PDF Summary:Wanting, by Luke Burgis

We spend a lot of time planning how to achieve the things we want, such as professional and relationship goals—but we rarely consider why we want those things. In Wanting, Luke Burgis aims to fill this gap by exploring the ideas of René Girard, an academic whose theory of “mimetic desire” seeks to explain where our desires originate. According to Girard’s theory, we don’t form our own desires—rather, we imitate what other people want or have. Burgis argues that increasing your awareness of mimetic desire will empower you to pursue life’s most meaningful desires.

In this guide, we’ll explore Girard’s theory of mimetic desire and share Burgis’s ideas on how to apply this theory to your life. You’ll learn how to push both yourself and others to chase meaningful desires instead of misleading ones. Along the way, we’ll compare Burgis’s ideas to those of other experts on desire. We’ll also supplement Burgis’s strategies with actionable steps, such as how to set boundaries with people who model misleading desires.

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Negative Effect 2: Pursuing Misleading Desires

In addition to creating competitive, harmful relationships, Burgis explains that mimetic desire can compel you to chase misleading desires. We call these desires misleading because they seem appealing at first, but they’re unsatisfying in the long run.

For instance, imagine several of your friends have gotten surgery to reduce their wrinkles. Mimetic desire drives you to do the same. However, years later, you notice you’re no less critical about your appearance than you were before surgery. You regret your decision to get surgery and realize you were driven by a misleading mimetic desire. You didn’t need to get rid of your wrinkles—you needed to get rid of your unrealistic beauty standards.

(Shortform note: Whereas Burgis defines misleading desires based on their impact—that they’re unsatisfying in the future—other self-help authors define misleading desires based on the intentions behind them. For instance, in The Courage to Be Disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga claim that your desires are misleading if it’s your intention to make others like you. They claim that you’ll never be able to satisfy this intention because you can’t control what others think of you. A benefit of this definition of misleading desires is that it doesn’t rely on your ability to accurately predict your future satisfaction, as Burgis’s definition does. A downside of Kishimi and Koga’s definition is that it can be challenging to reshape your intentions.)

Burgis elaborates that we’re more likely to pursue misleading desires when we’re unaware of how mimetic desire operates. According to Burgis, companies’ success with advertising illustrates this concept. Companies use models (including literal models—fashion models) to make their products and services attractive. Mimetic desire compels you to purchase what they’re selling, and you don’t stop to question whether you really want what you bought. In other words, companies turn a profit by taking advantage of your lack of awareness of mimetic forces.

(Shortform note: In Nudge, Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein share Burgis’s perspective that people in power (such as advertisers and marketers) shape our desires and choices—however, they portray this influence in a more positive light. Thaler and Sunstein argue that people in power (such as marketers) can “nudge” others (such as consumers) toward making good, healthy decisions. For instance, an insurance company might leverage mimetic desire to “nudge” consumers to enroll in health care—a choice that’s arguably good for both individuals and society. The insurance company could accomplish this by hiring a well-known, attractive celebrity to model the enrollment process in a commercial.)

Negative Effect 3: Societal Problems

The negative effects of mimetic desire also extend beyond individuals and competitive pairs. According to Burgis, mimetic desire causes societal problems. When mimetic forces drive many people to prioritize misleading desires over meaningful ones, society suffers.

For example, mimetic desire compels many people to continually update their wardrobes with trendy styles. This is a misleading desire: The joy of having a trendy wardrobe is short-lived because it’s not long before new trends replace old ones. Since so many people care about trendiness, large-scale societal problems exist. For instance, the competitive nature of the clothing industry motivates companies to pay their workers low wages. Additionally, the clothing industry is responsible for carbon emissions and waste that threaten the planet’s health.

Who’s to Blame When Large Groups Pursue Misleading Desires?

Burgis’s claim that mimetic forces can drive many people to pursue the same misleading desire raises the following question: Who’s to blame when large numbers of people pursue a misleading desire, leading to widespread harm?

Some experts might answer this question by claiming that we should blame human nature and biology. According to this view, because brains are flawed, we make poor decisions about which desires to pursue. For instance, in Decisive, Chip and Dan Heath argue that our brains are wired to make poor decisions because we possess many biases, such as a bias for maintaining the status quo. These biases often cause us to prioritize our short-term satisfaction (misleading desires) over our long-term fulfillment (meaningful desires).

By contrast, other experts might answer this question of blame by emphasizing how economic and political systems cause people to pursue misleading desires. For example, in The Paradox of Choice, Barry Schwartz claims that today’s market democracies offer us an overabundance of choices, making us feel overwhelmed when making decisions. As a result, we easily make poor choices (such as the choice to pursue a misleading desire) because we don’t have the time or mental energy to thoroughly consider other options.

