PDF Summary:The Master Guides: Maintaining a Happy Relationship, by Shortform

What’s the secret to a happy long-term relationship? If you’re regularly fighting with your partner or just feeling a little bored, staying happy may seem easier said than done. But maintaining a happy romantic relationship isn’t as difficult as it can seem—as long as you’re armed with the right knowledge.

In this Master Guide, we’ll draw from the work of 11 relationship experts—including renowned relationship researchers John and Julie Schwartz Gottman and noted couples therapist Esther Perel—to lay out the secrets to maintaining a happy romantic relationship. We’ll discuss the importance of understanding your needs and your partner’s and share the experts’ tips for sustaining both emotional and physical intimacy. We’ll also explain why conflict can ruin your relationship—and describe how to handle conflict effectively so that it doesn’t.

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Let Each Other Evolve

In Eight Dates, Gottman, his wife—fellow relationship researcher Julie Schwartz Gottman—and married couple Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams also highlight the importance of connecting regularly with your partner. The authors explain that relationships last when both people support the evolution and growth of their partner, as individuals and as a couple. So to support each other’s growth, you and your partner need to set aside time to continue learning about each other through intentional conversation and open-ended questions.

But rather than recommend that you reconnect each evening, the authors advocate for the power of a weekly date night. They define a date as a designated time that you get together with your partner to connect, talk, and learn more about one another (watching Netflix on the couch together doesn’t count). Moreover, they outline several specific topics you should discuss on these dates to lay a positive foundation for your relationship—such as what you like to do for fun and how you view your finances.

Let the Relationship Evolve

While the authors of Eight Dates highlight the importance of letting each other evolve, How to Not Die Alone author Logan Ury emphasizes the importance of building a relationship that can grow with you. She explains that most people recognize that they’ve changed a lot in the past, but they don’t expect to change a lot in the future. But in reality, you (and your partner) will probably change just as much in the future as you did in the past. Therefore, it’s critical to ensure that your relationship evolves, too.

To ensure that your relationship adapts to your changing needs as the years go by, Ury recommends that you write a relationship agreement, or a “contract.” In this agreement, articulate your relationship values and how you’ll express them. Revisit this agreement regularly at intervals that work for you—whether that’s yearly or biannually—to review and update it as needed. By doing so, you’ll deal with potential issues early instead of letting them fester and damage your relationship long term.

Maintain Physical Intimacy

In addition to maintaining emotional intimacy over time, maintaining physical intimacy is a key aspect of maintaining a happy relationship. To do so, relationship experts recommend that you communicate about sex. However, their recommendations for how to communicate about sex differ.

Talk About Sex

The authors of Eight Dates argue that a healthy sex life depends on honest conversation. Sex and intimacy are particularly sensitive topics for most people, which is why a lot of couples don’t talk regularly about their sex life or sexual desires. However, research suggests that couples that talk regularly about sex have better sex more often.

The authors offer a few tips for talking about sex with your partner. First, make sure you’re not doing it right before, during, or after sex. Since it’s a delicate topic, bringing it up in the moment is a recipe for disaster. Second, don’t underestimate the power of humor. Sex doesn’t have to be serious, so don’t be afraid to bring some lightness to the conversation.

Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:

• What do you like?
• When and how do you like to initiate sex?
• What can I do to improve our sex life?

Try Non-Verbal Communication

In Mating in Captivity, couples therapist Esther Perel suggests that talking about sex isn’t always the right choice. Perel explains that in modern times, talking has become the default language for intimacy. This is due to the female influence on modern relationships. As women became more economically independent, they wanted more from their relationships than being financially provided for—they wanted emotional connection too. And because women are socialized to be good at verbal communication, they build (and expect men to build) intimacy by talking.

Men, however, have been socialized to take a more physical approach when expressing themselves. They’re often more comfortable developing intimacy through non-verbal communication, for example, through touch or sex.

So if you communicate verbally and your partner communicates non-verbally, or vice versa, first acknowledge that there’s more than one way to create intimacy. Then, try learning to speak each other’s languages in a non-sexual context to begin with. For example, you can practice non-sexual, non-verbal communication by playing games like leading each other around the room, doing trust falls, and mirroring each other’s movements.

Handle Conflict Effectively

No matter how well you maintain emotional and physical intimacy, you—like every couple—will inevitably face conflict. But you can still have a happy relationship despite these conflicts, as long as you learn to manage them effectively. Specifically, relationship experts recommend that you learn to recognize damaging patterns so that you can avoid them and learn to fight in a healthy manner.

Recognize Damaging Patterns

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman and Silver explain that conflicts can destroy relationships if they induce regular flooding—a psychological phenomenon in which one partner feels so emotionally stressed that they’re unable to respond rationally to their spouse. The authors name four damaging patterns of behavior—the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”—that you should watch out for because they may heighten the risk of flooding, which leads spouses to emotionally detach from one another.

1. Criticism. One person expresses dissatisfaction with their partner generally instead of expressing dissatisfaction about a specific issue. For example, they say, “You’re a slob,” instead of “You didn’t clean the kitchen when you said you would.”

2. Contempt. One person expresses dissatisfaction in a way that belittles their partner and signifies a lack of respect. For example, they might say, “I can’t believe you forgot to clean the kitchen. Are you stupid?”

