PDF Summary:How to Love Better, by Yung Pueblo

Love is a practice, not just an emotion. That’s the core message of How to Love Better by author and entrepreneur Yung Pueblo. He makes the case that truly caring for your partner means developing the emotional maturity, communication skills, and capacity for compassion to care for them well.

In our guide, we’ll discuss the fundamental skills it takes to build a strong relationship. We’ll then explain how to handle conflicts and how to stop most fights before they start. To conclude, we’ll explore how you can become a better partner by cultivating a better relationship with yourself. We’ll also compare Pueblo’s ideas with those other relationship books such as Red Flags, Green Flags and The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work. We’ll provide additional information from psychology and behavioral science, and we’ll offer concrete ways to put Pueblo’s advice into practice.

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Keep a Mindset of Learning and Love

Pueblo asserts that every relationship involves disagreements and arguments. If not handled well, these rough patches can cause real damage to your relationship. Therefore, Pueblo provides several practices to help you navigate conflicts with genuine care and compassion:

Be curious, not hostile. Your goal should be to understand your partner’s perspective rather than to “win” the argument—you’re talking to your partner, not an enemy. Both of you deserve to be heard and respected, even when you disagree with each other.

Give each other space. This has two meanings: Give each other space to talk without interruption, and take a short break whenever emotions start to get out of control. Doing so will ensure that the two of you can work together to fix the problem, and that neither of you will lash out and cause further damage.

(Shortform note: These are two of the key practices that the authors of Difficult Conversations discuss. In addition to curiosity and letting each other feel heard, the authors also say you should assume that your partner has good intentions. There will inevitably be times when your partner hurts your feelings, but you shouldn’t assume that they meant to hurt you. Instead, try to extend the same grace you’d want for yourself if you accidentally hurt your partner’s feelings. Further, your partner’s intentions are something else you can be curious about, and giving each other space creates room to explore what those intentions are, rather than assuming the worst.)

Look for the deeper issue. Even fights that seem straightforward often have bigger issues behind them. For example, someone might seem to be upset just because their partner stayed out late with friends. However, digging deeper, the real issue might turn out to be that this happens all the time—so frequently that it feels like the partner values their friend group above their relationship. Pueblo writes that working together to find and fix your deeper issues turns an argument into a chance to understand each other more intimately than ever.

(Shortform note: In Getting the Love You Want, therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt say these deeper issues often result from childhood needs going unmet. Furthermore, people often don’t even recognize their own needs, let alone have the ability to clearly communicate them. Therefore, the authors suggest you and your partner individually explore what your childhoods were like. Hendrix and Hunt also suggest thinking back to your greatest frustrations as a child: the things you most wanted and never got from your caregivers. This exercise can help you and your partner uncover the roots of your current problems.)

Let go of ego. Finally, Pueblo says ego will always make a conflict worse than it needs to be. Ego causes people to become defensive—they’ll be more concerned with protecting their self-image than with resolving the problem. If you catch yourself trying to avoid responsibility for your own role in the conflict, it means your ego is currently in control. It takes courage and maturity to move past that defensiveness, but admitting and apologizing for your mistakes will help keep your relationship healthy.

(Shortform note: In Ego Is the Enemy, Ryan Holiday says ego makes everything more difficult, not just relationships. To combat this problem, Holiday urges you to focus on the task at hand, rather than on your own feelings, plans, or grievances. In the context of Pueblo’s advice, your “task” is to learn what went wrong between you and your partner and to solve that problem.)

Practice Preventive Communication

Relationship conflict is inevitable, and it’s crucial to learn how to handle disagreements in a healthy and loving way. However, it’s equally important to stop fights from happening in the first place whenever possible. Pueblo says you and your partner can preempt a great deal of conflict by practicing what he calls preventive communication.

