PDF Summary:Red Flags, Green Flags, by Ali Fenwick

Dating apps and the fast pace of modern society have made us much too eager to write people off at the first sign of imperfection. In Red Flags, Green Flags, psychologist Ali Fenwick addresses this problem by presenting a system that turns warning signs (“red flags”) into opportunities for reflection, and positive traits (“green flags”) into catalysts for stronger relationships.

We’ll start this guide by explaining how Fenwick’s system works. Then, we’ll examine why its effectiveness relies on your own self-awareness and personal growth. We’ll conclude by discussing how to apply it to personal, professional, and romantic relationships.

Our commentary will provide some background information about why these red and green flags tend to emerge in relationships and why they matter. We’ll also compare Fenwick’s principles with those of other influential relationship books, such as Difficult Conversations and All About Love. Finally, we’ll offer some strategies for applying Fenwick’s system to your relationships.

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Purposeful living: Devoting yourself fully to your personal values, goals, and passions. You'll recognize a healthy relationship when the other person supports your efforts to live with purpose (and you support them in return). Conversely, you’ll recognize toxic relationships because the other person will demand that you set aside your own purposes and only work to support them.

Self-Improvement Begins With Self-Reflection

Fenwick says personal growth starts with self-reflection. After all, you can’t work on improving yourself until you have a clear idea of what to improve and how to do it.

(Shortform note: The kind of self-reflection we’ll discuss here is different from the reflect step of the RED system. This section describes an ongoing process of deep thought about yourself and the patterns you tend to fall into, rather than a one-time exercise to examine a specific reaction that you had.)

One way to practice self-reflection is to ponder difficult questions that force you to think deeply about yourself and your behavior. When you find yourself repeatedly drawn to problematic situations or people, ask yourself things like: “Do I find this dysfunction exciting or familiar?” or “Do I see this person’s red flags in myself, and is that why we were drawn to each other?”

When answering such questions, don’t just settle for the first answer that comes to mind. For instance, say you have a friend who often “jokingly” insults you—think about whether you’re really having lighthearted fun together, or if you’re just enduring the insults in order to keep the peace.

(Shortform note: In Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix and Hellen LaKelly Hunt reveal another way that self-reflection can help you improve your relationships. They write that we tend to be drawn to people whom we hope will resolve our childhood traumas and unmet needs, but this often backfires. For example, if you didn’t have close friends in childhood, you might expect your current friends to spend all their time with you as if you’re still children with few responsibilities. When your friends don’t do so, you feel hurt and resentful toward them. In this example, self-reflection would allow you to realize why you have such extreme expectations of your friends, and help you understand that your demands are unreasonable.)

Fenwick also urges you to explore your personal deal-breakers in relationships and friendships. Consider both what behaviors you find unacceptable and why you have such strong feelings about them. This kind of honest self-examination helps you understand whether your reactions are reasonable, or if they’re the result of unresolved issues from your past.

Values-Based Boundary-Setting

While Fenwick’s approach to boundary-setting focuses on identifying specific behaviors that you find unacceptable, other relationship experts define personal boundaries more flexibly: They see boundary-setting as a continued effort to live by your values in your relationships.

Specifically, they caution against offering ultimatums when setting boundaries. Fenwick often frames boundary-setting in terms of defining unacceptable behaviors and enacting consequences in response, which could be seen as an ultimatum even though he doesn’t use that term.

In contrast, values-based boundary-setting focuses more on making an ongoing effort to honor your values, and less on specific behaviors and consequences. As part of this effort, you take time to share your values with the people in your life. In these conversations, use your values to explain why certain behaviors make you upset, and work collaboratively toward a solution that fits within your values.

Apply RED and GREEN to Different Situations

Now that you’re familiar with Fenwick’s RED and GREEN system, and how building self-awareness will let you use it more effectively, let’s explore how you can apply this system in three of the most important relationship types: those with friends and family, with coworkers, and with romantic partners.

Relationship Type #1: Family and Friends

The first relationships Fenwick discusses are those with your family and close friends. We’ll start by explaining some common warning signs that such a relationship might be toxic, then move on to describing what a healthy relationship with a family member or friend looks like.

