PDF Summary:Hold On to Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté

If you suspect that kids these days are harder to parent, you might be onto something. In Hold On to Your Kids (2004), Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté argue that parenting is more difficult in modern times because society hampers the natural process that supports parenting: attachment. This force binds humans together and forms the foundation of relationships. According to Neufeld and Maté, weak parent-child attachment leads to peer orientation, when children look to their peers for guidance on what to do and who to be. By obstructing children’s development, peer orientation harms children, parents, and society, contributing to increasing rates of bullying, self-harm, school problems, and premature sexual experiences.

Our guide begins by describing how children’s minds mature. Then, we explore why Neufeld and Maté believe our modern culture hinders kids’ maturation and parent-child attachment, leading to peer orientation. Finally, we outline strategies to avoid and fix peer orientation. Throughout, we also complement Neufeld and Maté’s ideas with insights from other parenting experts.

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(Shortform note: To ensure your relationship fosters your child’s self-esteem, Nathaniel Branden recommends making them feel understood. In The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, he argues that when your reaction to your child reflects what she believes about her own experience, she feels understood, which nurtures her self-esteem. This is the opposite of conditional peer approval, where peers react solely based on their own view of reality, making her feel misunderstood. You can also promote healthy striving, which Brené Brown defines in Daring Greatly as the drive to become the best version of yourself based on your standards. Brown explains that when kids judge themselves by others’ standards, it causes shame and damages their self-esteem.)

Intellectual Development

Finally, peer orientation hinders children’s intellectual development. Peer-oriented children are afraid of their peers mocking or rejecting them. As a result, they can’t safely express their curiosity or engage in activities where they might make mistakes, key factors that enable learning.

Peer Orientation in the Classroom

In Uncommon Sense Teaching, Barbara Oakley and Beth Rogowski further explain why a healthy social environment is crucial for students to learn effectively. Without it, a hurt, scared, or overwhelmed child will be more concerned with feeling safe than with paying attention in class. This is because stressful situations, like being mocked, trigger instinctive fight-or-flight responses that shut down rational thinking, creating an additional obstacle for the development of their critical thinking. Therefore, it’s important to make sure that classroom dynamics are supportive rather than competitive or judgmental.

Teachers might have a crucial role to play in managing peer orientation within the classroom to minimize its impact on intellectual development. For teachers, building a safe environment means sometimes being flexible with rules and expectations. Individual students may have days when they’re upset, overwhelmed, or struggling. During those difficult times, their teachers’ patience and understanding will help them far more than rigidly enforcing the rules (which would only put them under even more stress). For example, a child who’s too upset by negative social dynamics to focus on their work may only become more upset if their teacher berates or punishes them for their inattention or lack of engagement.

How Peer Orientation Harms the Parent-Child Relationship

A stronger attachment to peers further decreases a child’s attachment to her parents. Neufeld and Maté explain that children's brains can’t simultaneously follow peer and adult guidance. When these influences conflict, they choose between them, leading them to reject their parents in two key ways:

1) They shun their parents’ authority. Peer orientation exacerbates children’s natural resistance to being controlled or managed. Without the force of attachment, children begin to see parents’ authority as an imposition, and parents lose their natural influence over their kids.

(Shortform note: A 2020 study adds nuance to the assertion that children can’t follow the lead of both parents and peers. The study showed that 12- to 14-year-old participants resisted conforming to both parents’ and peers’ guidance when their opinions conflicted with their own, demonstrating how children resist all control. However, when they agreed with their peers rather than their parents, they were unlikely to conform to their parents’ ideas—peer orientation in action. Additionally, participants were more likely to conform to peers’ ideas when those peers modeled positive behavior, such as studying for school. This suggests that, while peer-oriented children might see their parents’ authority as an imposition, they can still make positive choices.)

2) Peer-oriented children become resistant to their parents’ love. By focusing on peer attachment, they lose the drive to attach to their parents. As a result, they become closed off to parental affection and care, and they’re often hostile to their parents’ attempts to connect with them.

(Shortform note: While peer-oriented children’s push away from their parents’ affection is pronounced, most teenagers push their parents away to some degree. Their search for autonomy, disagreements with their parents, and the natural drive to connect with peers all make teenagers grow distant from their parents and rebuff their attempts to connect and show affection. However, the difference between normal teenager behavior and peer-oriented behavior is a subtle one. Often, the difference is in how strongly a teen pushes their parents away and whether they still find ways to connect with their parents through a conflict. If you’re unsure about your teenager’s behavior, it can be helpful to ask a professional for guidance.)

