PDF Summary:Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

What’s the key to a happy relationship? In Attached, psychiatrist Dr. Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller argue that the secret is understanding attachment styles: the different ways that people express and perceive romantic intimacy.

In this guide, you’ll learn what attachment styles are and how you can use your knowledge of them to find a good relationship—or improve the one you already have. You’ll also discover the hidden dynamics that play a starring role in your relationship conflicts, even if you’re just fighting about who’ll make dinner. Along the way, you’ll also discover the latest research regarding attachment and discover practical tips from other psychologists so you can have the best relationship possible.

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How Other Attachment Theorists Describe Anxious Attachment

Levine and Heller’s definitions of the terms “activating strategies” and “protest behavior” are somewhat confusing. Despite using the word “strategy,” they define an “activating strategy” exclusively as a thought or feeling—not an action or plan. Additionally, they define “protest behavior” as “any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention.” By this definition, calling your partner once because she’s late coming home—an action most would find reasonable—is protest behavior. But the authors heavily imply that protest behavior must negatively impact the relationship: All of their examples of protest behavior feature unhealthy relationship behaviors, and they describe protest behavior as something you “resort to” when you’re unable to effectively communicate your needs.

Levine and Heller’s confusing definitions may result from their attempt at originality. Today, many modern-day attachment theorists refer to “hyperactivating strategies.” This all-encompassing term describes both the thoughts and feelings that prompt an anxious attacher to seek intimacy when threatened —what Levine and Heller call activating strategies—and the behavior these attachers use to regain that intimacy—what Levine and Heller call “protest behavior.” But the term specifies that these behaviors are “clingy and controlling”—so a single phone call would likely not be considered an undesirable attachment response.

If you’re an anxious attacher, accepting your romantic needs is critical to developing a happy relationship. Levine and Heller explain that many anxious attachers try to ignore their needs for intimacy and reassurance because they’re ashamed of them. But if you don’t accept these needs, you won’t express them and give your partner the opportunity to fulfill them. Alternatively, you may select a partner who’s incapable of fulfilling these needs. Either way, you’ll be perpetually unhappy because your relationship isn’t giving you what you need.

(Shortform note: You can only accept your romantic needs if you know exactly what they are. To determine yours, one anxious attachment style coach recommends reviewing whether your complaints about former partners signaled unfulfilled needs. For example, if you disliked that your partner didn’t text you every day, daily contact with your partner may be a need.)

How Avoidant Attachers Behave

A person with an avoidant attachment style doesn't possess a compelling desire to achieve closeness with a romantic partner. Like all humans, their brains are wired to seek an intimate connection, but when the partnership gets too close, they feel suffocated.

(Shortform note: The avoidant attacher’s evasion of intimacy isn’t just limited to romantic relationships; it affects their relationships with their children, too. Research indicates that avoidant attachers may not enjoy parenting their babies as much as secure attachers and that they tend to find parenting more stressful.)

Avoidant attachers employ several techniques to maintain some emotional distance from their partners. These techniques, also known as “deactivating strategies,” are thoughts or behaviors the avoidant attacher uses to keep their independence in the relationship and avoid getting too close, such as consistently prioritizing alone time over time with their partner. But by distancing yourself from your partner, you may damage the health of your relationship.

(Shortform note: The term “deactivating strategy” seems similar to “activating strategy,” but Levine and Heller’s usage of the terms are more different than they initially appear. Activating strategies are the thoughts and feelings that drive your actions—not the actions you take. In contrast, deactivating strategies include both your thoughts and your actions.)

If you’re an avoidant attacher, recognizing and combating your deactivating strategies can help you have a happy relationship. One strategy Levine and Heller recommend is to second-guess your negative thoughts about your partner: Is it really a problem, or are you trying to push your partner away?

(Shortform note: If the thing you dislike about your partner isn’t really a problem but still bothers you, try to accept your partner’s flaws. To do so, one psychologist recommends focusing on your own flaws: Reminding yourself of what you make your partner deal with may help keep their flaws in perspective.)

