PDF Summary:The How of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky

Happiness is more than just a positive state of mind—it’s a state of being that enhances your health, strengthens your relationships, and fuels both your creativity and productivity. However, though many people are aware of these benefits and try to feel happier, their efforts often fail to create consistent, long-term happiness.

In The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky—psychology professor and recipient of the Templeton Positive Psychology Prize—addresses this challenge. Drawing from her extensive research as well as insights from leading scientists in the positive psychology field, she unpacks the factors that fuel happiness and provides practical strategies to nurture and sustain it.

In this guide, we’ll explore Lyubomirsky's thoughts on what contributes to long-term happiness and how you can amplify it in your life. Additionally, we’ll supplement her ideas with psychological research and actionable methods from other self-improvement authors and practitioners.

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Additionally, Lyubomirsky clarifies that freeing your mind from ruminative thoughts and comparisons with others clears mental space and lowers stress levels, making it easier for you to come up with ideas and solutions that help you live a more productive and fulfilling life.

How to Abstain From Overthinking and Social Comparison

Lyubomirsky offers five methods for releasing yourself from the tendency to ruminate or compare yourself to others. Let’s explore practical ways to apply them.

1) Designate specific times to challenge and reframe worries: Once you’ve scheduled a time to worry, psychologists suggest sticking to a time limit by setting a timer. As long as the timer’s running, feel free to worry to your heart’s content. But, as soon as the timer goes off, redirect your focus to something more productive.

2) Journal to clarify and release troubling thoughts: Often called reflective journaling, this practice encourages regular introspection, helping you understand and crystallize your thoughts and feelings. This understanding paves the way for choices that enhance your well-being and happiness. Effective reflection requires three steps: 1) Describe your thoughts, decisions, or experiences and the emotions they evoke. 2) Analyze these reflections, drawing connections or making comparisons (for example, “This reminds me of that time when…”). 3) Decide how to apply your insights to upcoming situations.

3) Manage triggers that induce overthinking or comparisons: Emotional freedom technique (EFT) practitioners recommend “tapping” as a way to manage your response to triggers. This process involves accepting that you feel negative emotions, understanding why certain people or situations trigger you, releasing your negative thoughts and emotions about these triggers, and replacing your unwanted thoughts and emotions with calm or positive ones.

4) Practice meditation: There are numerous ways to practice meditation, including the following three methods: 1) Candle meditation: Light a candle, sit comfortably, and focus on the candle flame. 2) Mantra meditation: Focus your attention on a word or phrase such as “om” or “calm.” 3) Progressive muscle relaxation: Lie down and slowly begin tensing parts of your body. After tensing for up to 10 seconds, relax the tension. Then move on to another part of your body.

5) Seek therapy: While therapy can be expensive, there are organizations that can help—for example, by putting you in touch with affordable therapists or by helping you determine if you’re qualified for state-funded therapy.

Area #2: Relationships

According to Lyubomirsky, relationships play an important role in your happiness—strong relationships provide you with happy moments to share and a support system for when things get tough. She suggests three relationship-strengthening strategies:

1. Be kind: Allocate specific times in your week for altruistic acts or deepening your compassion through understanding and empathizing with others.
2. Nurture your relationships: Set aside quality time with loved ones, express affection openly, manage conflicts constructively, and show genuine interest in others.
3. Forgive and move forward: Reflect on personal growth from past hurts, understand the perspectives of those who’ve wronged you, and engage in rituals that symbolize letting go.

Lyubomirsky says that these three strategies enhance long-term happiness by helping you cultivate deep, authentic bonds, make space for positive emotions in your life, and resist hedonic adaptation. Let’s explore each of these benefits in detail.

Benefit 1) Cultivate Deep, Authentic Bonds

Lyubomirsky explains that practicing compassion and kindness builds trust—which encourages you and your friends to be authentic, compassionate, and generous with one another.

