PDF Summary:You Only Die Once, by Jodi Wellman

If you haven’t thought about your inevitable death today, Jodi Wellman suggests it’s time to start. In her book You Only Die Once, Wellman champions the principle of memento mori—the intentional recognition of our mortality—as the key to leading a better life. According to Wellman, regularly meditating on your mortality motivates you to live more deliberately and meaningfully, balancing vitality and meaning.

In this guide, we’ll explain why Wellman argues that contemplating death will help you live a better life. We’ll then discuss what it means to live a good life and how to reflect critically on the life you’re living, before outlining Wellman’s steps to improve the quality of your life right away. We’ll also provide additional commentary on the history of memento mori, different cultural perspectives on death, and insights from other experts in positive psychology, including Martin Seligman (Flourish) and Viktor Frankl (Man’s Search for Meaning).

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The Life Quality Quadrant

After getting an overall sense for your happiness, Wellman introduces what she calls the “The Astonishingly Alive Zones,” which we will refer to as the Life Quality Quadrant. The Life Quality Quadrant provides a framework to help you visualize how much vitality and meaning you currently have in your life. The x-axis of the quadrant is vitality, while the y-axis is meaning. Wellman encourages you to plot two points in this graph: your current state as it relates to the level of meaning and vitality in your life, and your desired future state.

Depending on where you plot yourself, you’ll fall into one of four categories or zones: stagnant (low vitality and low meaning); purposeful but stale (high meaning but low vitality); vibrant but shallow (high vitality but low meaning); or fully alive (high in both vitality and meaning).

(Shortform note: While Wellman emphasizes vitality and meaning as the key ingredients to a good life, Martin Seligman, often regarded as the father of Positive Psychology, presents an alternative framework for evaluating quality of life. The PERMA Model of well-being highlights five core elements that contribute to human flourishing: Positive Emotions (experiencing feelings such as joy, gratitude, hope, and contentment); Engagement (being fully absorbed in activities that utilize our skills and challenge us); Relationships (building and maintaining meaningful connections with others); Meaning (having a sense of purpose and feeling connected to something larger than ourselves); and Accomplishment (setting and achieving goals, developing mastery, and experiencing a sense of competence).)

This exercise serves as a wake-up call, providing a visual representation of your life’s richness or lack thereof, or the disconnect between where you are and where you want to be. Wellman suggests that recognizing your current position is the first step toward moving into the fully alive zone, which represents a life lived with both pleasure and purpose. She clarifies where you fall on the quadrant will naturally fluctuate over time and that your good life will look different from someone else’s. Ultimately, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to achieving a fully alive state.

(Shortform note: This relates to what psychologist E. Tory Higgins calls “self-discrepancy”—the gap between our current self and ideal self. The current self is our existing self-concept, while the ideal self encompasses our hopes, aspirations, and the standards set by ourselves and others. A significant gap between the two can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, restlessness, and a desire for change.)

How to Start Living Like You’re Dying

Depending on where you plotted yourself on the Life Quality Quadrant, you may feel like your life is missing some vitality, and you could use a little more joie de vivre, or that your life lacks meaning, and you’re looking for some greater purpose in how you spend your time.

In the next section, we’ll first discuss Wellman’s suggestions for how to add vitality to your life.

Increase Vitality

A reminder that Wellman defines vitality as a positive sense of aliveness and energy that fuels your zest for life, enabling you to fully engage with the world and live a life filled with joy, excitement, and novelty.

Break Habits That Dull Vitality

Wellman argues that habits can undermine vitality by keeping us on autopilot. While they provide structure and comfort, habits can dull life’s vibrancy, leading to boredom and a lack of fulfillment. To combat this, Wellman advises reassessing and adjusting habits that don’t benefit you, highlighting excessive social media and screen time as major culprits.

(Shortform note: While Wellman raises valid concerns about habits potentially dulling life’s vibrancy, James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, presents a counterargument for the essential role of habits in personal growth and achievement. Clear contends that by automating routine decisions and basic tasks, habits free up mental energy for more meaningful pursuits and creative thinking. So instead of being potential barriers to vitality, strategic habits can enhance vitality by reducing decision fatigue and creating a foundation for more enriching experiences. The key lies not in avoiding habits altogether, but in intentionally designing them to support rather than hinder our desired way of living.)