Incompatible Attachment Styles: Understanding Anxious-Avoidant Partnerships

Now that you know both your own and your partner’s attachment style, you can assess whether you’re capable of fulfilling each other’s emotional needs. Levine and Heller explain that while any attachment style combination can work, one is particularly volatile: anxious and avoidant attachers. In this section, we’ll discuss why people in anxious-avoidant relationships struggle so much, techniques to improve that relationship—and when you should end it.

Why Anxious-Avoidant Pairs Struggle

Levine and Heller explain that people in long-term anxious-avoidant relationships get stuck in a cycle of conflict because their intimacy needs clash. The anxious attacher always wants to be closer. The avoidant attacher will occasionally accept increased intimacy but soon grow uncomfortable and withdraw. The anxious attacher responds to this withdrawal by trying to reconnect—which repels the avoidant partner even more.

(Shortform note: Anxious and avoidant attachers may also have personality traits that exacerbate conflicts between them: One study found that anxious attachers tend to care more about fairness than avoidant attachers. So, for example, an anxious attacher may grow upset that her partner isn’t pulling equal weight in their relationship—then grow even more upset when the avoidant attacher doesn’t think this apparent inequality is a big deal.)

Levine and Heller note that while these partners may love each other, their interactions tend to worsen over time because the couple's different needs expand into every corner of life. For example, if Avoidant Annie is reluctant to marry because she wants to maintain her independence, that desire probably won’t disappear after the wedding—and may later manifest in a fight about whether to vacation together or separately. Every aspect of their shared life becomes a point of contention, and each partner’s happiness in the relationship deteriorates.

(Shortform note: You may be able to avoid at least some of this relationship deterioration by talking explicitly about your needs and values in the way relationship counselors recommend you do prior to marriage. One counselor recommends that engaged couples discuss how much time they expect to spend with each other: Once you’re married, are weekends just for your spouse? This might be particularly helpful for anxious-avoidant couples to help them understand and prepare for their differing expectations.)

Given the volatility of and pain experienced by people in anxious-avoidant relationships, Levine and Heller recommend avoiding them if you can. In other words, if you’re an anxious attacher, steer clear of long-term relationships with avoidant attachers, who can’t meet your intimacy needs. Similarly, avoidant attachers should steer clear of anxious attachers, who’ll exacerbate their desire for independence.

(Shortform note: Some critics argue that Levine and Heller default too heavily to insisting that people with insecure attachment styles find secure partners instead of trying to improve their relationships—especially when it comes to anxious-avoidant partnerships. Instead of breaking up, one option that the authors mention but don’t delve deeply into is Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT. In EFT, both partners are taught how to break out of the behavioral patterns they’re stuck in, which could improve their relationship.)

How Anxious-Avoidant Pairs Can Be Happy: Find Secure Role Models

If you’re already in an anxious-avoidant partnership, what should you do? One way you can improve your relationship, according to Levine and Heller, is by finding a secure role model and mimicking their behavior. They contend that by repeatedly behaving like a secure person, you gradually develop a more secure attachment style—and, as we’ve seen, the more secure your attachment style, the more fulfilling your relationships tend to be.

Why Does Behaving Securely Shift Your Attachment Style?

Levine and Heller don’t specify why behaving like a secure person shifts your attachment style. It’s possible that secure relationship behaviors are similar to what productivity expert James Clear calls identity-based habits. In Atomic Habits, Clear contends that you should first decide who you want to be, then develop the habits you think that person would engage in. He explains that by behaving like the person you want to be, you prove to yourself that you are that person—so you continue performing those behaviors as an expression of your identity. Similarly, behaving like a secure person could make you believe that you are a secure person—and shift your attachment style as a result.

To practice secure behavior effectively, Levine and Heller recommend that both the anxious and avoidant partner do the following:

1. Find a role model—someone who has a comfortable and secure way of dealing with others.
2. Think about the role model’s specific behaviors and actions in response to a variety of life situations. For example, how do they behave when someone in their life angers them?
3. When you face a conflict, think about what your role model would do—and use their behavior to inform your own.