(Shortform note: How does practicing compassion and kindness encourage others to reciprocate? Jonathan Haidt (The Happiness Hypothesis) clarifies that our compulsion to repay others stems from an evolutionary benefit: Reciprocation encourages cooperation and increases our collective chance of survival. However, many people feel uncomfortable being on the receiving side, precisely because of this strong compulsion to reciprocate. They may even feel mistrust, perceiving your kindness as an attempt to control or manipulate them. Therefore, conveying your goodwill more subtly or genuinely may help others feel comfortable rather than suspicious of you.)

Additionally, Lyubomirsky argues that nurturing diverse friendships, romantic partnerships, and family ties deepens your sense of belonging and bolsters your network of support and emotional comfort. (Shortform note: While healthy, meaningful connections can improve your mental health, unhealthy relationships can have the opposite effect, making you feel unsafe and unloved. Before sinking time into nurturing a relationship, consider whether doing so will make you feel safe and have a positive effect on your life. Ask yourself whether the relationship makes you feel a sense of mutual respect, trust, honesty, and compassion—key elements of a healthy relationship.)

Finally, Lyubomirsky says that forgiving others, whether it involves reconciliation or not, fosters empathy and understanding, paving the way for genuine bonds. (Shortform note: Carnegie (How To Stop Worrying and Start Living) adds insight into how Lyubomirsky’s two forgiveness methods can improve both your happiness and your relationships. First, reflecting on personal growth from past hurts encourages you to see the good in the situation and find something to be grateful for. Second, understanding the perspective of those who’ve wronged you helps you empathize with them. These feelings of gratitude and empathy make it easier to feel compassion for those you’ve been resenting, rather than self-pity for yourself.)

Benefit 2) Make Space for More Positive Emotions in Your Life

According to Lyubomirsky, letting go of past hurts creates space for positive emotions by alleviating negative emotions such as resentment, anger, depression, and anxiety. (Shortform note: Lyubomirsky suggests that performing rituals that symbolize letting go makes forgiveness easier. This might be because physically engaging in a ritual makes the intangible process of emotional catharsis more palpable and real, thereby aiding the release of negative emotions. Such rituals can take numerous forms—you might write your grievances on paper that you then tear up or burn, or take a bath and visualize your hurt dissolving in the water before draining it all away.)

Further, Lyubomirsky explains that engaging in acts of kindness diverts your attention from personal troubles, allowing you to focus on gratitude for your good fortune.

(Shortform note: Many studies suggest that practicing kindness does make you happier. When you give (knowledge, assistance, time, or money) with the intention of helping others, you activate the same parts of your brain that are stimulated by pleasurable activities such as eating good food or having great sex. However, Carnegie (How to Stop Worrying and Start Living), warns that practicing kindness with the intention to receive appreciation creates disappointment if you don’t receive it—thus, making you unhappy. Therefore, release expectations of gratitude or appreciation to fully benefit from your good deeds.)

Benefit 3) Resist Hedonic Adaptation

Engaging in meaningful relationships can reaffirm your value and boost your self-esteem. Lyubomirsky argues that these benefits provide resistance against hedonic adaptation and ensure a more stable source of happiness—when you feel sure of yourself, you’re less inclined to take part in the social comparison that drives you to quickly lose satisfaction with what you have.

(Shortform note: Not only can improving your self-esteem help maintain your current level of happiness, but it can also help you avoid unhappy events in the future. Hedonic adaptation driven by social comparison—or a need to “keep up with the Joneses”—can compel you to chase happiness by continually accumulating nicer things and experiences. However, in the long run, this can set you up for stress: Ongoing, increasing spending can land you in debt or leave you without a safety net in an emergency. A strong sense of self-esteem can keep you from tying your value to accumulation, makes it easier to be happy with what you have, and can save you future stress.)

Practical Advice for Nurturing Your Relationships

Relationship experts offer insights and practical ways to apply Lyubomirsky’s three relationship-strengthening methods.

1) Set aside quality time: In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman explains that there are two kinds of quality time with another person—a meaningful conversation about what’s going on in your lives and time spent focusing on the same activity. You may not be interested in the same activities as your loved ones, but engaging in those activities with them anyway shows that you care more about spending time with them than your own enjoyment.

