PDF Summary:8 Rules of Love, by Jay Shetty

Love isn’t easy. It requires constant attention and dedication to grow into a long-lasting, successful relationship. In 8 Rules of Love, Jay Shetty explains how to navigate this process, drawing from his experience as a Hindu monk. He provides perspectives on love from ancient Hindu scriptures, then explains how to apply them to your life and your relationship. Above all, he describes love as a journey of self-discovery, self-improvement, and mutual support.

In our guide, we present Shetty’s advice in four parts. First, we explain how to be single, an important stage that prepares you for healthy relationships. Next, we describe the responsibilities love entails—knowing what love feels like, helping each other grow, and pursuing your greater purpose. Then, we relate tips for navigating conflict and breakups. Finally, we explore the importance of universal love. Throughout, our commentary provides context about the Hindu traditions Shetty cites while also exploring relationship advice from other religious and secular traditions.

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(Shortform note: Understanding what love means to you can be tricky because there are countless definitions of love. One definition you may find useful comes from David Richo. In How to Be an Adult in Relationships, he says genuine love is the practice of seeing your partner, yourself, and your relationship as they really are without imposing your interpretations. He adds that this kind of love has five features: gratitude, respect, engagement, affection, and tenderness (the GREAT model). Richo also agrees with Shetty that relationships progress through stages, and he argues that practicing the GREAT model helps you transition between these stages in a way that makes your relationship stronger.)

Stage #1: Interest

In the first stage, you feel a spark of chemistry between you and your partner. You’re not just superficially attracted to them; you’re interested in knowing them more deeply. So, you go on multiple dates to discover three things: what makes your partner unique (like their background and hobbies), what’s important to them, and what they want their future to look like. This stage is full of excitement—and anxiety, as you hope they feel the same way about you. However, Shetty notes it’s not stable—what you learn about each other in this stage determines whether you’re compatible enough to go on to the next stage.

(Shortform note: Shetty recommends learning three things about your partner in the interest phase—what makes them unique, what’s important to them, and what they want their future to look like. But relationship experts (and spouses) Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman say that to truly know someone, you need to learn eight things about them. In Eight Dates, they recommend having conversations about the following topics: your partner’s beliefs about trust, how they handle disagreements, their sexual needs, their relationship to money, their vision of family, how they like to have fun, their evolution as a person, and their greatest aspirations. To help your partner understand you, share your feelings on these topics too.)

Stage #2: Comfort

Shetty explains that in stage two, you and your partner get used to each other. Spending time together becomes more consistent and routine, and you become part of each other’s lives in a way that wasn’t guaranteed in stage one. Some of the excitement of phase one remains, but it’s more connected to the reality of life together. For example, you might start doing everyday activities together—like watching shows at home or running errands—to see whether your lifestyles are compatible. With time, this helps your level of comfort with the relationship grow.

Shetty recommends slowly increasing the time you spend together during this phase. If you move too fast or see each other too often, the exciting newness of your relationship can cause you to ignore red flags that prove you’re not compatible. For example, you might feel so enamored with your partner that you look past the fact that they want kids, and you don’t—assuming you can sort this out together later.

He also suggests using this stage to set boundaries—the pace of your relationship, when you need alone time, and so on. This helps you stay comfortable and also lets you see if your partner respects them and, by extension, you.

(Shortform note: In Mating in Captivity, couples therapist Esther Perel notes that desire often fades when partners settle too comfortably into a routine. In her view, maintaining passion requires balancing consistency with mystery and novelty. So even as you settle into shared habits, it’s important to preserve a sense of individuality and surprise. Perel suggests doing things separately sometimes and reconnecting intentionally to keep the relationship vibrant. As Shetty notes, this also helps you avoid moving too quickly. Setting boundaries in this stage also allows you to maintain your independent sense of self, which prevents enmeshment—an overly connected state that can lead you to tolerate overbearing or disrespectful behavior.)

