Can your relationship truly recover from years of conflict and emotional distance? According to relationship experts Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight and John and Julie Gottman in The Love Prescription, the answer is yes. However, it will take work on both sides.
Johnson’s method focuses on two essential practices: openly sharing your relationship fears and needs, and working through past emotional wounds together. By combining Johnson’s insights with complementary strategies from John and Julie Gottman, couples can create a comprehensive framework for transforming their relationship from one marked by conflict to one characterized by deep emotional connection and mutual support.
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Heal the Damage and Move Forward
Learning to avoid and resolve conflicts equips you and your partner to have deeper, more vulnerable conversations about your relationship. In Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson explains that in these conversations, you’ll be able to heal the damage you’ve done in the past and grow close to one another again.
(Shortform note: By having couples work on their emotional safety on a lower-stakes scale before digging into deeper conversations about their relationship, Johnson is mirroring an essential process in effective psychotherapy. Often, therapists will focus their first sessions with new patients establishing a sense of safety and trust rather than discussing sensitive issues. Without this foundation, clients are unlikely to lower their defenses, engage with their therapist, or disclose vulnerable material—all essential for therapeutic progress.)
Method #1: Share Your Fears and Needs
Johnson explains that, to repair your bond with your partner, you must practice sharing and accepting each other’s deepest fears and needs. Opening up to this degree is a vulnerable experience, so when you practice doing so in a positive way, you start to rebuild the trust necessary to feel safe in your bond. It also helps you become more in tune with each other’s feelings moving forward and to be emotionally available. During this conversation, give each other’s feelings space and address them with empathy and curiosity instead of doubt or judgment.
(Shortform note: In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg offers advice for this kind of deeply vulnerable conversation: Practice emphatic listening, which requires you to go into the conversation with no preconceived ideas of what it’ll be about, focused fully on what your partner is saying. He emphasizes that your role is only to listen. Trying to offer advice or respond to your partner—in other words, thinking about what you want to say—will only distract you. Waiting until your partner is done speaking to think about your response will help you understand their feelings on a deeper level and will prevent the conversation from getting sidetracked.)
Share Your Fears
Tell your partner your deepest fears about your relationship. Johnson says this helps you and your partner understand the true emotions fueling your conflicts, behaviors, and struggles. To access your deepest relationship fears, Johnson recommends that you start by talking about how you felt during one of the lowest points of your relationship. Then, discuss the “worst case scenario” you had in mind during that low point—something you worried your partner would do that you desperately wanted to avoid. For example, suppose you were dealing with health issues during a period of nonstop fighting with your partner. Perhaps you felt afraid that if you got a serious diagnosis, your partner would leave you.
Next, consider the feelings behind that worst-case scenario. Why was it so scary to you? Those feelings are some of your deep fears. For example, you might find that you’re afraid to be alone, or that in leaving you, your partner would prove your fear that they don’t truly love you.
(Shortform note: Knowing your attachment style is a good starting point in discovering what your deepest relationship fears are, as different attachment styles tend to track closely with specific fears. Psychologists note that those with an anxious attachment style primarily fear their partner rejecting or abandoning them. On the other hand, those with avoidant attachment styles tend to fear becoming too reliant on others or that any vulnerability they show will be used against them.)
Share Your Needs
Next, directly state what you need from your partner to feel emotionally safe right now. What could they do to help you feel more secure in your relationship? For example, you might ask your partner to sit down with you and plan out how you’ll handle things if you receive the scary diagnosis you’re worried about. This will help reassure you that they’ll be there for you, even when things get hard. Johnson explains that being clear about your needs—and what would meet those needs—gives your partner insight into how to best support you and the most effective ways to work through your conflicts.
(Shortform note: If you’re struggling to figure out your needs, Gary Chapman provides a useful approach in The 5 Love Languages. He explains that different people express their love in different ways, and not recognizing each other’s demonstrations of love can lead partners to feel unloved or that their needs aren’t being met. For example, one partner might express love by giving gifts, but their partner would feel more loved if they received verbal encouragement. To find out what your love language is and what you need from your partner, Chapman recommends thinking about what you want from your partner in terms of five categories: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.)
