PDF Summary:Girl, Stop Apologizing, by Rachel Hollis

In this follow-up to Girl, Wash Your Face, blogger, motivational speaker, and author Rachel Hollis writes that she’s fed up with seeing women ignore their own dreams because of self-doubt, guilt, and society’s expectation that women put others first. Hollis offers the lessons she learned in growing from humble beginnings to becoming the founder of a multimillion-dollar media company to help her readers shed the weight of expectation and achieve their dreams.

Hollis’s advice consists of excuses to let go of, behaviors to adopt, and skills to acquire. In addition, she provides a step-by-step blueprint to take your dream from fantasy to realization. In this guide, we’ll compare Hollis’s advice to that of other popular self-help authors and expand on her messages through practical exercises.

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• Eat healthy: Replace at least one unhealthy food in your diet (to start).
• Move your body: Spend at least 30 minutes moving each day.
• Practice gratitude: Designate time every day to reflect on what you are grateful for.

(Shortform note: What makes these areas important? All of them contribute to your energy levels. Taking a look at Lifehack’s list of 74 Healthy Habits That Will Drastically Improve Every Area of Your Life, you will notice that essentially every item listed (chew your food, walk at lunchtime, and so on) could be classified into one of the categories Hollis examines. The running theme in both Lifehack’s list and Hollis’s is that your overall energy and zest for life will increase if you incorporate the habits they discuss.)

Behavior: Trust Yourself as the Voice of Authority

Hollis notes that throughout history, and across the globe, the vast majority of cultures have been patriarchal. This means that the voice of authority in nearly every government and community has been male since the beginning of time. On a smaller scale, in many (not all) families, the father is the decision maker. So for most of us, the voice of authority growing up was male, and this is now ingrained in our subconscious beliefs about leadership.

If you’re a woman, Hollis says you must rewire this subconscious belief system in order to trust your own authority without the need for male validation. This takes conscious effort.

The Relationship Between Approval-Seeking and Codependence

Codependency is a psychological condition—often experienced by children of alcoholics and addicts—in which one person has an unhealthy need for another person’s approval.

Hollis is an admitted codependent. When she was growing up, every decision she made hinged on her father’s potential reaction. She sought his approval and feared his disappointment. After a decade of marriage, Hollis realized she had transferred the position of authority from her father to her husband, and she was now living for his approval and seeking his validation with every decision she made. When Hollis eventually began trusting her own decision-making skills, it was a major catalyst for her success.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie explains this pattern of behavior in depth. Her message (and Hollis’s) is that you can only break free of codependence by recognizing that other people’s thoughts and behavior aren’t your responsibility nor are they within your control.

Behavior: Advocate for Yourself

After building healthy habits and trusting your own authority, Hollis wants you to advocate for yourself. Speak up—unapologetically—because while your “village” wants to help, they can’t read your mind.

Hollis says the two best ways to advocate for yourself (and move more quickly toward your goal) is to ask for help when you need it and say no to requests that will hinder your progress.

Ask for Help

Hollis acknowledges that asking for help isn’t easy. Women in particular tend to feel guilty for inconveniencing anybody else, or they feel weak if they cannot “do it all.” This guilt and shame must be overcome.

Hollis reminds us that we each have an entire village that we can turn to when we need help. This help can come in different forms:

• Emotional support from your loved ones when you feel like quitting
• Financial support to help you get that college degree
• Child care, help around the house, and so on

The Connection Between Help and Judgment

Brené Brown (shame expert and author of Daring Greatly) discusses in a 2013 interview with Oprah the connection between help and self-judgment. According to Brown, if you judge yourself when you ask for help, then you’re also judging others when you offer help. This can cause a bit of cognitive dissonance, as you’re likely thinking: I don’t judge others when they ask for help! However, consider this alternative viewpoint:

Try instead to view the need for help as a transaction. Acknowledge that you will help when somebody else needs it, and you will receive help when you need it. Taking this perspective will release any shame that you might otherwise feel when asking for help.

Say No

Beyond asking for help when you need it, Hollis’s second way of advocating for yourself is saying “no.'' As she explains, declining requests without guilt allows you to reserve your energies for the areas of your life that are most important to you.

Hollis recommends you start by making a simple list of your priorities. Then, if the request isn’t going to serve your priorities, Hollis says you should politely decline. When you’ve decided to say no, Hollis recommends you do it as soon as possible, be polite but honest, and give a clear and firm “no” (not a probably or maybe).

Reframing Your Thinking: A No Is a Yes

In Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, Greg McKeown argues that for every “no” you deliver, you’re really saying “yes” to something else.

For example, if your friends invite you to dinner and it would mean missing family game night, instead of thinking, “I’m saying no to my friends,” reframe your thinking into, “I’m saying yes to my family.”

In this same chapter, he also offers some creative ways to decline an invitation for those who feel the word “no” is too harsh or daunting. For instance, offer an alternative. If you are uncomfortable completing the request, try offering what you are willing to do. For example, if a friend asks to borrow your car to drive to the airport, try saying, “I can’t do that, but I will take you to the airport if you’d like.” It shows that you want to help, but you still keep your boundary.

Skills to Acquire

In Part 3, Hollis provides a list of universal skills that will take you from motivation to achievement. She defines a skill as any ability that you can learn and develop over time through intentional practice. The skills she lists are often conventionally viewed as character traits—confidence, for example. However, Hollis argues that if you can develop confidence and use it as a tool, then it is indeed a skill.

In this section, we will take a look at five universal skills Hollis believes will serve you best in the pursuit of your dream.