Stage #3: Deeper Love

As you spend more time with your partner, conflicts inevitably crop up. In a successful relationship, Shetty says, you handle conflict effectively and deepen your love. In stage three, you learn that even though you have differences, you’re well-suited for life together—and, more importantly, that you can rely on each other. You know your partner will show up for you, provide support, and work through disagreements rather than walk away. We’ll explore Shetty’s advice for navigating this stage of your relationship (specifically, the conflict it entails) in greater detail later.

(Shortform note: In How to Be an Adult in Relationships, Richo describes deep love as devotion, which is about giving each other the grace you’ll need to stay together through life’s changes. There will be times in each of your lives when you need to receive more love than you’re capable of giving—and as Shetty notes, you must be able to rely on each other for that. For example, if you become seriously ill, you’ll rely on your partner’s support to get through it. Likewise, if your partner loses their job, they’ll rely on you to help them move forward. If you want your relationship to last, you’ll both need to keep in mind that your partner is still deserving of your love even when they’re not at their best. )

Rule 4: Help Each Other Grow

As you become more comfortable in your relationship, Shetty says, you’ll learn lots about yourself and each other. So, his fourth rule of love is to use your wisdom to help each other grow. Shetty compares this aspect of romantic relationships to the relationship between a student and their guru in Hindu monk training. As spiritual mentors, gurus help students become wiser, more compassionate, and more self-aware. Our partners can help us do the same, and vice versa, using two methods.

(Shortform note: Hindu devotees study under gurus because gurus are already enlightened; they’ve walked the spiritual path themselves and can guide others through it with compassion and insight. This is thought to be more effective than trying to figure it all out on your own. Your partner may not be as enlightened as a guru, but other experts agree with Shetty that you can learn from them regardless. For example, bell hooks argues in All About Love that love is the act of nurturing each other’s spiritual growth. By loving each other, she says, we learn and practice care, respect, trust, honesty, commitment, and other essential values that help us become more whole, conscious, and compassionate human beings.)

Method #1: Uplift Your Partner

Shetty urges you to uplift your partner instead of trying to force them to grow. Forcing your partner to change to suit your needs or your vision of growth is likely to backfire for two reasons: First, when you assume your way is the right way and impose that on them, you lose their trust. Second, force often relies on shame. For example, you might criticize your partner relentlessly for their flaws, and instead of feeling motivated to change, they feel disrespected, which harms your relationship and impedes their growth.

In contrast, Shetty writes, uplifting your partner is effective because it builds trust, safety, and connection—conditions that help real growth happen. You can uplift your partner by inspiring them to pursue their goals and offering support, compassion, and grace as they do so. For example, if your partner wants to become a better parent, you might read and discuss parenting books together, gently offer feedback when they feel stuck, and reassure them during setbacks to show that you believe in them.

Why Uplifting Beats Forced Growth

Trying to force your partner’s growth is tempting when you think you know what’s best for them. For example, if your partner smokes, you might believe it’s obvious they should stop because of the health risks. Since the stakes are so high, you may feel justified in pressuring them—you might resort to nagging, shaming, or even issuing ultimatums. But even in cases like this, experts suggest that uplifting your partner is more effective than trying to force them to grow.

In The Art of Loving, German philosopher and psychoanalyst Erich Fromm argues that truly loving someone means seeing things from their perspective. You can’t love someone for who they are if you don’t know who they are—including their fears, values, and reasons for resisting change. So if your partner is hesitant to quit smoking, start by understanding why: Is it a coping mechanism for stress? Does it connect to deeper emotional patterns? When you seek to understand instead of control, you build trust and help create the conditions for real growth.

Another reason to uplift rather than to force is that pressure often backfires. According to reactance theory, people tend to do the opposite of what they feel pressured to do. This is because pressure makes them feel like their freedom is being threatened—which triggers defensiveness or rebellion, not cooperation. Likewise, shaming someone often leads to secrecy and withdrawal—not sustainable change. (So, instead of quitting smoking, your partner might resort to telling you they’ve quit while they hide their ongoing habit). In contrast, when you uplift your partner—by offering empathy, encouragement, and belief in their ability to grow—you help them feel safe enough to evolve on their own terms.

