PDF Summary:Created for Connection, by Sue Johnson

Strong emotional bonds are fundamental to our well-being—they shape how we see ourselves, interact with others, and connect with the world around us. But when these bonds are damaged or insecure, we can fall into destructive patterns that push away the very connection we crave. In Created for Connection, Sue Johnson explores how secure attachment forms the foundation of healthy relationships and explains why emotional safety is necessary for intimacy and trust.

Drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Johnson examines common negative interaction patterns that destroy relationships and offers practical techniques for building stronger bonds. You'll learn how attachment wounds develop, why we react defensively when our vulnerabilities are triggered, and how partners can work together to heal past hurts and create lasting emotional connection. Johnson also explores the relationship between attachment, faith, and spiritual connection.

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Johnson’s advice to heal attachment wounds together may not be safe in relationships marked by coercive control or intimidation. In Why Does He Do That?, domestic-violence expert Lundy Bancroft warns that couples therapy can be dangerous in abusive relationships. He explains that abusers often use therapy to manipulate their partners and therapists, and that the process can give them new tools to control and intimidate their victims. Bancroft also notes that couples therapy can reinforce the abuser’s belief that the victim is partly to blame for the abuse, which can increase the victim’s self-blame and make it harder for them to leave the relationship.

Attachment, Intimacy & Spiritual Connection

Johnson believes that strong emotional bonds enhance intimacy and foster spiritual unity. Emotional safety allows partners to be more open and vulnerable, leading to deeper intimacy. This creates a positive feedback loop: emotional connection leads to better sex, and better sex leads to stronger emotional connection.

Solid emotional bonds also enhance spiritual connection. When partners feel safe with one another, they can be more open with God. Feeling loved by God helps them feel less ashamed and more able to reveal themselves to their partner. Spiritual rituals like joint prayer and exchanging devotions can bring partners closer together.

Additionally, secure emotional bonds make us more caring about others. When we feel secure and cherished, we can give and be energetic. We're likelier to connect with them emotionally and have a more positive view of people.

Attachment and Religion

Lee A. Kirkpatrick, a psychologist who studies attachment theory, has written about the connection between attachment and religion. He notes that people with secure attachment styles tend to have more positive views of God and religion. They also tend to have more satisfying sexual relationships. He explains that people with secure attachment styles are more comfortable with intimacy and closeness, which can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences. In contrast, people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle with intimacy and have more difficulty connecting with their partners sexually. Kirkpatrick also notes that people with secure attachment styles tend to be more caring and compassionate toward others, which can lead to more positive relationships overall.

Methods and Applications of Emotionally Focused Therapy

We’ll now discuss how negative interaction patterns can destroy relationships and how techniques from Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT) can help partners build secure connections by fostering emotional presence and understanding.

Identifying & Understanding Negative Interaction Patterns

Johnson explains that unhelpful ways of interacting can ruin relationships. These patterns make both partners feel unsafe and defensive, hindering any efforts to fix and restore the relationship. As you strike more, you seem like a bigger threat to your partner, making them watch for your assault and hit back even harder. This creates a feedback loop that perpetuates the negative pattern. The Protest Polka represents the most frequent negative interaction pattern, in which one partner becomes critical and aggressive while the other becomes defensive and distant. Couples who experience this pattern during the initial years of marriage are over 80 percent likely to divorce within four to five years.

(Shortform note: While the Protest Polka may increase the likelihood of divorce, it’s unlikely that over 80 percent of couples who experience it in the initial years of marriage will divorce within four to five years. In a 14-year study of newlywed couples, John M. Gottman and Robert W. Levenson found that couples who divorced early in the marriage tended to display high levels of negative affect—especially criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—together with an elevated ratio of negative to positive behavior and signs of physiological flooding during conflict. By contrast, couples who divorced later in the marriage were more likely to show a pattern of emotional disengagement characterized by low levels of both positive and negative affect. However, these patterns were not universal, and some couples with high levels of early negativity remained married throughout the study period.)

The other two negative interaction patterns are Finding Fault, where both partners attack, accuse, or blame each other, and Freeze and Flee, where both partners withdraw and shut down. These behaviors are often triggered by raw spots, which are emotional wounds from past experiences. When these emotional wounds are triggered, we react defensively, either by lashing out in anger or shutting down. These reactions conceal emotions like sorrow, embarrassment, and fear, which are core to vulnerability. As we increasingly protect our emotional vulnerabilities, we further sabotage the loving responsiveness we long for.

(Shortform note: The concept of raw spots and the defensive moves in the Finding Fault and Freeze and Flee patterns are rooted in the experiential theory of emotion, which emphasizes the importance of accessing and processing emotions to facilitate change. In Emotion-Focused Therapy, Leslie Greenberg explains that secondary reactive emotions, such as hostility, contempt, or emotional numbness, are defensive responses that develop to shield us from the pain of more fundamental primary emotions. These primary emotions are organized in enduring emotion schemes formed in significant past relationships. Johnson later integrated this approach with attachment theory to create a relationship-focused model.)

To halt these damaging dynamics, Johnson advises you to identify and curb the negative interaction patterns. You also need to identify and comfort your raw spots and assist your partner in doing the same. People who grew up in stable, nurturing bonds will find it easier to heal these wounds. Their tender areas are limited and not as profound. Once they comprehend the root causes of their harmful interactions, they can progress past them swiftly and heal the wounds. For those who've experienced trauma or neglect from loved ones or people they depended on, it takes more time and effort. Their vulnerabilities are so intense and sensitive that it becomes incredibly difficult for them to confront their fears and have faith in their partner's support.

