Quick Help: Stay Connected With Someone Stuck in Cult Thinking

When someone you care about becomes entrenched in cult-like thinking, maintaining your relationship while watching them transform can feel overwhelming. These 10 practical tips will help you preserve meaningful connections while safeguarding your well-being and boundaries.

The Challenge

When someone you care about becomes entrenched in absolutist thinking or ideology, it can feel like you've lost them to an alternate reality. Their personality may change, they might cut off relationships, and conversations can become dominated by their new beliefs. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, grieving the relationship you once had, or feeling pressure to either confront them or silently enable beliefs you find concerning.

While you can't control what they believe or make them change their perspective, you can take concrete steps to maintain your relationship while respecting your own boundaries. Here are 10 practical strategies to preserve connections with someone immersed in cult-like thinking (keep an eye out for the two or three that might be most useful to you):

1. Know why beliefs become entrenched. Recognize that people typically adopt absolutist beliefs because it fulfills a psychological need—whether for purpose, community, or a sense of control in an uncertain world. Understanding that these beliefs fulfill emotional needs can help you approach your loved one with empathy rather than judgment, making it easier to maintain a connection.
2. Skip triggering labels. Refrain from using loaded terms like “brainwashed,” “extremist,” or “cult” when talking with your loved one about their beliefs, to avoid triggering defensive reactions. Focus instead on specific behaviors or relationship changes you’ve noticed, using nonjudgmental language—for example: “I miss our Sunday dinners”—to keep communication channels open.
3. Accept reality, protect yourself. Make peace with the possibility that your loved one’s beliefs may be permanent, and avoid showing anger toward or trying to change them, as neither is likely to get the results you want. Setting emotional boundaries and focusing on your mental health will help you sustain the relationship without tormenting yourself over what “could be.”
4. Set clear conversation boundaries. Establish discussion ground rules by negotiating what works for both of you—for example: “Let’s figure out how we can talk about difficult topics without things becoming tense.” This can prevent arguments, create mutual respect, and help you to stay connected even when you fundamentally disagree.
5. Stay steady and present. Maintain regular contact with the person you care about without pressuring them to change, to show you care about and are committed to your relationship. Your steady presence demonstrates that disagreement doesn’t have to mean disconnection, and relationships can survive even when worldviews diverge.
6. Create connection beyond beliefs. Create opportunities for connection, belonging, and meaning through activities unrelated to your loved one’s worldview—whether cooking together, walking in nature, or participating in family traditions. This allows you to foster positive parts of your relationship that aren’t defined by ideological differences.
7. Ask genuine questions. Demonstrate curiosity about your loved one’s beliefs—for instance: “What drew you to that perspective?” rather than “How can you possibly think that?” This will make them feel heard rather than judged, and creates an opportunity for them to reflect on their own thinking.
8. Focus on feelings, not facts. Connect with the emotions beneath your loved one’s beliefs rather than debating or fact-checking their accuracy—for example: “It sounds like you’re concerned about where things are headed.” This reduces the chances of their reacting defensively while validating the feelings underlying their views.
9. Listen thoughtfully without agreeing. Listen without interrupting when the person you care about shares their perspective, then reflect back their underlying values and core motivations without agreeing with specific claims—for instance: “It sounds like justice and truth are really important to you.” This shows you’ve heard them while preserving your integrity.
10. Model comfort with doubt. Show that it’s OK to hold nuanced views and admit uncertainty—for instance: “I’m still figuring out how I feel about that.” This offers an alternative to absolutist thinking without directly challenging your loved one’s beliefs, subtly demonstrating the world isn’t always black and white.

Where to Begin

Which of these approaches feels most manageable to try now? Start by implementing just one strategy this week—whether asking genuinely curious questions or creating opportunities to connect with your loved one outside of their belief system. Remember, the goal isn’t to change your loved one’s mind, but to maintain a meaningful relationship despite your differences, while protecting your own well-being.

Resources

• Discover: What Makes a Cult, and How Do Cult Leaders Control Their Followers?
• ICSA: The Role of the Family
• ICSA: Unique Ways to Reach Out to Loved Ones Involved in Cultic Groups
• ICSA: What Impact Does Cult Involvement Have on a Member’s Family
• LinkedIn: How do I help someone who I think is involved with a cult?
• Magnus Vinding: In Defense of Nuance
• MyWellbeing.com: Everything You Need To Know About Cults And High-Control Groups
• NeuroLaunch: Cult Psychology: Unraveling the Mind Control Tactics and Group Dynamics
• People Leave Cults: 5 Steps to Help Your Cult-Involved Loved One
• Psychology Today: The Definitive Guide to Helping People Trapped in a Cult
• Syracuse University, Maxwell School of Citizenship & Public Affairs: Reflexive Listening
• To Think Again: Talking to and dealing with cult members: Guidance for friends and family

For more information on navigating challenging relationships, psychological influence, and communication across divides, check out Shortform’s guides to Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen; Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson; True Believer by Eric Hoffer; and Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenner et al.

What other challenge could you use some Quick Help with? Suggest a topic in the comments for us to tackle in a future article!