Method #2: Be Receptive

Shetty explains that in your relationship, growth should be mutual—sometimes you’ll be the teacher, and sometimes you’ll be the student. As the student, you must approach learning moments with a receptive mindset. This means accepting constructive feedback and new ideas without getting defensive. View these as a gift your partner offers to help you become a better version of yourself, and try earnestly to understand their point of view. For example, say your partner points out that you work too much, which causes you to neglect both your relationship and your self-care. Instead of immediately justifying your work habits, pause to consider their feedback and how you could achieve a better work-life balance.

(Shortform note: If you struggle with being receptive to your partner’s ideas, it may be because you feel triggered. In Thanks for the Feedback, Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen explain three types of triggers: Truth triggers happen when you automatically assume the feedback is wrong or unfair. To get past this, ask yourself whether any part of the feedback is helpful. Relationship triggers arise when your reaction is more about who gave the feedback than what they said—so, try separating the message from the messenger. Identity triggers hit when feedback threatens your self-image—for example, if it makes you feel like a bad partner. To counteract this, remind yourself that you’re more than your mistakes and that you’re capable of growth.)

Rule 5: Pursue Your Greater Purpose

In addition to helping one another grow, you and your partner should each pursue your own greater purpose. This is Shetty’s fifth rule of love. He compares your greater purpose to the Hindu concept of dharma, which refers to your duty in life. This is something that you enjoy and excel at—and by doing it, you contribute something of value to the world. For example, your greater purpose could be baking, researching cures to rare diseases, or helping people learn to read.

(Shortform note: In Hinduism, dharma refers to your moral and spiritual duty—living in alignment with your true nature and universal principles of righteousness. There are several types of dharma, including personal dharma (svadharma). Fulfilling svadharma means embracing your responsibilities in a way that feels natural, given your passions, skills, and stage of life. This is close to Shetty’s definition of dharma, which also resembles the Japanese concept of ikigai. In Ikigai, Héctor García and Francesc Miralles describe ikigai as your reason for being. Like Shetty, they explain that this is something you enjoy and excel at that’s valuable to others—but they add that it must also be something you can be paid for.)

Your greater purpose should be your first priority (and your partner’s should be theirs). Many people believe their relationships should come first in life, but this is a recipe for disaster—if you both neglect your greater purpose, neither of you will feel fulfilled, and you’ll start to blame each other for it. In contrast, if you each prioritize your purpose, you’ll bring more joy, creativity, and energy into the relationship, strengthening your connection.

(Shortform note: Some evidence suggests your relationships should be your first priority. For example, one study found that healthy relationships are the key to lasting happiness. Drawing on this research, Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz argue in The Good Life that prioritizing relationships is essential for your well-being. However, other experts say that to maximize your happiness (and the health of your relationship), you should aim to have a well-rounded life. Otherwise, you put too much pressure on your partner to meet all your needs—a tall order they can never live up to, which breeds resentment and leaves you feeling unfulfilled.)

How to Pursue Your Greater Purpose

Pursuing your greater purpose begins with discovering what it is. Shetty says this requires some trial and error. Try different activities and reflect on which ones energize and fulfill you. When you find the one that feels right, practice at it—develop your skills, build consistency, and let your passion deepen through commitment. Then, decide where you want your purpose to take you and commit to seeing that path through to success, even if you hit bumps along the road.

(Shortform note: In Designing Your Life, Stanford professors Bill Burnett and Dave Evans warn against committing to any single path forward. You might have only one greater purpose, or you may have several—and no matter how many you have, they say there are multiple ways to pursue them. Like Shetty, they encourage trying different activities and reflecting on how they make you feel. But unlike Shetty, who focuses on finding your one greater purpose, Burnett and Evans urge you to keep your options open. Find many activities that energize and fulfill you, and then use them to design three different plans for your life. This gives you enough flexibility to pivot if your circumstances, priorities, or passions ever change.)

