PDF Summary:The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris

In The Happiness Trap, therapist and life coach Russ Harris argues that humans are hardwired to relentlessly pursue happiness. But this instinct makes us miserable today, leading to widespread anxiety, stress, and depression. We’re caught in a happiness trap, where the harder we try to be happy, the less happy we become.

Harris contends the answer to happiness and fulfillment is practicing the techniques of ACT, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The techniques—rooted in behavioral psychology and mindfulness—help you escape the happiness trap by accepting painful thoughts and emotions as part of life, while clarifying and living your values.

In this guide, we’ll explain ACT techniques—connection with the “observing self,” defusion, expansion, connection, values clarification, and committed action—and compare them to other therapies and practices. We’ll also provide additional exercises and techniques beyond Harris’s for practicing mindfulness in everyday life.

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Focus on the least comfortable physical sensation. Notice its dimensions: Is it large or small? Uniform or irregular? How deeply do you feel the sensation? If you can, visualize this sensation as a distinct object with its own material and properties.

Step 2: Use deep breathing to explore the sensation.

As you scan the uncomfortable sensation, focus on breathing deeply. Your deep breathing should decrease the tension in your body. As your tension decreases, imagine your deep breath forming an eggshell-like shelter around the discomfort.

Step 3: Make additional room in your body for the sensation.

Imagine that eggshell growing until your body can freely accommodate the discomfort. Rather than feeling that the sensation is trapped in your body, causing disruption and tension, feel that it has room to move and grow, because your breathing can accommodate it.

Step 4: Tolerate the sensation, and give it space to exist.

Accept the emotion, rather than listening to your thinking self, which might be saying that the emotion is a threat (and therefore something you need to eliminate).

The Physiological Effects of Deep Breathing

Meditation exercises like this help release tension in our bodies and process emotions that we can’t simply “reason” our way out of. But just how does it work?

Research has shown that specific emotions have different kinds of breathing associated with them. For instance, an emotion like joy involves deep, slow breathing, while an emotion like anger involves rapid, shallow breath.

The deep breathing we practice in expansion is associated with calmness and joy. Thus, the feeling of release from emotional discomfort may be our body’s physiological response to deep breathing, rather than a mental and emotional response to the imaginative labor of “building an eggshell” around the sensation. Additionally, slow, deep breathing slows your heart rate and stimulates the vagus nerve, which is associated with your body’s recuperative processes, such as sleep and digestion.

Principle #4: Connection

The fourth principle of ACT—connection—is the technique of using your observing self to connect to the external world through your five senses. Often, despite what’s going on around us, we’re focused on the world of the thinking self: our memories, our plans, our judgments. The thinking self focuses on the past and the future.

Harris writes that connection is the practice of using our observing self to shift our attention away from the past and future in order to be fully engaged in the present moment.

Harris lists three reasons to practice connection:

1. We have only one life, and it’s relatively short. If the choice is between living in the moment and living outside of it, most of us would choose the first.
2. In order to shape the kind of life we want, we must act—and the only time we have to act is in the present.
3. Only awareness of the present moment allows us to take effective action—that is, action that aligns with our values.

(Shortform note: In addition to the benefits that Harris lists, research shows that connection—or mindfulness—strengthens relationships, makes stress more manageable, and improves symptoms of anxiety and depression.)

Achieving connection requires the techniques discussed in the previous principles, because when our thinking self obsesses over negative thoughts and feelings, we tend to disconnect from the present. Therefore, in order to achieve connection consistently, we need to practice defusion from our negative thoughts and expansion to accept our unwanted feelings.

Presence as the Means vs. the End

Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now focuses on the idea of connecting to the present moment as the solution to the problems of the ego (what Harris would call the thinking self) and the pain-body (the sum total of negative emotions that you carry). In contrast to Harris’s view that connection is one of many tools to help us live in alignment with our values, Tolle argues that being connected with the present moment can serve as a sole solution for the problem of suffering.

Still, both Tolle’s and Harris agree that:

• The thinking self (or ego) is a huge problem for most people.

• The thinking self is predominantly concerned with the past and the future instead of the present moment.

• Harnessing our observing self (what Tolle calls “the inner body”) connects us to the present moment.

Mindfulness: The “Acceptance” in ACT

The first four principles form the foundation of the concept of “acceptance” in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Taken together, they constitute a foundation that Harris calls mindfulness.

(Shortform note: Mindfulness isn’t unique to ACT. You can find it in many ancient Eastern traditions and religions, such as yoga, Buddhism, and meditation.)

Harris explains that in the context of ACT, mindfulness is a psychological state of openness and awareness attainable through consistent practice of mindfulness skills (such as defusion, expansion, and connection).

But attaining this state is not an end unto itself—instead, ACT advocates practical application, or applying behaviors to develop a valuable and enriching life. In other words, mindfulness is a practical skill (or set of skills) for improving your life in the real world.