Method #2: Work Through Past Wounds
Johnson states that certain events in a relationship—particularly moments that cause feelings of abandonment—can become wounds that profoundly change how you view your partner and relationship. These wounds are often the root cause of many relationship struggles, so addressing them is crucial for reconnecting with your partner. Wounds can come from big, obvious actions like infidelity, but they can also come from something so small that the partner who did it is unaware of its impact. For example, maybe they skipped out on an event with their partner, not realizing how deeply important it was and that their apparent lack of support felt devastating.
To start healing, the wounded partner must be vulnerable and honest about their pain. Describe what caused your hurt feelings and how it affected your view of your partner. In return, the partner who caused the wound acknowledges their role and sincerely apologizes. Johnson emphasizes that the apology must be sincere: Showing true remorse for the hurt you’ve caused indicates that you care about your partner’s feelings and you want to repair the rift. Finally, discuss what the wounded partner needs to feel emotionally safe and secure again, and how the other partner can meet that need.
(Shortform note: While a sincere apology and a discussion about next steps can be reassuring, psychologists say that this is just the first step to repairing your rift. It’s essential that you follow up your apology with behavioral changes—consistently demonstrating that you don’t intend to hurt your partner again. When your partner sees tangible evidence that you’re trying to meet their needs, it not only reassures them that the apology was sincere, but it also restores their sense of emotional safety by proving your care and commitment.)
The Four Forms of Connection
In The Love Prescription, John and Julie Gottman emphasize that connection is key to relationships. The more often you share touches and make time for your partner, the happier and more sustainable your relationship will be. These are the four forms of connection that the Gottmans say matter most and their accompanying advice for how to reconnect with your partner.
#1: Respond Positively When Your Partner Reaches Out
Opportunities for connection with your partner don’t have to be grand, but you should seize them often. The Gottmans explain that it’s important to respond positively when your partner makes an effort to connect with you. Efforts to connect can range from a sigh to a dinner invitation. They say there are three ways to respond to your partner’s efforts to share an experience:
- Positive response: When your partner reaches out, you welcome their effort and reach back. For example, if your partner comments on a party the two of you just left, you affirm their reaction and encourage a conversation.
- Neutral (indifferent) response: When your partner reaches out, you either don’t notice it or ignore it. For example, you ignore your partner’s comment about the party and scroll your phone instead.
- Negative Response: When your partner reaches out, you directly reject them. For example, if your partner brings up the party, you tell them to leave you alone.
When you embrace opportunities for connection, you’re investing in a supportive foundation that wards off resentment. The authors explain that when you offer your partner loving attention most of the time, it’ll prevent them from holding grudges against you for the rare times you slip and upset them.
The Gottmans underscore that responding positively to your partner’s outreaches is the most significant thing you can do to cultivate a happy, successful relationship. The authors performed a study where they observed couples’ interactions for a weekend. They found that people who responded positively to 86% of their partners’ outreaches were still together after six years. By contrast, people in couples who’d broken up after six years only responded positively to 33% of their partner’s outreaches.
(Shortform note: One study found that responsiveness in relationships is determined by whether you have goals to be compassionate toward your partner. The study defined responsiveness as efforts to understand, support, and validate your partner, which aligns with the Gottmans’ concept of positive responses. The researchers also found that responsiveness led to higher-quality relationships, which further encouraged participants to be compassionate toward their partners. This positive cycle may help explain why the couples in the Gottmans’ study who responded positively to each other lasted longer than the couples who didn’t.)
How to Create Opportunities for Connection
To stay closely connected with your partner, the authors suggest dedicating 10 minutes to checking in with your partner every day. During this time, ask your partner if there’s anything you can do to support them today. This lets your partner know you care about helping them to reflect on their feelings and needs in a supportive environment. Take time to listen and do whatever it takes to fulfill their request. This builds trust, which will improve your relationship.