All the while, share your journey with your partner and give them opportunities to support you. For example, if your purpose is baking, invite them to try your creations or pitch in at local markets where you sell baked goods. Shetty explains that this brings you closer together. In turn, your partner will share their purpose with you, and you’ll support them in the same ways you want to be supported—by uplifting them rather than forcing them forward.

(Shortform note: How does sharing your journey with your partner bring you closer together? Every time you share, you’re making a bid for connection. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman and Nan Silver explain that a “bid” is any attempt to connect—whether it’s sharing a joke, asking for help, or talking about your day. When your partner responds positively—by showing interest, encouragement, or support—your emotional bond strengthens. So, when you invite your partner into your purpose, even in small ways, you create opportunities for positive exchanges which deepen intimacy over time.)

How to Balance Both Your Purposes

Time can be a major hurdle as you and your partner pursue your respective purposes. Doing so takes time away from your relationship and other responsibilities, which might leave one or both of you feeling neglected and overwhelmed. Shetty says you can deal with this by taking turns in the spotlight. When one partner is in a particularly demanding phase—like opening a new business—the other can temporarily take on more responsibility in the relationship or your household. Then, when your roles reverse, the same support is given in return. This approach helps ensure that both partners feel valued and supported over time, even if not always equally in the moment.

(Shortform note: Experts say taking turns in the spotlight is effective because it helps you achieve equity over time instead of in every moment. This strategy depends on clear communication—for example, discussing expectations about how and when the spotlight will shift—to ensure the partnership feels fair. It also requires timing requests thoughtfully and trusting that sacrifices will eventually be reciprocated. Several notable couples have found great success with the “taking turns” approach—for example, in Lovely One, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Jackson Brown describes using it with her husband to balance parenthood with their demanding careers in law and medicine.)

Part 3: How to Navigate Challenges

Any relationship will progress to a point where you experience conflict. How you handle conflict determines whether your relationship succeeds—if you resolve the problem, your relationship will strengthen and your love will deepen. If you can’t, you’ll likely break up. In this section, we’ll discuss Shetty’s rules for each of these scenarios. He explains that these rules are inspired by Hinduism’s third ashram, Vanaprastha, which stresses reflection and healing.

(Shortform note: In Hindu tradition, Vanaprastha is the third stage of life, spanning ages 48 to 72. In this stage, you focus on introspection, spiritual practice, and mentoring the next generation—this prepares you for the next ashram, the end of your life. Shetty adapts this idea to relationships, suggesting that when conflict arises, it’s a chance to pause and reflect rather than reacting impulsively. But he allows that sometimes you have to withdraw from a relationship by breaking up with your partner; similarly, Vanaprastha requires you to let go of the responsibilities you took on in the second ashram, Grhastha—your active family and social life.)

Rule 6: Fight Well

Fights are inevitable and worthwhile—if you’re upset about something, bringing it up gives your partner a chance to understand you better and strengthen the relationship. At the same time, you need to fight well to prevent your arguments from escalating into hurtful battles. To argue well, Shetty recommends following these steps:

Step #1: Know Your Enemy

It’s easy to see your partner as your adversary when you disagree. However, Shetty argues it’s more helpful to remember that you and your partner are on the same team—you both want your relationship (and each other) to succeed. The real enemy is the problem you’re facing together. To vanquish this enemy, you have to properly identify it—and that requires setting aside your pride. Pride keeps your focus on proving your point, preventing you from seeing the deeper issue that’s driving the conflict.

(Shortform note: Shetty’s advice is essentially to stop opposing your partner and start collaborating with them. Conflict mediator Adam Kahane makes a similar point in Collaborating With the Enemy. He explains that we often assume we need to agree with someone to work together with them—and if we don’t agree, we treat them as our adversary. But collaboration isn’t about agreeing; it’s about working together despite your differences. To accomplish this, you must both clarify exactly what you disagree on while recognizing that you could be wrong.)

Step #2: Refine Your Tactics

Once you’ve identified the problem you’re facing, you and your partner need a plan of attack. Shetty suggests that your plan should include three key tactics.

