PDF Summary:How Can I Forgive You?, by Janis A. Spring

When someone wrongs you, forgiving them can feel impossible—or it can feel too easy, leaving underlying issues unresolved. In How Can I Forgive You?, psychologist Janis A. Spring presents a framework for understanding forgiveness that goes beyond quick, one-sided responses. She argues that genuine forgiveness requires effort from both the wronged person and the offender, and she distinguishes this process from acceptance, which allows you to heal and move forward even when the offender won't or can't apologize.

Spring explores the roles that both parties play in genuine forgiveness, explains when acceptance is the better path, and warns against the pitfalls of cheap forgiveness and unresolved resentment. You'll learn how to protect yourself from future harm, how to process complex emotions, and how to decide whether reconciliation is possible or advisable.

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(Shortform note: Self-directed acceptance aligns with acceptance-based therapies, such as Russ Harris’s Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). These therapies emphasize accepting difficult emotions and experiences as a way to reduce suffering and increase psychological flexibility. Harris argues that acceptance is an active process of embracing reality rather than a passive resignation. This approach helps individuals move forward without being trapped by resentment or the need for the offender's participation. Acceptance-based therapies focus on personal growth and well-being, rather than moral judgments about the offender.)

To embrace a person, make an effort to clearly understand what occurred, with an unbiased perspective. Acknowledge how you might have contributed to the harm, and try to comprehend the offender’s intentions to the best of your ability. Acknowledge the positive and negative things the offender has contributed to your life. Pardon yourself for letting the offender cause you harm. Strive to recall the offender without hating them or being consumed by pain.

(Shortform note: If you’re someone who tends to blame yourself for things that go wrong, this step might be counterproductive. In Trauma and Recovery, Judith Lewis Herman explains that self-blame is a common response to trauma. She explains that self-blame can be a way to feel in control of a situation, but it can also prevent you from healing. If you focus too much on how you “contributed” to the harm, you might end up taking responsibility for something that wasn’t your fault.)

Next, we'll explore how to keep yourself safe from more harm.

Practical Ways to Gain Insight and Safeguard Yourself

Spring advises taking steps to safeguard against future damage. Acceptance encourages you to protect yourself. For example, if you embrace someone who threatens you physically, you're not obligated to be vulnerable to more mistreatment. Set up physical barriers, alter your routines to avoid encounters with the offender, change employment, relocate, or get legal protection to keep them away from your physical surroundings.

(Shortform note: While these steps can be effective, they can also backfire. In Safety Planning with Battered Women, the authors note that some actions, like changing routines or seeking legal protection, can escalate the abuser’s behavior. The key is to work with specialists who can help you assess your specific situation and develop a plan that minimizes risk.)

The Spectrum of Resolution: Avoiding Quick Forgiveness and Lingering Resentment

Next, we’ll explore constructive and destructive resolution patterns.

Constructive Resolution: Authentic Forgiveness, Tolerance, and Kindness

Spring contends that genuine forgiveness allows for a complex mix of emotions, including anger and compassion. It's not necessary to erase your pain or anger. You can still feel hurt, angry, or even hate the person who wronged you sometimes. These negative emotions can coexist with positive ones like empathy, esteem, or affection. You can still feel grateful for the person's attempts to make things right, even while you grieve the loss of trust or the idealized image you had of them.

Spring notes that forgiveness doesn't require you to reunite with your wrongdoer. You may opt to forgive without being vulnerable to further harm from them. However, if the person who hurt you is willing to hear your suffering and make a sincere effort to change, you may be more open to letting them return to your life.

Forgiveness Is a Shift in Motivation

Psychologists Michael E. McCullough, Frank D. Fincham, and Jo-Ann Tsang argue that genuine forgiveness is a long-term process that involves a shift in your motivation toward your wrongdoer. This shift is characterized by a decrease in your desire to retaliate against them and an increase in your desire to see them do well. This shift in motivation can occur even if you still feel anger toward your wrongdoer. For example, you may still feel angry at your wrongdoer for betraying your trust, but you may no longer wish to see them suffer. This shift in motivation can also occur even if you don't want your wrongdoer to return to your life. For example, you may not want to reunite with your wrongdoer because you don't trust them, but you may still wish them well.

Next, we’ll explore reasons to avoid superficial pardoning and unresolved resentment.

Pitfalls of Easy Pardoning and Unresolved Resentment

Spring warns that quick pardoning can prevent genuine recovery and growth. It’s a fast and simple act of forgiveness without any emotional processing or accepting the harm. This obsessive, one-sided offer of unconditional reconciliation asks for nothing back. It's unhealthy, fostering a false sense of intimacy without addressing or resolving anything, while the transgressor hasn't earned it. When you quiet your distress and anger, you neglect to recognize or understand the damage that was caused to you.

(Shortform note: This warning about quick pardoning may not apply to brief, low-intensity misunderstandings in long-term relationships. Research shows that stable couples often use a fast and simple act of forgiveness to repair minor conflicts. These couples have a strong foundation of mutual respect and trust, so a quick apology and forgiveness exchange is enough to restore harmony. However, this approach only works when both partners feel secure in the relationship and trust that their needs will be met.)

Inexpensive pardon might maintain the relationship, yet it ruins any chance to deepen your connection. If you don't talk through or resolve a violation, unspoken issues linger between you. When forgiveness comes easily, it can make you feel ethically above the offender, but that self-righteous feeling may hinder intimacy. Spring further asserts that easily forgiving stunts personal development and prevents self-reflection that would lead to more fulfilling connections. If you forgive hastily, you miss the opportunity to learn by facing your own complicity.

The Ethics of Forgiveness

Spring’s critique of “inexpensive pardon” aligns with a broader philosophical debate about the nature and value of forgiveness. Some philosophers, like Jeffrie Murphy, argue that forgiveness is not always morally required and that withholding forgiveness can be a principled stance rather than a sign of vindictiveness. In Forgiveness and Mercy, Murphy contends that resentment can be a morally appropriate response to wrongdoing, especially when the offender has not shown genuine remorse or made efforts to repair the harm.

Destructive Patterns: Thoughtless Pardons and Chronic Resentment

Spring warns that cheap forgiveness can encourage the transgressor to keep mistreating you. It can also harm your mental and bodily health. Inexpensive forgiveness involves suppressing or dismissing your resentment rather than addressing it.

Spring argues that feeling angry can be a beneficial, fitting response when your rights have been trampled on. It excites and motivates you to take action. You might not be brave enough to voice your feelings, find a fair solution, or shield yourself from more injury. The inability to experience anger is just as harmful as being unable to experience pain and makes you equally vulnerable.

The Dalai Lama on Anger and Forgiveness

Some traditions disagree with Spring’s view that cheap forgiveness is harmful and that feeling angry when your rights have been trampled on is beneficial. For example, in Healing Anger, the Dalai Lama argues that anger is a destructive mental poison that harms both body and mind. He explains that when others cause us harm, we should train ourselves to regard them as precious teachers who give us the opportunity to develop patience. He encourages a swift, unconditional style of forgiveness rooted in compassion practice, rather than in any change in the transgressor’s behavior.