Shortcut: 4 Ways to Admit a Mistake
We all make mistakes, and it can be hard to react well when we do. If we don’t deal with the fallout properly, we can amplify the effects of those lapses in judgment, making a bad situation worse. In this article, we’ll examine advice on what to do, what to say, and what not to do or say in the face of our own poor decisions.
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Handle Mistakes With Grace and Openness
Experts agree that the best way to handle a mistake you’ve made is to own up to it. By getting ahead of its repercussions, you can help guide other peoples’ reactions, and can not only minimize the harm of your error but may even be able to use the situation to highlight your strengths. With the right approach, you can ensure that your relationships and your reputation aren’t harmed—and may, in fact, be improved.
1: Admit Mistakes Quickly
In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie advises that if you make a mistake, anticipate the other person’s reaction: Admit your error before they point it out. In response to your eagerness to criticise yourself, they’ll often back off and may even start defending you—pointing out how minor the error was or reasoning that it didn’t really have a big effect.
Carnegie writes that if you get defensive, the other person digs in and argues harder. But, if you show them deference for their authority and importance, they will feel that their concerns have been met. Thus, when you admit a mistake openly, enthusiastically, and proactively, you may end up solving the very problem the error created, as the other person may jump in to help smooth things over.
2: Admit Mistakes to Everyone
In No Rules Rules, Reed Hastings writes that when you mess something up, your best approach is to fess up readily—and to everyone affected. This is especially important for people in leadership roles—if you’re a manager and you do something that affects your department negatively, admit your error to your boss, coworkers, and those who report to you. When others see you being vulnerable by acknowledging a mistake, their opinion of you generally improves; people will usually believe, for example, that your leadership abilities are stronger after you show them that you have self-awareness.
Hastings cautions that there’s a caveat to this rule. It’s called the pratfall effect: People have to first see you as competent for their opinion of you to improve after you admit a mistake. If you, for example, introduce yourself to an audience by detailing your accomplishments and credentials, and then pivot to saying you were late because you couldn’t figure out parking, they’ll likely see your admission as a refreshing dose of honesty. If, however, you start by talking about how you couldn’t find parking, their opinion of you will probably go down, and won’t improve as readily after they hear your accomplishments. Therefore, this advice to openly admit mistakes only works if people already know you and consider you competent.
3: Frame Your Mistake Against Your Good Qualities
In Thank You for Arguing, Jay Heinrichs writes that if you apologize effectively, you can emerge from a sticky situation looking even better than you did before. The key, he argues, is to not say sorry, but instead to say that you didn’t live up to your own expectations—that you let both yourself and the other person down. By framing your error in terms of your high standards for yourself, you put the focus on your good qualities, which can actually improve your standing in the other person’s eyes.
Then, says Heinrichs, immediately start talking about solutions. Don’t let the conversation dwell on the past—the past is about your error and placing blame. Pivot to the future: “I messed this up, but here’s how we can fix it.” If you shift the focus to figuring out how to prevent this from happening, you again highlight your good qualities—the ability to adapt to difficult circumstances and to solve problems.
4: Make Your Apology Sound Sincere
In Rework, Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson warn that if your apology sounds insincere, you’ll not only lessen its impact, you may increase the harm of your original error by further angering the other person.
Their advice focuses on what not to say, rather than what to say:
- Don’t apologize with a non-apology in disguise: “I’m sorry that you got upset.” A statement like this points to the other person’s reaction as the problem, not your mistake, and comes across as though you’re trying to deflect blame.
- Say “I” not “we.” Even if you’re apologizing on behalf of your company, “I” will land better because it’s more personal.
- Say, “I’m sorry,” not “I apologize.” “Apologize” sounds formal and contrived—if you knocked someone over, would your first instinct be to say “I’m sorry!” or “I apologize”?
- Don’t apologize for “any inconvenience this may have caused.” This minimizes the trouble your error may have caused by calling it an inconvenience, and it hedges by implying there may have been NO inconvenience. Don’t waver—assume your error caused problems and accept responsibility for them.
The Bottom Line
Ultimately, experts agree that the worst thing you can do is try to run away from a mistake—keep in mind that others can see what happened with clear eyes, so if you deny it, minimize it, or deflect blame, you’re making yet another error. However, by accepting accountability, you may be able to walk away from an error in an even stronger position.
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