Great Thinkers: How to Show Someone You Love Them

Valentine’s Day spending reached new heights in 2024, with Americans dropping a record-breaking $26 billion on the holiday. But why do we give Valentine’s Day presents, anyway? Where did that tradition come from?

We’ve celebrated the holiday for centuries, but it wasn’t until the 18th century that lovers began sending Valentine’s Day gifts—first in the form of cards bearing sweet messages and later traditional gifts, like gloves and spoons. Due to a series of Victorian-era trends and marketing ploys, these gifts soon gave way to bouquets of roses and chocolate—what we now think of as quintessential Valentine’s Day presents.

Over time, Valentine’s Day became increasingly commercialized. Today, the average person might spend as much as $185 on jewelry, clothing, nights out, and more. But is showering one another with gifts really the best way to express our love? Ahead, we’ll discuss what five experts on love and consumerism have to say.

Chapman: Gift-Giving Is a Love Language

Some couples express cynicism about exchanging Valentine’s Day gifts, arguing that commercialization has diluted the holiday’s authenticity. But for the tradition to be so longstanding, there must be something meaningful behind it—otherwise, why would people continue doing it?

Pastor Gary Chapman’s theory of how people express love, outlined in The 5 Love Languages, may offer some clues. According to Chapman, one of the primary ways people give and receive love is through gifts. No matter their monetary value, gifts serve as tangible symbols of affection.

When someone gives you a present, you know they’ve been thinking of you—so you feel valued. Likewise, giving someone a present, Chapman says, reinforces your bond with them. By choosing a gift that reflects their personality, interests, or needs, you communicate that you truly see and understand your partner. And whenever they use or see that gift, they’ll remember that you love them.

In this context, Valentine’s Day presents are more than just a commercial obligation—they’re a way for individuals whose love language is gifts to feel connected and appreciated.

Wallman: Consumerism Isn’t Loving

On the other hand, our gift-giving traditions may exacerbate problems like overconsumption, waste, and environmental harm. In Stuffocation, journalist and entrepreneur James Wallman details the consequences of our culture’s obsession with “stuff,” implying that even the most well-intentioned gifts can contribute to clutter and ecological strain. In this way, Valentine’s Day gifts may be antithetical to love: What’s romantic about adding to your partner’s stress with unnecessary clutter or, worse, raising their chances of having a house fire?

Wallman isn’t a minimalist, though—in his view, stuff can’t make us happy, but material goods are still worth having when they enhance our lives. For example, if your partner is an artist, gifting them a set of fine paintbrushes would be meaningful because it would enable them to do something they love.

Wallman also advocates foregoing materialism in favor of experientialism. Experiences, he argues, are more environmentally friendly and make us happier than things. Many people would rather have happy memories of exploring a new city than a piece of jewelry that might eventually lose its shine. Research suggests Wallman may be right—an increasing number of couples prefer to buy Valentine’s Day experiences over material gifts.

Vogl: Give Meaningful Mementos

If you want to give a Valentine’s Day present that’s not an experience, as Wallman recommends, you might consider giving a memento. In The Art of Community, Charles Vogl explains that mementos are small but powerful symbols of belonging—signs the giver fully accepts and cares for the recipient. So, if you want to tell someone you belong together this Valentine’s Day, a memento might be the perfect medium.

According to Vogl, it’s important to choose mementos that symbolize something that’s important to both of you. For example, if you and your partner love hiking together, you might choose a compass necklace to represent your adventures and the direction you’re headed in together.

Vogl also says there’s a right way to give mementos: First, explain why you’re giving it to them (in this case, to celebrate your love on Valentine’s Day). Second, explain the memento’s significance (what it symbolizes and why it matters). Finally, explain the memento’s purpose—if you give your partner a compass necklace, you might hope that wearing it reminds them of your shared journey.

hooks: Love Is the Ultimate Gift

Feminist theorist bell hooks offers another way to look at gifts of love. In All About Love, hooks defines love as the act of nurturing one another, helping each other grow into the people they’re meant to be, and fostering mutual well-being.

According to this definition, love is, in and of itself, the ultimate gift—a dynamic and ongoing process that doesn’t need to be symbolized by a material object to be meaningful. In fact, hooks is critical of cultural norms that confuse or commingle love with materialism. In her view, the commercialization of love can distort its true nature, which is about emotional intimacy, respect, and the active care we offer one another.

What does this mean for Valentine’s Day gifts? hooks would likely agree with Wallman that it’s better not to prioritize material possessions. She might advise you instead to focus on nurturing your connection through meaningful acts of love—for example, a heartfelt conversation about how much you appreciate each other.

(However, as a longtime fan of Harlequin romance novels, hooks might not scoff at a grand romantic gesture or gift either, so long as it doesn’t undermine or cheapen the deeper emotional intimacy that love truly requires.)

Richo: Give Mindfully

Similarly to hooks, psychotherapist David Richo conceives of love as an action—a set of behaviors that cultivate deeper connection and understanding. In How to Be an Adult in Relationships, Richo advocates mindful loving, a style of love rooted in the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. To love mindfully, Richo says, you must be GREAT—that is, you must demonstrate gratitude, respect, engagement, affirmation, and tenderness in interactions with your partner.

Richo would likely argue that a truly meaningful Valentine’s Day gift must embody at least one of these five qualities. For example, to show engagement, you could plan a day centered around your partner’s favorite activities. An affirmation-centered gift might look like a keepsake that celebrates their unique talents or accomplishments.

Richo’s framework also reminds us that gifts, when given mindfully, are not just objects—they’re a means of communicating love and appreciation in ways that resonate with the recipient. For Valentine’s Day, this might mean focusing less on the material value of a gift and more on how it reflects the care and attention you bring to the relationship.

Great Thinkers’ Advice for Valentine’s Day Gifts

• Gary Chapman (The 5 Love Languages): Give thoughtful gifts to express your love—if that’s your partner’s love language.
• James Wallman (Stuffocation): Choose gifts that will enhance your partner’s life by enabling them to have a meaningful experience.
• Charles Vogl (The Art of Community): Give your partner a memento that represents the fact you belong together.
• bell hooks (All About Love): Love is a gift in itself, so behave lovingly on Valentine’s Day by nurturing intimacy and mutual growth.
• David Richo (How to Be an Adult in Relationships): Love mindfully, and choose Valentine’s Day gifts mindfully—show gratitude, respect, engagement, affirmation, or tenderness.

What Do You Think?

How do you typically celebrate Valentine’s Day? Which of the Great Thinkers’ perspectives most resonates with you, and why? How do you plan to express love this Valentine’s Day?