Wellman also warns that prioritizing work and financial gain at the expense of personal time and leisure can lead to burnout and a diminished quality of life. Skimping on vacation, for instance, not only robs you of rejuvenation but statistically, as Wellman points out, shortens your lifespan.

(Shortform note: Research supports Wellman’s assertion that not taking time off is linked to a shorter life expectancy. The Helsinki Businessmen Study, which followed executives for 40 years, found that those who took fewer than three weeks of vacation annually had a 37% higher chance of dying compared to those who took more time off.)

Strategies to Increase Vitality

Wellman offers several strategies to inject novelty into your life in order to help revive your sense of wonder and engagement with the world.

1) Break away from your routine and add a little spontaneity to your life. Leaning into your curiosity is one way to keep life new and exciting. When you’re always on the lookout for new information or things to learn, the world can’t help but feel fresh. Wellman emphasizes that adding a touch of novelty doesn’t require grand changes; even minor shifts, like reading a book in an unfamiliar genre or trying a new recipe, can refresh your perspective.

(Shortform note: Why do spontaneous activities feel more exhilarating and add more vitality to life? Compared to expected pleasures, unexpected positive experiences trigger the release of higher levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure. Additionally, breaking from routine stimulates neuroplasticity, leading to the formation of new neural pathways in the brain. Moreover, the hippocampus—that part of your brain responsible for memory—focuses more on experiences that diverge from expected patterns, making spontaneous moments more likely to become long-term memories.)

2) Get moving. Wellman says that incorporating more movement into your daily life—whether through walking, dancing, or spontaneous physical activity—can significantly enhance your sense of aliveness.

(Shortform note: Exercise is sometimes viewed as a chore, but research indicates that movement is essential for our emotional and physical well-being. Regular physical activity boosts both mood and energy levels by releasing endorphins, improving circulation, and enhancing brain function. Even small amounts of movement can disrupt the cycle of lethargy. Studies show that brief walks can instantly boost creativity, reduce stress, and increase vitality. The key is to find enjoyable forms of movement that feel less like an obligation.)

3) Prioritize leisure and play by joining a club, pursuing hobbies, or simply setting aside time to relax and enjoy life. This invites relaxation and joy into your daily routine. One of Wellman’s favorite strategies for incorporating playfulness is to take time off to celebrate random days, such as half-birthdays, the summer and winter solstices, or even National Talk Like a Pirate Day. These occasions offer a fun excuse to unwind and embrace a bit of silliness.

(Shortform note: Tricia Hersey, author of Rest Is Resistance, emphasizes that rest is not only a physical and emotional necessity but also a powerful form of resistance against oppressive systems. According to Hersey, resting is an act of defiance against the relentless demands of “grind culture” and capitalism, which prioritize constant productivity over well-being. She argues that rest can be a pathway to reclaiming our humanity and inherent self-worth, regardless of how “productive” we are.)

4) Surround yourself with the right people. Wellman recommends finding a role model who inspires you to try new things. Spend more time with people who ask good questions or make you laugh, and less time with the people who leave you drained.

(Shortform note: Jim Rohn, author of 7 Strategies for Wealth & Happiness, argues that we become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. He believes that our social circle significantly influences our attitudes, behaviors, and life outcomes. According to Rohn, successful people intentionally curate their relationships by seeking mentors and peers who align with their aspirations while distancing themselves from negative influences. He emphasizes that this selective approach to relationships is not about elitism but about fostering an environment that nurtures growth and supports personal development.)

Enhance Meaning

According to Wellman, meaning is what provides our lives with depth and significance. She argues that it’s the necessary balance to a life filled solely with pleasure (or vitality). It offers a sense of direction and purpose, and helps us recognize that our lives are inherently valuable and connected with something larger than ourselves.

(Shortform note: In her discussion of meaning, Wellman references Viktor Frankl’s work in Man's Search for Meaning. While Wellman considers meaning as one essential component of a fulfilling life, Frankl views it as the cornerstone of human existence. Based on his experiences in Auschwitz, a Nazi concentration camp, Frankl argues that finding meaning is key to achieving well-being and resilience, especially during times of suffering. His therapeutic approach, known as logotherapy, focuses on discovering purpose through work, relationships, and even in the face of adversity.)

Wellman emphasizes that research consistently highlights the importance of having meaning in life. A sense of meaning improves well-being, life satisfaction, mental and physical health, resilience, and self-esteem, while its absence is linked to poor well-being and higher risk of depression. Notably, those with a strong sense of purpose also typically have a more accepting view of death and less existential dread.