How Peer Orientation Harms Society

Peer orientation poses risks that go beyond individual children and their families. According to Neufeld and Maté, peer orientation leads children to develop an unhealthy culture. Peer-oriented children reject parental values and develop distinct, insular groups with separate values, languages, and norms that deliberately distance youth culture from adult culture. While parental values are often based on experience and cultural heritage—and are intended to sustain children throughout their lives—peer values and culture tend to be disconnected from tradition, short-lived, and superficial (such as valuing physical appearance).

In addition, peer-oriented children tend toward tribalism because they need to protect their attachment to their group. This often leads them to become bullies or victims of aggression.

Navigating Different Values Across Generations

Not all values young people share with peers are short-lived, superficial, or disconnected from tradition—but they can still conflict with parental values and context. In Far From the Tree, Andrew Solomon writes that we all have “vertical identities” that we inherit from our parents, such as native language and religion. These identities often relate to our parents’ own experiences and values. However, many people have “horizontal identities” that make them different from their parents, like a physical disability or identifying as queer.

Horizontal identities present several challenges. First, children who have traits their parents don't share can feel isolated within their own families and broader society. They may need peers, role models, and mentors who share their specific difference. They specifically seek out peers who can relate to and guide them through the particular challenges of their horizontal identity. So, a peer group that looks closed-off from the outside may simply be a place where kids with the same identity can feel understood, supported, and safe. Unfortunately, at the same time, this kind of isolation from broader society can increase the risk of bullying.

Solomon also explains how horizontal identities can lead to other types of conflict and misunderstanding These identities grant a child access to a culture and value set that’s foreign to their parents. For example, Deaf culture has unique values, traditions, and languages. Some people who embrace Deaf culture believe that deafness shouldn’t be treated with interventions like cochlear implants, which can create conflict with hearing parents who want their Deaf child to receive treatment. In this way, the child’s horizontal identity can be an obstacle to the transmission of her parents’ values and culture, but she is still becoming part of a long-established culture.

To navigate conflicts related to horizontal identities, parents can…

• Learn about and accept their child’s differences and values

• Help re-engage their child with her vertical identities and values, when possible. For instance, children who are queer might still want and be able to practice their parents’ religion, even if the parents think their beliefs and identity are at odds.

• Play a role in preventing bullying by supporting their children to develop resilience and by teaching other children to stand up for victims if they witness bullying.

• Find a community where their child can feel they belong—Solomon writes that this can foster healthier relationships within the family and help a child accept their differences.

How to Preserve the Natural Framework

Now that we’ve discussed the negative consequences of peer orientation, you might be wondering how to avoid it. The key, according to Neufeld and Maté, is to prioritize your relationship with your child and protect her attachment to you. By doing so, you’ll be fighting back against the societal factors that create attachment voids in many parent-child relationships.

According to Neufeld and Maté, attachment should take precedence over other developmental goals, like behavior. This protects your attachment and secures the foundation for all other aspects of child development. It also prevents your child from seeking a primary attachment with her peers, since her emotional needs will already be met. To prioritize the relationship and convey that importance to your children, Neufeld and Maté recommend you demonstrate your commitment through consistent actions and emotional availability. In this section, we’ll discuss four strategies that Neufeld and Maté suggest for making your parent-child relationship a priority.

The Family That Follows a Loving Routine Together Stays Together

Research suggests that establishing structured family routines may be a powerful mechanism for protecting the parent-child attachment. For example, a 2017 Japanese study of over 700 families found that consistent family routines strengthened parent-child relationships by increasing family cohesiveness and emotional expressiveness, while reducing conflict—all factors that directly support the secure attachment Neufeld and Maté advocate.

Specifically, this research demonstrates that the benefits of routines—anything from shared meals to bedtime rituals to regular family activities—extend beyond simply spending time together. Their predictable and consistent nature demonstrates that you’re committed to your relationship with your children. Your consistent emotional availability creates a stable emotional environment where your children can feel secure and develop positive behaviors.

Strategy #1: Demonstrate Unconditional Love, Especially When It’s Challenging

The primary way to protect your parent-child attachment is by showing your unconditional love. You can demonstrate this through your words and tone, making sure they match the feelings you want to convey. You can also demonstrate unconditional love through your behavior, such as engaging genuinely with your child and creating opportunities to spend quality time together.