First, schedule your fight in advance. When you set a time to talk, you give yourselves space to cool down, gather your thoughts, and approach the conversation with intention rather than emotion. Shetty says this makes it less likely that the discussion will spiral out of control.

(Shortform note: If you schedule your fight in advance, give yourself time to work through your feelings about the situation so you can come to the conversation prepared. In Atlas of the Heart, social science researcher Brené Brown explains that it’s best to be as specific as possible about what you’re feeling. For example, decide whether the problem is making you feel angry, disappointed, anxious, humiliated, hopeless, or some combination of these emotions. This clarity helps you express yourself more effectively, reducing the chance of miscommunication or defensiveness.)

Second, speak clearly and respectfully. At the outset, you and your partner can explain what you’re hoping to get out of the conversation. Usually, this is a solution to the problem, plus reassurance that you still love each other. Then, start sharing your feelings about the situation without assigning blame. (Shortform note: In How to Be an Adult in Relationships, Richo recommends using the GREAT model as you discuss your conflict. By expressing gratitude, respect, engagement, affirmation, and tenderness, Richo says you bolster each other’s emotional resilience. This helps you both face the conflict head-on, and you compassionately validate each other, which reassures you both of your love.)

Finally, solve the problem—find a solution that works for both of you and commit to it. Also, take accountability for your role in the conflict and change your behavior if necessary—otherwise, the problem will come up again in the future. (Shortform note: In Collaborating With the Enemy, Kahane advises taking an adaptive, iterative approach to solving problems, in which you consider multiple solutions and experiment to discover which serves you best. This helps you avoid locking into a solution that seems ideal but doesn’t pan out in reality, which would make you go back on your word.)

Rule 7: Know When and How to Break Up

You can address some major issues in your relationship with a lot of hard work. Others can’t be fixed. In those cases, Shetty says you’re better off ending your relationship than devoting time and effort to something that’s just going to hurt you more in the long run. Let’s explore his advice on when to break up and how to do it.

When to Break Up

Shetty says you should always end abusive relationships. Abuse happens when your partner makes you feel unsafe—you can’t be yourself or make your own decisions without fear of punishment, manipulation, or physical harm. Ending an abusive relationship can be scary, as abusers often become more violent when they think you’re going to leave, so Shetty recommends getting support from trusted others, including professional services for victims of domestic violence.

(Shortform note: Many people stay in abusive relationships because they hope their partner will change, but in Why Does He Do That?, counselor Lundy Bancroft says this is unlikely. Most abusers, he explains, don’t want to change—that would mean they lose all the benefits they gain from abusing others, and they’d have to take responsibility for the harm they’ve done. Bancroft agrees with Shetty that the best course of action is to leave once you recognize signs of abuse.)

Shetty also recommends breaking up when you simply can’t reconcile your differences. In these cases, continuing the relationship would require a major sacrifice that would leave one or both of you deeply unhappy. For example, say you want an open relationship while your partner wants you both to stay monogamous. To stay together, one of you would have to compromise your needs, which would lead to ongoing pain and resentment.

(Shortform note: You can identify irreconcilable differences more easily if you practice radical acceptance. In her book of the same name, Buddhist psychologist Tara Brach explains that radical acceptance involves clearly seeing the reality of your situation and responding to it with compassion rather than denial or self-blame. In relationships, this means recognizing when something painful is true, like the fact that your values or goals are incompatible, and offering yourself care in response. Practicing radical acceptance can help you let go of fantasies about what your relationship “should” be and move forward—even if that means ending the relationship.)

On the other hand, some sacrifices are worth making. If you can accept your differences, overcome past hurts, and live in harmony, you may not need to break up. Shetty explains that infidelity can fall into this category. For some, it’s a dealbreaker, but others can heal from it and strengthen their relationship. The way forward—if there is one—involves being honest with each other about what happened and mutually putting effort into rebuilding trust and intimacy.

