Studies show that mentoring young people leads to their enhanced academic performance, self-esteem, and social skills while reducing the likelihood they’ll engage in risky behaviors. Yet, despite this evidence, many well-intentioned adults still struggle to connect with the young people they’re trying to help. The problem, it turns out, often isn’t the young person; it’s the mentor’s mindset.
Drawing on developmental psychology research as well as the lived experiences of some of today’s most influential figures (and my own), I paint a clear picture of what effective mentoring actually looks like and why the conventional approach so often falls short.
Table of Contents
Rethinking What We Think We Know About Young People
If you mentor young people, you’ll find David Yeager’s insights helpful and encouraging. Yeager starts by challenging one of the most persistent assumptions about youth—that they are fundamentally impulsive, incompetent, and in need of adult control. He flips that script entirely in his 2024 book 10 to 25.
(Shortform note: David Yeager researches how to equip and inspire young people to succeed in life. He’s a developmental psychology professor at UT Austin who earned his PhD from Stanford’s School of Education. Before entering academia, he taught middle school.)
Youth Truth #1: Young People Have Social Developmental Drives
Yeager writes that young people aren’t incompetent; they’re just focused on (and motivated by) different things than we think. From ages 10 to 25, a young person’s basic drives are socially oriented. What they want most is to find their place among their peers, explore their individuality and identity, and earn status and respect in their social environment. This is why, for instance, many teenagers seem not to care about school. Getting good grades has little to do with whether their friends like them or whether their crush thinks they’re funny. At worst, caring about school can lose them social status, because often their peers see it as uncool.
(Shortform note: Are there exceptions to this rule? Yeager deals mostly with neurotypical young people, but some research suggests that neurodivergent youth feel differently about social status. For instance, many autistic youth express that status seeking seems illogical and that they don’t want to be “cool.” Instead, they prefer to stay true to themselves, are uncomfortable with the strategic friendships and deceptions involved in status-seeking, and prefer egalitarianism over hierarchy. The researchers argue that these differences aren’t deficits but normal variations in neurotype and that autistic young people have distinctly beneficial traits such as reduced susceptibility to conformity and groupthink.)
According to Yeager, striving to succeed socially is a natural part of a young person’s development. This is because, in our evolutionary past, social success could mean the difference between life and death (and therefore whether you passed your genes on). If you didn’t belong securely to your group, you risked being left to fend for yourself.
So, young people are capable and competent; they just apply themselves to the things they care about, which usually aren’t what adults want them to prioritize. Being socially motivated, they strive to fit in, form friendships, play the dating game, and pursue any skills or activities they see as having social rewards (such as sports). By contrast, Yeager explains, academic achievement and other abstract, long-term endeavors (such as staying healthy) don’t carry the same social allure.
(Shortform note: What Yeager points out here—that young people’s natural social motivations don’t always serve modern goals—is an example of what some call an evolutionary mismatch. This is a case where an evolved human trait or behavior no longer serves us well in the modern world. For instance, many of us love sugar because, in the past, it was scarce and usually indicative of nutritious foods such as fruits. But, today, having a sweet tooth makes it hard not to indulge in junk food. Some argue that evolutionary mismatches aren’t always all bad. In fact, take young people’s social motivations: From one angle, they don’t serve long-term academic goals; but from another, they develop social competence, which strongly predicts future success.)
Youth Truth #2: Young People Are Socially Motivated
Acknowledging that young people are socially motivated clues us into a better way to view them. Yeager suggests that, instead of believing they’re incompetent problems we need to solve, we can view them as young but competent humans with developmentally valid wants and needs. In this view, they’re capable individuals with agency, deserving of respect.
When you choose to believe that young people are competent and capable, you assume what Yeager calls the mentor mindset. This belief in their competence leads to two responses:
- Because you see them as capable, you believe they can meet high standards—so you maintain strict expectations.
- Because you also see them as deserving human beings, you provide the support they need to reach those standards.
According to Yeager, operating with the mindset of a mentor means channeling young people’s natural desires for respect and status into productive ends. You do this by treating them with genuine care—listening to them, acknowledging their struggles, and making them feel heard—while simultaneously expecting excellence from them. This combination tends to earn you their trust and respect, which opens the door to genuinely productive mentor-mentee relationships.