Red Flags From Family and Friends

First of all, a major warning sign of an unhealthy relationship is when a family member or friend doesn’t respect your autonomy. Fenwick says such people will try to interfere in your decisions and tell you what to do, even after you ask them to give you space. This includes parents who refuse to treat you like a competent adult, and anyone who tries to coerce or trick you into doing what they think you should do instead of letting you reach your own conclusions.

Another common tactic in unhealthy relationships is emotional manipulation: the person uses guilt trips, emotional blackmail, or phrases like “you owe me” to control your behavior. Such actions turn your natural, healthy feelings of love and gratitude against you.

(Shortform note: In The Let Them Theory, self-help expert Mel Robbins suggests handling coercive and manipulative people by remembering two simple phrases: “let them” and “let me.” These two phrases create a framework for you to let go of the need to control the people around you, and to recognize that they’re similarly powerless to control you. For instance, when someone tries to make decisions for you after you’ve repeatedly asked them not to, just let them. You then say “let me,” which means you make your own decisions about how to proceed, up to and including cutting people off, as we discussed earlier in this guide.)

Finally, Fenwick says it should raise alarms when people engage in malicious gossip, spread hurtful rumors, or put people down rather than addressing problems with them directly. Beware of this kind of behavior even if it doesn’t seem to be directed at you—if your family or friends gossip about people who aren’t around, they probably talk about you behind your back.

(Shortform note: Fenwick urges you to beware of people who spread harmful gossip, but he doesn’t offer much concrete advice on how to deal with them besides cutting off contact. However, there are several strategies you can use in the moment to shut down gossip: Deflect the conversation to another topic, clearly show your disinterest, express your discomfort with the conversation, and question the gossiper about where they got their information and why they’re sharing it. Any of these methods can help you avoid hearing sensitive information about someone else, and they can protect your reputation by making it clear that you’re not involved in the rumors.)

Green Flags From Family and Friends

Along with his warning signs to watch out for in your relationships with family and friends, Fenwick provides some key signals that you have a healthy relationship based on his GREEN framework.

For one thing, if you have a strong and healthy relationship with someone, you feel secure in having honest, genuine conversations. The two of you can discuss difficult topics frankly, because you trust each other not to be manipulative or (intentionally) hurtful, even during vulnerable moments. As a result, you can work together to resolve conflicts instead of fighting with one another.

(Shortform note: For people who haven’t had much experience in healthy relationships, what Fenwick describes here may not come easily. However, in Fierce Conversations, leadership coach Susan Scott offers advice that can apply to any intimate conversation. First, she says to give the other person your full attention. If the person you’re talking to senses you’re distracted, they’ll be reluctant to engage honestly. Next, she says to say what you mean without vague, negative, or manipulative language. Lastly, Scott recommends building silence into the conversation so you can process and reflect on what the other person says, identify the most important thing to discuss next, and ensure that both of you have the chance to speak.)

Fenwick also puts a great deal of emphasis on the idea that healthy relationships involve a natural process of give-and-take where everyone contributes and receives support. This ties into the elevating aspect of a good relationship: Each of you helps the other and accepts their help in return.

The balance of how much each person gives and takes will shift from day to day, but it should be fundamentally fair over time. For example, if your friend is sick, you might bring them food, keep them company, or help out with household chores. Ideally, they’ll do the same for you on days when you’re not feeling well.

How to Repair an Unbalanced Relationship

If you feel like your relationship with someone else is unbalanced, it’s important to determine where those feelings are coming from and address them. First, you and the other person should honestly and objectively evaluate your relationship. Discuss what each of you contributes, and see whether one person is taking more than they give overall.

Next, if the relationship is unbalanced, whoever benefits more than they contribute must step up to address that imbalance. On the other hand, if the relationship is balanced, figure out why one person feels like it’s not—for instance, perhaps one of you doesn’t express appreciation for the other’s contributions. Finally, the two of you may need to resolve any lingering resentments or other negative feelings toward each other. This step is necessary regardless of whether the relationship imbalance was objectively real or only perceived.

Relationship Type #2: Professional Relationships

The next relationships that Fenwick discusses are professional relationships. These can include colleagues, supervisors, or anyone else you regularly interact with at work. The hierarchy of a workplace often adds an extra layer of complexity to relationships, especially with those who have authority over you.

