Shortcut: 4 Ways to Say No

The Problem With Being Too Nice

It’s human nature to be nice—we instinctively want to help others, avoid conflict, and be liked. But saying “yes” when you’d rather say “no” can prevent you from building true, meaningful connections based on honesty and mutual respect. It’s possible, though, to say “no” in a way that improves your relationships, instead of weakens them. The keys are separating the request from the requestor and knowing—and standing by—your boundaries.

1: Reject the Request, Not the Person

In The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier writes that you can make “no” less awkward by being clear that you’re refusing the task, not the person who requested it. Do this by being clear with your language—for example, say, “It looks like I have to say no to this project,” instead of, “It looks like I’ll have to say no to you.”

Greg McKeown offers similar advice in Essentialism, adding another tip for using language effectively: If you reject a request without specifically using the word “no,” it comes across more clearly that you’re rejecting the request, not the requestor. For example, you might say: “I would love to do it, but I’m overcommitted right now.”

2: Publicize Your Boundaries

In The Success Principles, Jack Canfield writes that others will be more understanding of a “no” if they know ahead of time what your boundaries are—clearly defined boundaries give you something you can point to as a “policy.” People respond well to policies, and will be more likely to see your “no” as justified.

Canfield advises you to identify tasks and activities that won’t bring you closer to your goals and that don’t align with your priorities—then add them to a list of things you intend to stop doing. Make this list available to others.

For example, you might decide that speaking engagements require you to divert time and energy away from activities with a bigger payoff. Or, you may decide that you won’t take on projects that will cut into your time spent with your family. You can then easily decline any requests that might infringe upon those boundaries.

Canfield credits Jim Collins for outlining this idea in Good to Great: Collins notes that successful individuals and companies are able to maintain better focus with these “stop doing” lists—essentially, the opposite of “to-do” lists.

3: Redirect the Request

In The One Thing, Gary Keller writes that saying “no” is essential to maintaining your focus on your main priority. To say “yes” to that One Thing, you have to defend it with a thousand “nos.”

It’s human nature, he notes, to want to help others, but you can say “no” respectfully and even helpfully by offering insight into how the requesting person can find help elsewhere. You might suggest another person who can assist them or another approach that doesn’t require your input—for example, you could direct them to instructions, a FAQ web page, or a help desk.

McKeown echoes this in Essentialism, advising that rather than giving a flat rejection, you could offer alternatives or compromises. This approach can help maintain relationships while still guarding your time and energy. For instance, you might say, “I can't take on this project, but I can provide some guidance to the person who does.”

However, in Deep Work, Cal Newport advises caution when using this approach. He writes that you should avoid giving what he calls a consolation prize or you’ll just create more work for yourself—specifically, shallow work that interferes with your deep work—instead of avoiding tasks you don’t want to do.

4: Don’t Over-Explain

Newport continues with more advice on saying “no” in Deep Work: He writes that your “no” will be more effective if it’s vague enough that the requester can’t find a loophole that they can use to get you to say yes.

For example, if you’re invited to an unnecessary meeting, you should simply say, “Sounds interesting, but I can’t make it because of schedule conflicts,” or, “Thank you for inviting me, but I won’t be able to make it.” If you instead go into detail, you leave the door open for negotiation; if you say something like, “I can’t because I have another meeting at 4,” the other person may suggest moving their meeting to accommodate you.

Bottom Line

It’s hard to say no—we want to be liked, but as Aziz Gazipura warns in Not Nice, prioritizing other’s needs over your own can lead to chronic stress, anger, and resentment. This is not to say you should turn down all requests for help, but becoming comfortable with saying no can prevent you from overextending yourself so you can stay focused on your top priorities.

Read the Full Guides

Shortform note: Read the full Shortform guides mentioned in this article (image: Breakingpic):

• The Coaching Habit
• Essentialism
• The Success Principles
• Good to Great
• The One Thing
• Deep Work
• Not Nice

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