How Others Recommend Role-Modeling Secure Behavior

Many experts recommend mimicking secure role models, but their recommendations differ from Levine and Heller’s in some key ways. Notably, Levine and Heller state that your role model can be someone you know either well or superficially. In contrast, one advice columnist warns against modeling your relationships after couples you don’t know well: The less you know the couple, the greater the chances you’ll idealize their relationship.

In addition, while Levine and Heller recommend learning by observing others’ behavior, this columnist recommends asking the couple directly how they behave in various situations instead of relying solely on your observations.

When You Should End the Relationship

While you can learn from role models, some relationships can’t be fixed. Levine and Heller explain that if you’re an anxious person with an avoidant partner and the following statements ring true, your partnership has become harmful and possibly abusive, and you may need to end it:

1. Your partner is kind to everybody else but not to you—in fact, you don’t like to discuss with others how your partner treats you.
2. Your partner values others’ opinions more than yours.
3. You don't really know much about your partner's life, so you feel you have to spy on them to find out.
4. You don't know if you can count on your partner to be there for you in an emergency situation.

Avoidant vs. Abusive: How Can You Tell?

Levine and Heller don’t properly distinguish between behaviors that are harmful versus abusive, only noting that these behaviors occur if the avoidant partner views their anxious partner as “the enemy.” This may lead the anxious partner to misidentify the nature of the behaviors they’re experiencing—or not notice that their own behavior may be abusive: Notably, spying on your partner is considered a sign of abuse. If you think you might be experiencing abuse, experts generally recommend calling a local domestic violence hotline to get the support you need.

While the behaviors the authors describe may or may not be abusive, they are definitely harmful to the health of your relationship. All of these behaviors indicate contempt toward your partner, which is a death knell for your relationship. In fact, renowned relationship researcher John Gottman has found that contempt is the “number one predictor of divorce.”

How to Behave More Securely in Your Relationships

Copying the behaviors of secure attachers isn’t the only benefit for people in anxious-avoidant relationships: Levine and Heller contend that learning to communicate and to fight like a secure attacher benefits your romantic relationships. In this section, you’ll first learn why it’s important to communicate like a secure attacher and how exactly you can do so. Then, you’ll learn why it’s important to handle conflicts like a secure attacher and the rules you should follow when you fight.

Four Rules for Communicating Like a Secure Attacher

Levine and Heller contend that whether you’re single or partnered, learning to communicate like a secure attacher will help you thrive in your intimate relationships. If you’re seeking a new partner, communicating your needs directly and honestly can help you choose someone who’s emotionally capable of meeting them and weed out the ones who aren’t. Once you're in a relationship, communicating effectively helps ensure your needs are met.

(Shortform note: Levine and Heller’s contention that communication is essential to relationships echoes that of many relationship experts. In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, relationship counselor John Gray expands upon this contention: He argues that in heterosexual relationships, women and men are practically speaking different languages because men talk to communicate information while women talk to communicate feelings—and to have a successful relationship, you must learn to respond to what your partner actually wants. Generally speaking, men should communicate how much they care about their female partner, while women should communicate how much they trust their male partner.)

Levine and Heller explain that to communicate like a secure attacher, express your needs and expectations directly and in a nonthreatening, inoffensive, and noncritical manner. You can do so by following these four rules.

