PDF Summary:If Someone Says "You Complete Me," RUN!, by Whoopi Goldberg

In her book If Someone Says "You Complete Me," RUN!, Whoopi Goldberg examines the ways media depictions of romance create unrealistic relationship expectations—and lays out a pragmatic approach to navigating the enduring challenges of long-term partnerships.

Goldberg encourages readers to differentiate between the fleeting excitement of new relationships and the stability required for lasting commitment. She advises developing self-awareness before pursuing others, emphasizes open communication from the start, and guides couples to identify potential incompatibilities. Goldberg also discusses sensitive topics like intimacy, finances, and separating responsibly when a relationship ends.

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Goldberg advocates for establishing a foundation of honesty and openness at the relationship's inception. This includes openly discussing important personal information, goals, aspirations, and any potential dealbreakers that could impact long-term compatibility. By clearly communicating your requirements, hopes, and possible obstacles, you create a bedrock of honesty and trust, enabling both individuals to make knowledgeable choices regarding their partnership.

Creating a culture of truth-telling, where both partners feel safe to express their feelings and needs

Open and honest dialogue is crucial for fostering an environment where each partner has the freedom to share their feelings, needs, and concerns, all of which are vital for the development and fortification of their bond. Goldberg underscores the significance of fostering an environment that holds and cherishes truthfulness. This fosters an environment conducive to mutual comprehension, which facilitates the resolution and conclusion of problems.

Identifying and confronting indicators that suggest incompatibility or potential problems.

The book underscores the necessity of recognizing and addressing initial indicators that might foreshadow subsequent disharmony or problems within a relationship. It underscores the necessity of being vigilant about these signs and responding accordingly.

Heeding initial instincts and being mindful of warning signs

Goldberg underscores the significance of heeding one's inner voice and remaining vigilant for any possible red flags when involved in a romantic partnership. Should you regularly experience discomfort, observe erratic behavior from your partner, or find yourself frequently managing conflicts, it's crucial to be mindful of these red flags. Goldberg argues that we possess an innate ability to judge what is suitable or unsuitable in a relationship, and emphasizes the importance of paying attention to these instincts and addressing the concerns they uncover.

Possessing the bravery to leave behind partnerships that prove to be detrimental or unviable.

Goldberg recommends courageously concluding relationships that are clearly harmful or not workable, despite the potential emotional difficulty involved. Recognizing the significance of distancing oneself from a partnership that fails to enhance your well-being, regardless of emotional ties or external expectations, is crucial for achieving lasting contentment and satisfaction.

Other Perspectives

• While self-awareness is important, it can sometimes lead to overthinking or self-doubt, which may hinder the natural flow of a relationship.
• The concept of being a "complete individual" before entering a relationship can be unrealistic, as personal growth is often ongoing and can be enhanced through the experiences gained within a relationship.
• Relationships can also be a journey of self-discovery, and one does not necessarily need to have a full understanding of their identity, needs, and limits beforehand.
• Seeking a partner can sometimes help individuals discover and fill emotional voids in a healthy way, as long as it's not the sole purpose of the relationship.
• Overemphasis on transparency and communication at the beginning of a relationship can sometimes create pressure and reduce the natural unfolding of mutual understanding.
• Disclosing too much personal information and dealbreakers upfront can be overwhelming and may not allow for the natural growth and flexibility that relationships often require.
• A culture of truth-telling is ideal, but it must be balanced with tact and consideration for the other person's feelings to avoid unnecessary hurt.
• Some indicators of incompatibility can be worked through with communication and compromise, rather than being immediate dealbreakers.
• Initial instincts can sometimes be based on past traumas or fears rather than the present reality, and may not always be the best guide for current relationship decisions.
• Ending relationships hastily on the basis of perceived harm or viability can sometimes preclude the possibility of resolving issues that could lead to a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Dealing with financial matters and intimacy within relationships.

This section explores the complex dynamics of power, economics, and closeness in relationships, encouraging people to address these issues openly and to develop a solid understanding of their personal needs and perspectives.

Grasping the intricate dynamics of financial matters and intimacy within relationships.

Goldberg recognizes the subtle yet significant links between authority, financial matters, and intimacy within partnerships.

Recognizing the traditional practice of trading these goods in the framework of intimate relationships.