(Shortform note: The assertion that acceptance is a means to improving your life addresses the common misconception that accepting a negative situation means “giving up” or condoning harmful behavior. In actuality, accepting the reality of a situation is the first step toward developing healthier ways to respond to or change it.)

Principle #5: Clarifying Values

In this section, we’ll explain how to use mindfulness skills to apply the fifth principle of ACT: clarifying your values. Values are the principles that govern how you want to act. Harris writes that, by clarifying your values, you set yourself up for the final step in the ACT process: committed action, or living in alignment with your values.

Harris explains that values are:

• Continuous—unlike goals, they cannot be completed.
• Action-oriented—they concern how you want to behave, not the end result of that behavior. For instance, “I want to feel happy” is not a value, because happiness is a feeling, not a behavior.
• Focused on you—you can only control your own actions, so values are principles that govern how you want to behave in the world. For instance, “I want to be popular” is not a value, because you can’t control whether people like you.

(Shortform note: It’s important to recognize the difference between values and beliefs, which can also be continuous, action-oriented, and focused on you: Values concern your individual behavior, while beliefs are general statements of conviction that we accept as true. For instance, the statement “lying is bad” is a belief, whereas the statement “I want to be honest” is a value. Often, identifying your strongly held beliefs can help you identify your own values.)

How to Identify Your Values

Harris recommends an exercise derived from the work of psychologists Kelly Wilson and Tobias Lundgren to help you clarify your values in four domains: relationships, education and work, personal development and wellness, and leisure.

You can determine your values in each of these areas by asking yourself questions, including the following:

1. Relationships:

• What kinds of relationships are important to you?
• What kinds of actions do you want to take in your relationships?
• What sort of person do you want to be?

2. Education and work:

• What sort of person do you want to be at school or work?
• What kinds of work- or school-related relationships are important to you?
• What skill or knowledge would you like to learn?

3. Personal development and wellness:

• What kinds of healthy pursuits would you like to start or revisit?
• What changes do you want to make in your life to promote your personal health?

4. Leisure

• What kinds of interests do you want to start or revisit?
• What are some leisure activities that you would like to do more of?

Don’t Just Identify Your Values—Choose Them

In Awaken the Giant Within, Tony Robbins asserts that most people adopt values unconsciously, based on their life experiences and conditioning from family, friends, and society. While many of these values are virtuous, some may conflict with your goals. He argues that being unaware of your values—which guide your behavior—often leads to disappointment and frustration as you pursue your goals.

To take control of your life, Robbins says you must consciously choose your values. He suggests you first take stock of the values you hold and how you prioritize them—for example, you may value success over passion, and that causes you to behave differently than if the opposite were true. Next, reflect on what type of person you want to be and what type of life you want to live. Finally, eliminate values that don’t serve that vision, adopt values that do, and prioritize them to align with your goals.

While Harris’s exercise focuses on identifying—rather than choosing—your values, it may still help to consider Robbins’s point that you could be unconsciously carrying values that need to be identified, reprioritized, or eliminated to allow you to achieve the life you want.

Principle #6: Committed Action

With the final ACT principle, Harris argues that knowing our values isn’t sufficient for us to live fulfilled lives—we also have to take effective action, or action aligned with our values. In order to take effective action, we have to translate our values into achievable goals.

Harris gives five steps for creating goals:

1. Write down the values you want to focus on in one of the domains. For instance, in the relationships domain, you may want to work on the values of being an attentive, kind, and honest friend.
2. Set a goal related to one of these values that you can accomplish today. The easier this goal, the better. Starting small helps ensure that you actually follow through with effective action.
3. Set some goals you can achieve within the next week. Specify what, where, and when.
4. Set some goals you can achieve within the next few weeks or months. Again, specify what, where, and when.
5. Set some goals you can achieve with years’ worth of effort. Be ambitious with your goal-setting. It doesn’t matter how realistic you think these goals are in the present moment—if it occurs to you, write it down.

Set Purpose-Driven Goals

In First Things First, Stephen R. Covey has a slightly different take on how to set meaningful goals. He suggests three strategies:

1. Set recurring goals. Covey says your goals should follow a “mission,” a “vision,” and “principles”—rather than just the values that Harris has you define. Covey recommends recurring goals that you consistently accomplish week after week, such as setting a goal to cook dinner for your spouse every Friday.

2. Set “context” goals. Set mid- to long-term goals that your weekly goals build toward. Consider the “what” (the goal itself), “why” (the reason for the goal; in ACT, the “why” will also be the underlying value), and “how” (the means by which you’ll reach the goal).

For example, if your weekly goal is eating one serving of vegetables with every meal, your longer-term goal may be to switch to a vegetarian diet (“what”) because you want to eat healthier (“why,” or value), and you’ll get there with mid-term goals to replace meat with legumes twice a week (“how”).