2) Express affection: According to Chapman (The 5 Love Languages), people understand and express affection in different ways—and they need to receive affection in their own “love language” to truly feel it. Therefore, learning and using your recipient's love language will make your expressions of affection more impactful and heartfelt. He identifies five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

3) Manage conflicts constructively: Experts suggest that you’re more likely to resolve conflicts if you analyze them. To perform this analysis, ask yourself what started the conflict, who you’re mad at, what goal you want to achieve that you’re not currently achieving, whether you’re overreacting, and what solutions there are for resolving this conflict.

4) Show genuine interest in others: Research clarifies how this strengthens relationships and makes you happy: At heart, we’re all narcissists and we want attention. Therefore, when someone pays us attention, we can’t help but revel in it. The easiest way to develop an interest in others is to actively look for people with whom you can effortlessly relate. Consider your innate interests and where you can find people with similar interests—and go there to strike up friendships.

Area #3: Purpose

Lyubomirsky suggests that having a sense of purpose is key to feeling happy because it gives your life direction, creating opportunities for satisfaction and fulfillment. She suggests three strategies for honing your purpose:

1. Pursue meaningful goals: Create clear action plans, regularly review and adjust your objectives, and seek mentorship for guidance and support.
2. Engage deeply: Focus your attention during tasks, transform mundane activities into stimulating challenges, and strive for moments of complete immersion in whatever you’re doing.
3. Embrace spirituality: Consider joining a religious community or dedicating daily time to prayer.

According to Lyubomirsky, these three strategies enhance long-term happiness by helping you to experience genuine satisfaction, overcome challenges, and feel connected. Let’s examine each of these benefits.

Benefit 1) Experience Genuine Satisfaction

Lyubomirsky explains that pursuing goals you care about provides direction, structure, and a sense of purpose to your daily activities. Additionally, achieving each milestone elevates your confidence and self-esteem, transforming each success into a source of joy and motivation.

(Shortform note: Some experts add that you can either be intrinsically or extrinsically motivated to achieve a goal—and only intrinsically motivated success provides the benefits that Lyubomirsky describes. Intrinsic motivation comes from within: You accept your needs and feel comfortable expressing them by engaging in activities that make you happy. For example, you pursue goals you enjoy and aren’t worried about how others judge you. Extrinsic motivation comes from your environment: You ignore your needs in favor of seeking acceptance from others by engaging in activities that encourage external rewards. For example, you pursue goals you don’t enjoy because they garner admiration and positive feedback.)

Lyubomirsky adds that engaging deeply in tasks makes how you spend your time feel more meaningful—by helping you derive joy from the process, not just the result.

How to Practice Deep Engagement

Let’s look at practical advice for implementing Lyubomirsky’s three methods for deepening engagement.

1) Focus attention during tasks: James Clear (Atomic Habits) suggests that you can trick yourself into staying focused by removing all visual reminders of distractions and adding visual reminders of what you intend to accomplish.

2) Transform mundane activities into stimulating challenges: You can make tasks feel more stimulating by changing your environment, adding time constraints, or engaging your other senses—for example, by playing music or lighting scented candles.

3) Strive for moments of complete immersion in whatever you’re doing: The more you practice being fully engaged, the easier you’ll find it to attain this state of mind regardless of what activity you’re engaged in. This is because being fully engaged employs six of the most addictive reward neurochemicals at once—making it an addictive mental state. According to Steven Kotler (The Art of Impossible), you can kickstart this pleasurable addiction by spending two to six hours each week pursuing recreational activities that fully engage you.

Benefit 2) Overcome Challenges

According to Lyubomirsky, striving to achieve goals motivates you to constantly learn, adapt, and embrace new challenges that sharpen both your personal and professional skills—for example, fostering self-awareness and mastering time management. The more you develop, the easier you find it to achieve your goals and the more empowered you feel to navigate obstacles on your journey.

How Goal-Setting Empowers You to Overcome Challenges

Lyubomirsky suggests three methods for setting and achieving goals. Let’s explore insights into how these methods can empower you to overcome challenges as well as practical advice for implementing them.