Throughout history, intimate relations intertwined with financial gains have frequently characterized the essence of partnerships. Goldberg highlights the conventional gender roles that frequently governed these interactions. Goldberg underscores the importance of scrutinizing our relationships to confirm that they rest on a foundation of reciprocal respect and parity, instead of being grounded solely in transactional behaviors.

Recognizing the moment when a relationship transitions from a foundation of mutual fondness and respect to something resembling a contractual agreement is crucial.

Goldberg advises her audience to cultivate the ability to identify when a relationship starts to be dominated by the dynamics of power, financial benefits, or sexual exchanges instead of authentic affection and esteem. A strong and fulfilling union must be grounded in a deeper connection, where these aspects can exist but should not constitute the core basis of the partnership. Understanding these dynamics equips you with the ability to deliberately decide what behaviors and conditions you will tolerate within a partnership.

Creating and maintaining distinct financial limits and agreements within a partnership.

This part emphasizes the importance of transparent and forthright dialogue regarding financial matters in a partnership to avert possible disputes and create a strong base for the joint handling of assets.

Deciding on joint vs. separate accounts and agreeing on financial responsibilities

Goldberg advises that from the very beginning, couples engage in candid conversations about finances and set definitive financial limits. Couples need to consciously decide how to manage their joint or separate finances and agree on a method for sharing fiscal responsibilities. Initiating dialogue at an early stage can help avert future disputes and cultivate a collaborative atmosphere where both parties collaboratively oversee mutual assets.

Safeguarding individual wealth by establishing agreements before marriage to prevent potential disputes.

Goldberg encourages the drafting of agreements before marriage to safeguard one's substantial personal assets. She emphasizes that a prenuptial agreement should be seen as a prudent step to ensure fair and equitable division of assets in the event the marriage dissolves, rather than a sign of mistrust. By proactively tackling these matters, couples can circumvent possible disputes while safeguarding their individual economic concerns.

Fostering a genuine and open attitude towards physical closeness and sexual relations.

This part emphasizes the significance of candid dialogue and flexibility in matters of intimacy and sexuality for enduring partnerships.

In lasting relationships, it's essential to recognize that sexual attraction and compatibility can change over time.

Goldberg acknowledges that the dynamics of physical attraction and compatibility in a partnership can fluctuate because of various factors, including life changes, stress, and natural changes to the body. She underscores the importance of recognizing these changes and engaging in candid discussions to preserve a satisfying and robust sexual partnership.

Communicating openly about sexual needs and finding mutually satisfying compromises

Goldberg encourages partners to have open conversations regarding their individual desires and anticipations related to intimacy and physical relations. When discrepancies in libido or sexual preferences arise, she emphasizes the importance of finding mutually satisfying compromises. This might involve finding strategies to deepen intimacy, seeking professional counseling, or altering one's perspective to accept the natural evolution that relationships undergo.

Practical Tips

• You can create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to navigate financial and intimate aspects together. Start by sitting down with your partner and drawing a literal map or timeline of your relationship's past, present, and future. Include milestones like moving in together, financial goals, and discussions about intimacy. This visual aid can help both of you see where you've been and where you're headed, making it easier to identify areas that need more balance or transparency.
• Develop a "financial intimacy" game to make conversations about money more engaging. Design a simple card game where each card has a question or prompt related to finances and intimacy. For example, one card could ask, "What does financial security mean to you?" while another could be, "Share one way we can improve our intimacy without spending money." Take turns drawing cards and answering the questions to foster open dialogue in a fun, low-pressure setting.
• Initiate a monthly "relationship check-in" where you and your partner dedicate time to discuss your evolving needs and feelings. Set aside an evening each month to talk about any changes in your sexual attraction, compatibility, or financial situation. Use this time to express any concerns, discuss compromises, and adjust your relationship roadmap as needed. This regular practice can help maintain a strong connection and prevent small issues from becoming larger problems.

Ending a romantic involvement while maintaining bonds with the people who are nearest to you.

This section of the book provides guidance on ending a relationship thoughtfully and respectfully, with a strong emphasis on prioritizing the well-being of children and maintaining amicable connections with ex-partners.

Ending a relationship with dignity and thoughtfulness once it has reached its natural conclusion.