Mimetic Desire’s Positive Effects

Positive Effect 1: Inspiration to Pursue Meaningful Desires

First, Burgis claims that models can inspire you to pursue meaningful desires. In contrast to misleading desires, meaningful desires involve long-term investment and provide long-term satisfaction. Examples of meaningful desires include forming supportive relationships, playing a crucial role in a civil rights organization, and deepening your connection with nature.

(Shortform note: If Burgis’s explanation of meaningful desires feels vague, try incorporating the ideas of other experts who provide advice on chasing fulfilling goals. In The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt specifies two types of desires that provide lasting fulfillment and are therefore meaningful according to Burgis’s definition. First, Haidt argues that people feel most fulfilled when they’re working on a project that’s challenging and aligns with their skillet. For instance, if you’re a guitarist, making a record will provide long-term satisfaction. Second, Haidt argues that reciprocal, joyful relationships with others are a key component of fulfillment. For instance, reconnecting with your grandparents might provide you with long-term satisfaction.)

Positive Effect 2: Meaningful Desires Improve Society

Burgis elaborates that fulfilling meaningful desires improve society (in contrast to pursuing misleading desires, which harms society). For instance, consider the pursuit of knowledge—it’s a meaningful desire because it’s a long-term goal that provides long-term fulfillment. You might notice that your colleague’s advanced degree equips them with valuable knowledge, and mimetic desire might drive you to increase your knowledge by getting a degree, too. When many people pursue the desire to increase their knowledge, it leads to new discoveries that deepen our understanding of the world.

(Shortform note: Burgis suggests that when large numbers of people pursue meaningful desires, it’s always good for society—however, what some people consider meaningful is subjective and may not necessarily be positive for others. For example, proponents of colonialism claim that colonizing less-developed countries is a long-term investment that improves the lives of the colonized by “civilizing” them. This fits Burgis’s definition of a meaningful desire. However, opponents of colonialism argue that it harms society by oppressing people in colonized territories and robbing them of personal agency. In other words, colonizers’ “meaningful desire” to colonize is harmful, rather than meaningful, to victims of colonization.)

Part 3: Strategies for Cultivating Meaningful Desires

In this section, we’ll explore how to identify and prioritize meaningful desires in your life. According to Burgis, awareness of how mimetic desire operates in your life empowers you to identify and pursue meaningful desires over misleading ones. Pursuing meaningful desires will make your life more fulfilling, improve society, and enable you to support others to chase meaningful desires as well.

(Shortform note: Throughout history, many influential scholars have shared Burgis’s viewpoint that awareness about how the world works empowers you to find your life’s meaning and improve society. For instance, educator Paolo Freire, well-known for his book Pedagogy of the Oppressed, elaborates that awareness empowers you to resist societal oppression, specifically. Friere argues that when people who face oppression (such as people in poverty) learn about the nature of their oppression, they are well-equipped with the knowledge to collaborate with others on resisting that oppression through collective action and organizing.)

In this section, we’ve organized Burgis’s strategies for cultivating meaningful desires into four steps.

Step 1: Identify Meaningful Desires

The first step for pursuing meaningful desires is identifying which of your existing desires are most meaningful. Let’s explore two of Burgis’s strategies for accomplishing this.

Strategy 1: Engage in Deep, Silent Introspection

Burgis claims that moments of deep, silent introspection surface your meaningful desires. You can learn about yourself—especially your deepest desires—by spending time alone, away from the influence of your models.

According to Burgis, one way to engage in this type of introspection is to go on a multiday, silent retreat. Refrain from talking and screen time to ensure you stay focused on observing your thoughts, sensations, and desires. Over several days, your meaningful desires will surface, such as the desire to connect to your roots by spending time in your ancestors’ homeland.

Incorporate Radical Acceptance Into Your Deep, Silent Introspection

Burgis claims that deep, silent introspection can surface your meaningful desires—but what if this type of reflection also surfaces your misleading desires? In Radical Acceptance, meditation teacher Tara Brach provides reassurance that this wouldn’t be a bad thing. She offers a technique for noticing misleading desires during moments of introspection and exploring them to uncover the meaningful desires beneath them.

Brach’s technique, which she calls “radical acceptance,” is a meditative practice in which you observe, accept, and learn from the desires that arise. Try practicing it when you’re engaging in deep, silent introspection and a misleading desire arises. Brach offers the following steps for practicing radical acceptance:

1) Notice the feelings and physical sensations that arise as you experience the misleading desire. For instance, say that you have a strong desire for others to praise you for a recent accomplishment. You notice that this desire manifests as an effervescence in your chest (evidence of your eagerness for praise) as well as a sinking feeling in your stomach (evidence of your fear that others won’t praise you).