3. Make a “perhaps” list that is filled with goals you’re interested in but not fully committing to. This breaks from the relatively rigid goal-setting structure, and it may help you set more ambitious goals.

Make an Action Plan

Now that you’ve set some goals, make an action plan that breaks down each goal into manageable steps so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

An action plan has three parts. Ask:

1. What steps will I need to take to achieve this goal?
2. What materials do I need to achieve this goal?
3. When will I act to achieve my goal?

Once you’ve answered these questions, you have an action plan.

An Alternative Approach to Action Plans

In The Psychology of Selling, Brian Tracy presents another way to turn your goals into actions. Tracy’s method reorders and expands Harris’s steps, but most significantly, Tracy also adds a step: prioritizing the to-dos in your action plan. This is Tracy’s approach:

• Write your goal down. This makes your goal real. If you’ve been following Harris’s exercises, you’ve already done this step.

• Set a deadline. By defining the “when” of your goal first, you set your subconscious mind working on the other steps necessary to achieve your goal. This reverses the order Harris suggests, which specifies the “when” in the final step.

• Make a list of everything you can do to achieve your goal. This is similar to steps 1 and 2 of Harris’s method.

• Organize this list. Prioritize the actions to figure out which steps need to be completed first and which can wait until later.

• Take action.

Fortitude and Commitment

Harris clarifies that while goals and an action plan are components of effective action, they don’t constitute committed action. Committed action is effective action coupled with the additional components of fortitude and commitment.

Fortitude

Harris defines fortitude as accepting that effective action will come with unwanted side effects, such as negative thoughts, feelings, and urges. Fortitude means being fully present in our lives even when we don’t enjoy the thoughts and feelings we’re experiencing.

We all must practice fortitude to engage with society. For instance, when we buy food, spending money is an undesired side effect—but it’s one that we’re willing to accept.

Fortitude is also necessary to live a meaningful life. When we confront an obstacle, we either practice fortitude to deal with it or we don’t. If we don’t practice fortitude, then we close ourselves off to the possibilities of life. If we practice fortitude, we can overcome that obstacle even if it causes us pain.

The 4 C’s of Mental Toughness

The idea of mental fortitude, or toughness, is a loaded term in American culture. You can find hundreds of people trying to sell their own particular brand of mental toughening online—and almost none of these align with what Harris proposes in The Happiness Trap. One of the most common models for mental fortitude is called the 4 C’s of mental toughness:

• Control your emotions and your life circumstances. By contrast, Harris’s model emphasizes we can’t control our emotions—only manage them.

• Commitment means consistently setting and achieving goals. While goal-setting is also part of Harris’s model, ACT emphasizes that these goals must align with your values.

• Challenge means seeking the highest possible challenges for yourself and adapting quickly to adversity. While ACT doesn’t specifically advocate seeking challenges, it does hold that challenges are opportunities for growth.

• Confidence is your belief in yourself and your ability to influence others. ACT doesn’t promote self-esteem, which stems from your thinking self, but rather self-acceptance, which grows from connection with your observing self.

Commitment

Harris defines commitment as accepting that failure is inevitable, while also realizing it isn’t final.

Every time we fail to meet a goal, we have the opportunity to practice commitment. ACT emphasizes that you can treat any problem as an opportunity for personal growth. The alternative is to fall back into the happiness trap: When you struggle to come to terms with your failures, you generate more negative thoughts and emotions.

Harris explains that practicing commitment is a three-step process:

1. Recognize and fully accept your situation. This can involve the mindfulness techniques of defusion, expansion, and connection.
2. Ask yourself what action you can take now that connects with your values.
3. Take the action you’ve decided on. Sometimes, there won’t be an immediate action you can take; this is when you can practice the “acceptance” portion of ACT with defusion, expansion, and connection.

Commitment Requires Grit

Grit is a similar concept to what Harris calls commitment. In Grit, Angela Duckworth emphasizes that grit is a combination of passion and perseverance, and she defines perseverance as Harris defines commitment: having the resilience to overcome setbacks and work hard to finish.

Here are five ways to embody grit:

• Shift your perspective. Failure is an inevitable part of life, and it doesn’t have to be negative—instead, it’s an opportunity to try again, or try something different.

• Don’t try to be perfect. One reason failure can be so difficult to stomach is that it challenges the idea that we can be flawless. Let go of that ideal, develop humility, and try again.

• Get used to living outside of your comfort zone. Failures lead us to circumstances that feel foreign or uncertain. When you accept this discomfort, you’ll find even more opportunities to learn from your mistakes.

• Don’t be afraid to seek support. While Harris offers an individualistic approach to escaping the happiness trap, you don’t have to face failure alone. Lean on your support system.

• Focus on your goals. Failure doesn’t mean that you have to abandon your goals. You may simply need to try again—or try a new strategy.