Goldberg advises that individuals should handle the conclusion of a romantic partnership with dignity, politeness, and grown-up behavior. She encourages concluding a relationship with respect and consideration for the other individual, avoiding bitterness, blame, and the urge to retaliate or strike back.

Release any bitterness, avoid placing blame, and resist the urge to seek vengeance against a past partner.

Goldberg suggests focusing on personal healing and advancement when a love affair ends, rather than clinging to adverse emotions such as bitterness or resentment. Harboring negative feelings and seeking retribution against an ex-lover proves to be fruitless. While emotions will inevitably be involved, focusing on constructive and respectful separation will ultimately be more beneficial for both parties.

Maintaining connections with friends and family members continues to be important, even when a romantic relationship has ended.

Goldberg underscores the idea that concluding a romantic partnership doesn't have to mean cutting off all connections with a former significant other, particularly when mutual friends and relatives play a role. When possible, she advocates for approaching these relationships with dignity and thoughtfulness to foster a constructive and encouraging atmosphere.

Maintaining connections with children following the end of an intimate relationship.

This section focuses on the importance of prioritizing the well-being of children when a relationship ends, emphasizing the need for responsible co-parenting and avoiding conflicts that negatively impact them.

Prioritizing the wellbeing of children over personal grievances

Goldberg emphasizes the paramount importance of putting the needs of children first when a partnership dissolves. Despite the emotional challenges of separating from a partner, parents must strive to shield their children from unnecessary conflict and ensure that the environment remains stable and nurturing for their offspring. This involves setting aside personal grievances and prioritizing their children's best interests above all else.

Setting aside differences to co-parent effectively and avoid using children as pawns

Parents who co-parent effectively often need to put their disagreements aside and cooperate for their children's welfare. Goldberg cautions against using children as pawns in post-separation conflicts or weaponizing custody arrangements. Consistent and open communication, mutual respect, and a shared focus on creating a healthy environment for children are essential for successful co-parenting.

Maintaining a friendship with an individual you previously dated can present complexities.

Goldberg proposes that, given specific circumstances and reflecting on the history of previous romantic connections, maintaining a non-romantic friendship with an ex-partner could be possible.

Assessing the mutual benefits inherent in a relationship that is founded on friendship.

Goldberg suggests thoughtfully evaluating the possibility and mutual advantages of maintaining a true friendship with a former partner. Sometimes, the reasons for the relationship ending, lingering resentments, or incompatible future paths might make maintaining a friendship challenging or even detrimental. Engaging in transparent and sincere conversations can assist in deciding if one can maintain a friendship after ending a romantic relationship.

Establishing healthy boundaries to avoid falling back into dysfunctional patterns

If both parties decide to pursue a friendship, Goldberg suggests establishing clear and healthy boundaries to prevent falling back into old patterns or triggering past conflicts. This might involve limiting contact, avoiding discussing personal matters, or maintaining a focus on shared interests and activities that foster a positive and supportive dynamic.

Other Perspectives

• While handling the end of a relationship with dignity is ideal, it may not always be possible due to the complexity of emotions involved, and suggesting that one should always be able to do so might invalidate the feelings of those who struggle with this process.
• Avoiding bitterness and blame is a healthy approach, but it's important to acknowledge that these emotions are a natural part of grieving a relationship and can be part of the healing process if managed properly.
• The focus on personal healing is crucial, but it's also important to recognize that sometimes external support or counseling may be necessary to address unresolved issues from a relationship.
• Maintaining connections with mutual friends and family can be beneficial, but in some cases, it might be healthier for individuals to distance themselves from certain mutual connections to facilitate their own healing.
• Prioritizing the well-being of children is paramount, but the text may oversimplify the challenges that come with co-parenting, especially when parents have fundamentally different parenting styles or values.
• The idea of co-parenting effectively is important, but it may not address the full spectrum of legal and emotional challenges that can arise, especially in high-conflict separations.
• The possibility of maintaining a friendship with an ex-partner is presented optimistically, but it may not be feasible or healthy for all individuals, especially if there was emotional or physical abuse in the relationship.
• Establishing healthy boundaries is essential, but the text might not fully capture the difficulty in maintaining these boundaries, especially when there are lingering romantic feelings or unresolved issues.