2) Accept your desire. Do this by reminding yourself that the desire isn’t your fault—for instance, you might desire praise as an adult because you didn’t get enough of it as a child and you still hunger for it. Brach claims that accepting and refraining from assigning yourself blame for your desire keeps you from dwelling on it and helps you move on to the next step.

3) Uncover the meaningful desire beneath the misleading one. Ask yourself: What is the deeper, simpler, more meaningful desire behind this misleading craving? For instance, you might realize that your desire for praise doesn’t come from your desire to be the best, as you originally thought—rather, it comes from the meaningful desire to be loved. When you crave praise, what you really crave is for someone to say they love you. Recognizing this may prompt you to chase this more meaningful desire by deepening your relationships with others and specifying what type of love you need.

Strategy 2: Run Your Desires Through a “Meaningful Desire Test”

Furthermore, Burgis identifies three traits of meaningful desires that distinguish them from misleading ones. We’ve organized these traits into three questions you can ask yourself about each of your desires. The more times you answer “yes,” to these questions, the more meaningful that desire is.

1) Will pursuing the desire improve others’ lives? According to Burgis, meaningful desires tend to improve not only your life but also the lives of others. For instance, you may find that your desire to make a six-figure salary in a demanding job is less meaningful than your desire to make a five-figure salary in a less-demanding job because the latter option leaves you with time outside of work to volunteer at a shelter.

2) Will pursuing the desire produce long-term satisfaction? For example, your desire to eat at restaurants often may provide you with short bursts of satisfaction. In contrast, your desire to enroll in a cooking class may be more meaningful: It can provide you with the long-term satisfaction of cooking great food for others for the rest of your life.

3) When you’re on your deathbed, will you be glad you pursued the desire? According to Burgis, people close to dying often regret prioritizing misleading desires.

Additional Criteria for Determining if You Should Pursue a Desire

Burgis’s three traits of meaningful desires may help you begin discerning which of your desires are most meaningful, but you may also need to consider additional criteria. Let’s return to each of the questions in this “meaningful desire test” to explore why you may need to consider additional criteria, as well as how to do so.

Will pursuing the desire improve others’ lives? As we mentioned earlier, what you believe will improve others’ lives may not necessarily align with what others believe will improve their lives. Therefore, before jumping to conclusions about whether your desire will improve others’ lives, do some research about others’ needs and desires. Consider involving the people you want to support in determining how you should support them. This could lead to what experts call community-centric fundraising—when those in need determine how they use donors’ money instead of donors making that decision for them. Experts in nonprofit work claim that community-centric fundraising is one of the best ways to meet others’ needs.

Will pursuing the desire produce long-term satisfaction? Burgis doesn’t specify what counts as long-term satisfaction—a month? A year? A lifetime? To get around this ambiguity, try asking yourself this question more than once. After you’ve determined that a desire is meaningful and worth pursuing, continue to ask yourself this question throughout your pursuit of that desire, such as a month and a year into that pursuit. This will provide you with a chance to assess whether the desire has been satisfying so far, which can provide you with evidence for whether it will continue to be satisfying if you keep chasing it.

When you’re on your deathbed, will you be glad you pursued the desire? You may find it hard to imagine what you’ll think when you’re on your deathbed, especially if that seems far away. Therefore, consider modifying this question to make it more relevant in the near future. Business writer Suzy Welch’s “10/10/10 test” may fill this gap: Welch claims that you should imagine what your decision’s consequences will be 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years from now. Tweak this exercise to make it relevant to desires by asking yourself, “Will this desire feel meaningful for me 10 minutes from now? 10 months from now? 10 years from now?” If you answer “yes,” to all three questions, the desire is likely a meaningful one.

Step 2: Identify and Follow Models of Meaningful Desires

Now that you have a sense of which meaningful desires to pursue, your next step is to increase your exposure to models of meaningful desires. According to Burgis, these models can strengthen your commitment to your existing meaningful desires and introduce you to new desires worth mimicking.

(Shortform note: Educational theory supports Burgis’s claim that you grow when you surround yourself with positive models. Experts on the psychology of learning use the term “zone of proximal development” to describe the skills and knowledge that you may not be able to achieve on your own but can achieve with the support of others. According to this theory, students learn best when they’re surrounded by peers whose skills are more advanced. Similarly, you may be able to commit thoroughly to your meaningful desires and discover new meaningful desires when surrounded by models who skillfully demonstrate how to chase meaningful desires.)

