PDF Summary:How We Show Up, by Mia Birdsong

If you want to connect more deeply with others or wish you had a more supportive community, you’re not alone. Because of cultural expectations around what it means to be a successful, worthy individual, many Americans feel like they must navigate the highs and lows of life by themselves. However, in How We Show Up, family activist Mia Birdsong argues that deeper connection is possible. By looking to the community-building practices of marginalized groups as models, we can take care of each other, feel less lonely, and expand our definition of family.

In this guide, we’ll explore how the promises and ideals of the American Dream—such as self-reliance and competition—often do more harm than good, making it difficult to connect with others. We’ll also examine Birdsong’s lessons for shedding these ideals and building supportive, compassionate, diverse communities through practices such as self-care and valuing multiple kinds of relationships. We’ll also look at other perspectives on community building and some of the history behind Birdsong’s ideas.

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The Consequence: Trauma From Living Under Systems of Oppression

The consequence of a culture centered around the ideals of whiteness, masculinity, and heteronormativity is trauma from living under systems of oppression, such as patriarchy and white supremacy. Birdsong asserts that American culture, institutions, and systems were built around such forms of oppression, and they hurt both the oppressed and the oppressors (though not in equal measure, as we’ll explore soon).

(Shortform note: A commonly discussed facet of systemic oppression in the United States is racial inequality in the justice system. According to The Sentencing Project, Black Americans are five times more likely to be incarcerated than White Americans. Additionally, there are racial disparities in sentencing—people of color make up more than two-thirds of the people currently serving life sentences.)

For marginalized groups, oppression can come in the form of everyday experiences with racism, classism, sexism, ableism, and so on. It may also mean threats to emotional and physical safety. The trauma of these forms of oppression can lead to internalized oppression, where marginalized people consciously or unconsciously absorb and believe the harmful stereotypes and biases directed at them.

The Health Consequences of Oppression

In The Myth of Normal, Daniel and Gabor Maté discuss how chronic stressors resulting from institutionalized racism can impact physiological health. When people are encouraged to feel shame or self-hatred about their racial identity explicitly through direct discrimination and subtly through systemic bias and cultural messaging, it triggers psychological wounds that can translate into physiological stress responses. These can include elevated levels of cortisol and inflammation, which contribute to health problems such as heart disease, hypertension, and diabetes among affected populations.

Other research shows that people who experience everyday discrimination have higher rates of anxiety, depression, accelerated aging, and early death. Finally, discrimination can affect the actual structure of the brain. One study that looked at the brain scans of 7,800 women in 29 different countries found that the women in countries with more gender inequality had thinning in parts of the brain connected to resilience, emotional control, and stress-related disorders.

For people in privileged groups, the harmful effects of oppression can make it difficult to truly connect with others. For instance, Birdsong explains how white supremacy can limit white people’s ability to form deep bonds with anyone, but especially people of color. Being taught that you’re better than others leads you to dehumanize them, making it more difficult to empathize with and understand them. Without empathy and understanding, it’s difficult to truly know others and develop close relationships.

(Shortform note: Another author points out that when middle-class and impoverished white people engage in conflicts with other groups over characteristics like race, it prevents all people in these classes from addressing the larger problems of an economic system that benefits the wealthy while exploiting all others.)

Creating a Community-Oriented Society

Now that we’ve examined how the ideals of the American Dream in its current form are limiting and harmful, let’s explore Birdsong’s alternative: a community-oriented society where people support rather than compete with each other.

(Shortform note: In The Art of Community, Charles Vogl defines community as a formal or informal collective of people who care about each other and support each other’s growth. By fostering relationships between members, communities create a sense of belonging (the feeling that others welcome and value you). Communities also support members’ growth by sharpening their skills and helping them become the best versions of themselves.)

Birdsong envisions this community-oriented society by exploring real-life examples of people who have built networks of support, particularly in marginalized communities. She states that marginalized groups have had no choice but to look beyond blood ties and institutions to meet their emotional and material needs. This is because historically and still today, they’ve often been separated from their biological families and harmed by systems that should ideally make people’s lives safer, such as law enforcement and healthcare systems.