(Shortform note: In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, comedian-turned-relationship guru Steve Harvey recommends defining the consequences of infidelity early in your relationship. If your partner knows they’ll experience pain if they cheat, they’ll be less likely to do so. Then, you must follow through on those consequences. For example, if you tell your partner you’ll leave them if they cheat, you must actually leave them. Otherwise, they’ll learn there are no painful consequences for cheating, and they’ll likely do it again. If, on the other hand, you think you’d be willing to work through infidelity, you can set other consequences, like attending couples therapy or temporarily separating, to communicate that the betrayal has serious emotional weight.)

How to Break Up

Breakups always hurt, but Shetty says you can make them easier by practicing acceptance. If you’re initiating the breakup, you’ve already accepted that you can’t overcome your differences—explain this to your partner, and go your separate ways. Likewise, if your partner breaks up with you, accept that the relationship is over instead of trying to change their mind. In either case, once the relationship is over, don’t rush into a new one. Instead, get comfortable being single again through self-love (rule 1) and reflection (rule 2).

(Shortform note: In Radical Acceptance, Brach explains that you can begin to accept any situation you’re in by asking yourself friendly questions. You’re not trying to pass judgment or make any changes; you’re just curious about the situation you’re in and looking for insight. For example, if you’re thinking about breaking up with your partner, you might ask, “What am I feeling in my body right now?” or “What am I most afraid of in this moment?” These questions help you meet your emotions with compassion, which makes it easier to stop resisting the truth of your situation. You can ask yourself similar questions if you’re being broken up with, or pose your questions to your partner to understand why the breakup is necessary.)

Part 4: How to Foster Universal Love

Shetty argues that romantic love is only one piece of the puzzle. Hinduism’s fourth ashram, Sannyasa, focuses on universal love. According to this belief, everyone is interdependent and deserving of love—so you have a moral responsibility to give love freely and selflessly, not just to your partner, but to your family, community, and the world. Let’s explore how to do this.

(Shortform note: In Hinduism, Sannyasa is the final stage of life, encompassing ages 72 to 96. In this stage, you prepare your soul for the next cycle of reincarnation—rebirth—by devoting yourself to spiritual liberation. You renounce worldly attachments, including material wealth, ambition, and even personal relationships, so you can focus entirely on unity with the divine. This kind of unity is characterized by prem—divine love that’s unconditional and entirely selfless.)

Rule 8: Love Universally

Shetty’s eighth rule is to love universally. He explains that this starts with people you already know and like—your partner, family, friends, coworkers, and so on. But universal love also requires loving three other groups: people you don’t like (for example, your ex-partners and friends), people you don’t know (especially those who are suffering), and other living beings (like animals and the earth). According to Shetty, universal love is necessary because it enriches your life. If you restrict your love life to romantic relationships, you miss out on the deeper fulfillment that comes from connecting with a broader circle of life.

(Shortform note: In Buddhism, this is known as universal loving-kindness, defined as compassion for all living beings—regardless of whether you know them or like them or whether they’re even human. Richo explains why practicing universal loving-kindness is so vital in How to Be an Adult in Relationships: First, as Shetty suggests, it improves your life by making it feel more meaningful. When you love everyone, you feel compelled to help others when they’re suffering, which fosters a deeper sense of connection and purpose. Second, Richo says universal loving-kindness improves the world. People who practice it can relate to other living beings as equals, which makes it easier to act collaboratively rather than destructively.)

Shetty suggests that the best ways to practice universal love are through connection and generosity. Connection shows that you care about people even if you don’t know them well. For example, if you’re waiting at a bus stop with a stranger, making casual conversation may brighten their day. Generosity, on the other hand, involves giving your time, energy, or resources to ease others’ burdens. This could mean volunteering, donating to causes you believe in, or simply showing up for someone in need.

(Shortform note: Another way to practice universal love is through loving-kindness meditation. To do so, sit quietly, relax your body, and imagine what inner peace would feel like. Once you find that feeling, allow yourself to dwell on it until you truly feel it. Then, think about someone you love, and wish that they’ll experience inner peace. Extend that wish to other people you know, and then to people you don’t know. By practicing this meditation repeatedly over time, you can prime yourself to act more lovingly in the future by connecting with and being generous toward others.)