(Shortform note: In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman explains that it’s important to understand and accommodate your partner’s love language (the behaviors that make them feel most loved) to effectively convey love and support. There are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. To discover your partner’s love language, reflect on what they ask for from you and what they do to show you love. Next, you could communicate with your partner according to their love language during the 10-minute check-ins that the Gottmans suggest. For example, if your partner values words of affirmation, you might incorporate some praise or compliments into your check-in.)
#2: Stay Curious About Each Other
As we settle into long-term relationships with our partners, the big questions we used to ask each other with curiosity turn into logistical and practical questions (for example, “Did you take the dog out?”). However, the Gottmans explain that maintaining curiosity is key to healthy relationships. Here’s why:
- We’re constantly changing and growing. Your partner’s answers to questions that you asked at the start of your relationship could be different now. To connect with your partner and support them, stay in touch with who they are as they change.
- You’ll understand your partner more deeply. This will help you empathize with them and understand their fears, beliefs, and aspirations behind their actions. This understanding and empathy will encourage cooperation and prevent resentment.
- You’ll help keep your relationship exciting. Learning new things about your partner is an adventure. It keeps that “first date feeling” alive.
How to Ask Deep Questions
To maintain curiosity in your relationship, ask your partner deep questions. The Gottmans explain when you’re asking deep questions, it’s helpful to make them open-ended to allow your partner to reflect more and come up with a personal, meaningful response. For example, you could ask your partner to name a place they’ve traveled to that they’d like to revisit. Encourage them to elaborate and take time to listen. If you have a difficult time getting the conversation off the ground, pose a question and answer it to lead by example.
#3: Prioritize Physical Affection
The Gottmans explain that physical affection is vital to physical health and the health of your romantic relationship. Let’s explore a few reasons why.
First, physical affection releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that enhances feelings of intimacy and trust, bonding you and your partner. It also helps your body relax and heal by shifting you into a parasympathetic “rest and repair” mode. On the other hand, touch deprivation increases the stress hormone cortisol. When this hormone activates chronically, it increases your blood pressure, inhibits digestion, and weakens your immune system. For example, one study the authors cite found that expecting mothers who received 15 minutes of daily massage from their partners had a lower likelihood of postpartum depression (22%) compared to those who didn’t receive massages (66%).
Second, more touch can lead to increased libido for you and your partner, which can be fun for both of you. However, the Gottmans explain that touch is valuable in and of itself, so don’t feel pressured to progress toward sex every time. Enjoy nonsexual touch for all of the ways it improves trust and intimacy.
How to Be More Physically Affectionate
The touches you share with your partner can be very beneficial—for your mind, your body, and your relationship. But the authors emphasize that it’s important to understand what your partner is comfortable with and share your own preferences with them so that you’re both receiving physical affection that’s comfortable and desirable.
Your culture and past experiences can influence what types of touch you and your partner find comfortable and desirable. The Gottmans cite a study suggesting that touch behaviors vary widely across cultures. If your partner has a history of abuse, touch can do more harm than good if it isn’t done considerately.
To help your partner feel safe and excited about touch, ask them what types of physical affection they’re open to receiving. Then, touch as much as possible within the boundaries you establish. The authors challenge you to a few touch goals each day:
- Hug for 20 seconds. A 20-second hug has been shown to provide a significant dose of beneficial oxytocin to your bloodstream.
- Have a 6-second kiss.
- Hold hands as often as you can.
#4: Schedule a Date
Day-to-day life can consume so much of our time and attention, so it’s important to invest in time for your relationship. The Gottmans emphasize that you should make time for a date with your partner at least once per week, no matter what. Dates are opportunities to dedicate yourselves to the goals discussed throughout the book and have fun. Here are some guidelines the authors provide to make the most of your dates:
- Dates don’t have to be extravagant or expensive, as long as they involve time alone with your partner.
- Keep phones and other screens out of the picture. Focus on giving your partner your full attention, face-to-face.
- Ask thoughtful, open-ended questions.
- Make sure you’re both comfortable with and excited about the date idea.
Learn More About Reconnecting With Your Partner
If you want to learn more about how to reconnect with your partner, you can read the full guides of the books mentioned in this article here:
