PDF Summary:The Cherry Tree Theory, by Rich Pink and Rox Pink

How is a person like a cherry tree? Neither can thrive without the proper care. In The Cherry Tree Theory, Rich and Rox Pink write that if you’re lost, stuck, or emotionally detached, your problems are environmental, not the result of personal failings. Just as the Pinks nursed a dying tree back to health by fixing its environment, they say you can find happiness and success by adjusting the way you live.

In this guide, we’ll explain how you can track down the causes of your emotional struggles and how to remind yourself that you’re still capable of joy, and how to find the human connections and fulfillment that you need so you can flourish. Along the way, we’ll connect the Pinks’ advice to the work of experts in productivity, health, and happiness, such as Greg McKeown, Robert M. Sapolsky, and Marie Kondo.

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One caution to keep in mind is that a poisonous coping strategy can mask itself as benign or even necessary. The authors warn that the very nature of addiction means your poison will try to convince you that you can’t cope without it, that you need the numbness and the escapism it offers. However, that’s a lie: There was a time in the past when you handled life without poisoning yourself, and you can learn to do so again.

(Shortform note: The advantage poor coping strategies have over healthy ones is that they offer quicker relief, and we don’t see their negative effects until later. For example, smoking reduces anxiety and makes people feel good in the moment, but it has devastating effects on the body later on. In contrast, good habits, like saving money, often require us to sacrifice things we want in the present (like buying new things or going out to eat) for intangible future rewards.)

Therefore, the Pinks urge you to reject your poisons and embrace life in all its messiness and discomfort. They also say that for a while, you might need to reaffirm that decision every day or every hour. Cleansing yourself from your poisons will be exhausting at first—but each time you choose life over numbness, you’ll remind yourself that you can survive and flourish on your own.

(Shortform note: The messy, uncomfortable transitions the Pinks talk about don’t only happen when you give up bad habits—life-altering turmoil can hit you at any time, and it’s often these periods of change that trigger poor habits in the first place. However, these changes also give life meaning, according to Bruce Feiler in Life Is in the Transitions. He calls these major transitions “lifequakes”—some are changes you willingly choose (like getting sober) and others are unexpected (like getting fired). The process to deal with them, good and bad, is to let yourself grieve for whatever you lose during the change, then explore the new version of “you” you want to be, as opposed to ruminating on who you were before.)

Prune the Deadwood

An important part of tree care is to cut away deadwood to make room for new growth. The Pinks say that, like their cherry tree, you’re probably carrying some “deadwood” yourself: aspects of your life that aren’t actively toxic, but take resources away from the parts of you that can still grow. Some examples might include a relationship that doesn’t bring you joy anymore or a job with few prospects for a career path.

The authors suggest imagining your ideal future, then comparing that vision to your current life. Anything that’s part of your life now, but absent from the future you envision, is something you should consider pruning.

(Shortform note: The danger in focusing on one ideal future is that it doesn’t leave room for whatever curveballs life throws you. In Designing Your Life, Bill Burnett and Dave Evans say not to assume there’s only one perfect life and instead to consider three life paths that could make you happy. For the first, focus on something you already have in mind—either the life you’re living now or an idea you’re developing. For the second, consider what you’d do if your current career path disappeared. For your third plan, describe what you’d do if you weren’t concerned about money or what other people think about you. If you do this and follow the Pinks’ pruning advice, you’ll have to weigh how valuable things would be for any or all of these three options.)

With that said, before you cut something—or someone—from your life, make sure it’s really worth getting rid of. The Pinks offer three ways you can make that evaluation:

1. Clearly identify what you’re cutting. Write down the name of the person, place, or activity that you want to get rid of.

2. Identify what it takes from you. Write a single sentence about why you’d consider getting rid of this thing. For example, perhaps you have a job that leaves you exhausted and stressed, or you go to a weekly meetup that’s always boring.

