PDF Summary:The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin

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The Ten Commandments

Rubin suggests coming up with your “Ten Commandments.” These are your personal values that will help you stay on track when your resolutions feel insurmountable or you feel tempted to give up on your commitment to your project. Your commandments might include ideas such as be yourself; enjoy the process; do the right thing; be polite; don’t keep score; and so on.

The Mantras of the Happiness Project

Mantras will help you commit to risks, act in line with who you really are, and remember what all your work is for.

• What works for other people might not work for me, and vice versa. This mantra will help you act in ways that benefit you—whether it’s in finding a new exercise routine, deciding on a passion to explore, or learning to communicate better with your spouse.
• You notice your mistakes more than other people do. When you’re afraid of trying something new or failing, keep this mantra in mind.
• Happiness doesn’t always feel good. Throughout your project, you’ll repeatedly discover that enduring the discomfort of growth is essential to maximizing happiness.
• Done is better than perfect. Perfection is...

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• Second, you may be avoiding your bedtime routine. It’s counterintuitive, but many people will stay up even when they’re tired because the thought of completing their bedtime routine—washing their face, laying out clothes for the next day, brushing their teeth—feels too exhausting.

How Can You Get More, Better Sleep?

There are three effective ways to train your brain to get to sleep earlier.

• First, put your brain “to bed”—don’t do anything that will stimulate your brain late at night. For example, instead of playing video games, read a book. Additionally, lower your lights at night—this signals to your brain that it’s time for sleep.
• Second, question your “me” time. If you’re staying up because you have too much to do, ask yourself: Am I really enjoying these activities or performing them effectively if I’m exhausted? Where possible, push your tasks to other times when you’ll be more alert, like the weekend.
• Third, get ready well before your bedtime, before you’re too exhausted for your routine.

Good sleep is a difficult commitment—there will always be more “urgent” matters. But, as it’s the foundation for your mood and energy throughout...

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If you find yourself nagging frequently, there are several ways to reframe your thinking and behaviors to avoid it.

• Try to create a non-verbal reminder of the task. A note left on the counter is often less grating than a pestering voice.
• Try making one-word reminders, which might be better received than a drawn-out reminder—for example, instead of saying, “Remember to fix the sink today. You promised yesterday but it’s still broken,” you could simply say, “Sink, please!”
• Keep in mind that the majority of tasks are not urgent—don’t expect your partner to operate on your ideal schedule.
• In a similar vein, don’t complain if a task isn’t being done your way—asking someone to do something for you, and then criticizing how they do it quickly creates resentment.
• Avoid the “I know better than you” nag—don’t pester your partner to do things that you think are best for them. They can figure it out themselves. For example, don’t continually nag your partner to bring a jacket to the restaurant in case they get cold. If they choose not to bring a jacket, that’s their own problem.

**Be sure that you’re consistently noticing how your partner does...

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Finding the right work is at once simple and complicated: Just ask yourself what you do in your free time. Remember that what works for others might not work for you, and vice versa. Reflect on what activities you genuinely enjoy, and put aside activities that you’re merely pretending to enjoy because they seem prestigious or successful.

Rubin used this process to shift to her “right work.” For some time, she worked as a law clerk and liked the work enough, but didn’t spend any more time on it than was necessary. In her free time, she enjoyed working on writing books so she decided to become a writer.

(Shortform note: Read our summary of What Color Is Your Parachute? for more guidance on finding the right work for you.)

Finding More Happiness in Your Work Life

Create more happiness at work using two key parts of the happiness formula: pursuing growth and finding more ways to feel good.

Pursue Growth: Leave Your Comfort Zone

Trying new things and challenging yourself at work is important to happiness for a few reasons. First, you earn the happy satisfaction that comes from...

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• Deflect whining. If you have a whining kid—which would make anyone feel less than cheerful—find positive ways to distract them from their complaints instead of raising your voice or ordering them to stop. For example, you might make a silly rhyme of your child’s complaints, or make up a story they can participate in.
• Reframe your thinking around difficult or frustrating tasks. First, tell yourself you enjoy the task. For example, “I’m happy to take my kids to karate class. It’s fun to watch them learn.” Second, imagine someone else taking over the task—this makes you feel grateful that it’s you that gets to do it. For example, you might think, “Would I let someone else help Sarah with her school project? No, I always get to do them with her.”

Of course, the frustrations of parenting can only be pushed so far—it’s likely you’ll snap at your kids sooner or later. What’s important in these moments is that you stop snapping as soon as you can. You’ll find that the aftermath is much less stressful than it would have been, had you not stopped yourself.

Work With—Not Against—Feelings

Minimize the number of energy-draining meltdowns you experience by...

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• Third, embrace your idea of fun and announce it to others. When you talk about your interests, you’re more likely to connect with like-minded people than if you kept your interests to yourself. For example, Rubin has a passion for reading children’s literature but used to feel it wasn’t “legitimate” enough to talk about. Once she and a friend spoke about their mutual interest in children’s literature, they were able to create a children’s literature book club and add genuinely fun meetings to their lives.

An added benefit of talking openly about your interests is that you find “your people.” Research shows that each common interest you have with a person not only increases your chances of having a lasting relationship with them but also boosts your overall life satisfaction by 2%. Furthermore, the feeling of belonging to a group bolsters your confidence and your happiness.

Make Time for It

Fun activities often aren’t spontaneous—book clubs don’t just happen. To have more fun, actively work on making time for it.

A commitment to fun is important to keep in mind because it’s easy to put off leisure activities in favor of productive activity, such...