As before, we’ll start by discussing some common warning signs of a toxic workplace, then move on to describing how a healthy workplace relationship should be.

Red Flags in the Workplace

Fenwick says that toxic relationships in the workplace can be just as harmful to your well-being as toxic relationships with your friends and family. To help you recognize and navigate these issues, he provides some examples of common hurtful behaviors that you might come across.

First of all, many toxic workplaces don’t respect their employees’ boundaries. This is essentially the same issue as with family and friends who don’t respect your boundaries, but it manifests differently in a professional setting. Common red flags include managers who demand constant availability with no regard for your work-life balance, and bosses who use manipulative language like “we’re a family here” to demand excessive loyalty and self-sacrifice. These flags signal that your workplace expects you to put the company’s needs above your own.

(Shortform note: It can be difficult and uncomfortable to tell your boss “no,” but there are ways to protect your boundaries while remaining professional and protecting your reputation. First, when your boss approaches you with a new task or project, ask for a day to think about it. Consider whether that new assignment will benefit you (for instance, by teaching new skills), or would it just be a favor for your boss? Next, if you decide to say no, clearly explain why you had to do so. Finally, if possible, bring hard data to back up your decision. For instance, don’t just say that you won’t have time; show your boss your schedule so they can clearly see you don’t have enough time to do what they’re asking.)

Next, Fenwick says to watch out for jobs that manipulate their employees rather than treating them honestly and fairly. For example, one common practice is to frequently change goals and how they’re tracked. This is often a way for bosses to avoid paying out bonuses or to punish employees they don’t like, regardless of their actual job performance.

Also, try to recognize when a company doesn’t keep its promises, especially when it comes to job advancement. For instance, your supervisor or manager might constantly promise that you’ll get promoted soon, then always have some excuse for why it didn’t happen during the latest round of promotions.

(Shortform note: It’s often hard to spot a company that takes advantage of its workers, since it will invariably try to project a good image for prospective employees. One way to avoid toxic workplaces is to compare what that company’s job listings promise against its actual policies; for instance, if an employer offers you a lower pay rate than was advertised, it’s likely that the company will break other promises as well. Another strategy is to ask current or former employees about their experiences, and see how well their stories support or refute the way the company presents itself.)

Finally, the author says micromanagers—bosses who get overly involved in your work and insist you do everything their way—are a common sign of a toxic work environment. Micromanagement isn’t just annoying, it’s a sign that your supervisor doesn’t trust you to work independently. Such people prioritize their own need for control over their workers’ autonomy and well-being, which creates an environment where people can’t thrive or grow to their full potential.

(Shortform note: While micromanagement often indicates a toxic workplace, try not to jump straight to that worst-case conclusion. Instead, use these strategies to improve your relationship with a micromanaging boss: First, try to understand why they’re micromanaging you in the first place—for instance, perhaps they’re just new to the role and need to work on their management skills. It’s also helpful to ask your boss for feedback and see if there’s some concrete reason why they feel they need to watch you so closely. Finally, try to prove that you’re trustworthy by anticipating your boss’s needs and addressing them proactively, before they even have a chance to micromanage you.)

Green Flags in the Workplace

After discussing some common red flags that show up in professional settings, Fenwick shows how you might apply his GREEN framework to the workplace.

To start, Fenwick says that healthy workplace relationships begin with respect for employees and colleagues. This green flag is, in essence, the opposite of the red flags we discussed before: Your manager should honor your need for work-life balance, rather than demanding that you always be reachable to discuss problems or cover shifts. Similarly, your supervisor should respect you enough to trust that you can handle your own work and refrain from micromanaging you.

As a rule of thumb, a respectful work environment is one where leadership focuses on outcomes rather than processes. In other words, as long as you’re meeting your goals, there’s no reason to demand that you put in extra work or try to control how you work.

Building on this foundation of mutual respect, the author says healthy workplace relationships flourish through transparency and reliability—which really means that people are genuine with each other. For example, company leadership should set goals for you that are clear and challenging, but achievable. There should also be clear documentation of any conversations and agreements between you and your supervisor. This ensures that everyone’s clear about what they expect from each other, so your goals won’t suddenly change and your boss can’t go back on their promises.

