PDF Summary:The Book of Joy, by The Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Abrams

In The Book of Joy, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and His Holiness the Dalai Lama offer reassurance that joy is not as elusive as you might think. While many look for joy in a different relationship, a different city, or a different job, they argue that joy can be found exactly where you are no matter what your life looks like.

Written by Douglas Abrams, The Book of Joy documents a week-long conversation between Tutu and the Dalai Lama about the nature of joy—what it is, why it matters, and how you can find it. In this guide, we’ll outline the path to joy that Tutu and the Dalai Lama describe. We’ll also point to scientific research that supports their suggestions and supplement their advice with that of others who have tackled the same questions, including Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl and philosophers such as Aristotle.

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Forgiveness is a powerful practice because it breaks cycles of suffering. If you’re harmed and you choose anger or vengeance, then you’ve chosen to respond to harm by causing more harm; but if you choose forgiveness, you can prevent further harm from happening. For example, if someone says something cruel to you and you say something cruel in reply, then you both continue to suffer. But if you forgive them and offer compassion, you have the opportunity to transform the interaction and interrupt the ongoing suffering.

(Shortform note: Holding onto resentment instead of practicing forgiveness can also cause physical suffering. Studies have shown that people who hold onto resentment and anger are more likely to experience severe depression or post-traumatic stress disorder, or be diagnosed with high blood pressure or diabetes.)

Yet Tutu and the Dalai Lama emphasize that forgiveness is not the same as condoning harmful actions. Just because you choose not to exact revenge for harm done to you doesn't mean you approve of the person’s actions. The Dalai Lama explains that forgiveness requires that you distinguish between the person and their action. You can condemn someone’s actions without condemning the person, maintaining compassion for the person who took the action.

Restorative Justice: A Different Way to Address Harm

There’s a growing movement to put forgiveness into action at a community-wide level using the model of restorative justice. Restorative justice is a philosophy and approach to addressing harm that emphasizes the importance of repairing harm instead of focusing only on punishment or retribution. This philosophy is based on the principles of respect, responsibility, and relationship-building. It aims to empower individuals and communities to take ownership of the harm caused and work together to find solutions that promote healing, accountability, and reconciliation

Restorative justice processes typically involve bringing together the people affected by the incident, including the victim, the offender, and anyone else involved, to collectively determine the best way to repair the harm caused and move forward. This can sometimes involve an apology, restitution, community service, or a different form of making amends. Restorative justice has been applied in a range of settings, including schools, workplaces, and the criminal justice system.

Gratitude

According to the Dalai Lama, gratitude is accepting and appreciating what exists without focusing on what you wish were different. For example, if your car breaks down, you can suffer in your frustration (even knowing it wouldn’t change anything), or you can shift your perspective and feel grateful for the existence of public transportation, the ability to walk, or that you have a car at all.

When you do feel angry, bitter, or resentful, gratitude can be a powerful remedy. When you focus on what you don’t have, you suffer—but when you express gratitude for what you have, you feel joy. So while it may seem that you’re grateful when you’re happy, in actuality, you become happier the more grateful you are.

Are There Limits to the Power of Gratitude?

Numerous studies have found a direct correlation between expressing gratitude and happiness. One study reported that gratitude not only increases happiness, but overall life satisfaction. Participants who expressed gratitude regularly demonstrated more prosocial behavior, reported higher-quality relationships, and had an increased sense of purpose and meaning.

However, there are still limits to the power of gratitude. A 2020 analysis of 27 studies on gratitude suggests that the impact of “gratitude interventions” on people experiencing depression is more limited than previously suggested. A positive outlook that requires people to suppress negative emotions and experiences, also known as “toxic positivity,” can cause people struggling with depression to experience greater shame and isolation and ultimately discourage them from seeking help.

The benefits of gratitude also extend to others. When you see the world as lacking, or deficient, you’re more likely to act out of a sense of scarcity. This fear will lead you to act only in your own self-interest. However, when you’re grateful, you see the world as full of abundance, and therefore you’re more willing to act generously toward other people. Studies have shown that those who regularly express gratitude are more empathetic, helpful, and generous toward people in their social networks.

(Shortform note: Although there’s no single neurological connection between gratitude and generosity, some evidence suggests that practicing gratitude can promote generosity. Studies have shown that when people feel grateful, the brain's reward center—the ventral striatum—becomes more active. Thus, people may experience positive emotions, such as happiness, contentment, and satisfaction. For example, a 2017 study found that participants who spent several weeks journaling about what they were thankful for showed greater brain activity in their reward center when they gave to a charity rather than spending money on themselves.)

