PDF Summary:13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, by Amy Morin

While most self-help advice focuses on what habits you should adopt, psychotherapist Amy Morin approaches self-improvement from the opposite direction, exploring what habits you should avoid. She argues that you can sabotage your progress toward your goals if you indulge in bad habits even while you incorporate beneficial habits into your routines. In 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do (2017), she explores how you can prevent this outcome, and how you can increase your mental strength by letting go of behaviors, thought patterns, and habits that work against you.

In our guide, we’ll explore Morin’s definition of mental strength and review each of the 13 habits she warns against. We’ll supplement her ideas with discussions on where these habits come from, how other experts address them, and what additional techniques you can use to overcome them.

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In addition, don’t overestimate the extent to which success will change your life; people who exaggerate how much an outcome will benefit them often abandon their efforts when things get tough. Don’t tell yourself, for example, that if you lose weight, you’ll suddenly find a fulfilling relationship and career success—such expectations will only saddle you with anxiety and increase your disappointment if you have setbacks, which may cause you to quit.

Lastly, Morin says you should expect your progress to be uneven: Recognize that things might get harder before they get better, and that you may go through periods where you make no progress toward your goal. If you keep your eye on your long-term goal, you can prevent temporary setbacks from derailing you. Celebrate milestones to acknowledge your progress, and when you feel like quitting, remember that disappointment and frustration are inevitable parts of the journey.

Making Changes Means Adopting New Habits

Each of Morin’s recommendations for pushing through failure aligns with advice from James Clear (Atomic Habits) on how to establish good habits—a process that’s often rife with failure. Like Morin, Clear maintains that setting unrealistic expectations will make it harder for you to succeed, but he goes on to say that instead of aiming for a specific goal at all, you should instead aim to change your identity. Instead of trying to lose 30 pounds, for example, aim to be the kind of person who eats well and exercises regularly—specifically, you may set a goal to eat salad and do 10 pushups every day. In other words, set a process goal rather than an outcome goal.

Clear emphasizes that by adopting small (atomic-sized) habits, you’ll have more success than by setting ambitious goals: Consistency beats intensity. By being consistent, you’ll be able to bounce back from the uneven progress that Morin warns about—for example, if you find that you’re losing weight in fits and starts, you’ll be less likely to give up during slow periods if you stay true to your process-based habits. In this way, a focus on identity helps you sustain motivation when your results lag behind.

Clear also adds another dimension to expectations: Your expectations have more of a bearing on how happy you are at the end of a project than the actual outcome of the project. If you have reasonable expectations and your results get you close to them, you’ll be happy. If you have high expectations so that the same results fall short, you’ll be upset. This is why attaching extraordinary expectations to a goal can be counter-productive; if you tell yourself that losing weight will solve all your personal and professional problems, your disappointment when faced with the reality of the outcome will likely demotivate you from continuing and making more progress.

Don’t Avoid Change or Taking Calculated Risks

Two of Morin’s recommendations address how to face change: Don’t avoid it, and don’t be afraid to take calculated risks.

She writes that even when we know we need to change something about our lives, we often procrastinate while getting started, then struggle to stick to the changes we do implement. We then justify falling back into old habits by telling ourselves things aren’t that bad, or by making excuses as to why we’re not able to change. Likewise, when an opportunity crosses our paths, we often let it pass by out of fear of taking a risk, even if the risk is a reasonable, calculated one and the potential positive consequences far outweigh the negative.

Reluctance to change is a sign of mental weakness; people who fear risk struggle to make important life decisions. They end up daydreaming about their goals, whether they’re financial, emotional, social, or physical, but never take action. They let their irrational, fear-based emotions rule their behavior, instead of balancing their emotions with reason.

To overcome a reluctance to change or a fear of taking risks, Morin suggests that you:

• Identify the emotions holding you back: Examining what’s behind your feelings can help you realize whether the change you’re contemplating is truly too risky, or whether there are measures you can take to mitigate the potential negatives.
• List the pros and cons: Examine whether the benefits or making a change or taking a risk outweigh the costs. Remember that the costs may be either tangible, like money or time, or intangible, like ridicule.
• Think about the best-case and worst-case scenario: Consider how each would impact your life and what you can do to prepare.
• Practice making changes and taking risks on a small scale: This can help you get started bit by bit and overcome any irrational instincts holding you back.