In addition, Neufeld and Maté believe your unconditional love should be evident even during conflicts. Continue to affirm your love during challenging moments or intense reactions, and quickly repair any breaks in the relationship. Follow these principles to protect your attachment, even as you discipline your child:

• Don’t discipline your child away. Avoid traditional methods like punishments, time-outs, and withdrawal of affection because they create emotional distance.
• Fix the relationship, not the behavior. When your child misbehaves, focus on connecting with her, not correcting her. A powerful connection will encourage her to behave in ways you approve of.
• Fix the environment, not the child. Identify your child’s triggers for misbehavior. If it’s possible, remove the triggers from her environment.
• Be your child’s coach. Help her reflect on how her behavior might be counter to some of her objectives. For example, refusing to do her school work might help a child avoid frustration temporarily, but prevent her from achieving some of her goals.
• Highlight her good intentions, even when she falls short of your expectations. This will motivate her to keep trying.

A Deeper Look at Unconditional Parenting

Neufeld and Maté's approach to demonstrating unconditional love during discipline aligns closely with Alfie Kohn's concept of unconditional parenting. Kohn provides additional insight into why conditional approaches actively damage the parent-child bond.

In his book Unconditional Parenting, Kohn argues that traditional discipline methods—the very punishments, time-outs, and withdrawn affection that Neufeld and Maté warn against—treat the parent-child relationship not as foundational but as transactional, meaning that love and affection have to be earned instead of being expected. This transactional dynamic directly undermines the secure attachment Neufeld and Maté identify as essential for preventing peer orientation. Both Kohn’s approach and that of Neufeld and Maté recognize that children whose emotional needs are conditionally met will either suppress their authentic selves to earn parental approval or seek unconditional acceptance elsewhere—most likely from peers.

Further, Kohn's framework helps clarify the rationale behind Neufeld and Maté's discipline principles. When parents fix the relationship, not the behavior, they're prioritizing long-term developmental goals (secure attachment, emotional regulation) over short-term compliance. Similarly, Neufeld and Maté’s recommendation to highlight good intentions despite failures can help you implement Kohn's principle of seeing the child as an active participant. By acknowledging your child’s motivations and intentions behind the behavior you see externally, you can engage them in problem-solving so they can find a better way to meet their goals.

Similar to Gordon and Maté, Kohn offers some ways to reframe your approach to discipline. He recommends “working with” children rather than “doing to” them. Working with children means seeing difficult behavior as a problem to be solved together, rather than as a trigger for criticism or punishment. This can look like coaching your child, rather than simply punishing her when she expresses her feelings through negative behaviors, as Gordon and Maté suggest.

Kohn also argues that parents often demand that a child do something because it makes the parents’ lives easier, not because they have the child's best interests at heart. However, unconditional parenting means putting the child first. This approach fits Gordon and Maté’s philosophy as well. For instance, changing the environment so it suits your child’s needs rather than your convenience is one way to parent unconditionally. Or, if your child’s after-school schedule is stressful for them but convenient for your work schedule, it might be time to reassess your family’s daily routines.

Strategy #2: Build a Supportive Team

Being your child’s number one attachment figure doesn’t mean you’re on your own. Neufeld and Maté recommend developing a network of trusted adults who share your values and can serve as additional attachment figures for your children—what the authors call an attachment village. This village might include extended family members, teachers, caregivers, and other parents in the community who can provide consistent guidance and emotional support alongside you.

When children have multiple caring adults in their lives, they’re less likely to rely on peer relationships for emotional support and guidance. Neufeld and Maté point out that this is crucial during adolescence because teenagers naturally distance themselves from their parents, and they need other trusted adults they can turn to during this phase.

Use the power of your attachment to your child to bring other positive adult figures into her life. Neufeld and Maté suggest the following:

• Identify trustworthy and like-minded adults who can form genuine relationships with your children and take on a parental role when needed, like when you’re sick or busy.
• Foster positive attachments with other caregiving adults, like teachers. For example, tell your child's teacher any positive comments about her your child might have made.
• Maintain friendly relationships in situations involving divorce or step-parents so your child doesn’t feel the need to choose between the positive adult figures in her life.
• Cultivate family-to-family relationships with the parents of your children's friends.

Why Your Village Might Be Missing—and How to Build a New One

Neufeld and Maté's recommendation to develop an attachment village might be complicated by what researchers increasingly recognize as a crisis in modern parenting: the collapse of the "village." Research on hunter-gatherer societies shows children historically thrived with "allomothering"—multiple caregivers sharing child-rearing responsibilities—providing exactly the attachment diversity that Neufeld and Maté describe as protective against peer orientation. But this traditional multi-caregiver model has largely disappeared in Western societies, leaving parents isolated and children without multiple attachment figures.

However, rebuilding this village can be challenging. The following strategies can help you put into practice Neufeld and Maté's approach of intentionally cultivating a network of caring adults:

• To identify trustworthy and like-minded adults, ask yourself if they’re reliable, genuinely invested in your family's well-being, and people you’d feel comfortable turning to in moments of vulnerability or urgent need.

