PDF Summary:I Want to Trust You, but I Don't, by Lysa TerKeurst

Trust forms the foundation of meaningful relationships, but betrayal and trauma can damage our ability to trust others—and even change our brains. In I Want to Trust You, but I Don't, Lysa TerKeurst explores how trust works, why it breaks down, and how to rebuild it after experiencing hurt or betrayal.

TerKeurst explains the neuroscience behind trust and distrust, showing how trauma affects the brain's ability to assess safety. She discusses how to recognize trustworthy behavior, identify warning signs in relationships, and set appropriate boundaries. The book also covers the role of faith in surrendering control, processing pain with self-compassion, and taking practical steps toward healing. Throughout, TerKeurst emphasizes that rebuilding trust requires time, credible actions, and often professional support to address the deeper issues behind broken trust.

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Defining Trustworthiness: Core Qualities

According to TerKeurst, trustworthiness involves being authentic, truthful, and consistent. Trustworthy individuals are innovative, loyal, and fair, too. They're open to admitting when they're wrong and accept responsibility. Additionally, they’re straightforward, cooperative, and respectful of people's time and property. These individuals are well-regarded and maintain enduring relationships.

(Shortform note: In The Speed of Trust, Stephen M. R. Covey adds another quality to this list: benevolent intent. This means that you consistently act in the other person’s best interest, even when it doesn’t benefit you. This quality is crucial because it shows that you’re committed to the other person’s long-term well-being.)

Recognizing Red Flags & Trust Violations

TerKeurst warns that red flags in relationships are warnings that mustn't be dismissed. They can include immaturity, immorality, insubordination, incompetence, irresponsibility, and egotism. To assess the seriousness of a red flag, consider how severe it is, how often it happens, what the cost will be to you, how often you interact with the person, and how much you’re willing to tolerate it.

(Shortform note: In relationships with power imbalances, treating “insubordination” as a red flag can be dangerous. In The Fearless Organization, Amy C. Edmondson argues that when people are afraid to speak up with questions, concerns, or dissenting views, the organization loses vital information, small problems are allowed to grow into serious failures, and those in positions of power are cut off from the feedback they most need to prevent harm and enable learning.)

TerKeurst adds that ignoring red flags can lead to breaches of trust. They're meant to safeguard you, and ignoring them is risky. They may begin as minor worries, but if ignored, they can turn into a defining challenge that ends the relationship.

(Shortform note: While ignoring red flags can lead to breaches of trust, treating every concern as a potential relationship-ending crisis can also be damaging. This approach can create a constant sense of suspicion and doubt, making it difficult to build trust and intimacy.)

Rebuilding Trust: Repair, Boundaries & Hope

TerKeurst argues that setting boundaries and relinquishing control can help restore trust. Boundaries protect you from further harm, while surrendering control to God can help you find peace and reduce anxiety. Attempting to manage everything is exhausting, creates chaos, and signals that you don't trust other people.

(Shortform note: In When Things Fall Apart, Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön offers a different perspective on the exhaustion and chaos of trying to control everything. She suggests that instead of surrendering control to God, we can learn to embrace the uncertainty and groundlessness of life.)

In the upcoming sub-sections, TerKeurst explains how to cultivate hope, surrender, and set boundaries while restoring trust.

Internal Foundations for Rebuilding Trust

Cultivating Hope & Surrender

TerKeurst argues that trusting God involves surrendering what you hope will happen and your strategies. Attempting to control what you can't leads to chaos, while giving up control to the One who is in control results in tranquility. The quicker you surrender to God what you don't understand, the more you'll ease your suffering. Daily acceptance of your situation and relinquishing to God what's beyond your control will increase your trust in Him and bear the fruit of peace.

(Shortform note: TerKeurst’s teachings on trusting God by surrendering what you hope will happen and your strategies are part of a long tradition of Christian spiritual writing. For example, Jean-Pierre de Caussade’s Abandonment to Divine Providence is a collection of spiritual letters written to nuns in 18th-century France. In these letters, he explains how to trust God, how to surrender to God’s will, and how to find peace in the present moment.)