Compassion

In this way, gratitude leads to compassion, the desire to alleviate another person’s suffering. When you’re grateful for what you have, your natural inclination is to turn your attention and concern to other people.

Science suggests that we’re hardwired for compassion. While many argue that people are innately selfish and competitive, cooperation has been more fundamental to humanity’s survival. As Tutu and the Dalai Lama reiterate, people are interdependent. We depend on others for survival and happiness; therefore, being invested in other people’s well-being is in our own self-interest.

(Shortform note: While there’s evidence of humans’ innate altruism, it’s hard to ignore the pervasiveness of war, poverty, and conflict in the modern world. Research suggests that while altruism was key to survival in hunter-gatherer societies, the agricultural societies that emerged around 12,000 years ago required greater specialization, which in turn led to more hierarchical structures in communities and an increase in self-serving behaviors.)

Even small acts of compassion, like smiling as you pass someone, are powerful because compassion is contagious. Studies have shown that witnessing acts of compassion inspires others to act more compassionately. Treating your loved ones with compassion will cause them to act more compassionately to the people they know, who’ll then also act more compassionately within their network, causing a powerful ripple effect beyond your own immediate circle.

(Shortform note: One reason why compassion is contagious is that it can activate the brain's mirror neuron system. Mirror neurons are a type of neuron that fires both when an individual performs an action and when they observe another individual performing the same action. The mirror neuron system is thought to play a key role in empathy and social cognition, allowing us to understand and share the emotions of others. When we witness acts of kindness or compassion, our mirror neurons may fire in response, leading us to experience similar emotions and feel more inclined to act compassionately ourselves.)

Generosity

According to Tutu and the Dalai Lama, generosity is compassion in action—the moment when you choose to act on your feelings of compassion to alleviate the suffering of others.

Generosity, acting in service to others, is foundational to our own joy and well-being. Neuroscience research shows that the reward center in our brains lights up when we help people, and our brain releases endorphins and oxytocin, making us happier and healthier. Research has shown that just thinking about generosity can strengthen people’s immune systems. (Shortform note: The benefits you get from acting generously aren’t dependent on witnessing the impact of your actions. One study found that feeding strangers’ parking meters led to a reported increase in subjective well-being, even though participants didn’t interact with the people they were helping.)

According to Buddhist teaching, there are three types of generosity: material giving (for example, money), freedom from fear (for example, compassion), and spiritual giving (for example, moral teaching). The Dalai Lama also emphasizes that giving your time can be a profound gift of generosity, whether this is volunteering or being fully present when you play with children.

(Shortform note: Research has shown that people who dedicate time to voluntarily helping others are happier than those who don’t. An examination of more than 17 longitudinal studies of over 74,000 participants found that volunteers had a greater sense of life satisfaction and reduced rates of depression when compared to non-volunteers. Researchers observed this trend in participants from over 130 countries, regardless of their economic status.)

Abrams adds that finding your purpose is also an act of generosity. Your purpose, he argues, is the way you choose to contribute to the world, so acting generously can begin with using your strengths to improve the well-being of others. (Shortform note: Not everyone knows intuitively what their purpose is. In Find Your Why, Simon Sinek offers a four-step process to help you think more intentionally about what you’re called to do. He recommends recruiting a partner to help facilitate the conversation. A partner can ask you open-ended questions, identify key themes in your life, and reflect back to you what they hear.)

The Three Truths About Suffering

In the previous section, we outlined the eight core values that will help you find joy through detaching your happiness from your external circumstances and thinking more about others. However, even if you know the steps you need to take to expand joy in your life, the practice often becomes more difficult when you’re in the midst of suffering. Many people believe that their own suffering or the immense suffering in the world means they can’t (or shouldn’t) feel joy. In the next section, we’ll explain why suffering doesn’t prevent you from experiencing joy and how it can sometimes even lead you to greater joy.

(Shortform note: The inability to feel joy in the face of suffering often leads to feelings of despair—a feeling of hopelessness that something is wrong and will never change for the better. People can feel despair about specific parts of their life, like their relationship or job prospects, or despair about their life or the future of the world. For example, in recent years, mental health professionals have seen a rise in what has been coined “climate despair,” an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness to prevent or mitigate the catastrophic impacts of climate change.)