The key to this practice is regular emotional check-ins with your partner. Rather than waiting for tension to build until it erupts into conflict, share how you’re feeling throughout the day in simple, informal ways. For example, let your partner know when you’re feeling stressed, when something they did annoyed or upset you, and when you’re just feeling tired and withdrawn. Sharing this kind of information helps prevent misunderstandings and empowers you both to support each other in the ways you most need.

(Shortform note: This practice of regularly checking in helps prevent you and your partner from making assumptions about the other’s thoughts and feelings. In Stop Self-Sabotage, clinical psychologist Judy Ho says such assumptions are the most basic, and most common, self-destructive thought patterns people fall into. She explains that when we assume we know what someone else thinks or feels, those assumptions tend to be much worse than reality—we see anger and hostility where there is none, and we create problems with our responses to those nonexistent issues.)

While regular check-ins may seem simple, Pueblo says it takes courage to be honest with yourself and vulnerable with your partner. You can’t share your emotions unless you recognize and acknowledge how you’re feeling, even—or especially—when those feelings make you uncomfortable. Also, sharing that you’re not feeling your best can feel like admitting weakness or leaving yourself open to attack, which is why you need the courage to trust that your partner won’t take advantage of what you tell them.

Pueblo adds that regular check-ins also help you understand your own emotions and how quickly they can shift. This recognition will stop you from identifying too strongly with your bad moods, since you know they’ll pass soon enough. You’ll start to recognize that unpleasant moments simply happen and fade away—they aren’t permanent parts of your relationship or signs that your partner is causing problems for you.

Courage Comes From Optimism

Pueblo says it takes courage to face uncomfortable feelings and leave yourself vulnerable. In Learned Optimism, psychologist Martin Seligman adds that courage doesn’t simply exist, but rather is one result of an optimistic mindset.

Seligman argues that optimists are much more willing to endure hardship and risk because they assume the outcome will be worth it, and that they can recover even if things go wrong. Conversely, pessimistic people tend to avoid discomfort and risk because they assume their efforts will fail, meaning they’d have endured those hardships for no reason. This mindset also carries over into how people view negative feelings and relationship issues: An optimist will assume that any problems are temporary and will soon pass, while a pessimist will assume those problems are permanent, meaning the relationship isn’t working.

Seligman adds that you can learn to be more optimistic by changing how you think about what happens to you. When something good happens, an optimist will view it as the result of their own abilities, or simply part of a larger pattern of good things happening to them. Conversely, when something bad happens, they see it as a temporary setback caused by something outside of their control. By actively practicing this mindset and challenging your negative thought patterns, you can start building the optimism—and therefore the courage—to be vulnerable in your relationships.

Build a Relationship With Yourself

So far, we’ve discussed various skills and mindsets that will help you treat your partner with love, respect, and compassion. However, Pueblo says it’s equally important that you learn to understand and love yourself.

We’ll start this final section with a brief discussion of how you can build self-love and self-awareness. We’ll then conclude by explaining the importance of healing from your past emotional traumas and how you can take the first steps toward doing so.

Practice Self-Awareness and Self-Love

Pueblo argues that in order to love another person well, you must build an honest and loving relationship with yourself. How well you can connect with others is a reflection of how well you’re connected to your own thoughts and feelings.

(Shortform note: Pueblo’s emphasis on self-relationship as the foundation for loving others echoes a principle that psychologists call emotional attunement: the ability to recognize and respond appropriately to feelings, whether your own or someone else’s. Furthermore, relationship experts consistently find that people who can identify and regulate their own emotions—in other words, who have high emotional intelligence—are better equipped to respond to their partners’ feelings with care and support.)

The Benefits of Self-Awareness

You have to understand yourself before you can truly love yourself, and to strengthen this connection, Pueblo says you must develop a greater awareness of your inner life. This includes learning your habitual thought patterns and feelings, considering how your past experiences shape your present behaviors, and learning to sit with difficult feelings so you can fully resolve them. The emotional check-ins we discussed earlier are one tool among many that can help you with this process.