Abuse and Raw Spots

If your partner is abusive, this advice may not apply to you. If your partner is emotionally, physically, or spiritually abusive, they may use your vulnerabilities against you. They may also use your vulnerabilities to justify their abusive behavior. For example, if you have a raw spot about being abandoned, your partner may threaten to leave you if you don't do what they want. If you have a raw spot about being criticized, your partner may constantly criticize you to make you feel bad about yourself. If you have a raw spot about being controlled, your partner may try to control every aspect of your life.

We’ll next explain how couples fall into these patterns of disconnection and how they can de-escalate conflicts and repair their relationship.

Patterns of Withdrawal

Johnson notes that couples often develop negative disconnection habits. The most frequent pattern is the Protest Polka, where one partner gets critical and aggressive, and the other becomes defensive and pulls away. This pattern emerges as a response to the perceived loss of a secure connection. The more one partner blames, the more the other withdraws, and vice versa. This pattern is so destructive that couples who fall into it early in marriage are more than 80% likely to divorce within five years.

(Shortform note: The statistic Johnson cites comes from a study by Gottman and Levenson, who found that couples who displayed certain negative interaction patterns early in marriage were more likely to divorce within five years. However, the study’s findings are more nuanced than Johnson’s summary suggests. The researchers found that no single interaction pattern was sufficient to predict divorce. Instead, their best predictions came from multivariate models that combined multiple behavioral dimensions with physiological and health data.)

Another negative pattern is Pin the Blame, in which each person holds the other responsible for their problems. This keeps couples from reengaging and developing a feeling of safety. The third negative pattern is to freeze and flee, in which both partners withdraw from each other. This often occurs after a period of the Protest Polka, and both partners become despondent, causing them to surrender their feelings and desires, resulting in a void of emotion and a sense of disconnection.

The Research Tradition Behind the Negative Patterns

The concepts of “Pin the Blame” and “freeze and flee” are part of a research tradition that focuses on the systems of relationships rather than the personalities of the individuals in the relationship. This tradition is exemplified by the work of John Gottman, who videotaped couples discussing their problems and then coded their behaviors to identify patterns. This approach allows researchers to classify couples’ conflict styles based on their interactions rather than attributing problems to individual personalities.

De-escalation & Repair

Johnson believes that couples can learn to reduce the intensity of conflicts and repair their relationship. Calming conflicts involves stopping harmful cycles, calling a truce, and rekindling a more affectionate bond. It's easier for those who feel secure in their relationship because they can examine the dynamic between them and acknowledge their role in it. However, for lovers in distress, de-escalation is more difficult. Caught up in emotional chaos, they view one another as threats. To reconnect, they have to actively create emotional safety, work together to reduce unproductive conversations, and alleviate their deep-rooted insecurities.

(Shortform note: To calm conflicts, start with a “soft start-up.” This means opening a difficult conversation in a gentle, non-accusatory way. Instead of criticizing your partner, focus on expressing your own feelings and needs. For example, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try, “I feel overwhelmed with chores and would appreciate your help.” This approach reduces defensiveness and sets a positive tone for the conversation. Using a calm voice and open body language can further ease tension. By starting gently, you create a safer space for both partners to share and listen, making it easier to resolve issues without escalating into a full-blown argument.)

Although they might not have the level of closeness they desire, they can offend one another and then do damage control. They can disagree and avoid falling into demonizing conversations. They can address each other's vulnerabilities without resorting to anxiety-driven demands or withdrawing. They can also manage more effectively the paradox that the person they love is both the remedy for their fear and a potential cause of it. In conclusion, they can remain emotionally steady more frequently and effortlessly. This provides a foundation for mending fractures and developing a genuinely loving bond.

(Shortform note: In a long-term study of married couples, John Gottman found that the most important predictor of whether a couple would stay together was whether they could make successful “repair attempts” during conflict. These are moments when one partner tries to de-escalate the situation, such as by making a joke or expressing affection. Couples who could successfully repair after an argument were more likely to stay together, even if they had frequent conflicts. This suggests that the ability to handle hurtful moments skillfully is more important than avoiding them altogether.)

To learn to de-escalate, Johnson suggests that couples reflect on challenging moments in their partnership and work on smoothing the ground. They can revisit heated conflicts and quieter ongoing separations. They can pause and inquire of one another, "What just took place here?" They can direct each other to crucial points when insecurity intensified and demonstrate how they could have moved toward a more positive outcome.

(Shortform note: For some couples, this kind of reflection may not be helpful. For example, if one partner is having an ongoing affair, the other partner may be at risk of being manipulated by the unfaithful partner. The unfaithful partner may use the information they learn about their partner’s emotional vulnerabilities to further manipulate them. Similarly, in cases of coercive control, the more vulnerable partner may need individual support and clear safety boundaries before engaging in this kind of reflection.)

EFT Techniques for Building Secure Connection

Johnson asserts that EFT techniques help partners build secure bonds by fostering being emotionally present and understanding each other. If the partners are open to emotional connection, they can acknowledge each other's hurt and their own role in causing it. This recognition helps the hurt partner process their pain differently. The partner who caused the hurt can help the other understand why they acted the way they did, which helps restore predictability and safety in the relationship. They can then take ownership of their actions and express genuine remorse, helping the hurt partner feel secure enough to open up about their vulnerable feelings and allowing trust to grow again.

Memory Reconsolidation

In Unlocking the Emotional Brain, Bruce Ecker, Laurel Hulley, and Robin Ticic explain that the brain stores emotional memories in neural circuits. When a memory is triggered, the brain expects a certain emotional response. However, if the brain experiences a new, unexpected emotional response, it can update the old memory. This process, called memory reconsolidation, allows the brain to replace outdated emotional responses with new, healthier ones. By repeatedly experiencing safety and understanding in situations that previously triggered fear or insecurity, the brain learns to associate these situations with positive emotions instead. This helps partners move past old hurts and build a stronger, more secure bond.