(Shortform note: Much of the kind of community support Birdsong discusses falls under the umbrella of mutual aid. It can be defined as grassroots labor carried out by everyday people navigating major life challenges in contexts where government interventions fall short and, in many cases, deepen pre-existing systemic disparities. Mutual aid allows communities to respond collectively to injustices and find solutions together. It’s about finding common ground based on common struggles. As Birdsong states, there’s a long history of mutual aid among people of color and the LGBTQ community in the United States.)

In this section, we’ll look at four lessons Birdsong collected from these groups as a playbook for how to build community:

1. Prioritizing friendships
2. Taking care of yourself before you can take care of others
3. Seeking and providing help and emotional support
4. Creating support networks for families

Lesson #1: Prioritize Friendships

When creating a community of loved ones who care for each other and show up in both good and bad times, we don’t have to limit ourselves to the ideal of a nuclear family. Birdsong argues that instead of placing romantic partnerships above all others, we can build more fulfilling, richer webs of connection by treating friendships as equally important.

(Shortform note: Romantic relationships aren’t the only things we tend to prioritize over friendship—in The Good Life, researchers Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz explain that we’re taught to prioritize money over relationships. We mistakenly believe that the more money we have, the happier we’ll be, so we might be tempted to skip a friend’s birthday party to work a few extra hours. To nurture friendship bonds and get out of friendship ruts, Waldinger and Schurz recommend introducing some novelty—try a new activity together or switch up your usual hangout spot. Fresh experiences like these can reinvigorate your friendship by creating new shared memories and deepening your connection.)

Birdsong explains that in American society, people typically keep friends at a distance, reserving deeper intimacy for significant others. It doesn’t have to be that way, though—platonic relationships can have the same level of emotional closeness, even though they serve different purposes. This requires being more intentional about boundaries and expectations with friends. Every relationship is different, so it’s important to discuss together how much and in what ways you want to be involved in each other’s lives. For example, you might share childcare responsibilities with one friend, or be another friend’s emergency contact.

(Shortform note: In All About Love, bell hooks discusses Scott M. Peck’s definition of love, which (like Birdsong’s definition) encompasses all kinds of relationships. In his book The Road Less Traveled, Peck defines love as “the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” In her discussion of Peck’s definition, hooks highlights his description of love as an active choice, emphasizing that it’s not an innate quality or feeling but rather a decision to nurture growth in yourself and others. Genuine love requires committed action and discipline. When we don’t choose commitment, we harm the growth of the relationship, but more importantly, the growth of the individuals in it.)

Found Family, Queer Culture, and Black Communities

Birdsong notes that this expanded notion of friendship and family has existed in queer and Black communities for a long time.

(Shortform note: In this context, Birdsong uses “queer” as a label to indicate anyone who doesn’t fit into a cisgender, heteronormative framework. A person is cisgender when their gender identity exclusively aligns with the sex they were assigned at birth. Heteronormativity refers to the belief or assumption that heterosexuality is the normal or natural way to express one’s sexuality.)

Because queer people are frequently rejected by or alienated from blood relatives, there’s a strong history of found family in the queer community, wherein friends fulfill roles that biological family members traditionally would have instead. For example, during the HIV/AIDS epidemic of the 1980s and ’90s, chosen family members would often act as primary caregivers for people who were sick.

(Shortform note: Lesbians played many important roles during the HIV/AIDS epidemic. At the time, some healthcare providers denied treatment to patients due to prejudice, families struggled or refused to care for their afflicted family members, and there was a critical shortage of blood for the many HIV patients who needed transfusions. In response, large groups of lesbians—collectively named the “Blood Sisters”—organized blood drives for AIDS patients. Many also provided essential emotional and practical support in other ways, such as volunteering in hospitals and clinics, raising money for patients, acting as patient advocates, leading grief counselling, and participating in bedside vigils.)

Birdsong says that there’s also a long history of non-blood family members caring for and supporting each other in Black communities. Throughout American history, forced separation of Black families has been common, beginning with slavery. This means that Black people have often had to rely on non-blood relatives to survive, creating a supportive, community-oriented, and flexible understanding of family.

The Role of Fictive Kin in Foster Care

Some legal experts argue that states should establish more regulations that recognize fictive kin (non-blood family members) as possible guardians for children who end up in foster care. Currently, many states only allow people who are blood-related or related by marriage to become guardians when children can’t stay with their parents. This leaves many children in the care of strangers, even when there are non-blood relatives (such as godparents and adult stepsiblings) able and willing to care for them.