Here, we’ve organized Burgis’s strategies for identifying and following models of meaningful desires into three substeps.

Substep A: Identify Models in Your Life

First, begin by identifying all of the models in your life who influence your desires (whether positively or negatively). Burgis recommends making a list. Begin by listing your nearby models at home, at work, and in your other communities. Examples include your partner, your siblings, your boss, and your religious leader. Next, list your faraway models, such as people you follow closely on social media, celebrities and politicians you admire, and historical figures who inspire you.

(Shortform note: Consider listing not only who your models are, but also what they’ve inspired you to desire. For instance, next to your sister’s name, you could write that she has inspired you to carve out more time for creativity in your life. Creating a more specific list like this might make it easier to complete the next two steps, which we explore below—identifying models of meaningful desires and decreasing your exposure to models of misleading desires.)

Substep B: Identify Models of Meaningful Desires

Next, Burgis claims that you should discern which of these people model meaningful desires by researching their credentials and determining how trustworthy they are. Let’s contrast untrustworthy and trustworthy models.

Untrustworthy models: According to Burgis, some people obtain false credentials through mimetic desire. This happens through a four-step process: 1) They become popular; 2) more people start wanting what they want; 3) this attention further increases their popularity; and 4) this popularity makes them seem credible and trustworthy. However, these models may lack the expertise to truly model meaningful desires, and therefore they’re likely untrustworthy.

According to Burgis, you can spot untrustworthy models because they’re typically self-proclaimed experts who lack true experience in the areas that make them popular. For example, be skeptical of a self-proclaimed white antiracist ally who “talks the talk” about how to be antiracist but doesn’t “walk the walk” by committing to meaningful, antiracist action.

Trustworthy models: By contrast, Burgis claims that trustworthy models earn true credentials through experience and wisdom rather than through mimetic popularity. Perhaps they have a degree or years of experience in a field that’s important to you. This high level of experience is strong evidence that you can trust their advice and desires.

Limitations to Burgis’s Criteria for Identifying Models of Meaningful Desires

When recommending which models you should follow, Burgis equates a lack of experience with untrustworthiness and ample experience with trustworthiness. However, these definitions don’t reflect situations in which experienced people model desires that don’t necessarily reflect their experience. Examining the case of influencers—people with a large following who are paid to market products or services—reveals limitations in Burgis’s criteria for identifying models of meaningful desires.

For instance, imagine that an experienced psychologist—someone who fits Burgis’s definition of trustworthy—gains a large following on Instagram for her psychology-related posts about self-acceptance. To earn an extra income, she then begins a role as an influencer who markets beauty products by implying that the products make her more beautiful and therefore happier. Because her recommendations for these products stem from her desire to be paid rather than her experience-based wisdom, her modeling of these desires is no more trustworthy than if a self-proclaimed expert modeled them.

This example reveals that just because a person is experienced and therefore trustworthy doesn’t mean that they always model meaningful desires. This example also suggests that a single person may model both meaningful and misleading desires. The psychologist models both the meaningful desire of self-acceptance (in her psychology posts) and the misleading desire of physical beauty (in her marketing posts).

Therefore, when deciding which models to follow, you may want to base your decisions on whether the desires they model are meaningful, rather than whether the model themselves seems experienced and trustworthy. Additionally, just because a person models meaningful desires one day doesn’t mean all the desires they model are meaningful—further suggesting that it’s worthwhile to hone your ability to distinguish meaningful desires from misleading ones. Given that the number of influencers is on the rise as companies increasingly rely on them for marketing, the skill of distinguishing misleading and meaningful desires will become arguably more important over time.

Substep C: Decrease Your Exposure to Models of Misleading Desires

After identifying models of meaningful desires, your next step is to decrease your exposure to models of misleading desires. If you keep these negative influences in your life, you may feel continually tempted by the misleading desires they model—which could distract you from pursuing the more meaningful desires you’ve identified. Burgis provides advice on how to do this for both faraway and nearby models.

Faraway models: You can decrease your exposure to faraway models of misleading desires by unfollowing their social media accounts or other content they produce.

Nearby models: To decrease your exposure to nearby models of misleading desires, limit your interactions with them. For instance, imagine one of your colleagues frequently models the misleading desire of losing weight by making it seem like thinner people are happier. They frequently talk about their fitness routine and compliment others on looking slim. To decrease your exposure to their misleading desire, limit your interactions with them to only those that are necessary to complete your job.