Other Experts on Making Change and Weighing Risk

In Indistractable, Nir Eyal writes that any actions we take either reflect traction—moving you toward your goals—or distraction—moving you away from your goals. When Morin encourages you to embrace change, she’s advocating traction. The excuses we use to delay, as well as the daydreaming that promotes procrastination, might be called distractions, in both the traditional sense and according to Eyal’s definition.

Eyal writes that the main source of distraction is inside us—we’re motivated to avoid the mental and physical discomfort that comes from adopting changes and working toward goals. His recommendations for overcoming discomfort align with many of Morin’s: He suggests identifying the emotion that’s triggering your delay, whether that’s anxiety, boredom, or frustration, and then examining it closely so it no longer has power over you.

He also advocates taking small steps. Just as Morin recommends practicing small changes, Eyal writes that you can increase your ability to stay on task by adopting a 10-minute rule: When you feel the urge to give in to a distraction, tell yourself you’ll wait and do it in 10 minutes. Often, when those 10 minutes are up, you’re already deep into another, more productive task and have forgotten your urge.

Poker champion Annie Duke discusses weighing risks instead of dealing with distractions. In Thinking in Bets, Duke advises not just that you think of best- and worst-case scenarios, but that you consider the probability of every possible outcome. Then, list the pros and cons of each scenario and consider the ways each might go wrong. This will allow you to balance your discomfort and insecurities about what might happen with a realistic assessment of what’s likely to happen.

How to Interact With Other People

After explaining how mentally strong people handle failure and risk, Morin addresses how to think and feel about other people in a healthy way. Overall, she encourages you to have a realistic view of the world and your place in it. Specifically, she advises:

• Don’t feel entitled.
• Don’t let jealousy of others’ success consume you.
• Don’t obsess over what you can’t control.
• Don’t try to please everyone.
• Don’t give others power over you.
• Don’t avoid solitude and silence.

Don’t Feel Entitled

Morin writes that it’s common for a person to feel they’re entitled to more rewards than others around them. However, this is an unrealistic, harmful belief, because when we feel we’re owed something, we’re less likely to work hard, we demand unrealistic things from others, and we can end up consumed by bitterness and feelings of victimhood.

This mindset usually springs from either a sense of superiority (where a person feels they’re destined for success and are more valuable than others) or from a sense of injustice (where they feel they’re owed something because of hardships they’ve endured). It’s also cultured by our modern society: Advertisers tell people they deserve things even if they can’t afford them, and social media breeds narcissism through constant selfies and self-promotion.

To break free from this mindset, Morin suggests being aware of when thoughts of entitlement pop into your head and replacing them with more realistic ones. Remember that there’s no rule that says life has to be fair, and that everyone has struggles—yours aren’t unique.

Then, instead of thinking about your own importance, think about how you can improve your performance so that you can earn the rewards you feel you deserve. Listen to critical feedback from others, and don’t dismiss suggestions by thinking other people don’t know what they’re talking about. Finally, stop keeping score of the good things you do versus the good things that happen to you.

Entitlement in Our Modern World

Psychologists note that a certain degree of entitlement is healthy. Children naturally go through periods of narcissism and entitlement as a normal part of their psychological development. In order to grow up to respect the needs of others, they have to have a healthy sense of their own needs. Adults, too, should feel they have a right to be treated well as part of a healthy sense of self-worth. This feeling only becomes a problem when a child doesn’t outgrow their self-centered stage, or when an adult loses a sense of balance between their needs and those of others.

This lack of balance has become an increasing problem in recent years, leading some to nickname our modern era the “age of entitlement.” It’s become such a feature of our society that it’s created its own economic feedback loop: First, businesses and advertisers encourage customers to feel entitled to their products to drive up demand. Customers then internalize the belief that they deserve special treatment, forcing companies to compete to provide it. When companies keep offering this special treatment, customers feel more and more entitled to it, compelling businesses to continually chase that expectation.

