PDF Summary:Is There a Narcissist in Your Life, by Amanda Clymont

If you've ever felt confused, hurt, or trapped in a relationship where someone alternates between showering you with affection and treating you cruelly, you may be dealing with a narcissist. In Is There a Narcissist in Your Life, Amanda Clymont explains how narcissists use manipulation tactics to control and isolate their victims, creating powerful emotional bonds that are difficult to break.

Clymont describes the patterns narcissists follow—from initial charm to devaluation and discard—and explores the various tactics they use to maintain power, including emotional manipulation, reality distortion, and enlisting others to support their narrative. She also examines how narcissistic family dynamics create lasting effects that persist into adulthood. Throughout, Clymont provides guidance on recognizing warning signs, understanding how these relationships function, and taking steps toward recovery and disengagement.

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(Shortform note: Some therapists, such as Michael White and David Epston, authors of Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends, would disagree with the use of these labels. They argue that labels like these are problematic because they reduce a person’s identity to a single characteristic. Instead, they suggest describing the relationship patterns that exist within a family.)

The status of the favored sibling is unchanging. Even when they grow up, the others will have to hear endless stories about the success of the golden child, regardless of the truth. The scapegoated child will perpetually remain in that role, continually subjected to humiliation, being demeaned, questioned, and criticized, regardless of their actions or achievements. Children who are ignored stay in that position, which results in them being forgotten and frequently left out of family gatherings. The siblings remain toxic toward one another—a dynamic that began in childhood—causing tension and awkwardness at family dinners and reunions.

Are Family Roles Fixed for Life?

In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson argues that the roles of golden child, scapegoat, and ignored child aren’t necessarily fixed for life. She explains that as adults gain insight into their parents’ emotional immaturity and begin to emotionally differentiate from their family of origin, they are no longer limited to the narrow identity they were given in childhood. By developing self-definition, setting clear boundaries, and choosing healthier ways of relating, they can step out of those old family roles and create more authentic, mutually respectful relationships in the present.

Manipulative and Controlling Behaviors

Next, Clymont explores the different tactics narcissists use for manipulation and control, both direct and indirect, as well as the formation of trauma bonds and their impact.

Direct Tactics of Manipulation

Clymont explains that people with narcissism leverage anger and intimidation to dominate others. They may bang their fists on the desk, scream at you, or humiliate you for disagreeing with them.

(Shortform note: In Coercive Control, Evan Stark argues that domestic violence is best understood as a course of conduct in which one person uses a range of tactics—such as isolation, deprivation, exploitation, and the micro-regulation of everyday routines—to subjugate a partner by stripping away autonomy and basic liberties. Stark argues that the victim becomes entrapped in a hostage-like condition where resistance or escape appears impossible.)

Next, Clymont explores covert tactics that narcissists use, including psychological manipulation and erosion of reality.

Covert Tactics: Emotional Manipulation and Erosion of Reality

Clymont explains that narcissists use psychological manipulation to cut you off from your sources of support, making you increasingly reliant on them. They may physically relocate you from your loved ones or emotionally distance you from them by telling lies. They might also try to keep you from spending time with others by saying they can't stand being away from you. Ultimately, they'll persuade you that the isolation is your doing.

(Shortform note: Another way narcissists can cut you off from your sources of support is by using technology to monitor your communications. According to researchers, abusers can use technology to monitor your phone calls, text messages, and social media activity. They may install spyware on your devices, demand access to your accounts, or use GPS tracking to monitor your location. This constant surveillance can make you feel like you have no privacy, leading you to gradually stop having private conversations with friends and family.)

Additionally, Clymont highlights how narcissists erode your confidence and sense of reality, furthering your dependence on them. They make you feel unstable by mixing criticism with compliments and comparing you unfavorably to others, making you feel insecure. They blame you for problems in the relationship, making you feel at fault, and they make you believe you won't find another love like this, so you stay in the relationship even though you're unhappy.

How Emotional Inconsistency Fuels Attachment

In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explain that when your attachment system is repeatedly activated by a partner’s emotional inconsistency—when they are sometimes responsive and caring and at other times withdrawing, unpredictable, or withholding—it creates a powerful cycle in which anxiety and longing intensify, your thoughts become increasingly focused on that person, and any occasional reassurance or affection they offer is experienced as especially rewarding, so that the very pattern of intermittent comfort and uncertainty strengthens your emotional bond and amplifies your drive to seek closeness and security from them, particularly when you are sensitive to rejection or abandonment.

Indirect Tactics of Control and Image Management

External Manipulation Tactics

Clymont discusses how narcissists enlist others to exert power and influence over people. Flying monkeys are people who flatter and back the narcissist, helping them manipulate others. These people can be friends or family members, and narcissists are adept at converting people who once supported you into allies. These flying monkeys believe the narcissist’s lies and make you out to be the bad guy, which can make a breakup even harder to bear.

(Shortform note: In The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner discusses how people in conflict often recruit a third party to help them manage their anxiety. This process, called triangulation, is a common way that families and other groups deal with conflict.)