(Shortform note: It may sound like the Pinks are advising you to clean house in every part of your life, but in Do Less, Get More, Shaa Wasmund warns that that’s a very big task, so don’t try to do it all at once. Instead, she says to target one aspect of your life to cut back on at a time —whether that’s your work, the time you give to friends, or how thin you stretch yourself for your family—and don’t be afraid to ask others for help. One reason is to avoid decision paralysis: Thinking too long about the process can let fear of change build to the point that it stops you from acting at all. What’s important is to get started and accept that the process won’t go perfectly. You should expect to make mistakes and adapt as you go along.)

3. Examine your role. Consider whether your own behavior might be causing the problem. For example, if you feel like your relationship isn’t going anywhere, think about whether you frequently cycle through romantic partners and why that might be. If you notice that this is part of a larger pattern in your life, it’s a sign that your own behavior might be the issue.

(Shortform note: In The Mountain Is You, poet Brianna Wiest says the self-sabotaging behaviors the Pinks allude to are the avoidance tactics your brain develops in an attempt to protect you from your fears. For example, if you fear being alone, you may stay in abusive relationships. If you fear failure, you might never apply for a job you truly want. Once you’ve identified how you sabotage yourself, Wiest says you must take active, and sometimes uncomfortable, steps to change. First, you must learn how to effectively interpret, process, and respond to your emotions, which is no small task in itself. Once you’ve done that, you can identify your ideal self and take steps toward it, such as those the Pinks recommend next.)

Repair Your Roots

Despite the Pinks getting rid of the toxic pesticides and pruning away deadwood, their cherry tree still wasn’t blossoming. They dug deeper (literally) and discovered an infestation of cherry slugs attacking its roots. Just like that tree, many of us have deeply buried problems—ingrained beliefs, behaviors, and traumatic experiences we hide from everyone—that keep causing further damage even as we try to heal.

If the same self-destructive patterns repeatedly show up in your life, there could be a root issue preventing you from getting better. For example, Rox says that her root traumas were losing her mother in her early 20s, repeated betrayals from family members whose support she needed, and the deep-seated belief that she was a failure. Rich reveals that he was sexually abused as a child: a secret that he kept until it festered into self-destructive anxiety that drove him to seek comfort in drinking and gambling.

The Pinks say there are a number of ways to uncover what you’ve hidden from yourself. Common practices include keeping a daily journal to look for recurring ideas and behaviors, opening up to a loved one about your concerns, or seeking a therapist who can help you untangle your thoughts. They add that if there’s something in your past that you reflexively avoid thinking about or that seems too painful to discuss, it’s almost guaranteed to be part of what’s damaging your roots.

The Roots of Trauma

The effects of childhood traumas like those the Pinks describe can be entrenched and long-lasting because of how they rewire the brain. In What Happened to You?, Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey explain that all trauma has two factors: a stress response (the body’s reaction to a difficult event) and the lasting impact of that event, the extent and details of which can vary based on the individual. Childhood trauma can be especially severe because much of our brain development happens during the first few years of life, so childhood experiences are foundational to our worldview, personality, and behavior.

There are ways of working through trauma to help us heal and live healthy lives. However, Perry and Winfrey maintain that every person has a different background and different needs, so there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Still, they say the first step is always to ease your stress response in a way that retrains your brain to recognize that it isn’t in danger, allowing you to think rationally and process traumatic memories. This should be done in the context of a loving, supportive community with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings. Lastly, Perry and Winfrey say to go easy on yourself, which is also the Pinks’ next step.

Offer Yourself Compassion and Patience

The Pinks say that uncovering and healing your roots is a long, difficult, often painful process. They encourage you to be kind to yourself as you do this recovery work. Recognize that you’ve always done the best you could in whatever circumstances you had, and face your shortcomings with compassion instead of self-reproach.

(Shortform note: In Healing the Shame That Binds You, psychologist John Bradshaw offers a way to follow the Pinks’ advice about kindness—you can identify your unmet childhood needs and determine how to fulfill them as an adult. You can do this on your own through a process called reparenting, with the help of a loving partner, or in a support group. Another way Bradshaw says you can be kind to yourself is to tap into the love you feel for someone else, then direct that love toward yourself and hold it there for a few minutes of concentrated focus.)