3. Defensiveness. One person, who feels attacked by their partner, tries to protect themselves. But this strategy backfires because it shifts responsibility onto the other person. For example, the spouse who didn’t clean the kitchen might say, “I may have forgotten to clean the kitchen, but I cleaned the bathroom, which you never do.”

4. Stonewalling. One person feels overwhelmed and stops responding. (This person is likely feeling flooded.)

How Anxious-Avoidant Pairs Struggle

In Attached, Levine and Heller describe another damaging pattern of behavior that couples may fall into. A couple may get stuck in a cycle of conflict because their intimacy needs clash. If one partner is avoidant (generally uncomfortable with intimacy) and the other is anxious (highly desirous of intimacy), the anxious attacher always wants to be closer. The avoidant attacher will occasionally accept increased intimacy but soon grow uncomfortable and withdraw. The anxious attacher responds to this withdrawal by trying to reconnect—which repels the avoidant partner even more.

Levine and Heller note that while these partners may love each other, their interactions tend to worsen over time because the couple's different needs expand into every corner of life. For example, if Avoidant Annie is reluctant to marry because she wants to maintain her independence, that desire probably won’t disappear after the wedding—and may later manifest in a fight about whether to vacation together or separately. Every aspect of their shared life becomes a point of contention, and each partner’s happiness in the relationship deteriorates.

Fight Healthily

Now that you’re aware of the types of damaging conflict-related behavioral patterns you may fall into, how can you fight more effectively?

Reduce Flooding

As we’ve seen, Gottman and Silver warn against the four horsemen because they heighten the risk of flooding. However, there are things you can do during your argument to stop yourself and your partner from engaging in the four horsemen—and to mitigate their impact if one of you does.

First, the authors suggest that you adjust the beginning. If you begin the conversation negatively, you’re more likely to induce a negative response (such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling) from your partner—which increases the likelihood of flooding. Instead, begin the conversation calmly. First, describe your emotions about the issue. Avoid making accusatory statements that begin with “you,” generalizing the issue, or passing immediate judgment. Second, express your desires (not what you don’t desire) to your partner.

For example, if you’re upset because your partner is on their phone during dinner, don’t say, “I can’t believe you’re on your phone! You never make time for me.” Instead, say, “I’m really upset that you’re on your phone during dinner. I’d like to spend time with you when we’re both focused solely on each other.”

Second, calm down. Gottman and Silver note that if you’re feeling flooded—which you may feel if you or your partner engages in one of the four horsemen—you likely won’t be able to have a productive discussion. So pay attention to your emotional and physical state: If you feel as though you're about to blow up on your partner or your heart rate rises dramatically, you’re likely flooded. If so, take a 20-minute break to calm yourself. Do something that prevents you from ruminating on your argument; Gottman and Silver suggest physical exercise or meditation.

Once you’ve calmed yourself, try calming your partner. Gottman and Silver explain that if you regularly calm your partner, your partner will connect your presence with a reduction in stress rather than an increase in stress, which will naturally improve your relationship. This does not mean telling your partner to “calm down” mid-argument; this will only anger them further because they’ll feel as though you’re not taking them seriously. Instead, pick a time when you’re not fighting to brainstorm ways to relax each other. Then, after your 20-minute break, do the thing you’ve discussed; giving each other massages is a popular relaxation technique.

Fight Like a Secure Attacher

In Attached, Levine and Heller suggest another strategy for fighting more effectively in relationships: Learn to fight like a secure attacher, who generally has a healthy and comfortable relationship with intimacy.

Levine and Heller explain that learning to fight like a secure attacher helps all couples because it teaches you how to clearly and effectively communicate your needs. However, it’s especially helpful for anxious-avoidant pairs. This is because even if you’re an insecure attacher, you can gradually develop a more secure attachment style by repeatedly behaving like a secure person—and the more secure your attachment style, the less likely you are to fall into the damaging anxious-avoidant pattern we described earlier.

So how can you behave like a secure person during a fight? Levine and Heller name four strategies you can adopt to handle conflicts in a way that will bring you closer.

1. Show genuine concern for the other person’s feelings. Remember that a disagreement between partners isn't a zero-sum game where one person wins and the other loses. Your happiness and your partner’s happiness are tied up together, so when both partners feel validated, both partners win.

2. Keep the argument centered on the present issue. Don’t get sidetracked or expand the argument to include other issues. Avoid a full-blown venting session, and just address one conflict at a time.

3. Be willing to take part in the discussion. Don’t disengage or withdraw. Both partners need to be willing to address the issue head-on so that it can be resolved in a mutually satisfactory way, even if it means some arguing along the way.

4. Openly communicate your needs and feelings. No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, you can’t expect them to be a mind reader. Tell them what you need and want clearly and directly.

Talk About How You Manage Conflict

Improving your ability to manage conflicts doesn’t just involve changing how you behave during the fight. In Eight Dates, the authors recommend that you have a date night dedicated to understanding how your partner manages disagreements and how you can manage disagreements more effectively as a couple. They explain that to resolve disagreements effectively, you must approach each one as an opportunity to increase your understanding of the other person—not as an opportunity to win.

Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:

• What did you learn about conflict or managing conflict growing up? How have you navigated conflict in the past?
• What are your beliefs about anger? What do you need when you're feeling angry?
• How would you like to manage conflict differently in the future?