Increasingly, more states are recognizing fictive kin as potential guardians, but the laws aren’t consistent across the country. Research shows that kin placement—regardless of blood relation—improves the well-being and mental health of foster children by providing them with more security, and it keeps them connected to their communities and cultural identities. Laws acknowledging fictive kin as guardians are especially important for communities that have a long history of fictive kinship, such as Black Americans, as there are often many adults who can provide a loving, safe home for displaced children.

Lesson #2: Take Care of Yourself to Take Care of Others

Another lesson Birdsong presents is that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Thus, self-care is an essential part of community building. By self-care, she means activities that help you evolve as a person and be more present in everyday life, such as boundary-setting, mindfulness, and therapy. These practices help you learn what your needs are and how to communicate them so you can keep your relationships healthy.

(Shortform note: Robyn Gobin explores the importance of self-care in The Self-Care Prescription, and she emphasizes that self-care must be a regular practice—not something you only do when you’re already struggling. Reactive self-care is the equivalent of not doing oil changes or any other regular maintenance on your car, and instead visiting the mechanic for help only when your car fails. Gobin also describes six pillars of self-care necessary for your well-being: physical health, social and community wellness, intellectual stimulation, meaningful work, spiritual well-being, and emotional health. The strategies of self-care that Birdsong describes fit best into the categories of social and emotional well-being.)

Birdsong explains that self-care also helps you become more aware of the trauma and damaging internal beliefs you hold. This is important because the way you respond to loved ones in triggering situations is often related to what has happened to you in the past. Identifying these patterns means acknowledging that you’re responsible for your own behavior and for managing your emotions.

(Shortform note: Psychotherapist Philippa Perry outlines why parents in particular need to examine their emotional responses to their children’s triggering behavior. In The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, she asserts that emotions related to harm your parents caused you often return when raising your child. When reminded of something you did or experienced around the same age, you may relive negative emotions you felt when your parents didn’t give you the attention or support you needed, making it hard to empathize with your child. Perry suggests pausing and stepping away from the situation before responding. Ask yourself if the emotion fits the present situation or if it’s related to something that happened to you in the past.)

Additionally, Birdsong writes that self-care helps you stop feeling like you have to manage other people’s emotions and actions. (Shortform note: To begin breaking the pattern of holding yourself responsible for others’ emotions, some therapists suggest shifting your mindset from needing to make people feel better to supporting them while they work through an issue themselves. Additionally, regularly check in with your own emotions before thinking of someone else’s, and ask yourself what you want from different interactions and situations before you consider what the other person may want. This helps ensure that your first response to a situation isn’t simply to please someone else, often at your own expense.)

It’s important to recognize that every person—including yourself—has control over and responsibility for their own bodies, time, energy, and behavior. It allows you to look at people and circumstances that are harming you and recognize that you have the power to change them by setting boundaries or removing yourself from the situation. It also helps you manage your emotions when someone sets a boundary with you—rather than taking it as a threat or an insult, you can acknowledge their right to do so and be glad that they’re able to healthily express their needs.

(Shortform note: When someone’s setting a boundary with you, give them time to speak, keep your body language open, and try to be encouraging in your response, rather than defensive. For example, you might thank them for being brave enough to share their concern with you.)

Lesson #3: Seek and Provide Help and Emotional Support

According to Birdsong, another key aspect of creating a community-oriented society is learning to offer and seek help, even when it’s uncomfortable. As we discussed earlier, in American culture, we’re taught that needing support signifies weakness or failure. This leaves us afraid or unwilling to ask for it, which hinders our ability to establish close connections. But you never know who will show up for you when you need them unless you ask.

(Shortform note: If you’re unsure how to start or are unused to asking for help, it may be helpful to keep a few things in mind: First, try not to have expectations about the outcome when you request something from someone. If you punish them for saying no, you weren’t genuinely asking for help, but rather demanding they do something for you. Additionally, allow people to help in their own unique ways, stay open to feedback, and express gratitude.)

Sometimes helping a loved one means just creating space for their suffering and being present for difficult emotions like grief, rather than trying to change their feelings. It can be hard to see someone you care about in distress and not try to make it better. But Birdsong explains that the impulse to offer solutions and advice is often borne from our own lack of comfort, not their actual needs. The ability to stay present during difficult times in someone’s life is a mark of a lasting relationship and a deeper connection.