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• Showing up looks like saying, “Let’s get coffee” and then actually making plans, going to housewarming parties, visiting your friend after they have a baby, or going to events put on by friends.

When you show up for events in others’ lives, no matter how small or large, you strengthen your bond with them—while this can deepen an already close relationship, it can also push a new friendship toward “close” friendship due to the mere exposure effect. The more people are exposed to something—such as sounds, colors, or people—the more they naturally start to like it. Therefore, the more people see you, the more they’ll like you, and vice versa.

Cultivate a Friendlier Spirit

Strong friendships don’t depend solely on the motions of companionship—you have to cultivate a positive, supportive mindset that lends itself to building and strengthening relationships.

Stop Gossiping

Gossip is tempting because it does have social benefits. It makes you feel closer to other people and it helps you understand the values of the group you’re in. But, benefits aside, gossip is mean-spirited and detrimental to your happiness and the happiness of others.

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Splurging can make you feel guilty if it’s done just for the sake of spending money and acquiring something. But, small splurges have the power to make you happier if you splurge in ways that contribute to your happiness goals. “Meaningful splurging” has two key parts: it makes you feel good and creates a feeling of growth, and it’s rare.

1) Determine What Kind of Spending Feels Good to You and Creates Growth

No matter your income level, you can spend money in small, meaningful ways. Choose your splurges carefully, and in line with what feels meaningful and good to you—take some time to figure out what you really want, and what type of spending would make you feel a sense of growth. For example, some people might splurge on nice clothing that makes them look and feel their best. On the other hand, you might be more satisfied by splurging on tools to expand your gardening hobby.

2) Practice Rarity

One of the most important factors to indulging in splurges is rarity. If you indulge too frequently in something, it no longer feels like a special treat—you get used to it, and the happiness it brings you subsequently diminishes.

• For example,...

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• First, you more easily gloss over the minor setbacks and irritations of everyday life when you recognize your fortune in them. For example, instead of thinking, “My kids have way too much energy today,” you might think, “I’m grateful that my kids are healthy enough to run around the house.”
• Second, when you inevitably encounter catastrophe or loss you’ll have a greater mental strength to move forward and take key lessons from the experience.

There are many ways to examine loss and catastrophe—Rubin found that reading memoirs of those who had experienced terminal illnesses, devastating injuries, addictions, and death worked for her. In reading these memoirs, she found a renewed gratitude for her everyday life, as well as an appreciation of its fragility.

Your contemplation of life’s fragility might not take the same form as Rubin’s. For example, if you’ve experienced a life-threatening illness, you probably won’t want to read accounts of others who have been through the same experience. For this reason, it’s important to do some exploring to figure out what helps you contemplate the process of life and death in your own way. For example, you might go hiking in...

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• With a goal in mind, you can more easily put aside activities that don’t feed into your passion and don’t contribute to your happiness, such as watching television or scrolling on social media.
• Setting, working toward, and accomplishing a large goal not only boosts your confidence and excitement for your passion but also creates a significant feeling of growth—a key component to happiness.
• Frequently thinking in the context of your passion for a whole month can push you to view the world through a new, interesting lens. For example, a passion for painting might make you notice the colors around you more. A passion for food blogging may push you to try new restaurants and discover new neighborhoods.

Pursue Your Passion, in Your Own Way

As with leisure, making time for your passion takes some discipline—but the time commitment feels less oppressive when you consider that you determine how to pursue it. This sets a few key guidelines:

• You decide what counts as meaningful work toward your passion.
• You choose how other people fit into your passion and how you might work with them on it.
• You commit to cutting back on activities that don’t fall...

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Question the World You’ve Constructed: The Rules You Live By

The second way to get your mind working in a new way is to rethink the “rules” you’ve adopted in your life. These rules are called heuristics—we use them as back-of-the-mind guidelines to help us quickly make decisions and find solutions to problems. Often, we don’t question our rules because we believe they’re inherently true. A good way to cultivate mindfulness and “wake up” in your life is to occasionally examine the rules you’ve set for yourself.

This is an important exercise because it grants you a deeper understanding of how you might unconsciously be pushing yourself away from happiness. Instead of acting on autopilot and applying your rules indiscriminately, this reflection lets you take a moment to remember your values and goals and ensure your thoughts and intentions are aligned.

Examine the rules that you unthinkingly apply to your life. For example, “My children are my first priority,” “Never go to bed angry,” “Better safe than sorry,” and so on. Ask yourself: Are they true? Are they helpful? Are they creating unhappiness? **Discarding the rules that don’t work in line with your values...

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Practice Politeness

To become more pleasant and kind toward others, focus on practicing good manners and conscientiousness. In our busy lives, we often skip over politeness because we’re too caught up in our own stresses. To work against this, be on the lookout for small ways to be more considerate of others—such as giving up your seat on the bus, letting someone with just one item skip ahead of you in line at the store, or offering to help someone with their luggage.

Be a Better Conversation Partner

One place that many people are guilty of bad manners is in conversation. Listen to yourself carefully and make sure that you’re not adopting any rude conversation personalities.

• One-uppers always respond to the speaker with a better or more extreme example in their own lives. This looks like, “Oh you think that’s painful? Listen to what happened to me last year.”
• Know-it-alls hijack the conversation to demonstrate how much they know about the subject at hand. This looks like, “Did you know that the region you visited in France is the only one where they speak Ch’ti?”
• Interrupters cut others off in the middle of their sentences to ask...

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Happiness is accessible to anyone—it’s not necessary to make huge changes or have incredible resources at your fingertips. You simply need to be ready to embrace the discomfort (and opportunity) of growth, get to know yourself and what’s right for you, and commit to the hard work of happiness.