1) Create clear action plans: Brendon Burchard (High Performance Habits) explains that this process helps you prioritize your time and focuses your attention on what you need to do to make progress. He suggests a three-step process for creating an effective action plan: Write down five major steps you need to take to achieve your goal. These are big steps that require many smaller tasks to achieve. Then, under each of your five major steps, write down a list of tasks you need to complete to accomplish that step. Finally, create deadlines for each of these tasks and factor them into your daily schedule.

2) Regularly review and adjust objectives: Oliver Burkeman (The Antidote) says that setting adaptable goals and regularly reevaluating them ensures that they align with your evolving needs, circumstances, and aspirations. One way to set and review adaptable goals is to adopt a monitoring system like Burchard's method in High Performance Habits: Every week, chart your work-life balance by ranking your satisfaction levels in 10 areas, like work and family, then set your goals for the coming week in each area.

3) Seeking mentorship for guidance and support: Many experts agree that mentorship provides numerous benefits—mentors provide advice and encouragement, guide your improvement, share knowledge, and expand your network. To find a mentor, try looking on social media (like LinkedIn), in professional networks, in school clubs, or your HR department.

Benefit 3) Feel Connected

Lyubomirsky argues that engaging in goal-oriented tasks often involves interacting with others, providing opportunities to collaborate and work toward a shared purpose. (Shortform note: Kotler (The Art of Impossible) offers additional insights into how including other people in your goals enhances satisfaction and happiness: It garners positive feedback and social support. This positive attention triggers the release of pleasurable reward neurochemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. This neurochemical release creates feelings of pleasure that make your goals feel more meaningful and boosts your motivation to continue working toward them.)

Additionally, Lyubomirsky suggests that engaging in spiritual or religious activities not only connects you to like-minded individuals and supportive communities, but also strengthens your feelings of inner tranquility and connection to a higher power.

(Shortform note: Studies confirm that spiritual activities like prayer calm your nervous system and make you less reactive to negative emotions. As Lyubomirsky says, these activities foster a sense of connection (with a higher power, the environment, and other people) that emotionally supports you. If the idea of praying to a higher power makes you feel uncomfortable, researchers suggest that you can mimic the effects of inner tranquility and connection by imagining yourself having a heart-to-heart conversation with someone you trust.)

Part 3: Personalize Your Path to Happiness

We’ve just covered a variety of strategies for cultivating positive thoughts and behaviors to enhance long-term happiness. While using these strategies might sound straightforward, Lyubomirsky highlights a common pitfall: Many people mistakenly believe that all positive thoughts and behaviors yield the same happy outcomes.

In this part of the guide, we’ll explain why personalizing your positive thoughts and behaviors increases your chances of enhancing your long-term happiness. We’ll also describe Lyubomirsky’s advice for how to personalize the happiness-boosting strategies.

Why Personalization Matters

According to Lyubomirsky, for positive thoughts and behaviors to impact happiness, they must resonate with you personally. She explains that happiness is subjective—we all have unique values and temperaments that influence how we respond to experiences. In other words, a strategy that makes one person happy won’t necessarily elicit the same response in another. Therefore, the more happiness-boosting strategies feel personal to you, the more likely they are to work.

(Shortform note: Knowing your temperament—your inherent way of interacting with your environment—may help guide you toward the most resonant and effective happiness-boosting strategies. Scientists classify temperaments into four types: sanguine (sociable and creative), melancholic (detail-oriented and purpose-driven), choleric (goal-focused and ambitious), and phlegmatic (people-oriented and relaxed).)

Additionally, you’re more likely to regularly practice strategies that resonate with you—which Lyubomirsky says is key to enhancing long-term happiness. Think of happiness as a muscle: Just as sporadic exercise won't significantly strengthen your muscles, occasional engagement in happiness-boosting activities won’t impact your long-term happiness. On the other hand, much like regular workouts compound over time to increase strength and endurance, consistently practicing happiness-boosting strategies leads to upward spirals of happiness. (Shortform note: In Grit, Angela Duckworth echoes this idea, arguing that consistent, deliberate practice is the key to success in any endeavor.)