TerKeurst explains that we use control to attempt to perfect what cannot be perfected. It's also our method of attempting to lessen the chance of pain, but it ends up causing relationship strain. Controlling is our attempt to maintain our preferred status quo, without seeing how the stress of doing so is leading to our unraveling. The more we try to control things, the more we clearly indicate that we don't trust God or other people. When we no longer have faith in God at the core of our viewpoint, that void will be replaced by a heightened feeling that we must carry all responsibility. To stop yourself from controlling, TerKeurst suggests recognizing when you start becoming controlling. At that moment of realization, stop and state you're choosing to start surrendering to the Lord what is beyond your power to change right then.

(Shortform note: TerKeurst’s advice to “stop yourself from controlling” and “start surrendering to the Lord what is beyond your power to change right then” could be dangerous for people in unsafe relationships. If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s abusive, you may already feel like you have no control over your life. Hearing that you should stop trying to control things and just surrender to God could make you feel like you shouldn’t set boundaries or seek help, which could keep you trapped in a harmful situation.)

Processing Pain & Reclaiming Discernment

TerKeurst advises processing pain with compassion to reclaim discernment. The distinction between beneficial judgment and reactions due to previous trauma is extremely fine. We need to focus on healing internally so we can foster relationships with those nearby. She suggests being truthful with yourself and dedicated to what's real as you move through this process. Avoid sugarcoating or improving appearances beyond reality. Also, don't assume accountability for or attempt to repair others—be responsible for just what belongs to you. Show yourself kindness and understanding, knowing that when you have greater awareness, you can make better decisions.

How Compassion Heals Your Brain

In Unlocking the Emotional Brain, the authors explain that when you revisit painful memories while your nervous system is calm, your brain can reprocess those memories. This process, called “reconsolidation,” weakens the old alarm signals attached to those memories. As a result, those memories stop distorting how you interpret present situations. This means you can respond to what’s actually happening now, rather than reacting based on old hurts. By facing your pain with compassion, you’re not just “coping” better—you’re actually changing how your brain works. This makes it easier to tell the difference between helpful judgment and trauma-driven reactions.

Practical Steps & Boundaries in Rebuilding Trust

Ways to Repair

TerKeurst contends that restoring trust necessitates a believable behavioral track record over time. The deeper the hurt, the longer the journey to recovery. Rebuilding trust after a serious betrayal shouldn't be rushed. Creating a new pattern requires time and credible actions. Restoring deeply damaged trust takes time because addressing hurtful behavior alone isn't enough. Problems with morality and principles are the true reason the actions happened initially. Talking about the behavior may deal with the effects, but without confronting and resolving the underlying motivation, re-establishing trust with them will be hard. Their decisions probably reflect internal problems that could necessitate expert counseling.

(Shortform note: To start building a believable behavioral track record, create a small, predictable “trust micro-moment” in your daily routine. For example, if you’re meeting someone at 3:00 p.m., always arrive a few minutes early. This simple act shows you value their time and are reliable. Over time, these small, consistent actions help rebuild trust by showing you can be counted on. The other person can test your dependability in a low-stakes way, which helps them relearn that you’re trustworthy.)

Safeguarding the Path

TerKeurst suggests safeguarding the process by consulting with a therapist or reliable person skilled in handling betrayal trauma. If you work through a traumatic event healthily and have a robust support network that aids in your healing and allows you to better perceive the truth, the long-term impacts will be less harmful. But without that support, you might find yourself trapped in that state.

(Shortform note: Betrayal trauma is a specific type of psychological wound that occurs when someone you depend on for safety or care seriously violates your trust. This kind of trauma can be especially damaging because it shakes your sense of security and can make it hard to trust others in the future. Betrayal trauma can happen in different relationships, like with a romantic partner, a parent, or even a close friend. The key factor is that the person who hurt you was someone you relied on for emotional or physical safety.)