For instance, a math teacher using this approach would set the expectation that a struggling student would still meet the class requirements. But they’d support that expectation by encouraging the student, giving them personalized guidance, and relating to them as a capable person who can rise to the challenge—not as a problem to be managed.
(Shortform note: Yeager’s mindset approach might work only if your care is genuine. Research shows that children as young as four or five years old can distinguish authentic from fake emotional expressions, and they expect people with genuine smiles to be more helpful. Kids are naturally wired to spot performative care that’s about appearances rather than real concern. If you’re just going through the motions of “caring” while internally viewing young people as problems to manage, they’ll sense that disconnect and won’t trust you. The mentor mindset requires you to actually believe in their competence; you can’t fake authentic investment.)
Five Practical Tips for Mentoring Young People
Yeager’s approach centers on empathy, collaboration, and helping young people develop both the confidence and the tools to grow through difficulty. In his book, he shares several tips for mentoring young people.
#1: Be transparent. Establish trust from the start by clearly communicating that you believe in your mentee and are there to support them, not judge them. Repeat this message during difficult moments to reinforce your role as an ally.
#2: Ask constructive questions. Rather than simply giving answers, guide mentees to think through their own challenges using open-ended questions. This builds genuine understanding and problem-solving skills they can apply in the future.
#3: Teach that stress is positive. Reframe stress as a natural part of growth. Listen to and validate a mentee’s feelings first, then help them see that struggle leads to development—encouraging resilience instead of avoidance.
#4: Connect effort to purpose. Abstract or superficial rewards don’t motivate young people. Instead, link learning to their immediate social interests and real-world issues they care about. Prosocial, community-engaged projects are especially effective at driving motivation.
#5: Help young people feel they belong. When mentees feel they don’t fit in, it’s often a fixed mindset at work. Counter this by normalizing struggle, emphasizing that change is possible with effort, offering concrete next steps, and reminding them that consistent hard work compounds into meaningful growth over time.
The Case for Mentoring: What Leaders and Researchers Say
Yeager’s research offers a rigorous framework, but the importance of mentoring isn’t just an academic finding; it’s a conviction held by many of the most accomplished people in public life. Let’s look at a few.
Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
For Ketanji Brown Jackson, reaching the US Supreme Court isn’t the finish line. In her memoir Lovely One, she describes this achievement as an opportunity to create meaningful change. Central to that mission, she emphasizes, is mentoring the next generation of legal talent. In her view, breaking barriers matters only if you use the platform it gives you to bring others along behind you.
Dana Perino
In her book I Wish Someone Had Told Me…, popular commentator and former White House press secretary Dana Perino argues that true fulfillment comes not just from professional success but from making a meaningful difference in the lives of others. One of the most powerful ways to do this, she suggests, is to look for opportunities to serve—and that includes mentoring younger people. Rather than waiting for your employer to hand you a sense of purpose, Perino encourages readers to take the initiative and seek out ways to give back directly. Mentoring is exactly that kind of initiative: a conscious choice to invest your experience and wisdom in someone who can genuinely benefit from it.
In 2009, Perino (along with Dee Martin and Jamie Zuieback) founded Minute Mentoring, a women’s leadership program designed to support young women in the workforce.
Dr. Vivek H. Murthy
In his book Together, physician and former US Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy points to mentoring as a powerful force at every stage of education. He advocates for peer mentoring systems that connect students across grade levels as well as intergenerational programs that bring elders into relationships with young people—arrangements where older mentors share their wisdom while gaining fresh energy and perspective in return. For Murthy, schools and universities have a core responsibility to build these kinds of connections into their very structure, from the way classrooms are designed to the policies that ensure every student (regardless of ability or resources) can participate.
Viola Davis
Viola Davis is an award-winning actress and producer who has won Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony Awards. She writes in her memoir Finding Me that, when she was 14 years old, she got involved with Upward Bound, a college preparatory program for high school students. She participated in a six-week academic summer program in which she lived on a college campus and took drama as an extracurricular. There she met Ron Stetson, an actor and instructor at Upward Bound, who not only taught Davis the fundamentals of acting but also made her believe that she was a true artist, both capable and worthy of success. Stetson provided Davis and other students a space to be themselves where they were fully accepted and supported.