Suffering is inevitable, but Tutu and the Dalai Lama argue that it doesn’t have to affect your overall capacity for joy. They offer three truths about suffering that can help you turn back to joy in the midst of fear, anger, envy, sadness, isolation, and even death.

The First Truth: You Can Control How You Respond to Suffering

Much of our suffering is beyond our control. You might suffer because of a natural disaster, war, or an unexpected flooded basement. These are external circumstances that you can’t change. While this type of suffering is inevitable, the Dalai Lama explains that much of human suffering is avoidable because it’s caused by our emotional response to our circumstances.

Why We Worry

Some of our emotional responses are deeply ingrained in our biology. For example, over the course of human evolution, worrying has been critical to our survival as a species. As Daniel Gilbert explains in Stumbling on Happiness, the human brain is excellent at playing out hypothetical scenarios, a skill that’s helpful for identifying potential threats or assessing resource availability.

However, in our modern world, the threats we face are less black-and-white. We worry about the state of democracy or how technology is affecting our children. Our brain’s attempts to protect us from these more complicated threats often cause us to overanalyze the past or ruminate constantly about the future, resulting in a near-constant state of worry that can lead to depression or anxiety.

The Dalai Lama advocates for cultivating equanimity (what he calls “mental immunity”), the ability to maintain a calm and positive state of mind even in the face of adversity. Cultivating equanimity will help you minimize the internal suffering caused by negative emotions like anxiety, anger, envy, sadness, and loneliness.

(Shortform note: Mindfulness is a powerful tool for cultivating equanimity. According to Bhante Gunaratana, author of Mindfulness in Plain English, mindfulness is the ability to observe your own thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them. A regular meditation or mindfulness practice can help you minimize internal suffering by allowing you to ride the waves of your emotional ups and downs without judgment.)

Tutu and the Dalai Lama explain that fear is often the root cause of our negative emotions and therefore the cause of much of our internal suffering. In the next section, we’ll outline some strategies you can use to build up your mental resilience to negative emotions that stem from fear.

(Shortform note: To become more resilient to negative emotions, you must first develop your emotional intelligence, meaning greater awareness and management of your emotions. In Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves argue that there are four pillars that make up emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. Cultivating these four pillars will help you process your emotions, manage emotional triggers, develop healthier patterns of thinking and behavior, and, ultimately, become more successful.)

Anxiety

Sometimes fear of what we can’t control leads to anxiety. Fear and anxiety are similar in that they both involve feelings of worry and unease. However, while fear is a natural emotional response to perceived danger or threat, anxiety isn’t always rooted in reality and can persist even when there’s no real danger. This constant state of anxiety leads to chronic stress which is unhealthy and can interfere with daily life.

(Shortform note: In Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, neurologist Robert Sapolsky explains that chronic stress exists because humans’ stress response developed in response to short-term, physical stress factors like finding shelter or childbirth, but it hasn’t evolved to cope with the long-term sources of stress that are more typical of modern life, like meeting deadlines or planning for retirement. Our inability to cope with ongoing psychological and social stressors has led to an epidemic of chronic stress.)

When your lack of control leaves you feeling anxious, you can remember two things:

First, as Tutu and the Dalai Lama reiterate, the nature of humanity is cooperative. We live in an interdependent society in which we all need and rely on other people. Therefore, with any challenge you face, you don’t have to solve the problem alone. (Shortform note: In fact, believing that you can solve a problem alone will likely diminish your chances of success. In Ego Is the Enemy, Ryan Holiday explains that an inflated belief in your own ability will limit your chances of succeeding. Ego, he argues, often leads to failure because it causes people to overestimate their knowledge and skills, underestimate potential threats, and dismiss the potential contributions of others.)

Second, when you experience something that you perceive as a threat, Tutu and the Dalai Lama recommend that you reframe that threat as a challenge. Reframing the perceived threat as something that your body and mind are getting ready to overcome is a form of “stress resilience” that will help you avoid the dangers of chronic stress. (Shortform Note: In Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, Sapolsky suggests other strategies to help mitigate anxiety and chronic stress, including creating predictability in your life when you can, establishing a regular exercise routine, and making sure you have a strong social support network.)

