PDF Summary:Disarming the Narcissist, by Wendy T. Behary

Dealing with a narcissist—whether a partner, family member, or colleague—can leave you feeling exhausted, confused, and trapped. In Disarming the Narcissist, Wendy T. Behary explains the psychological roots of narcissistic behavior and offers practical strategies for managing relationships with narcissistic individuals while protecting your own well-being.

Behary explores how childhood experiences and maladaptive schemas shape narcissistic traits, and she explains why narcissists struggle with empathy and intimacy. You'll learn communication techniques for disarming narcissistic behavior, recognize when a relationship has become dangerous, and discover how to protect children from narcissistic parents. This guide provides tools for navigating these challenging relationships and knowing when it's time to prioritize your safety and walk away.

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(Shortform note: These schemas may not apply to all narcissists. In an academic paper, psychologists explain that people who score high on grandiose narcissism but low on narcissistic vulnerability don’t feel emotionally deprived. Instead, they feel confident in themselves and believe that others admire them. This suggests that they don’t believe that no one will ever meet their needs or love them for who they are.)

On the other hand, Behary explains that people interacting with narcissists may have schemas like sacrificing themselves and feeling subordinate. People with self-sacrifice beliefs feel undeserving or remorseful when they request what they need. They feel torn, both guilty and resentful. People with subjugation schemas have difficulty asserting their rights and opinions. They feel intimidated and compelled to bury their anger or deny their point of view.

(Shortform note: In some cultures, people may act in ways that seem like sacrificing themselves or feeling subordinate around others, but it’s not because of self-sacrifice or subjugation schemas. In cultures where people are highly interdependent, they may act in ways that seem self-sacrificing or subordinate to people from more independent cultures. However, these behaviors may be a reflection of shared cultural values rather than a sign of a schema.)

These schemas may have developed in childhood when they were mistreated or taken advantage of. They may have learned to subjugate themselves by hiding their feelings and doing what they were told. Now, as adults, they deal with being controlled and abused by withdrawing and following orders.

Additionally, people with self-sacrifice schemas might have grown up believing they couldn't rely on anyone, that the people they loved could leave them, or that they would never truly be loved or understood. They may have learned to prioritize others' needs over their own. They may have believed they were a burden to their parents and put effort into making them happy, feeling guilty and loyal even when they felt neglected or deserted. Now, when dealing with narcissists, they hide their needs and give in, enabling the narcissist and sacrificing their own needs.

The Origins of Self-Sacrifice and Subjugation

The self-sacrifice and subjugation schemas Behary describes have been recognized in the psychological literature for decades. In the 1980s, psychologist Dana Crowley Jack developed the “silencing the self” theory, which describes how women in controlling relationships often suppress their own needs and desires to maintain harmony and avoid conflict. Jack’s research found that these patterns of self-sacrifice and compliance are often survival strategies developed in response to power imbalances in relationships. Jack’s work also highlighted the link between these schemas and depression, showing that the chronic suppression of one’s own needs can lead to significant mental health challenges.

Disarming Strategies & Tools

Now, let's explore some strategies for disarming narcissists and maintaining safe connections with them.

Implementing Disarming Techniques

Core Disarming Communication

Behary suggests using the FORCE approach to communicate effectively with narcissistic individuals. FORCE is an acronym representing adaptability, open-mindedness, responsiveness, capability, and insight. She explains that when you communicate with a narcissist, you need to be flexible and adjust your statements to fit the situation. Additionally, you must remain open and listen without judgment, as well as be receptive, using your body language to show that you’re ready to listen. Additionally, you must be competent and show you're clear and sensible when communicating. Finally, you must be enlightened and foster an environment where you both become aware and understand each other.

The OARS Approach

The FORCE approach is similar to the OARS approach, which was developed in the 1980s. OARS stands for open-ended questions, affirmations, reflective listening, and summaries. This approach was developed by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick in their book Motivational Interviewing. The OARS approach is a set of communication skills that help people engage in meaningful conversations and build rapport. The OARS approach is based on the idea that people are more likely to change when they feel understood and supported. The OARS approach is used in various settings, such as counseling, coaching, education, and healthcare.

Navigating Relationships & Ensuring Safety

Behary emphasizes the importance of recognizing when being involved with a narcissist is too dangerous to maintain. Some narcissists are so harmful that you should leave the relationship. These narcissists are often men who may be hypersexual, showing no remorse for their actions and no sense of morality. They could even be sociopaths, showing no consideration for others. If you have a relationship with a narcissist like this, Behary advises making a plan to leave and protect yourself. You should also consult a legal expert familiar with narcissism.