How to Measure Meaning

How do researchers quantitatively measure something as subjective and nuanced as the sense of meaning in an individual’s life? They use specialized psychological tools and scales designed to quantify life meaning and purpose as well as their impact on well-being, health, and other outcomes.

These measurement approaches involve prompting people to reflect on aspects of their personal fulfillment, sense of purpose, and engagement with meaningful life activities. The responses are then analyzed to provide a measurable insight into the individual’s level of life meaning.

Some of the scales used to measure life meaning and purpose include:

• Purpose in Life (PIL) test: A 20-item self-report scale that assesses how much a person perceives their life to be meaningful and purposeful. The PIL was one of the first questionnaires developed to measure life meaning.

• Meaning and Purpose Scales (MAPS): A short assessment tool that measures two key dimensions of meaning in life: meaningfulness and crisis of meaning. It also evaluates five sources of purpose.

• Meaning in Life Questionnaire (MLQ)): A 10-item questionnaire that assesses two core dimensions of meaning in life: the presence of meaning and the search for meaning. The MLQ has been translated into over two dozen languages.

Strategies to Enhance Meaning

Wellman suggests ways to enhance meaning in your life.

1) Reflect on your impact. Wellman explains that meaning emerges from connecting actions to their broader outcomes, whether through work or personal relationships. Even small daily tasks create ripples beyond one’s immediate environment, contributing to the larger world.

One way to deepen impact is by giving back to others. Wellman suggests that putting aside self-interest to support others brings meaning to life. Engaging in volunteering and random acts of kindness not only boosts personal well-being but also strengthens community bonds. Incorporating small acts of generosity into daily routines can help you cultivate a sense of purpose and connection.

(Shortform note: This perspective aligns with Fritjof Capra’s concept of “the web of life,” which describes the interconnected system linking all living things. In The Web of Life, Capra explores how our actions affect both ecological and social networks. Acts of service not only enhance individual relationships but also reinforce the entire interconnected web. This systems view illustrates how small contributions can influence the broader network, impacting both environmental and social spheres.)

2) Be a part of a community. Wellman highlights that feeling like we’re part of a community reassures us that we are valued. She thus recommends fostering connections that affirm your place in the world and nurture a positive sense of belonging.

(Shortform note: Peter Block, author of Community, argues that traditional approaches to community development often concentrate on fixing problems or addressing deficits instead of fostering connections. He emphasizes the need to shift from problem-solving and advice-giving to encouraging ownership, accountability, and participation among community members. Block highlights that a healthy community is based on three key factors: the gifts, generosity, and accountability of its citizens. Focusing on people’s gifts and strengths rather than deficiencies, and cultivating an environment of possibility and generosity—rather than one dominated by problem-solving and fear—builds strong communities.)

Wellman says you might find this community, or sense of belonging, in a spiritual practice. For some, spirituality, whether through organized religion or a personal connection to a larger existence, can be a profound source of meaning. Wellman notes that this connection can provide coherence and comfort, leading to a deeper understanding of your purpose. If you don’t have a spiritual practice, consider exploring faith traditions or other spiritual practices that resonate with you.

The Evolving Landscape of Religion and Spirituality in America

Over the past century, the religious landscape in the United States has undergone significant changes. The most notable trend has been a decline in traditional religious affiliation and participation, especially since the 1990s. The percentage of Americans identifying as Christian has fallen dramatically, with projections suggesting a potential drop from 64% in 2020 to between 35-54% by 2070. Alongside this decline, there has been a marked increase in those who identify as religiously unaffiliated, often referred to as “nones.” This group, which includes atheists, agnostics, and those describing their religious identity as “nothing in particular,” is expected to grow from 30% of the US population in 2020 to between 34-52% by 2070.

Despite the decline in traditional religious participation, there has been a notable shift toward spirituality. As of 2023, 70% of US adults describe themselves as spiritual in some way, with 22% identifying as “spiritual but not religious.” This indicates a move away from organized religion toward more personal forms of spirituality. The concept of spirituality has evolved and diversified, often incorporating elements from various traditions and focusing on personal growth, inner connection, and alternative practices like meditation and yoga.

3) Create a legacy. Wellman describes this as an enduring contribution that extends beyond your lifetime and that will benefit future generations. This might be art or music you create, a business you start, or simply the work of being a good parent or mentor. Think about the impact you want to leave on the world and how you can actively work toward that legacy.