Lyubomirsky's research reinforces her argument that personalized strategies foster greater commitment and benefits. In one study, researchers assigned participants a random happiness activity to pursue for two months. Participants who pursued activities that aligned with their preferences not only enjoyed the practice more but also continued it post-study and reaped greater happiness than those assigned mismatched activities.

(Shortform note: Studies on the effect of personalized health care strategies on patients support Lyubomirsky's findings. Specifically, they reveal that customizing health care plans to fit individual preferences and lifestyles empowers patients to take control of their health. This sense of empowerment enhances engagement and fosters long-term commitment to health regimens, thereby enhancing the effectiveness of treatment plans.)

How to Personalize Your Happiness-Boosting Strategies

Lyubomirsky suggests that you’re more likely to commit to and benefit from happiness-boosting strategies if you personalize them in four ways:

1) Self-reflect: Lyubomirsky recommends pondering moments that genuinely bring you happiness and using tools that help you understand your strengths and values, like the Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic. For example, if you find joy in helping others and have free time, consider volunteering for a cause you care about.

(Shortform note: The diagnostic tool recommended above requires you to try and reflect on the specific happiness-boosting strategies that Lyubomirsky suggests. If you want to identify types of activities that suit you before trying out the strategies, Bill Burnett and Dave Evans (Designing Your Life) offer a complementary method: Track what activities make you feel joyful, engaged, and energized. Then, zoom in on the details of each activity to identify what specifically made you happy. Pay attention to who you were with, what you were doing, where you were, and what you were interacting with (for example, people, objects, or a machine).)

2) Practice regularly: Lyubomirsky suggests considering times when you’re most receptive to practicing happiness-boosting strategies and introducing them into your routine one at a time to avoid being overwhelmed. For example, if you’re a morning person, begin practicing a single strategy after you wake up, or if you’re a night person, try adding a strategy to your nighttime routine. Wait until you’ve established it as a habit before adding another.

(Shortform note: Duckworth (Grit) specifies that you’ll establish habits easier if, in addition to identifying a time, you identify an environment in which you’re more receptive to practice (tracking your activities as Burnett and Evans suggest will help you achieve this). For example, you might enjoy early morning meditation in your living room before your kids wake up. Once you’ve identified a time and place, commit to practicing in that environment every day at the same time. Duckworth says that this will help you engage in your practice automatically, thereby freeing up the cognitive space required to introduce additional strategies into your routine.)

3) Introduce variety: Lyubomirsky says to ensure your practice doesn’t become monotonous and feel like a chore by varying the activities or rotating between strategies. Additionally, if your circumstances change, make sure your strategies evolve in tandem. For example, if your workload increases leaving you with less free time, integrate shorter, more focused strategies into your day.

(Shortform note: Similarly, Arthur Brooks, host of the "How to Build a Happy Life” podcast, argues that the key to happiness is finding a balance between novelty and routine. He explains that "neophilia"—the tendency to seek out new experiences—stimulates interest and curiosity, which promote overall well-being. However, neophilia can also lead to restless or impulsive behavior. To find a healthy balance, he suggests regularly challenging and experimenting with preferences, choosing curiosity over comfort, avoiding newness for its own sake, and making deliberate decisions rather than acting impulsively.)

4) Monitor your progress: Lyubomirsky recommends using happiness self-evaluation tools like the Subjective Happiness Scale or the Oxford Happiness Questionnaire to measure the impact of different strategies and inform your practice. For example, if you notice improvement after starting a specific strategy, consider dedicating more time to it or exploring similar activities.

(Shortform note: While Lyubomirsky's advice to use self-evaluation tools may help monitor the effect of different strategies, some researchers warn that self-reported happiness can be unreliable. Studies show that people often report higher levels of happiness on self-reported tests than what external observations in a research setting—such as interviews with participants about their happiness—might identify. In other words, people often rate themselves as happier than others perceive them to be. Therefore, supplementing your self-evaluations with the opinions of those around you might provide a more thorough and reliable evaluation of the effectiveness of your happiness strategies.)