They also warn that trying to fix your life all at once will overwhelm you and might make you give up. Therefore, try to address one problem at a time, and be patient with your healing process. Recovering from past hurts and unlearning harmful patterns takes time—you might need months or even years to clear out your “infestations” and start to flourish again.

(Shortform note: There’s a neurological reason why this process takes as long as it does. In The Grieving Brain, psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor explains that just as our brains create maps of physical spaces, they also create emotional “maps” that we use to navigate through life. These maps include positive connections, such as those with loved ones, and danger signs, such as those left by trauma. Healing from emotional wounds takes time because our brains must accumulate enough new experiences to gradually update our emotional maps. Just like learning a new language or skill, this neurological process can’t be rushed.)

Give Yourself What You Need to Bloom

So far we’ve discussed how to eliminate the things that hurt you and stop you from flourishing, but that will only make recovery possible. Even the healthiest tree needs sunlight and nutrients in order to grow—and the Pinks say you need connection and fulfillment to make your life bloom again.

(Shortform note: Another way to put this is that we all need to feel that we matter—that we’re seen, heard, valued, and needed. In The Power of Mattering, researcher Zach Mercurio argues that more than ever before, people in the modern world lack the sense that they matter, and it’s driving an epidemic of loneliness. Mercurio says the feeling that you matter has two components: the experience of feeling valued by others (connection) and knowing that you add value to their lives (fulfillment). These two aspects of mattering build on each other in a virtuous cycle, so when they’re working properly, they generate enough sustainable, intrinsic motivation for you to accomplish whatever you find meaningful.)

This final section will discuss why people need love and connection in the same way that trees need sunlight, and how you can start to reconnect with the people around you. We’ll then discuss how your work can be either a toxic drain on your energy, or a nourishing source of fulfillment.

Connection Will Help You Grow

The Pinks use light as a metaphor for love and human connection: Just as a tree needs light to grow, you need warmth, intimacy, and understanding from others in order to thrive. If people have hurt you in the past, it’s likely that you’ve built up emotional barriers to protect yourself. For instance, you might refuse to share your real thoughts and feelings even with your loved ones, or you always find excuses to avoid social events. However, those barriers you set up to protect yourself will also prevent you from connecting with others. You can’t get the “light” you need to grow.

Therefore, the Pinks encourage you to take down your emotional walls. Start small: Go to an event that you’d normally avoid, answer your phone when a family member calls, or accept a friend’s offer to help you out with something. Even small gestures like these might feel risky, but consistently taking those minor risks will help you open up to genuine human connections. The key is to accept your fear, not to overcome it. Fear often comes with opening yourself up to others and making yourself vulnerable, but you’ll find that it’s survivable—the fear doesn’t stop you from connecting and flourishing.

Finally, the Pinks argue that connecting with others requires you to present an honest, imperfect version of yourself, rather than a mask you’ve designed to be more palatable. Someone can’t truly know you unless you’re willing to share your real thoughts, desires, fears, and emotions. Someone who stays around after seeing the truest version of you is someone with whom you’ve built a strong and empowering connection.

Connection and Courage

Navigating connection, vulnerability, and authenticity are themes explored in depth by best-selling self-help author Brené Brown. In Braving the Wilderness, Brown characterizes the kind of connection the Pinks are aiming for as “true belonging”—feeling secure in communicating and living out your values despite what others may think. She contrasts this with fitting in, which means conforming with other people’s expectations. True belonging requires you to be brave enough to say what you believe and feel, even when doing so risks rejection and backlash from those around you. On the other hand, when you try to fit in, you do so by hiding some part of yourself, which leaves you even more isolated and alone.