Anger

Fear of what we can’t control can also lead to frustration or anger. For example, if someone you work with is promoted ahead of you, you might respond with anger by venting to a coworker or making unfounded accusations. This anger likely stems from the fear of not getting what you need or the fear that you’re not respected or loved. Like chronic stress, anger is rarely helpful because your emotions overwhelm your ability to think logically. (Shortform note: Many of us think of anger as a loud or violent outburst, but there are multiple types of anger. For example, passive-aggressive behavior can be a manifestation of anger, or anger can be directed inward and take the form of shame or negative self-talk.)

When you find yourself responding to fear with anger, ask yourself “What am I afraid of?” and try to address the root cause of your emotional response. You can also acknowledge responsibility by considering your own role in creating the situation that sparked your anger. It can also help to take a broader perspective, remembering that the person or people you’re in conflict with also have their own fears and values that are driving their actions.

(Shortform note: Some psychologists argue that anger is actually a useful emotion, and we shouldn’t be so quick to condemn it. For example, anger can signal a possible threat or the presence of injustice. While psychologists don’t condone expressing anger through violence, they also warn against suppressing the emotion. Instead, they suggest using anger for good, as a motivating force to incite positive change.)

Envy

Our fear can also sometimes manifest as envy. While social comparison is a natural instinct, envy shows up when those comparisons become a source of unhappiness. We often feel envy when someone has something that we don’t and we’re afraid that we’re somehow lesser because of it. Studies on happiness suggest that “upward comparisons'' (when you compare yourself to someone you think is your superior) are especially detrimental to your well-being.

(Shortform note: Research has found that social media use drives social comparisons, resulting in more frequent feelings of envy. Social media often presents a distorted and idealized version of other people's lives, where individuals only share their best moments, accomplishments, and possessions. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity for some individuals, as they compare their lives to the seemingly perfect lives of others.)

Tutu and Dalai Lama differ in their opinion on the best way to address envy:

Tutu argues that envy is natural and that you should accept these emotions when they arise without feeling guilty. He suggests that you can counteract envy by practicing gratitude for what you already have, using envy as motivation to achieve your goals, or questioning why you’re envious in the first place.

The Dalai Lama, on the other hand, identifies envy as a negative emotion that you can and should avoid before it even arises. Envy, he explains, is born out of consumer culture. So if you focus more on the acquisition of experience and knowledge rather than material items, you are less likely to suffer from envy. He also recommends the Buddhist practice of mudita, or sympathetic kindness—celebrating the successes and happiness of others. The Dalai Lama emphasizes that joy is not a limited resource, and someone else’s joy should increase your joy, not diminish it.

Is It Possible to Suppress Negative Emotions?

Several studies have explored the impact of suppressing negative emotions. A 2009 study of individuals undergoing treatment for addiction and alcohol abuse found that participants who attempted to suppress alcohol-related impulses thought about alcohol more often. A similar study found that attempts to resist negative emotions led to an increase in self-destructive behavior.

Psychologists suggest that even if you manage to avoid thinking about negative emotions during the day, your subconscious mind may still actively dwell on them at night. For example, some studies have found that participants who were told to suppress unwanted thoughts were more likely to dream about whatever they attempted to suppress.

According to some psychologists, we may struggle to avoid negative emotions because they’ve been crucial to our survival. Pain, anxiety, fear, and even envy can alert us to potential health issues, threats to our well-being, or issues in our relationships.

The Second Truth: Suffering Is a Universal Human Experience

According to Tutu and the Dalai Lama, the second truth to accept is that suffering is inevitable and universal. Every person experiences suffering, whether it’s the loss of a loved one or the trauma of war. In response to suffering, we often feel negative emotions like sadness or loneliness. However, recognizing the shared experience of suffering can be a balm against it because suffering is one of the things that connects us to other people.

(Shortform note: Viktor Frankl, a survivor of a WWII concentration camp and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, explains that suffering is a subjective experience, meaning that there’s no objective measure of suffering. Whether you’ve lost your eyesight or your beloved childhood dog, you’ve suffered. Therefore, you can empathize with anyone’s experience of suffering, regardless of what their suffering looks like, or whether or not it’s the same as yours.)

Sadness

Sadness is often a source of suffering. However, Tutu and the Dalai Lama explain that while sadness and joy may seem like polar opposites, they’re actually inextricably linked. Sadness is often the direct route to empathy and compassion because grief and loss allow you to more clearly see your need and affection for other people. It’s often during periods of sadness or experiences of loss that we reach for one another for comfort or solidarity. Psychologists have found that mild sadness has a number of benefits, including better judgment, increased motivation, and greater generosity and well-being.