Fenwick concludes that this workplace culture of authentic care and follow-through naturally elevates employee performance by developing their skills while protecting their well-being from burnout, discouragement, and undue stress. High-performing employees, in turn, elevate the company’s reputation and profits.

The Hierarchy of Business Needs

Fenwick’s list of green flags in the workplace closely resembles the human-focused business principles that Gary Hamel and Michele Zanini espouse in Humanocracy. They outline a hierarchy of needs that all businesses must meet if they want to succeed. Much like Maslow’s famous hierarchy of human needs, this hierarchy begins with fundamental needs (what a business needs to survive) and builds up to what businesses need to thrive.

Hamel and Zanini’s hierarchy has six levels. The bottom three, the fundamental needs, are:

Tier 1: Compliance. Employees follow laws, regulations, and best practices.

Tier 2: Conscientiousness. People at every level of the company are trustworthy, and their job performance is consistent.

Tier 3: Proficiency. Employees do their jobs well.

These basic needs, particularly compliance and conscientiousness, mirror the green flag of being genuine. Frontline workers are genuine when they do their work honestly, without cheating or cutting corners, and demonstrate that they’re reliable employees. Similarly, company leadership is genuine when managers and executives (from supervisors to the CEO) are honest, keep their promises, and treat their subordinates fairly.

The top three levels of Hamel and Zanini’s hierarchy (which allow a business to thrive instead of just function) are:

Tier 4: Proactiveness. Instead of waiting to be told what to do, employees are empowered to take action and solve problems on their own.

Tier 5: Ingenuity. Employees understand their roles and the organization’s needs well enough to come up with creative new solutions to problems, and company leadership encourages them to do so.

Tiers 4 and 5 closely align with respect, one of Fenwick’s green flags: Your boss respects you enough to let you handle your own work, and doesn’t feel the need to micromanage you.

Tier 6: Courage. Employees are willing and able to implement risky ideas, and take accountability for the results—positive or negative. This is how workers elevate their performance beyond mere compliance and proficiency; they experiment, learn what works and what doesn’t, and use those results to further hone their job skills. In doing so, they also become more valuable assets for their employer.

Relationship Type #3: Romantic Relationships

The final type of relationship Fenwick covers is the romantic relationship. While strong feelings and hopes for the future can complicate these relationships, the warning signs and green flags—as well as the author’s system for handling them—remain essentially the same.

Red Flags From Romantic Partners

Healthy romantic relationships start with a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and connection. Therefore, Fenwick’s warning signs all relate to behaviors that undermine those basic needs.

The first thing the author warns you to be careful of is a romantic partner who tries to manipulate or control you. If you feel the need to carefully watch everything you say or do, it’s likely that you’re in a relationship with an overly controlling person.

There are numerous methods a controlling partner might use to keep you obedient. These may be overt behaviors like intimidation and abuse, but also include manipulative tactics such as extreme jealousy and “love bombing,” where they shower you with excessive affection and then withdraw it. Love bombing makes you want to go to great lengths to please your partner in the hopes that they’ll start showing you that heightened level of love and passion again.

(Shortform note: It’s often hard to recognize or accept red flags in a romantic partner, and it’s tempting to look for ways to rationalize and excuse their abusive behavior. However, in Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—says that overly controlling partners usually don’t have some deep-seated trauma or mental illness driving their actions. Generally speaking, abusers are just extremely selfish; they understand exactly what they’re doing and are in full control of their actions. This helps explain why enforcing consequences is an effective way to protect yourself: a self-centered person won’t change their behavior until they realize it’s also hurting them.)

Fenwick says the second major warning sign of a toxic partner is that they betray your trust. This might simply mean they habitually lie to you, but there are any number of other ways for people to destroy the mutual trust that a healthy relationship needs. If your partner’s behavior leads you to doubt whether they’re generally honest and trustworthy, it may be time to reconsider your relationship.

A partner who cheats on you, or plays dating games like suddenly cutting off contact (ghosting) or giving you just enough attention to keep you interested (breadcrumbing) is showing that they put their own wants above basic respect and honesty. Such people might also refuse to clearly define your relationship in order to keep you confused and hanging on, or they use guilt trips and emotional tricks to avoid taking responsibility when they make mistakes.