(Shortform note: Another practice that can help you discover your innermost feelings is daily journaling. In The Life Brief, Bonnie Wan suggests setting aside 10 minutes every day to simply write down whatever comes to mind, no matter how ugly or uncomfortable those thoughts might be. She says this exercise will help you sort through your “mental clutter” to find the needs and desires you’ve neglected. The key is to look for ideas or wishes that come up repeatedly, day after day, during your journaling practice—those will point toward the parts of yourself that most need your attention.)

Pueblo promises that increased self-awareness provides several benefits that will transform your relationships with others:

First of all, you’ll learn to recognize when you’re simply reacting to a situation. That awareness will allow you to overrule your automatic reactions and instead choose deliberate, thoughtful actions. For example, if your partner took a nap instead of doing a chore they promised to take care of, your natural reaction might be to get frustrated with them. However, if you realize you’re having that reaction, you can instead step back and consider that maybe your partner is exhausted or sick, meaning they need your support rather than your anger.

Second, you’ll develop the skills to manage your emotions more effectively. You’ll understand what you’re feeling and, just as importantly, why you’re feeling it. As a result, you’ll be able to determine whether your feelings are reasonable for the current situation and how to express those feelings appropriately.

Finally, you’ll recognize that many of your strongest thoughts and feelings are rooted in your past experiences, and that you’re responsible for handling them. People who lack this understanding tend to blame their partners for “making” them angry or upset.

Foundational Skills for Self-Awareness

In Strong Ground, Brene Brown says improved self-awareness comes from practicing three skills that roughly correspond to the three benefits Pueblo discusses.

The first skill is metacognition: rationally examining your own thoughts and beliefs. This skill helps you recognize situations where you’re likely to make poor decisions and have inappropriate reactions. That awareness, in turn, helps you choose your responses more carefully in those situations instead of simply reacting.

The second benefit Pueblo describes is commonly known as emotional intelligence, which psychologist Daniel Goleman defines as the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions in ourselves and others. Brown says that not only does emotional intelligence enhance self-awareness—it helps you make better decisions under pressure and lets you handle interpersonal issues with insightfulness and tact.

The third and final skill Brown discusses is present-moment awareness: the ability to give your full attention to what’s happening around you and how you respond to it, rather than getting lost in your own thoughts or feelings. Brown adds that the key to present-moment awareness is to acknowledge what’s happening without passing judgment on people or events (perhaps realizing, as Pueblo suggests, that your feelings are your responsibility). So, if you’re feeling upset, you would acknowledge that emotion without blaming your partner for causing it—and without blaming yourself for feeling it. You can then determine how best to handle the situation and, if needed, tell your partner what you need from them in that moment.

Self-Love Brings Self-Confidence

While self-awareness is a crucial first step toward building a stronger relationship with yourself, Pueblo says it’s only half of the equation—you must learn to love yourself too. That, in turn, will allow you to love your partner more fully.

Developing self-love involves three practices:

1. Be honest with yourself. You must be willing to face uncomfortable truths about your patterns and behaviors without running away.
2. Build good habits. You need to actively cultivate the habits and characteristics that help you flourish rather than passively waiting for change to happen.
3. Accept yourself as you are. Embrace the idea that you’re not perfect and don’t need to be, while remaining committed to personal growth. Embrace where you currently are on your personal journey, flaws and all.

These elements work together to create a strong internal sense of stability and confidence. Pueblo says they’ll also help you let go of defensive behaviors. In short, loving yourself will give you the courage to be fully present and committed to your relationship, rather than holding yourself back due to fear or uncertainty.

Another View of Self-Love

In All About Love, feminist activist bell hooks agrees that loving others begins with loving yourself, though she presents self-awareness and self-love somewhat differently from Pueblo’s interpretation. According to hooks, there are five aspects to self-love. We’ve already discussed three: self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-responsibility (which parallels “build good habits”).

hooks’s fourth element of self-love is self-assertion. This means confidently expressing your thoughts, needs, and boundaries. In short, a key part of self-love is being authentically, unapologetically yourself, rather than trying to make yourself more palatable to other people.