(Shortform note: Susan Cain delves into the relationship between joy and sadness in her book Bittersweet. She argues that bittersweetness, the feeling of longing or sorrow, helps us transcend personal and collective pain and build closer relationships with one another. When we refuse to acknowledge sadness, she explains, we run the risk of inadvertently causing harm, further isolating ourselves or others.)

Tutu and the Dalai Lama suggest finding meaning and purpose in your sadness. For example, when a loved one dies, use it as inspiration to be more intentional about living in ways that honor their memory. Grief can also act as a reminder of the richness of love. If you didn’t care deeply for someone, you’d feel nothing when they’re gone. Sadness reveals the depth of our capacity to love. (Shortform note: People living with depression often struggle to find or identify a sense of purpose. Psychologists recommend that if you’re feeling lost, it can help to do something for someone else, however small. For example, do a chore without being asked, call someone to check in, or give a stranger a compliment.)

Loneliness

According to Tutu and the Dalai Lama, sadness and loneliness often go hand in hand. The world is facing an epidemic of loneliness, which is further fueled by a culture of materialism that values production over connection, love, friendship, or community. (Shortform note: The Covid-19 pandemic exacerbated existing problems of social isolation and loneliness. Although the death tolls declined and many countries lifted their emergency declarations, immunocompromised people have continued to struggle with isolation, even after many of their friends and colleagues transitioned back to normal life.)

Understanding that suffering is universal can empower you to approach people with compassion and openness. Every person experiences suffering; therefore, regardless of a person’s actions, you have the opportunity to feel closer to them by showing compassion for the ways in which they’re suffering. (Shortform note: If you’re feeling lonely, start with self-compassion. Studies have shown that self-compassion—being kind to yourself—decreases loneliness, while self-judgment and negative self-talk lead to increased feelings of loneliness.)

The Third Truth: Suffering Can Lead to Insight or Opportunity

Suffering has the potential to leave you bitter or resentful, but if you choose to find meaning in your suffering, it can also give you the opportunity to grow. Tutu and the Dalai Lama argue that compassion and generosity of spirit rarely come without suffering. For example, if you’ve experienced what it’s like to be physically impaired, you’re more likely to feel compassion when someone else has a similar experience.

(Shortform note: If it feels impossible to find meaning in suffering, outside intervention can help. One study found that caregivers, such as nurses, who regularly interact with the suffering of other people, can help patients derive meaning from their pain by supporting them to construct a narrative around it. By listening to a patient’s story about an illness or injury, nurses can help them reflect on the experience and draw meaningful conclusions that improve the patient’s experience.)

When suffering truly feels pointless, Tutu and the Dalai Lama counsel to remember that suffering often leads to joy. They explain that joy is not the antithesis of suffering—it’s what comes after suffering. Experiencing something hard allows you to better appreciate moments of joy. For example, when you’ve experienced a temporary physical ailment, you’re even more grateful when you regain your health and mobility.

(Shortform note: The theory that people grow as a result of traumatic experiences, sometimes referred to as post-traumatic growth, is based on research on people’s self-perception of how they responded to trauma, with little evidence pointing to concrete changes. One systematic review of the research suggests that people grow in response to positive and traumatic experiences, suggesting that perhaps it’s human nature to evolve over the course of a lifetime, regardless of the quality of life experiences.)

Tutu and the Dalai Lama acknowledge that humanity’s fear and anxiety around death may be one of our greatest sources of suffering. Many of us live in fear of our own mortality. However, they explain, death is yet another part of life that’s beyond your control. It’s not only natural and inevitable, but necessary. As with other sources of suffering, you can find meaning in death. Knowing that our life spans are limited offers inspiration to live intentionally, in service of others, and, ultimately, in service of joy.

(Shortform note: In Being Mortal, Atul Gawande argues that the modern approach to death stems from our fear of dying and ultimately harms our personal and societal well-being. To approach dying better, he argues, we need to reorient our thinking from a future mindset to present mindset. A present-focused mindset, for example, might prioritize the immediate comfort of a patient over ongoing attempts to prolong their life. Refocusing on the present, Gawands explains, will enable us to live more fulfilling lives, right up until the very end.)