We fall into the trap thanks to the gap between how we feel (vulnerable) and how we’d have to act (brave). In Strong Ground, Brown acknowledges this paradox: Vulnerability is a state of uncertainty and fear that comes from putting yourself at risk, whereas courage is the absence of uncertainty and fear. However, Brown argues that you can only build courage if you make yourself vulnerable by putting yourself in situations where you might fail, look foolish, or get hurt, such as by taking the small steps to connection that the Pinks recommend.

The most difficult thing to do may be the Pinks’ advice to show your authentic self. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown identifies the main culprit: shame, the feeling that you don’t deserve to be loved because you’ll never be “good enough.” If, like the Pinks’ past, your past has been a rocky road, there may be aspects of yourself that you’re ashamed to share with others. Brown’s way through is to practice “wholehearted living”—make the deliberate choice to show your true self to the world, avoid comparing yourself to other people, recognize that any perfectionist tendencies you have are built on unrealistic expectations, and make time for stillness and calm in your life so you won’t react as strongly to things that might trigger shame.

Find Work That Nourishes You

The last element of your life that we’ll discuss is your career. The Pinks say that your work environment functions much like the soil around a tree: It either provides the conditions for you to flourish, or it slowly and quietly drains you. Therefore, they encourage you to make an honest assessment of your current job:

• Do you look forward to going to work, or do you dread it?
• Does your workplace feel supportive or antagonistic?
• What are you getting in return for your time and energy? The list may include money, enjoyment, a sense of purpose, future opportunities, and so on. Is the exchange worth it?

(Shortform note: Research has shown that people view work in one of three ways—as a job (an obligation with little personal value), a career (focused on money, status, or power), or a calling where the work itself is valuable and intrinsically motivating. In Happier, Harvard professor Tal Ben-Shahar suggests asking three different questions than the Pinks do about your work: What gives you meaning? What gives you pleasure? What are your strengths? If you identify work that aligns with all three answers, you’ll have found a calling that elevates your employment into something you actually enjoy.)

The Pinks suggest that your body may have already concluded whether your job is nourishing or draining you. If you have nagging feelings of fatigue, resentment, or anxiety in relation to your job, then it’s not a healthy environment. Pay attention to the signals your body and mind are sending you—they won’t go away, and pushing through them will only leave you stuck in a toxic situation.

The authors speak from personal experience: Rich left a 20-year career in banking, and Rox took a decade-long break from her career as a singer-songwriter (though she did eventually go back to performing). Both agree that walking away from their careers was terrifying, but also necessary.

(Shortform note: The physical and mental symptoms the Pinks describe are all indicative of burnout. In Feel-Good Productivity, entrepreneur Ali Abdaal identifies three types of burnout that may affect you at work: Strain happens when you’re trying to do too much, drain happens when you don’t get enough rest, and mismatch happens when your work doesn’t line up with your interests and feels meaningless. Strain and drain can be addressed by setting boundaries and taking time for yourself, but Abdaal says that burnout due to mismatch is particularly hard to avoid and recover from. In that situation, the Pinks’ advice to quit your job might be the only practical remedy.)

With that said, the Pinks also contend that it’s often possible to improve your work environment. Seeking out new challenges and learning opportunities, setting clearer boundaries to protect your work-life balance, or building your professional support network are all ways to help you thrive in your current job. Just be aware that there are limits to what you can accomplish with small tweaks like these—your employer might not let you make the changes you need, or the work might just be wrong for you. As always, the Pinks urge you to do whatever you need to in order to flourish.

(Shortform note: In addition to the career-based strategies the Pinks list for improving your work life, you can also get a mental boost from redesigning your physical and digital workspace. In Joy at Work, Marie Kondo and Scott Sonenshein explain that we’re easily overwhelmed by office clutter, emails, and meetings. Their solution is a systematic approach to maintaining an organized workspace. You begin by creating a mental blueprint or your ideal environment and routine. From this starting point, remove anything from your physical space, your schedule, and your devices that doesn’t fit one of these criteria: things that excite you, things that support your work, and things that contribute to your long-term success. Anything else, you can lose.)