In addition to using the techniques Morin recommends, psychologists suggest being aware of two types of entitlement: overt entitlement, where you openly demand treatment that puts your needs above others’, and covert entitlement, where you subtly manipulate situations to prioritize your needs.

Don’t Let Jealousy of Others’ Success Consume You

In a related recommendation, Morin writes that while it’s normal to be jealous of others from time to time, be careful that your envy doesn’t turn into resentment, which is a sign of mental weakness.

Resentment is similar to anger, but it stays silently inside you, leading you to obsess over status, wealth, and appearance. It often comes from insecurity, when the success of others makes you aware of your own shortcomings. It can also come from feelings of superiority, where you feel you deserve rewards more than others. Sometimes it arises when you don’t have a clear vision of your own goals, leading you to envy the success of others who chose their goals long ago and spent years working toward them.

To keep feelings of resentment at bay, Morin recommends that you:

• Recognize the hard work that led to the other person’s success. Remember that if you envy others’ rewards, you’ll have to put in the same effort.
• View other people as collaborators, not competitors. Instead of being jealous of someone else’s success, think of how you can use their expertise to help you achieve the same goal. Ask them for tips, or model your behavior on theirs.
• Clarify your personal definition of success, and make sure your goals align with your values. Often, when you chase a dream but still feel unfulfilled, it’s because you’re actually chasing someone else’s dream.

The Role of Unfairness in Resentment

Sometimes resentment isn’t prompted by feelings of insecurity or superiority, but by valid observations of unfairness. In Behave, psychologist Robert Sapolsky notes that resentment seems to be an innate human reaction to unfairness that’s intertwined with our social nature; other social primate species respond to unfairness the same way. For example, in studies, monkeys who are offered food as payment for tasks happily accept that payment—unless they see other monkeys receiving more food for the same work, at which point they’re no longer satisfied. Notably, this reaction isn’t invoked in primate species with low levels of social cooperation (such as orangutans).

In his other book, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, Sapolsky follows up on this thread, observing that the best predictor of crime in any society isn’t poverty, but income inequality. The feelings of unfairness that inequality breeds lead to chronic stress, which creates a host of physical and psychological disorders and motivates people to behave antisocially.

Morin’s recommendations for overcoming resentment may be of little help in cultures with deep-rooted, systemic unfairness: Her techniques assume sufficient equality of opportunity for a person to match the success of others through hard work, collaboration, and realistic goal-setting. However, in societies rife with structural obstacles for some but not others, resentment can only be reduced by rebalancing opportunity—a task more appropriate for legislatures, not individuals.

Don’t Obsess Over What You Can’t Control

People naturally want to have control over their lives, but mental strength comes from accepting what we can’t control and putting our efforts into what we can control.

Morin writes that your attitude toward control is determined by your locus of control. If you have an external locus of control, you believe luck controls things more than you do. If you have an internal locus of control, you believe you alone can determine the outcome of your life, from financial matters to relationships to physical health.

There are pros and cons to both mindsets. An internal locus of control can indeed lead to great success—when you believe your success relies on your effort, it motivates you to work hard. But if you take this belief too far, it can lead to problems: People who struggle with control issues often think they can single-handedly fix every problem and have trouble asking for help, trusting others, and delegating. This leads to anxiety, damaged relationships, and wasted energy.

Origins of the Locus of Control

Psychologist Julian Rotter introduced the locus of control concept in the 1950s, noting that most people fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum and that a person’s locus of control can be somewhat situational. Although he framed the idea as a personality trait, his caveat that it can sometimes be situational has been a focus of much study as psychologists seek to determine how greatly a person’s expectations of control vary depending on context. Most research has found that it can be highly situational—for example, a person might feel strongly in control of their career but feel their health is entirely determined by luck.

Further, a person’s locus of control can change over time. In general, when introduced to a new situation, a person will feel their outcomes are dependent on external inputs, but as they gain experience and develop expertise, their locus shifts internally. For example, when starting at a new job, you may feel you have no control over your success, but as you gain experience, you’ll start feeling responsible for your results.