Setting Boundaries With Nearby Models of Misleading Desires

Whereas decreasing your exposure to a faraway model might be as easy as clicking “unfollow” on social media, limiting your interactions with a nearby model of misleading desires may require the more difficult task of setting clear boundaries with them. One expert on boundary-setting provides the following tips for setting an effective boundary:

Clarify the boundary you’re setting. Decide what types of interactions are necessary or fine to have with the person versus which types of interactions are unhealthy for you. For example, clarify that it’s necessary to talk about work with your colleague who extols the virtues of being slim, but you want to avoid talking with them about topics that could bring up body weight, such as eating, fitness, and clothing.

Clarify in advance what you’ll do if the other person violates the boundary. Deciding this in advance helps you feel prepared to respond appropriately to boundary violations in the moment. For example, you might decide that any time your coworker brings up eating, fitness, or clothing, you’ll provide a vague comment and then change the subject to something more work-related. If that doesn’t work, prepare something you’ll say to them that will reflect the boundary you’ve set, such as “I'd rather avoid talking about weight since it's a complicated topic and it involves unique factors for each person.”

Consistently apply your boundary. The person you’re setting a boundary with is more likely to follow that boundary if you repeatedly, consistently remind them of it. For instance, even if you notice your colleague looks great in their new outfit, refrain from crossing your boundary by complimenting them, as this could invite them to cross the boundary in return by making a comment about body weight.

Step 3: Commit to Prioritizing Meaningful Desires

Now that you’ve clarified your meaningful desires and committed to following models who support you in pursuing those desires, your next step is to ensure those desires inform your decisions. However, Burgis acknowledges that this is easier said than done: We often find ourselves in situations where we must choose among competing desires. For instance, after retiring from your full-time job, you may be unsure whether to pursue your desire to travel abroad by yourself or pursue your desire to spend more time with family.

To ensure you prioritize the most meaningful desires in these situations, Burgis claims that you should rank your values. He defines a value as something important to you that shapes your specific desires. For instance, valuing ambition may shape your specific desire of taking on a challenging project. When you’re deciding among competing desires, refer to your ranked values and determine which desire aligns with your highest-ranking value.

For example, imagine you’re a novelist who values both honesty and ambition, but you rank honesty slightly above ambition because you’d never want to lie to boost your career. One day, your ranking is put to the test when your friend makes a comment about a fascinating idea for a novel. Your ambition tempts you to turn this idea into a book. This desire puts your value of ambition in conflict with your value of honesty because the book idea was your friend’s, not yours. Because honesty ranks higher in your list of values, you decide to let this novel idea go.

(Shortform note: It may feel difficult to come up with your list of values to inform how you prioritize meaningful challenges. Consider reviewing a list of personal values, identifying your top five values, and ranking those five values. For instance, James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, provides a list of 50 values, such as “creativity,” “justice” and “wealth.”)

Step 4: Support Others in Pursuing Meaningful Desires

Finally, Burgis claims that we have a responsibility to support others in pursuing meaningful desires. Because desire is mimetic, we can’t avoid influencing others—therefore, we must ensure our influence on others is positive.

(Shortform note: In The Courage to Be Disliked, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga argue that supporting others—specifically, being useful to them—is the number one way to ensure you lead a happy life. They explain that happy people derive long-term satisfaction from contributing to others’ happiness. Therefore, supporting others to pursue meaningful desires could even be one of your meaningful desires.)

According to Burgis, you can help others identify and feel motivated to pursue meaningful desires by sharing stories about meaningful moments in your life. A meaningful moment is a time in your life when you successfully took an action that got you closer to fulfilling one of your meaningful desires. When others hear you share that your efforts had positive benefits, mimetic desire will inspire them to chase their own meaningful desires.

For example, imagine you’re a therapist, and a therapist-in-training has been hired to your team. Once you know each other, share with them about a meaningful moment from work, such as a time you supported one of your patients by empathizing with them about trauma you both share. Tell your colleague that this moment connects to your meaningful desire to build authentic relationships with your clients. Hearing this story may inspire your colleague to adopt this same meaningful desire or come up with a related, meaningful desire of their own.

(Shortform note: There may be moments when you’re reluctant to share your personal story with another—for instance, when you’re early in a relationship with someone (such as a coworker) or when you want to maintain professional boundaries. In these situations, consider supporting others to pursue meaningful desires by sharing other people’s inspiring stories about meaningful moments. For instance, you could recommend a book in which the author reflects on meaningful moments or recommend an inspiring interview. Organizations such as Storycorps provide easy access to brief, memorable stories of meaningful moments that you could recommend to others.)