PDF Summary:The Confidence Code, by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman

In this guide for women (men can learn something too), journalists and authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman examine the art and science of confidence—what it is, why it matters, why women have more trouble accessing it than men, and how this shortage affects professional success, personal achievement, and even happiness. Biology plays a role, and so do systemic inequalities, but confidence is also largely a choice. Learn how to make it in The Confidence Code.

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Plasticity

All of us, regardless of age, can physically change our brains, which means that if you choose to change your thinking and mental habits, you can rewire yourself to be more confident, regardless of your genes or sex.

• For example, meditation can quiet and depower the amygdala. One experiment on stressed business people found that their amygdala actually shrank after meditation.

Hormones and Confidence

In the previous section, we looked at brain biology. Now, we’ll look at two hormones that affect confidence: testosterone and estrogen. Both men and women have testosterone, but post-puberty, men have around 10 times more than women.

Testosterone

Testosterone is responsible for muscle size, competition ability, speed, strength, and feelings of power. It’s also related to risk-taking and ignoring warnings. While these qualities aid confidence, testosterone has some downsides—it limits certain abilities, like cooperating and seeing other people’s points of view.

• For example, one study asked pairs of women to look at two images and agree on which was clearer. The pairs of women who received a testosterone supplement had more difficulty agreeing and were more often wrong.

Women can increase their testosterone levels by adopting male postures, like taking up space while sitting.

Estrogen

Estrogen encourages observation, social skills, and connection. Like testosterone, it has limitations too—it contributes to risk avoidance, which can kill confidence. However, risk aversion isn’t always bad—sometimes risks fail—and therefore estrogen’s effects can enhance performance and success.

• For example, one study found that over five years, women hedge fund managers' investments did three times better than men’s.

Environment and Confidence

In the previous sections, you learned about how genetics, brain biology, and hormones affect confidence. But confidence isn’t a matter of nature versus nurture—both our biology and our environment affect us and neither will win out.

Seven environmental influences contribute to women having lower self-belief than men:

Influence #1: Expectations of “goodness.” Starting in elementary school or even younger at home, girls are rewarded for being “good”—quiet, neat, compliant, and well-behaved. Encouraging goodness discourages confidence-building behavior like taking risks, being rowdy, or teasing and roughhousing (both common ways boys play).

Influence #2: Fewer girls play sports. Sports are good for building confidence because playing them involves competing, winning, and losing, which have parallels with victories and setbacks throughout life (such as making a mistake at work.) However, fewer girls play sports than boys, and girls are six times more likely to quit their team than boys. This is because girls’ self-esteem drops more than boys’ during adolescence and losing makes them so uncomfortable they stop competing.

Influence #3: The rules change. Unlike in the classroom, in the workplace, academic achievement and competence are no longer the requirements for success. Instead, success requires self-promotion, political savvy, and pushing beyond nos. Many women aren’t skilled in these areas since they haven’t had practice in their upbringing.

Influence #4: Stereotype threat. When there’s a stereotype associated with a minority group, members of the group feel pressure to embody the stereotype. There are many negative stereotypes associated with women’s abilities. For example, women are stereotypically worse at math than men.

Influence #5: Systemic barriers. Women don’t have access to the same resources as men in the U.S. For example, American women earn more degrees than men and according to the Global Gender Gap, the U.S. is first in equality in educational attainment. There’s no lack of competence—but the U.S. is 67th in gender pay equality and 60th in political empowerment.

Influence #6: Body image expectations. Women’s confidence is strongly tied to physical appearance and they’re judged on their appearance more than men are. Women who don’t meet society’s beauty standards have a harder time in life.

• For example, obese girls are less likely to attend college than other girls, but obese boys are just as likely to attend as other boys.

Influence #7: Self-imposed obstacles. In addition to the six external influences that inhibit women more than men from developing confidence, women also assume certain burdens such as a desire to be likable (making us so scared of offending people we don’t act), overthinking (inhibiting our ability to act) internally attributing everything (chalking up anything that goes wrong as a personal failing), and perfectionism (unattainable, so you’ll always feel too inadequate to take action).

The Confidence Code

As you learned in the previous sections, biological and environmental factors contribute to confidence, but confidence isn’t a fixed trait—you have to build it. Psychologists believe that 50% of confidence might come from choice and will.

The confidence code—the building blocks of confidence—consists of three principles:

1. Don’t overthink.
2. Act.
3. Be authentic.

Practice adhering to the code using the following techniques:

Technique #1: Fail fast. Failing fast is a business strategy that involves trying lots of ideas, expecting that most of them will fail. This is useful as a confidence-building strategy because it inherently involves the same cycle of repeated attempts, failure, and risk-taking necessary for building confidence. Additionally, it combats perfectionism and inhibits overthinking because the cycles are so fast there’s simply not time.