Psychologists also largely agree that an internal locus of control leads to better life outcomes. Studies show children who feel they have agency have better physical and mental health as adults and achieve better academic and professional success. Morin’s following recommendations aren’t intended to caution you from taking responsibility—they’re aimed at addressing problems that come from having an extreme internal locus of control that leads to unrealistic expectations of your power over the world.

Morin offers a few techniques to help you achieve a balanced sense of control:

• Name your fears: Acknowledging your fears will help you understand them, which will help you more clearly see what’s within your locus of control and what isn’t.
• Focus on your reactions: Anticipate potential problems and plan for them.
• Try to influence, not control: Instead of trying to direct another person’s decisions, try to guide them. Listen before you speak, as people are more open to hearing your ideas if they feel heard themselves. Share your opinions once and only once—repeating yourself may drive another person to pay less attention to your input, not more.

(Shortform note: In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey offers guidance that can make these suggestions more effective: Recognize what falls within your circle of concern—things you care about but have no real control over—and your circle of influence—the subset of things within your circle of concern that you do have control over. For example, your overall health is in your circle of concern, and your eating habits are within your circle of influence, but aging is not. By recognizing what you can and can’t control, you can more effectively adjust your reactions and let go of what you can’t influence.)

Don’t Try to Please Everyone

Morin writes that another way people try to exert control is by trying to please everyone all the time. This is a form of control because it becomes a way to control how other people think and feel.

People-pleasing is a common learned strategy for safety, and it often grows out of childhood environments in which love, safety, or attention felt conditional—where kids were raised with intermittent neglect, frequent criticism, or in a chaotic household. These experiences can teach a child that their needs don’t matter, that they have to earn love, or that displeasing people can be dangerous. Later in life, these beliefs can make them have trouble saying no and feel responsible for other peoples’ emotions.

Morin says the major problem with people-pleasing is that when you live your life trying to please others, you act in ways you believe they’d want you to instead of according to your own values, beliefs, and priorities. It can lead you to feel resentment if you devote a lot of time to someone else instead of attending to your own needs, or if you feel others aren’t acknowledging your efforts.

To get out of a people-pleasing mindset, accept that it’s OK if other people are upset. Trust that they’re strong enough to cope with negative feelings, and recognize that it’s not your job to spare them those feelings. Then, pause before committing to something. Ask yourself whether you want to fulfil the other person’s request or whether it will force you to neglect something you value more. Finally, when refusing a request, politely stick to the facts. Don’t feel the need to offer a reason—a simple “I’d love to, but I can’t right now” is sufficient.

The Contradictions of People-Pleasing

Ironically, people who try to constantly satisfy the needs of others are unlikely to think of themselves as controlling—they’re more likely to describe themselves as “pushovers” who let others control them. Psychologists note that the key lies in the type of control at play—they let others control their behavior in the hope of controlling others’ thoughts and feelings.

Another irony lies in the expectations of people-pleasers when compared to the actual outcome of their efforts. As Morin notes, people-pleasing tendencies often grow as a strategy for safety learned in childhood. But people-pleasing to make relationships smoother often has the opposite result—it prevents strong relationships because friendships become transactional, based on trading favors for approval. It can also lead other people to mask their true thoughts and feelings due to resentment or sensing a lack of authenticity.

People-pleasing springs from flawed theory of mind skills. Theory of mind is the ability to (1) understand that other people have different thoughts from you, and (2) intuit what they’re thinking. The first aspect of this is something we develop as young children, but the second—knowing what other people are thinking—isn’t always possible. Recognizing that you may not truly know what another person desires, what will upset them, or what they’re emotionally capable of handling can empower you to act on Morin’s recommendations and to break your people-pleasing mindset.

Don’t Give Others Power Over You

Morin writes that it’s natural to hesitate before responding to other people when they behave rudely or overstep their place—no one wants to come across as confrontational. However, if this instinct becomes a pattern, you’ll give other people power over you. You’ll allow them to determine your mood, behavior, and how your day goes—you might swing from feeling great to feeling awful depending on the actions of others. This can lead you to feel helpless, angry, and bitter. It can cause you to blame others for your misfortunes, to overreact to criticism, and to waste time ruminating about other people (and the things they’ve done to annoy or belittle you) rather than working on your goals.