• In situations involving divorce or step-parents, avoid arguing in front of children, using them as messengers, or involving them in disputes—these behaviors increase children's anxiety and confusion.

• To build supportive relationships with teachers, express appreciation through small gestures or notes, and participate in classroom activities and events. This demonstrates your willingness to be involved and builds community connections.

• Set a goal to spend time in spaces where other families gather—aim to do so at least three or five times a month. This will increase your chances of cultivating family-to-family friendships.

Strategy #3: Supervise Your Child’s Relationships With Peers

Family-to-family relationships also prevent children from navigating peer relationships without adult guidance. While friendships are a natural part of childhood, Neufeld and Maté believe they’re beneficial only under the guidance of adults. In this way, peer relationships complement rather than replace adult orientation. To nurture positive peer relationships, be present and involved in your child's social life while allowing appropriate space for growth. You should cultivate relationships with your child's friends and participate actively in your children's social gatherings. For example, host parties at home so you can supervise their activities and interact with each child or teen.

How to Get Involved in Your Kid’s Social Life

How can you be involved in your child’s friendships without stepping on their toes or limiting their growth? The American Psychological Association offers the following age-appropriate tips for helping your kid navigate friendships:

• For toddlers: Organize play dates and monitor them so the children are practicing skills such as turn-taking.

• For young children: Encourage kindness and perspective-taking by guiding them with specific language and examples.

• For middle schoolers: Discuss different types of popularity with your kid and help them build the self-confidence to handle peer exclusion and bullying.

• For older teens: Broaden your discussions to include romantic relationships and peer pressure, and help them normalize their insecurities and maintain their identity.

Strategy #4: Be Strategic About Technology

Neufeld and Maté argue that you should be just as strategic about your child’s digital life as you are about their social life. To this end, introduce devices to your child with careful timing and management. Children need to develop strong emotional connections with adults before introducing digital social connections. This will make superficial online interactions less appealing to them and limit the gravitational pull of technology toward peers and away from you.

Once your child is ready for technology, Neufeld and Maté outline strategies to manage its use:

• Set clear boundaries by limiting what devices she can use, when and for how long, and what kind of digital interactions she can have.
• Protect attachment-rich moments. Make specific moments like mealtimes, family gatherings, and bedtimes screen-free to foster genuine face-to-face interaction.
• Mediate your child’s access to information. Don’t let your child become overwhelmed with more information than she can process. Wait for your child to demonstrate curiosity about the world before exposing her to large amounts of information.
• Remain relevant as a knowledge source. Once your child starts accessing information online, encourage her to come to you for guidance. For example, help her process the information she finds, or teach her any skills you have that she shows an interest in.

The Family Media Use Plan

To decide whether your child is ready for a digital device, it can be helpful to ask yourself the following questions: Have you discussed topics such as online privacy, pornography, grooming, and sextortion with them yet? Do they follow limits and rules in other aspects of their life? Will they go to you if they have a serious problem or find something they don’t understand?

Once you’ve decided that your child is ready to use devices and that digital interaction won’t negatively impact your relationship, you might consider using the Family Media Use Plan (FMUP) to introduce the technology with the kind of careful management Gordon and Maté suggest. The FMUP is a tool developed by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) to help families manage and balance their use of digital devices and media.

More specifically, the FMUP helps parents outline the day-to-day logistics of device management in a way that aligns with their goals for their children. For example, it may help you:

• Protect your attachment to your child by designating media-free times and zones

• Mediate your child’s access to information by monitoring the content they consume, as Gordon and Maté recommend

• Prioritize other aspects of your child’s life, like sleep, homework, chores, and physical activity

• Set daily or weekly limits on recreational screen time according to the AAP's guidelines for various age groups

How to Reestablish the Natural Framework

We’ve discussed how to prevent peer orientation, but what if your child already seems lost to her peers? Neufeld and Maté argue that you can—and must—lead them back to you. However, you can’t force them back; you must invite them into a relationship with you by reversing the conditions that caused peer orientation. This section will explain the three steps for doing so.

Step #1: Create an Attachment Void

There must have been an attachment void in your parent-child relationship that caused your child to become peer-oriented. To reorient your child to you, create a new attachment void in your child’s relationship with her peers by limiting their interactions. Neufeld and Maté explain that the goal is to create an opening where you can step in. To this end, here are several tactics you can apply, which range in their subtlety:

• Interfere with your child’s peer interaction schedule. For example, schedule activities to do with her so she doesn’t have time to visit her peers or connect online.
• Ground your child. Grounding can restrict contact with peers while providing opportunities for increased interaction with you. However, the authors clarify that you shouldn’t emphasize its punitive aspect. Instead, you should use it as an opportunity for your child to have positive interactions with you.
• Consider drastic measures. For example, organize a family vacation, send your child away to spend some weeks with extended family, or even relocate your family to a new community where your child is not attached to their peers.