Skill: Confidence

Hollis makes clear that confidence is important to success because if you already believe that you’re bad at something, you’re unlikely to even attempt it. In her experience, there are three distinct areas where you can develop confidence: how you look, how you act, and who you hang out with.

• How you look: Develop a personal style that makes you feel incredible on the outside. The inside will follow.
• How you act: Fake it until you make it. You have to push your own boundaries in order to grow.
• Who you hang out with: If you surround yourself with confident people, it will rub off on you.

(Shortform note: Self-confidence is more valuable to success than most people realize. According to Psychology Today, self-confidence decreases fear and anxiety, increases motivation, builds resilience, improves your relationships, and allows you to connect to your authentic self.)

Skill: Persistence

Hollis states that nothing significant in her life came quickly. She stresses the importance of sticking to your plan and riding out challenges. To build persistence, Hollis says you need a total mindset shift. For every goal you have, prepare for the long haul, expect rejection, and avoid the trap of comparison.

(Shortform note: Angela Duckworth, author of Grit, analyzes in depth the importance of perseverance (persistence) in the face of adversity. In her research, she found that grit was a greater indicator of future success than IQ. Duckworth defines grit as a combination of persistence and passion, so it stands to reason that having a strong “why,” or purpose you feel passionate about, and the willingness to fight for it is your best bet at achieving any dream.)

Skill: Effectiveness

Hollis advocates learning how to manage your time efficiently to get the most out of it. She recommends you take the following five actions:

• Replace your to-do list with an outcomes list (what are you trying to accomplish?)
• Evaluate your efficiency (is there a quicker way to get things done?)
• Use what helps you focus (music or a comfortable chair?)
• Avoid your biggest distractions (eliminate them instead of trying to ignore them)
• Be willing to adjust course (flexibility is key to recognizing opportunities)

(Shortform note: Cal Newport offers several strategies for increasing your focus to be more effective in his book, Deep Work. One strategy that he recommends is training your “focus muscles'' by allowing yourself to be bored in situations where you would normally distract yourself. For example, if you’re waiting in line at the DMV, you might naturally reach for your phone. Instead, resist the urge and allow the boredom to happen. This is great focus training for your brain because you will develop increased control and discipline over your thoughts in the same way that an athlete controls their physical movements.)

Skill: Positivity

Hollis argues that by choosing positivity every day, you will recognize the abundance of opportunities and blessings at your feet. As a result, you will have greater success in any goal you aspire to accomplish. She acknowledges that we can’t control the hardships that come our way. However, she notes that we can control how we respond to these obstacles, disappointments, and catastrophes.

One way that Hollis believes you can practice positivity is to control your inner dialogue. Your running mental dialogue is the soundtrack to your life. She believes if you criticize or pity yourself, even if it’s just in your thoughts, these feelings manifest as a negative attitude. When you feel the negative inner dialogue creeping in, Hollis advises you to redirect the conversation in the same way that you could shift a conversation happening out loud.

Toxic Positivity: When Is It Okay to Have Negative Vibes?

While the benefits of positivity have been well-documented, it can be taken too far.

Since the time this book was published in 2019, the topic of toxic positivity has garnered attention. Toxic positivity is the belief that we should feel positive emotions all of the time, regardless of the circumstance. Rachel Hollis has faced criticism for encouraging positivity to a level that many people find unhealthy. At the time this guide is being written, Hollis has not yet addressed this criticism.

How do you know when positivity is healthy or toxic?

It has been proven through numerous studies that people who have a positive outlook enjoy longer lifespans, less illness, and healthier relationships. As Mayo Clinic points out, however, there’s a difference between approaching situations with a solutions-mindset and ignoring life’s problems altogether. The latter is when positivity is actually false and toxic.

Executing Your Dream

Hollis has walked you through all of the excuses that will hold you back and revealed the truth beneath each one. She has given you behaviors to turn into habits, and she has suggested skills to develop. If you were a carpenter, you’d now have all of the tools necessary to get the job done. The final thing you need is the blueprint, and then you can get to work.

Your blueprint is a universal step-by-step template that you can use as many times as you want on as many goals as you desire. Here’s how you execute.

First, Choose One Goal Only

Hollis argues that having a long list of goals is wonderful, but that working on more than one at one time is ineffective. First, you will spread yourself too thin and not dedicate enough energy and time to any one thing to make it happen. Second, if you’re working on multiple goals at a time, you might give yourself permission to quit when it gets tough because you’ve got other things going on. But how to choose?

First, visualize: Ask yourself, “Who do I want to be in 10 years?” Write furiously for five minutes straight, describing in detail who you want to be and what that person is doing. Next, strategize: Take a look at what you wrote, and make a list of accomplishments that would make this dream life possible. Be specific and include only what is crucial. Finally, prioritize: Of all the accomplishments on your list, choose one goal you can work on right now.

(Shortform note: Gary Keller, author of The One Thing, centers his book around the idea that choosing one impactful goal-oriented task at a time and performing them sequentially is far more effective than doing several tasks simultaneously. One strategy that he suggests is “going small,” which means to ignore the dozens of things you could be working on, and instead focus on one small task at a time.)

Second, Break Down Your Goal Into Steps

Hollis instructs you to thoroughly plan out your attack, working backward. Chunk your goal into steps, beginning with identifying your goal’s three most crucial targets to hit. These are the three things that, if accomplished, will get you all the way to your goal. From there, make a list of how to get from target to target.

What you’re left with is a step-by-step guide to go from your starting point all the way to your finished goal.

(Shortform note: This is a great place to utilize the “outcomes list” that Hollis suggested earlier. For example, if your first target on the way to becoming a doctor is to get accepted into medical school, your outcomes list might include items such as: secure three letters of recommendation, complete all necessary prerequisites, and so on.)