Morin says that to break this habit and reclaim your power, start by noticing when you’re giving an inordinate amount of thought to someone who upsets you. Be aware of when you’re using language in a way that relinquishes power—for instance, by thinking, “They make me so angry,” or, “I have to invite them over.”

(Shortform note: Psychologists note that sometimes what’s truly angering you isn’t rudeness itself, but the meaning you assign to it—what you believe it says about who you are and where you stand in relation to the other person. Consciously identifying this misguided belief can be a first step toward dislodging it. It’s the same principle underpinning Morin’s advice to notice when your thoughts are running away from you—by identifying and describing a problem to yourself, you bring it into the open, which deprives it of its power over your subconscious, reactive self.)

Then, writes Morin, forgive them. Forgiving someone means letting go of your anger, not excusing or justifying what they did. If you can’t let go of your anger, the harm they’re doing to you will only continue.

When someone is treating you badly, pause before reacting. A knee-jerk response means you’re allowing their actions to determine your actions. Instead, when someone angers you, take a deep breath and a moment to collect yourself. If needed, remove yourself from the situation until you feel in control of your emotions again. This will enable you to calmly set boundaries, so you can let the other person know what behavior you’ll no longer accept from them.

(Shortform note: Letting go of anger doesn’t mean suppressing it. Anger is an emotion designed to inform you of when something is wrong, and ignoring it without acknowledging the problem behind it will cause it to resurface as resentment, stress, or hair-trigger reactions. This is why anger management protocols focus on controlling your instinctive reactions to feelings of anger, not controlling the emotion itself. By understanding your anger, you can gain psychological separation from it, which will not only allow you to forgive the other person and move past your emotion, but also empower you to manage the situation calmly. This will increase the chance that the other person will accept whatever boundaries you set.)

Don’t Avoid Solitude and Silence

People often avoid quiet time alone because they feel they need to use every minute of the day productively. Morin also notes that society encourages this mindset by pressuring us to fill our hours with tasks and tangible results. Having a full social calendar is also an outward mark of popularity and importance; people equate busyness with likeability. In addition, full schedules keep us from unpleasant thoughts or feelings we don’t want to deal with.

As a result, many people fill any and all downtime (such as waiting in line) with tasks like checking email or updating social media. But people who incorporate downtime into their days generally sleep, focus, and learn better, and are more organized and productive. Spending time alone also allows you to get to know yourself better—to reflect on your values, goals, and what might be holding you back from success.

Mentally strong people find a good balance between keeping busy, staying social, and spending time without other people or distractions. Morin offers some techniques to help you incorporate alone time in your life:

• Reduce the role of technology in your day. Stop playing the TV in the background, turn the radio off when you drive, and every now and then, turn off all your electronics so you can consciously take a break.
• If you have a jam-packed schedule, block off alone time. Make it a positive experience, and do something you want to do, whether that’s visiting a museum or taking a walk. Don’t choose something too distracting, like seeing a movie—the point of your solitude should be reflection, not a quieter type of distraction.
• Meditate: Sit with your spine straight, taking deep, slow breaths, and quiet your thoughts by focusing on your inhaling and exhaling.

The Increasingly Recognized Benefits of Quiet Time

When we use busyness to bring value to our lives (productivity and status, for example), or to avoid unpleasantness (uncomfortable thoughts and feelings), we’re ignoring the opportunity cost of constant distraction. Not only can quiet time improve your physical and cognitive health, as Morin notes, but it can also bring you bursts of creativity, “aha” moments, and self-reflective insights that improve your life, both professionally and personally.

Corporations are increasingly recognizing the tangible benefits of quiet time. Google popularized the idea that nonproductive time can lead to progress by allowing employees to spend 20% of their work time on non-work-related pursuits. Other companies have followed suit, offering dedicated quiet time for workers to spend resting, meditating, connecting with others, or simply spending time away from distractions—as Morin recommends.