The fifth and final element is purposeful living: identifying your values, goals, and interests, then pursuing them. In other words, figure out what’s really important to you, and live your life accordingly.

Love Yourself By Healing Yourself

Finally, Pueblo says that improving your relationship with yourself involves a commitment to personal healing: the inner work that allows you to recover from past hurts and let go of emotional baggage. He adds that it might seem selfish to focus on yourself instead of your partner, but in reality, inner peace is the greatest contribution you can make to your relationship.

Pueblo explains that many relationship issues stem from unprocessed experiences and emotions that people carry with them, often without realizing it. For example, someone might become extremely upset over a seemingly harmless comment or action because it triggered memories of a past trauma.

To break this pattern of hurtful behavior, you must develop the self-awareness to recognize when you’re projecting your own history onto your partner. You’ll also need the courage to find the root causes of your behavior, then address those past hurts so you can finally leave them behind you.

Pueblo adds that finding a healing practice is a deeply personal journey. You may need to try many different approaches in order to find practices that meet your unique needs. Some possibilities include meditation, yoga, journaling, and therapy. Whatever you choose should be challenging, yet sustainable—something that pushes you to learn about yourself and grow as a person, but doesn’t feel overwhelming.

Four Kinds of Healing

In Complex PTSD, psychotherapist Pete Walker describes the process of recovering from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), which results from repeated traumatic experiences; for instance, it’s common among people who grow up in abusive households. Regardless of whether your own past hurts were frequent or severe enough to lead to a clinical disorder like CPTSD, this information can help inform your healing journey on the path that Pueblo recommends.

The four types of recovery Walker describes are:

Mental recovery: Complex trauma survivors often internalize the hurtful messages they hear over and over, such as that they’re stupid, helpless, or unlovable. In order to heal, the survivor needs to learn how to reject those ideas and cultivate a healthier, more realistic self-image. Some ways to do this are for the survivor to recognize who was really to blame for their past hurts, and to practice self-acceptance instead of trying to live up to their abusers’ impossible standards.

Physical recovery: People who experience repeated physical abuse often have chronic injuries, or they suffer from old injuries that weren’t treated properly, such as broken bones that were never professionally set. Therefore, recovery must include healing the survivor’s body as much as possible. Some common healing practices for physical trauma are meditation to promote physical relaxation and yoga to improve physical flexibility and resilience.

Emotional recovery: Complex trauma survivors often repress their emotions in order to cope with abuse, or because their abusers punish them for expressing their feelings. Recovery involves reconnecting with those emotions. Walker says the most effective way to heal from emotional abuse is for survivors to allow themselves to grieve for the loss of the safe, happy childhoods they should have had.

Social recovery: Finally, people with complex trauma often struggle to form healthy relationships because their experiences have taught them that people are dangerous and untrustworthy. Therefore, healing must involve learning how to accept love and support from others, and to offer love and support in return. Common ways to approach this type of recovery are to find trauma support groups and online forums. For survivors who aren’t ready to socialize with other people, Walker says a pet can also be a powerful source of connection and love.

In conclusion, Pueblo says the dedication you bring to your personal growth directly translates into your ability to build a loving, supportive life with another person. Conversely, the qualities that make you a better partner—such as humility, honesty, self-control, and compassion—are the same qualities that lead to inner peace and happiness. In short, the practice of loving better and the practice of living better are one and the same.

(Shortform note: What Pueblo describes here is a positive feedback loop, otherwise known as a virtuous cycle. The idea of the virtuous cycle is commonly credited to Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, who leveraged it to build one of the largest companies in the world. A key feature of the virtuous cycle is that putting more effort into any part of the loop makes the entire cycle work more effectively. In the context Pueblo discusses, this means that putting extra effort into your personal growth will make you a better partner, and putting extra effort into your relationship will make you a better person.)