Technique #2: Act, even when you’re uncertain. If you stay inactive in your comfort zone, you won’t improve or gain confidence. If you act, the worst thing that will happen is that you fail. You don’t have to take massive action—it’s fine to start this strategy with baby steps. For example, if you’re not confident about attending parties solo, first, go to a small event where you know people.

Technique #3: Think differently using thought exercises. For example, to control ruminating, whenever you find yourself doing it, think of three things you’ve done well that day.

Technique #4: Change your focus. Women tend to be more confident when they focus on others instead of themselves. Therefore, you can spur yourself to act by thinking about how taking action will benefit others. For example, if you’re nervous about public speaking, tell yourself you’re speaking on behalf of people or a group you care about.

Technique #5: Take credit. When you achieve something, don’t downplay it, attribute it to luck, or be self-deprecating. You deserve your achievements, so take credit for them. If you have trouble taking a compliment, say thank you and tell the person you appreciate them saying it. In moments when you lack confidence, remember these achievements—you’ll become more confident when you remember there’s proof you’ve been successful in the past.

Technique #6: Don’t take things personally. When someone criticizes you at work, remember that this criticism is directed at your work, not you. Also, recognize that women face some obstacles men don’t and this makes things harder for us. We’re not incompetent or less capable; our lives are harder and we don’t have access to the same resources.

Technique #7: Become more comfortable speaking up. You can improve your confidence and speaking abilities by using whatever speaking style is most comfortable, focusing on others, and avoiding upspeak (when the pitch of your voice rises at the end of a sentence, making it sound like you’re asking a question and are uncertain).

Technique #8: Do things differently if necessary. You don’t need to copy men or other people to be confident. If you have a new, more effective way of doing something, pursue it, even if you face criticism.

Technique #9: Don’t rely on external sources of confidence. There’s nothing wrong with comparing yourself to others and enjoying external validation, but it’s dangerous to rely on this as a source of confidence. You’re less likely to act if you fear the action will make people stop praising you, and you’ll be crushed when you don’t get enough praise.

Building Confidence in Others

In the previous section, you learned some techniques for building your confidence. In this final chapter, you’ll learn how to build confidence in your children and the women you know.

Building Confidence in Children

The earlier in life we encounter the confidence builders (risk, failure, and so on), the faster and more effectively we build confidence.

Here are some strategies for raising confident children:

1. Slowly expose children to risk—too much all at once might traumatize them.

2. Be specific about praise. For example, if your son helps set the table, instead of saying “good job” or “you’re a perfect child,” say something like, “I like how you folded the napkins.” Be especially careful not to overpraise daughters—this encourages them to be good. (Also be careful not to overly reprimand daughters for the same reason.)

3. Don’t fix their problems—this will make them overreliant and impede their ability to develop tolerance for frustration.

4. Teach them to master small life skills like cooking an egg or doing laundry.

5. Don’t attach your status to their achievements. An Irish study found that young people thought pressure to meet their parents’ expectations was mentally damaging.

6. Lead by example. Your children will copy you, so if they see you emulating confidence-building behavior like working hard, struggling, or recovering from mistakes, they’ll pick it up too.

7. Discourage perfectionism by praising appropriately, encouraging your daughter to be happy with doing her personal best, and encouraging her to reflect on past challenges and how she got past them to develop resilience.

8. Push daughters toward math and science by pointing out how useful math is in small daily tasks and drawing their attention to the science they encounter every day, such as weather. Never make fun of your own science and math skills—doing so reinforces stereotypes.

9. Encourage your daughters to play sports. Enroll them when they’re young, don’t let them quit if they fail, and consider individual sports if they don’t like team sports.

10. Draw your daughter’s attention to women role models. This will show them what they could achieve.

11. Encourage the “growth mindset”—the belief that you can learn new things and improve if you put in effort (as opposed to your abilities being fixed). This mindset turns failure into a learning experience.

Building Confidence in Other Women

Here are some tips for encouraging other women in your life:

1. Share the facts about confidence, namely that it’s a choice and everyone has the potential to develop it.

2. Encourage women to acknowledge and talk about their achievements. It’s possible to talk about achievements without bragging. For example, you might say your team did a great job.

3. Instead of defaulting to being supportive and sympathetic toward another woman, sometimes, encourage her to act.

4. Especially if you’re in a senior position, help other women advance. For example, whenever Christine Lagarde, chief of IMF, goes to a meeting, if she sees a woman who’s too afraid to speak, she’ll call on her.

5. Act as a role model. If you’re a successful woman, other women will be watching you, so display your confidence.