(Shortform note: There are several ways you can offer someone emotional support without giving advice. First, simply listening actively by giving them your full attention, asking questions, and reflecting what they’ve said back to them can show them that you care. You can also offer explicit encouragement and validation to let them know that their feelings make sense and you’re with them no matter what. Finally, once they’ve had a chance to fully express their feelings, consider asking questions that help them think through solutions.)

Birdsong also suggests offering help before someone asks for it. Because of cultural pressures toward self-reliance, many Americans would sooner go without life essentials (such as food) than ask loved ones for assistance. Therefore, by taking charge and providing help without having to be asked, you ensure that the people you care about have what they need and take the burden off of them. For example, you might drop off food to a grieving friend because you know they won’t have the time or energy to cook.

(Shortform note: American cultural norms may make it feel strange to offer help before it’s asked—doing so could feel like overstepping. So, choosing the right approach can make the experience easier for everyone involved. To start, consider everyday tasks you could help with that may become overwhelming during a difficult time, such as going to the grocery store. Additionally, try framing your offers of help as statements rather than questions, so the person you’re supporting doesn’t feel obligated to say no out of guilt. For instance, instead of asking, “Can I help with anything around the house?” you might say, “I can do a load of dishes and laundry while I’m here.”)

Lesson #4: Create Support Networks for Families

Finally, Birdsong discusses the importance of support networks for families that include people who are outside the nuclear family. Many American families have two parents who work and are also responsible for all childcare and house maintenance. This is often impossible to truly manage alone, leaving families in a constant state of struggle.

(Shortform note: Other experts argue that the nuclear family itself isn’t the problem. According to them, this family form has long been common and persists because of our innate urge to pair bond—it’s normal for humans to couple up and raise children together. Likewise, these experts state that many iterations of communal living throughout American history have been unsuccessful. They say that rather than looking to the nuclear family as the source of struggle, it could be more useful to examine the destruction of the socio-economic conditions that support long-lasting pair bonds.)

Birdsong explains that when you have people beyond the household who help to lighten the load, both children and parents benefit. Children get the care and love they need, and parents have time and space to exist as people outside of their roles as caregivers. This support network may include blood or adopted relatives, neighbors, and friends.

There are multiple types of support that non-parent adults can give. One is providing guidance, encouragement, and emotional support for children. Another is helping with everyday practicalities, such as running errands or picking up kids.

(Shortform note: The absence of a supportive community can have real negative consequences for the mental health of parents. For instance, in the early years of the Covid-19 pandemic, when families were isolated, parents were between two and three times more likely to be diagnosed with a mental health disorder than non-parent adults.)

Birdsong explores two less-discussed ways that non-parent adults can support families:

1) Exposing children to different perspectives. This helps children see that there are multiple ways to live, and not just one “right” way modeled by their parents. Non-parent adults’ perspectives also help children connect with parts of their identity that their parents don’t share. For example, consider a biracial child raised by their white parent. An adult who shares the child’s biracial identity can help the child connect with their full cultural heritage and feel better understood.

(Shortform note: Though it’s important for children to see themselves in adult role models, exposing them to people and cultures who are different from them is also beneficial. When children learn about a diversity of people and life experiences, they can more easily empathize with others and approach differences with curiosity and kindness. It helps them recognize the inherent worth and dignity of all human beings, not just people who are like them.)

2) Helping kids view themselves as individuals, not just a part of their family unit. When kids see themselves as individuals, they develop a healthier level of independence and confidence as they venture out into the world. (Shortform note: Children can also individuate by exploring interests and activities that help them develop their sense of self. A non-parent adult could play a role in this by fostering shared interests or introducing them to new experiences.)

The Importance of Alloparents

As Birdsong states, the benefits of alloparenting—when non-parent adults play a parental role for children—are numerous. Here are a few more benefits, according to research:

• The risk of post-partum depression is lower when there are people there to help after birth.

• Throughout history, when grandmothers—one of the most common types of alloparents—have been more involved in parenting, both the number of children and the survival rates of children have increased.

• When there are more adults caring for children, parents have the chance to experience their own emotions and difficult days without causing disruptions to their children’s everyday lives.

• Children who get attention and care from non-parent adults are more likely to cultivate their talents.