” message. Many people accidentally slip blame or labels into their “I” messages, such as saying, “I feel frustrated when you’re lazy.” The word “lazy” carries judgment and criticism, which defeats the purpose of using an “I” statement. Instead, focus on describing specific behaviors without labels, like “I feel frustrated when trash piles up in the house.”)

Tip #4: Have Follow-Up Talks

Fisher writes that difficult conversations rarely end with one discussion. When you have a hard conversation with someone, the first talk often stirs up strong emotions. People may say things they don’t mean or struggle to express their true feelings—this is normal.

Instead of trying to resolve everything at once, you should plan for follow-up conversations. Follow-up conversations help in several ways: First, they happen after emotions have cooled down, so people can think more clearly. Second, they give everyone time to reflect on what was said. Lastly, they create space for people to correct misunderstandings or apologize for harsh words.

Fisher points out that relationships grow through many conversations over time, not through one perfect discussion. By accepting that difficult topics need multiple talks for people to resolve, we take the pressure off ourselves and create more chances for understanding.

Perpetual Problems and the Need for Multiple Conversations

According to relationship researchers, ongoing dialogue is crucial because about 69% of relationship problems are perpetual—meaning they stem from fundamental personality or lifestyle differences that can’t be completely resolved. These ongoing relationship issues are different from “solvable” problems (like who does the dishes). When you face a perpetual problem with someone, the goal isn’t to fix it once and for all, but rather to learn how to talk about it productively over time.

Experts emphasize that successful relationships aren’t defined by an absence of problems, but by the ability to discuss these perpetual problems with acceptance, humor, and affection. If you can’t establish this kind of healthy dialogue, the issue can become “gridlocked,” where conversations become painful and unproductive. By accepting that some topics need ongoing discussion, you create space for the kind of dialogue that strengthens relationships over time.