(Shortform note: One way to leave a legacy is through estate planning, which can be more than simply distributing assets after your death; it can also be a powerful tool for transmitting values, supporting causes, and making a lasting impact on future generations. However, fewer than half of American adults have a will or living trust in place. This lack of preparation can lead to unintended consequences and missed opportunities for leaving a meaningful legacy.)

4) Embrace suffering. Wellman explains that pain and struggle are often deeply connected to meaning because they often serve as catalysts for growth and self-discovery. Facing challenges and navigating suffering push you beyond your limits, build resilience, and help clarify your priorities, molding you into a more authentic version of yourself.

(Shortform note: Like Wellman, Ryan Holiday explores how our response to challenges can convert apparent setbacks into growth opportunities. In The Obstacle Is the Way, Holiday builds on Stoic philosophy, which teaches that we often distort reality by labeling events as either “good” or “bad.” The Stoics instead advocate for viewing circumstances objectively, focusing solely on the facts. Holiday argues that by shifting how we interpret and respond to obstacles, we achieve two key benefits: We reduce the unnecessary suffering that comes from subjective judgments, and we transform difficulties into sources of resilience and clearer perspective.)

Get Ahead of Regrets

Aside from emphasizing the need to increase vitality and meaning, Wellman advocates for a regret-free life. She points out that while death is inevitable, the regrets we carry are often the result of choices we make or fail to make. She encourages a reframing of regrets, viewing them not as sources of sadness or disappointment but as powerful drivers for growth and change.

(Shortform note: The pursuit of a completely regret-free life, while appealing, might overlook regret’s important role in human development. Research by psychologist Neal Roese suggests that regret is fundamentally adaptive, aiding us in learning from mistakes and refining our decision-making processes. In fact, the absence of regret could indicate either unrealistic perfection in decision-making or, more concerningly, a lack of sufficient self-reflection. Emotions like regret are integral to moral development and ethical reasoning, serving as internal guides that help us navigate complex choices and understand their consequences.)

Wellman suggests that rather than accumulating regrets by the end of your life, you should identify potential regrets now by creating a list of “regrets-in-the-making.” Consider what you don’t want to regret on your deathbed. Would you regret not expressing something important to a loved one, not starting a business, or not taking that trip to New Zealand? Wellman notes that regrets about actions we didn’t take are often harder to bear than those about actions we did.

(Shortform note: In The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware highlights the most common end-of-life regrets she witnessed, which include not living authentically, working too much, failing to express feelings, losing touch with friends, and not allowing oneself to be happier. Her observations support Wellman’s argument that many deathbed regrets arise from missed opportunities rather than actions taken.)

Start Small, Start Now

Wellman advises against trying to overhaul your life all at once, as this can lead to overwhelm and burnout. Instead, she recommends making incremental changes that are sustainable and meaningful. Starting small involves identifying one thing you can do to either expand your life with vitality or deepen it with meaning. Whether it’s trying a new hobby, reconnecting with an old friend, or prioritizing self-care, these small steps accumulate over time, leading to substantial transformation.

(Shortform note: Similarly, in Just One Thing, Michael Mosley highlights the power of making small, incremental changes to enhance well-being. He argues that focusing on one manageable change at a time can bring significant health benefits without causing overwhelm. Mosley advocates integrating simple practices—like short bursts of physical activity, mindful breathing, or dietary adjustments—to gradually transform habits and improve your quality of life.)

Ultimately, Wellman insists that you don’t need to wait for the “perfect” moment to start living a life that aligns with your deepest values and desires. Instead, harness the motivation of your inevitable death (which is closer today than it was yesterday), and implement small changes that propel you toward a life rich with meaning and vitality.

(Shortform note: Though there is no “perfect” moment to make meaningful changes, author Daniel Pink says that the right timing can support any changes you make. In When, he suggests leveraging temporal landmarks—moments that signify a transition between phases—as opportunities to start fresh. These landmarks, such as the start of a new year, a birthday, or even a Monday, can provide fresh energy and optimism. Pink identifies two types of temporal landmarks: social ones, like calendar dates and national holidays, and personal ones, such as birthdays, anniversaries, and job changes. By recognizing and utilizing these landmarks, Pink explains there are numerous potential new beginnings throughout the year.)