Quick Help: 10 Tips for Talking About Hard Things Article Summary by Shortform

The Challenge

Hard conversations with family and friends are important to have, but they often don’t go the way we want them to. This might be because stress prevents us from thinking clearly, we don’t know how to initiate or respond to such conversations, or we let our emotions get the better of us.

But you can learn how to handle difficult conversations so they’re not destructive. Instead, you can approach them in a way that deepens connection and moves relationships forward—or, in some cases, helps you part ways with grace. Here’s quick help for when you need to navigate difficult conversations.

1. Know when to talk—and not to talk—about an issue. How do you know if the issue is something you should talk about? The authors of Crucial Conversations say you need to have a discussion if: the stakes are high, you have differing opinions and strong emotions, and the issue can have a big impact on your life. Some examples are breaking up with someone, talking to parents about care in their old age, or discussing unmet sexual needs with your partner.

On the other hand, the authors of Difficult Conversations say conversation might not help in these four situations:

The conflict is inside of you.
Changing your actions would be more effective than talking about an issue.
Your purpose for having the conversation makes no sense.
You don’t have time to prepare for a tough conversation—wanting to get something off your chest right away without thinking it through might end up making the situation worse.

In addition, other experts say you don’t need to talk about issues that are inconsequential in the long run.

2. Determine what you want out of the conversation. What do you hope to accomplish by having this conversation? Once you’re clear about that, you’ll better be able to figure out how to communicate.

3. Choose the right moment—and offer a choice. Timing can make or break a hard conversation. Don’t bring up serious topics when the other person is distracted, exhausted, or already upset. Find a quiet moment and offer the other person a say in when to talk: “There’s something important I’ve been meaning to bring up. Would now be OK, or would another time work better?” This builds trust and helps keep the other person from feeling ambushed.

4. Name your discomfort. If you’re nervous or overwhelmed, consider being upfront about it: “This is hard for me to talk about.” It signals to the other person that this isn’t easy for you and might put them more at ease.

5. Use short, honest sentences. When it comes to these conversations, less is more. Instead of being long-winded, use direct heartfelt sentences. Author Anna Sale (Let’s Talk About Hard Things) says that short sentences can cut to the heart of a complex issue—they clarify what you want and how this might affect others. She gives the example of someone who was leaving a marriage, and they expressed it simply and clearly as “What I want has changed.”

There are no perfect words when it comes to talking about hard topics, and you can’t control how the other person will react. So focus on being clear, respectful, and honest.

6. Be a good listener. Showing a genuine desire to listen and understand where the other person is coming from makes them feel heard and respected. To be a good listener, approach a conversation with curiosity—think about the other person’s perspective rather than being certain that you’re right or jumping to conclusions or interpretations. Ask questions with the goal of learning, paraphrase what they communicate to make sure you understand what they’re saying, and acknowledge their feelings.

7. Match the conversation to its purpose. Not every conversation is meant to solve a problem; sometimes, one person just needs emotional understanding. Conflict or irritation can arise when you and the other person don’t have the same objective, so be clear about what you or the other person hopes to get out of the conversation. Asking “Would it help to just talk this through, or are you looking for a solution?” can help you get aligned and build emotional safety.

8. Maintain the right pace. In her book, Sale discusses the importance of “pacing”—regulating the intensity of the conversation. She writes that conversations can generate strong emotions (like anger) and that you should catch yourself before these emotions overwhelm you. She advises you to pause when you feel a rush of intense emotion by, for example, asking the other person a question, or verbally acknowledging what you’re feeling and figuring out why you’re feeling that way.

9. Know when to walk away from the conversation. If the conversation becomes hurtful or manipulative, or you sense that the other person isn’t open to listening, it may be time to walk away. That could mean ending the conversation temporarily to allow emotions to simmer down (“I need to take a break—this isn’t going anywhere right now”) or permanently (“I’ve said what I needed to, and I don’t think there’s more to be gained by continuing”).

10. Learn to be OK without closure. Not all conversations end with resolution. Ultimately, the goal isn’t to come up with a list of ways to fix things, but to gain a deeper understanding of the other person—and perhaps forge a stronger connection by facing a difficult situation together.