Whichever tactic you employ, Neufeld and Maté highlight that your child mustn’t realize that you’re trying to separate her from her peers. If she does, she’ll hold on tighter to her peers.

The Influence of Parenting Style

Applying Neufeld and Maté’s suggestions may be easier for some parents than others, depending on their parenting style. Psychologists Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin identify four parenting styles: authoritarian, neglectful, permissive, and authoritative.

Authoritarian parents are demanding and cold. These parents may already be experienced with more drastic tactics such as grounding their child or sending them away. However, authoritarian parents may struggle to simultaneously improve their bond with their child.

Neglectful parents are undemanding and cold. They may be inexperienced with all of the tactics Neufeld and Maté recommend, making it more difficult to create an attachment void.

Permissive parents are undemanding and warm. They might feel more comfortable with a subtle approach, such as interfering with their child’s schedule. But their child, who’s used to permissiveness, could interpret more drastic efforts as too punitive—perhaps making it difficult for the parent to maintain a positive bond.

Finally, authoritative parents are demanding and warm. This style aligns closely with Neufeld and Maté’s suggested tactics. For instance, authoritative parents may find it natural to use tactics that are simultaneously demanding and prioritize the parent-child bond, such as organizing a family vacation or relocating to a new community. Many psychologists recommend an authoritative parenting style, noting that children raised under this style tend to have the best outcomes in areas such as happiness, self-esteem, school performance, mental health, and relationships with their parents.

Step #2: Step In to Fill That Void

As you create an attachment void in your child’s relationship with her peers, you must improve your interactions with your child. This will help her see you as the best candidate for satisfying her emotional needs. Neufeld and Maté suggest creating many opportunities for one-on-one interactions with your child. These interactions are the most effective in reestablishing connections with peer-oriented children because you can pay full attention to each other and the activity you’re sharing. In practice, this might mean, say, taking your child out on a pancake date instead of eating pancakes at home, surrounded by siblings.

(Shortform note: Neufeld and Maté’s advice to create one-on-one time with peer-oriented kids echoes psychologist Becky Kennedy’s focus on connection. Kennedy argues that misbehavior often signals disconnection: Kids act out when they don’t feel safe, supported, or close to their caregivers—in other words, when they’re experiencing the attachment void that leads to peer orientation. In contrast, when kids are safely attached to their parents, they’re naturally motivated to cooperate and comply with their guidance. To restore that sense of attachment, Kennedy recommends connecting when you’re both calm, not in the heat of a meltdown. For example, don’t try to force closeness while your child is upset about missing time with friends.)

Step #3: Don’t Give Up

The final step is possibly the hardest of all: persevere. Peer-oriented children often behave in ways that can be hurtful or alienating to you as a parent. However, Gordon and Maté say it's crucial not to respond by reacting defensively or withdrawing emotionally because that will push your child further away from you. Instead, be patient and trust nature’s attachment process. Remember that the more defiant your child is, the more she needs you. The behavior problems you see are the result of your diminished parent-child relationship. Fixing your relationship will result in improving her behavior. As you help your child reorient herself, keep the lines of communication open and continue expressing your unconditional love.

Remember That You’re a Good Parent

To persevere and trust in the process, it might be helpful to remind yourself of Kennedy’s (Good Inside) key parenting principle: You and your child are good people at your core—you’re “good inside”—even when you’re struggling. When your child’s behavior is challenging, such as when she’s being hurtful or alienating, it doesn’t mean your child is bad. Likewise, if you don’t like how you’re responding to her behavior (for example, by reacting defensively or by withdrawing), it doesn’t mean you are bad. It means that you and your child are struggling and need help.

Understanding that you and your child are both good—even when you’re struggling—allows you to do the following two things:

1) See challenging behavior like defiance as a clue to investigate rather than a problem to control. When you focus on controlling behavior instead of understanding it, you don’t get to the root of the problem. Instead, find out what’s triggering the behavior and work on that underlying cause—in this case, peer orientation.

2) Lead your child with confidence, and have them follow. As Kennedy explains, when you believe your child is essentially good, you also believe that her behavior will improve under your guidance. Children notice your trust and will feel safer to try the strategies you offer to solve their problems, improving their behavior as a result.