Another tactic Clymont mentions is gaslighting, which makes you doubt your perceptions. This type of mental manipulation makes you doubt your own judgment. Narcissists might ridicule your emotions, discount your achievements, deny things that happened, or insist that they told you something when they didn’t. They might also divert your attention from your feelings or sugarcoat unhealthy situations.

(Shortform note: If someone denies that something happened or downplays your emotions, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re gaslighting you. If they’re not trying to make you doubt your perceptions and judgment, then they’re not gaslighting you.)

Clymont also describes future faking, where narcissists make promises about the future they don't intend to keep. This tactic makes you believe they are a good person invested in your well-being.

(Shortform note: Clymont says that future faking makes you believe the narcissist is a good person invested in your well-being. However, it’s possible that someone who describes a shared future with you is not future faking but is instead self-deceived.)

Lastly, Clymont explains hoovering, where a narcissist attempts to maintain contact with you after a breakup to keep you emotionally attached in case they want to use you for sex or attention in the future. This tactic is manipulative and deceptive. It gives you hope that they're into you when they’re not. They might send you a text, flowers, or something nice, and they might not even follow up. They're merely making you aware that they exist. If you answer, they might ignore you, deliberately doing this to stroke their ego. Clymont suggests blocking the narcissist to prevent them from hoovering you.

The Potential Dangers of Blocking a Narcissist

While blocking a narcissist can prevent them from hoovering you, it can also have unintended consequences. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) explains that blocking a narcissist can sometimes lead to harassment or stalking. To protect yourself, NDVH recommends creating a safety plan before cutting off contact. This plan should include strategies for your physical, emotional, and digital safety. For example, you might change your phone number, adjust your social media privacy settings, and inform trusted friends or family members about the situation.

Underlying Mechanisms of Control

The Formation and Persistence of Traumatic Connections

According to Clymont, trauma bonds form through cycles of abusive and kind behavior. A traumatic bond is a powerful emotional connection between an abuser and their victim. These bonds develop through recurring patterns of cruelty, devaluation, and kindness. The individual feels distressed and finds it hard to understand their feelings. They might wish to leave the relationship but believe they can't.

(Shortform note: In The Betrayal Bond, Patrick J. Carnes explains that betrayal bonds form because the same person becomes both the perceived source of safety and the source of fear. The nervous system learns to associate holding on to the abuser with staying alive. The more intense the danger and dependency, the more the nervous system clings to that relationship. This is why separating from a betrayal bond can feel like a life-threatening loss and can produce withdrawal symptoms similar to those seen in other addictions.)

Clymont adds that trauma bonds make it hard to end things with a narcissistic partner. Narcissists alternate between abuse and kindness, resulting in intense emotions that are difficult to understand. You might feel attached to the narcissist and unable to separate.

(Shortform note: In The Betrayal Bond, Patrick J. Carnes explains that to break a trauma bond, you must confront reality. He recommends keeping a journal with two columns: In one column, write down the kind things your partner does.)

Strategies for Disengagement and Recovery

Clymont suggests learning about narcissistic traits to aid your healing. Understanding narcissism helps you recognize how you were manipulated, preventing you from blaming yourself or letting the narcissist have another opportunity.

(Shortform note: To make learning about narcissistic traits a daily healing practice, try this: After reading about one trait, take a few minutes to notice what sensations arise in your body as you recall it. In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk explains that healing from trauma requires developing a curious, nonjudgmental awareness of the physical sensations that arise in the body.)

Next, Clymont explains how to recognize warning signs and patterns associated with narcissism, allowing you to identify narcissists around you.

Recognizing the Need for Disengagement

Identifying Red Flags and Patterns

Clymont suggests recognizing the warning signs of narcissism to identify narcissists around you. She explains that narcissistic individuals are arrogant, selfish, and jealous of others. They disregard your emotions yet react defensively to criticism. They want you to concur with them on all matters and dismiss any differing opinions. They enjoy being the focus and get upset if ignored. They desire your flattery and get upset if you fail to do so. They constantly make comparisons with others and are highly aware of status. They consistently crave affirmation and comfort.

(Shortform note: It’s possible for someone to display these behaviors without being a narcissist. For example, someone going through a short-term crisis may become so overwhelmed that they seem arrogant, selfish, and preoccupied with reassurance. They might dismiss your feelings, demand agreement, and seek constant affirmation. However, these behaviors are temporary and not part of their usual personality. Once the crisis passes, they return to their normal, considerate selves.)

Clymont adds that those with narcissism refuse to acknowledge responsibility for mistakes or misconduct. They have little to no friendships. They speed through relationships. They're completely selfish and use others for their benefit. They anticipate that everything will align with their preferences and wishes. They expect you to live where they choose, drive the car they pick, and dress according to their recommendations.

(Shortform note: These descriptions may be less reliable for people with narcissism who function well in their careers or community roles. In these contexts, they may pursue prestige by appearing agreeable and considerate, which can lead them to maintain numerous long-standing friendships and occasionally accept blame when it benefits their standing.)