1. Be honest and speak openly. Your needs matter—no matter how your partner feels about them. It might be scary, but it’s only by making your desires clear that you give your partner the opportunity to fulfill them. Example: "I’d like to get married in the next two years. I want to find out if you see us getting married in that time frame." (Shortform note: Levine and Heller’s advice contradicts many dating advice books, which recommend expressing your desires more subtly. In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, comedian Steve Harvey urges women to express their standards in an organic way that lets men read between the lines—like by saying, “I see myself being married in the next two years.”)
2. Express your needs directly, without blaming or judging. Use phrases like "I need," "I feel," and "I want." Remember, your goal is not to make your partner feel inadequate—after all, their needs are just as valid as yours. Example: "I need to know that you respect my intelligence. When you make jokes about me being a dumb blonde, I question whether you value me for my brains or my looks." (Shortform note: Some people try to use “I feel” statements but continue to blame their partner with statements like “I feel that you’re being unkind.” This is not about your needs but about your partner’s actions. To avoid this trap, experts recommend ensuring that your “I” statements actually discuss your personal experience—like by saying, “I feel hurt when you make dumb blonde jokes.”)
3. Use specific examples to illustrate your concerns. Don't rely on generalities, which leave room for misunderstandings. Stick to concrete language. For example, say, "When you make plans with friends and don’t tell me about them in advance, I feel like you don't want the kind of intimacy that I need." (Shortform note: Being specific may be especially helpful at the beginning of the discussion, which one relationship psychologist contends is the most important part: The tone you set then will determine how the rest of the conversation goes. So consider starting with a specific issue instead of saying, “You never tell me about your plans.”)
4. Time your discussion for when both parties are calm and collected. If the situation is already volatile, let it simmer down before you attempt an honest, forthright discussion. (Shortform note: Psychologists also warn against arguing when either party’s basic needs—like sleep and proper food—haven’t been met: Someone who’s hungry or tired isn’t in the right mindset to have a productive conversation.)

How to Defuse Conflict Like a Secure Attacher

Levine and Heller suggest that learning to fight like a secure attacher can also improve your relationship. They explain that while not every couple faces the intimacy-related disagreements discussed throughout this guide, even the most secure couples fight about basic, daily-life issues—like who’ll make dinner or take out the trash. However, research indicates that such arguments can actually help couples grow closer. Levine and Heller contend that this is because secure attachers follow certain rules of communication that let them effectively work through the conflict without destroying their relationship in the process.

So if you’re an insecure attacher facing a daily-life conflict, Levine and Heller recommend following these rules to effectively work through it. (Just make sure it’s actually a daily-life conflict: As we’ve seen, some conflicts—like whether to vacation together or separately—seem initially like a daily-life conflict but are actually symptomatic of clashing intimacy needs.)

How Other Researchers Define Relationship Conflicts

While Levine and Heller categorize relationship conflict as either intimacy-related or daily-life-related, other researchers use different terms. Notably, Gottman categorizes relationship issues into three types: solvable conflicts around a particular topic; perpetual conflicts that relate to fundamental personality or value differences; and gridlocked conflicts, which are perpetual conflicts that have escalated due to poor management.

According to Gottman, only one-third of conflicts in a relationship are solvable; the other two-thirds are perpetual or gridlocked. But just as some daily-life conflicts are actually intimacy-related, the same issues can be solvable or perpetual depending on the situation. So how do you tell which is which? If you can’t tell, the answer may simply be to talk about it: Gottman recommends examining the emotional roots of each conflict, so that you can learn more about your partner and thus grow closer—even if you never resolve the initial issue.

• Prioritize both your and your partner’s happiness. Remember that in a partnership, you’re looking for every conflict to end in a win-win situation. (Shortform note: In Crucial Accountability, the authors describe the importance of establishing a sense of shared purpose before a difficult conversation. To do so, lay out the facts, express your feelings, then ask for your partner’s perspective: This demonstrates that you care about your partner’s feelings and want to solve the issue together.)
• Keep the argument centered on the present issue—don't get sidetracked or expand the argument to include other issues. A conflict about someone leaving the kitchen a mess shouldn't turn into an argument about who takes on more work in the household. (Shortform note: Focusing the argument on one issue can be easier said than done. If something else comes up that needs to be dealt with, experts recommend scheduling a separate conversation to discuss it.)
• Stay focused and don’t distance yourself emotionally or physically. You need to approach the issue head-on until it gets resolved in a mutually agreeable way—even if it takes some arguing to get there. (Shortform note: Psychologists note that even if you’re actively engaged in the discussion, your body language may convey emotional resistance to the conversation. So try to transmit cues that convey that you’re open to the discussion—like with appropriate eye contact.)
• Tell your partner exactly what you need and want. No matter how long you've been with your partner, they can’t anticipate all your needs. (Shortform note: Telling your partner exactly what you want may also prevent them from misinterpreting you. Consider active listening: In this technique, before responding to your partner, you first repeat back what you think they said to help validate them and to ensure you’ve understood their message correctly.)