Leaving a Dangerous Narcissist

One problem with Behary’s advice is that it doesn’t account for the fact that leaving a dangerous narcissist can put you in more danger. According to a study by Jacquelyn C. Campbell et al., women in abusive relationships are at a higher risk of being killed by their partner when they try to leave. The study found that women who had separated from their partners were at a higher risk of being killed than those who were still in the relationship. The risk was even higher if the partner was highly controlling, had threatened to kill them, or had access to weapons. This suggests that leaving an abusive relationship can be a dangerous time, and women need to be extra careful and get help from experts when planning to leave.

Furthermore, Behary explains that characteristics of narcissistic personalities are often associated with betrayal-related trauma. Betrayal trauma arises when a person you're reliant on for your well-being or emotionally connected to betrays your trust in a major way. It's a betrayal by the individual you'd usually go to for security, reassurance, and shelter. Betrayal trauma is frequently diminished to just "relationship conflict," but it involves much more than that. It puts your emotional security at risk. Sexual betrayal might be the most horrific and disruptive violation a person can experience and heal from.

(Shortform note: Understanding the difference between betrayal trauma and relationship conflict can help you validate your experience and find the right support. In Betrayal Trauma, Jennifer Freyd explains that when trauma is caused by someone you depend on, your mind may try to protect you by forgetting or minimizing the event. This can make it hard to recognize the full impact of what happened. By acknowledging your experience as betrayal trauma, you can better understand why you might feel confused, anxious, or have trouble trusting others. This awareness can guide you toward trauma-informed approaches that address the unique challenges of healing when the person who hurt you is also someone you relied on.)

It might involve gambling, illegal drug use, leading a double existence, and acting out sexually. These actions can lead to serious addiction if left unaddressed, putting a healthy partnership's stability at risk. Behary also notes that narcissists really struggle with emotionally intimate relationships because their vulnerability is isolated. They struggle with intimate personal relationships and are hesitant to enter a space where they aren't dominant. Sex is used for comfort and distraction, as a means to escape painful emotions, boredom, and stress. Trauma from being betrayed can cause mental and physical effects like feeling anxious, hypervigilant, overwhelmed, withdrawing and isolating, struggling to concentrate and manage strong emotions, avoiding situations, having flashbacks and negative thoughts, feeling numb and detached, experiencing sleep and appetite disruptions, and developing somatic symptoms such as headaches and tremors.

Betrayal Trauma Theory

The study of trauma has a long history, with roots in the 19th century when doctors first recognized the psychological impact of traumatic events. Over time, our understanding of trauma has evolved, with significant contributions from fields like psychology, psychiatry, and neuroscience. One important area of trauma research is betrayal trauma theory, which explores how people respond to trauma caused by someone they depend on, like a parent or partner. In her book Betrayal Trauma, Jennifer J. Freyd explains that when the person who violates or exploits us is also someone we rely on for care or survival, our minds may adapt by keeping the knowledge of that betrayal outside of our awareness. This can lead to dissociation, emotional numbing, and other patterns that seem self-destructive but actually serve to protect us from the full impact of the trauma.

Now, let's explore how to prioritize safety and protection when interacting with a narcissist.

Prioritizing Safety & Protection

Behary stresses the importance of protecting children from the damaging behavior of a narcissistic parent. Parents with narcissism may be emotionally absent, overly critical, or place unrealistic demands on their children. This can damage the kids' confidence and emotional well-being. You can counteract this by being a healthy parent who helps heal the damage from the narcissistic parent. You can also help your children by teaching them about narcissistic behavior and personality problems. This helps them understand that they aren't at fault for how their narcissistic mother or father behaves.

To be a safe, supportive parent, listen to your kids' concerns and validate their feelings. Teach them to convey their emotions and assert themselves. You should also model healthy coping strategies for managing anxiety and frustration.

Avoid Forcing Children to Choose Sides

While Behary recommends teaching your children about their narcissistic parent's behavior, this can be a double-edged sword. If you explain the narcissistic parent's problems too directly, your child may feel pressured to choose sides between you. This can be highly distressing for children, as they naturally want to love and be loved by both parents. They may feel guilty for having positive feelings toward the narcissistic parent or fear losing the support of the healthier parent if they don't take their side. This internal conflict can lead to anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues. To avoid this, focus on teaching your child about healthy relationships and self-worth without directly criticizing the other parent. This approach helps your child develop resilience and understanding without feeling caught in the middle.

Additionally, Behary suggests seeking legal help if the co-parent with narcissistic traits is unsafe or threatening. If your child's narcissistic parent could potentially behave dangerously or violently, or if they're threatening to kidnap your children, seek advice from a counselor specializing in domestic violence, a therapist who works with families, a lawyer, or a child protective services professional. If you're in immediate peril, reach out to the authorities for a protective order.

The Danger of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft notes that when an abusive or controlling man begins to feel that he is losing his grip on his partner—because she is taking concrete steps toward ending the relationship, disclosing his behavior to others, or turning to outside systems such as the courts or child-custody agencies—the level of danger to her and the children frequently increases. This is because he may experience these developments as an intolerable threat to his power and respond with intensified intimidation, stalking, or violence.