Davis is grateful for Stetson and the other adults in her life who pushed her to take advantage of opportunities to nurture and showcase her talent. For example, her high school science teacher encouraged her to apply for the Arts Recognition and Talent Search Competition (ARTS), a national competition recognizing and supporting young artists in the visual, literary, and performing arts. With support from her science teacher and Stetson, Davis applied and won a spot. Though she felt out of place at the competition, her talent was noted, and she was awarded the title of “Promising Young Artist.”
(Shortform note: The Arts Recognition and Talent Search [ARTS], now known as YoungArts, has significantly evolved from its inception. Initially focused on identifying young talent in the visual, literary, and performing arts through awards, its scope has expanded to include mentorship, workshops, and networking with industry professionals. The shift illustrates the organization’s commitment to not just identify but also invest in young artists, providing them with the necessary recognition, skills, and connections to thrive in the arts industry.)
Davis’s story is a vivid illustration of Yeager’s core argument in 10 to 25: What changed her trajectory wasn’t discipline or correction; it was a mentor who saw her as capable, worthy, and ready for challenge.
| A Mentoring Relationship Across the Ocean In my own experience, the mentor-mentee relationship looks a little different. In 2014, I became a child sponsor with a program that would later become the nonprofit Project Hope: Uganda. The organization built an orphanage and started to provide housing, healthcare, and education to orphans in a village in western Uganda. My “adopted daughter” lost her parents when she was one year old; they were taken and killed by rebels. She came to the orphanage when she was about five years old. When she was about 12, I became her sponsor. I received a photo of her, along with a list of her needs and interests, which included music, prayer, and reading. Our relationship entailed letters (in both directions) and care packages. I hope I did a good job with what Yeager recommends: Reasonably expecting her to be capable while offering her genuine support. Even though I didn’t always know for a fact that she was working hard, I routinely told her that I knew she was—believing that would either affirm her hard work or inspire it. I told her she was a wonderful young lady, a skilled artist (she drew pictures for me), and a good friend. I challenged her to read the Bible and memorize passages, and I asked her to pray for me. She was an impoverished orphan living in a remote village, but there were lots of things she could do, and I leaned into that. My “daughter” aspired to be a nurse, which meant she would have to attend secondary school and university one day. Often, I asked her whether she still wanted to be a nurse and what her plans were to make that happen. I enquired whether she knew any nurses and told her it would be fun to learn what it’s like to be one. Eventually, Project Hope: Uganda expanded to provide vocational training and microloans to support those who “age out” of the orphanage. Ultimately, my “daughter’s” abilities made her a good candidate to be a nursing assistant. In 2023, she entered the vocational program, and today she’s working in a clinic. I’m proud of her, as always! |
The Measurable Impact of Good Mentoring
Much of Yeager’s research on mentoring took place in academic settings, and he says that, when mentors adopt a mentoring mindset, it produces a number of important benefits for students:
- Improved academic effort: In a study Yeager and his colleagues conducted, they found that a single feedback note sharing a teacher’s high expectations and genuine care got students to try harder and make use of constructive criticism on an essay-writing task.
- Lasting drive to succeed: In further research conducted by Yeager and others, mentoring methods that combined discipline with care helped students persevere and achieve more academically, even years down the road.
- Reduced inequity: Yeager notes that, when mentors provide high expectations and genuine care, students from marginalized backgrounds benefit. For instance, his feedback notes supported students of color to work extra hard and earn better grades.
(Shortform note: These three benefits reflect what education researchers call the power of “relational trust,”—the product of healthy, effective social relationships. Studies show that schools with high relational trust see notable gains in student learning. These effects are strong in urban schools with many students of color, where trusting relationships with teachers act as “social capital”—networks, friendships, and trusted mentors—that underserved students often lack. Students from disadvantaged backgrounds are more likely to improve academically thanks to trustworthy teachers who believe in their potential.)
The Bottom Line
Whether you’re a teacher, a coach, a manager, a parent, or simply someone with experience worth sharing, the research and the real-world stories point in the same direction. Mentoring works, but only when it’s rooted in genuine belief in the young person in front of you.
As Yeager’s work makes clear, young people don’t need to be managed. They need to be seen. They need mentors who hold them to high standards and provide the support to meet those standards. They need mentors who treat them not as problems to be solved but as capable people on their way to becoming who they’re meant to be. That’s the mentor mindset, and it makes all the difference.
⇒ Read Shortform’s comprehensive guide to 10 to 25 to learn more about mentoring young people.