(Shortform note: It’s often hard to say for sure whether someone’s betraying your trust, especially when there’s not a specific, dramatic betrayal that you can point to. In these situations, your intuition is your best guide—you’ll often subconsciously notice warning signs that your rational mind doesn’t process. So, if you have a nagging sense that your partner is lying or taking advantage of you, there’s a good chance they really are. In The Gift of Fear, security specialist Gavin de Becker writes that you should always trust your instincts when they warn you that someone’s untrustworthy or even dangerous; that “gut feeling” comes from keenly honed survival instincts, and it’s more accurate than many people think.)

Finally, Fenwick says you should beware of people who struggle with genuine emotional connection. Such people will get into relationships just to meet their own needs, rather than because they actually love and value their romantic partners.

There are various reasons why people can’t form real connections. For example, someone might be emotionally shut down from past trauma, they might value drama more than love, or they might get into relationships for unhealthy reasons like the fear of being alone. Regardless of the reasons for their behavior, if you feel like you’re being taken advantage of, it’s time to apply Fenwick’s RED method.

(Shortform note: The inability to form emotional connections and the tendency to pursue one’s own desires at others’ expense are common traits of narcissism. In severe cases, narcissism presents as a narcissistic personality disorder, which can have devastating effects on the narcissist’s family members and romantic partners. Warning signs of such a disorder include your partner being extremely preoccupied with their self-image, displaying no empathy for your feelings and hardships, and being completely unwilling or unable to own up to their mistakes.)

Green Flags From Romantic Partners

Fenwick’s warning signs about romantic partners have to do with a lack of respect, trust, and connection, so green flags in a romantic relationship are the opposite: behaviors that support and strengthen those fundamental needs. These include:

• Open, honest communication: You both feel safe discussing difficult topics such as insecurities, needs, boundaries, and past conflicts. You trust one another to handle difficult subjects with respect and care, and to avoid manipulative or coercive tactics. In other words, you know that neither of you is trying to “win” the conversation—you’re working together to address an issue.
• Mutual respect and support: You and your partner honor each other’s boundaries, values, and emotional needs. You show patience and empathy by helping each other through difficult times, which strengthens the relationship rather than letting those periods of stress and hardship drive a wedge between you.
• Emotional maturity and self-awareness: Both of you are willing and able to acknowledge your personal problems (like trauma responses or insecurities), take accountability for your actions, and take responsibility for your own healing. In other words, you don’t blame each other for your own issues, and you don’t expect the other person to “fix” you.
• Shared values and commitment: You agree on basic expectations for the relationship such as fidelity and respect, and demonstrate your commitment to each other by upholding those expectations. Both you and your partner value the relationship’s well-being over the momentary pleasures of acting on your selfish impulses.

Alternate Approach: Be Your Partner’s Best Friend

Fenwick lists numerous green flags to look for in a romantic relationship, but there are other ways to approach this issue. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman and Silver say that the key to a happy marriage is to focus on being good friends with your partner, a concept they call marital friendship.

When romantic partners are also good friends—people who hold each other in high esteem and genuinely enjoy their time together—they develop what the authors call “positive sentiment override”" (PSO). This means each partner generally assumes that the other has good intentions and is doing their best. Here’s how marital friendship and PSO directly enable each of the green flags we previously discussed:

Open, honest communication: When you trust your partner’s positive intentions, you feel safer discussing difficult topics because you believe they’re not trying to manipulate you or “win” a discussion with you. PSO ensures that challenging conversations are approached collaboratively rather than defensively.

Mutual respect and support: High esteem for your partner naturally leads to honoring their boundaries and needs. When you genuinely appreciate them, you’re more likely to show patience during hardships rather than letting stress create distance.

Emotional maturity: A strong friendship foundation encourages accountability because you trust your partner will respond constructively. PSO means you interpret their feedback charitably, making it easier to acknowledge personal issues without feeling attacked.

Shared values and commitment: Genuinely appreciating your time together strengthens your commitment to the relationship’s well-being over momentary impulses. The friendship itself becomes something worth protecting.

In short, Gottman and Silver’s principle of marital friendship creates a strong foundation of emotional safety and goodwill, and Fenwick’s green flag behaviors can emerge naturally from it.