PDF Summary:The Second Mountain, by David Brooks

Western culture is steeped in individualism, the worldview that encourages you to pursue individual happiness and prizes personal freedom as the highest societal good. But, according to cultural commentator David Brooks, this individualist worldview breeds selfishness and deprives your life of greater meaning. Consequently, he argues that you should embrace relationalism—the worldview that prioritizes selflessness and service to others—to lead a deeply fulfilling life.

In his 2019 book, The Second Mountain, Brooks details his own experiences to explain why the relationalist approach to life is more satisfying than its individualist counterpart. Along the way, he outlines the four commitments that are crucial to relationalism—your vocation, marriage, community, and belief system—and provides actionable steps to making these commitments.

In this guide, we’ll discuss Brooks’s distinction between individualism and relationalism, followed by a foray into the four commitments that constitute relationalist living. Throughout the guide, we’ll also discuss additional strategies for making Brooks’s commitments and examine counterarguments about the importance of these commitments.

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• Consider Morita therapy, in which you first take a week of silence to clear out the daily stressors and anxiety that obscure your purpose.

• Learn to experience flow, the state of experience where you become so immersed that time flies by; moments of flow will point you toward your ikigai.

Commitment 2: Your Marriage

In addition to a vocation, Brooks argues that a key commitment of the relationalist approach is marriage. In this section, we’ll first examine Brooks’s distinction between the individualist and the relationalist conception of marriage. Next, we’ll cover his criteria for deciding whether to marry someone, followed by his arguments about the benefits of a relationalist marriage.

Individualist vs. Relationalist Views of Marriage

According to Brooks, individualism and relationalism endorse markedly different approaches to marriage. However, Brooks argues that only the relationalist approach to marriage satisfies our yearning for a deep connection with another person.

To begin, Brooks claims that individualism’s emphasis on personal growth bleeds into its approach to marriage—it treats marriage as a pact between two independent people, whose primary goal is to help their spouse reach self-actualization. In this respect, individualism views marriage as a mutually beneficial contract in which each party helps the other grow.

However, Brooks argues that the individualist conception of marriage will inevitably disappoint you because marriage repeatedly undermines your personal needs. For instance, you have to care for your spouse when they’re sick, listen to them when they’re upset, and support them when they’re frustrated. So, you won’t be able to concentrate on the personal growth that individualism exalts, leaving your expectations unmet.

(Shortform note: Though many marriage and family researchers lament that marriage has grown more individualistic, others push back against this narrative. Indeed, one 2014 article points out that many markers of an individualist marriage—for example, having separate last names, keeping finances separate, and spending time alone—are scarcely more frequent now than in the 1960s. That these markers remain uncommon, they suggest, indicates that the individualist view of marriage that Brooks critiques remains uncommon.)

By contrast, Brooks writes that relationalism endorses a more substantial view of marriage. In the relationalist approach, marriage is seen as a covenant that fuses two people together, creating a new unit altogether. Thus, relationalist marriage requires us to forsake our independence, placing the needs of this unit over our individual needs.

This form of marriage, Brooks argues, requires total commitment: You fight tirelessly for your spouse, and they fight tirelessly for you. In turn, although you sacrifice the independence that individualism celebrates, you experience the deepest intimacy possible with another person. Since we all crave this intimacy, according to Brooks, the relationalist approach to marriage ultimately proves more satisfying than the individualist approach.

(Shortform note: Research suggests that the claim that sacrificing independence makes for the most satisfying relationship requires a caveat. In particular, researchers found that although sacrifices made romantic partners feel more committed to one another, this was only true on hassle-free days; on days where they had many hassles to deal with, acts of sacrifice did not help them feel more committed to their partner. So, it stands to reason that although sacrificing our independence will normally improve our relationship, this won’t always be the case.)

How to Decide Whether to Marry Someone

On a more practical level, Brooks claims that before committing to marry someone, you should spend time reflecting on your decision. In particular, he argues that you should evaluate your partner along psychological, emotional, and ethical lines before marrying them.

You should do so, he writes, because rapturous love alone doesn’t guarantee the success of a marriage. On the contrary, Brooks observes that many married couples initially experience such love, only to eventually get divorced. So, it makes sense to rationally assess your partner to mitigate the risk of the marriage eventually failing.

(Shortform note: Research bears out Brooks’s contention that feelings of love aren’t sufficient for a successful marriage. On the contrary, an influential study found that respect for one’s partner is most strongly correlated with relationship satisfaction, more so than feelings of romantic affection. Consequently, relationships that were built solely on romantic affection without respect are not likely to last.)

First, Brooks argues that you should assess your partner’s personality to look for any underlying red flags; since personality traits are mostly stable for adults, any red flags are unlikely to disappear after marriage.

Though Brooks considers various personality traits, he specifically addresses attachment style—the way that you deal with commitment in relationships. People with anxious attachment styles, who constantly fear abandonment in relationships, have higher divorce rates, while those with secure attachment styles, who feel stable in relationships, have lower divorce rates. So, Brooks implies we should generally prefer to marry those with secure attachment styles.

(Shortform note: While attachment theory has spawned an enormous literature, its founder John Bowlby’s claim that attachment styles develop through our relationships with childhood caregivers remains the consensus view. According to Bowlby, children with responsive, present caregivers are likely to develop secure attachment styles, whereas those with less responsive, inconsistent caregivers are likely to develop anxious attachment styles.)

Next, Brooks argues that you should carefully evaluate the nature of your feelings toward your partner. To do so, he distinguishes between three types of love: romantic love, friendship, and selfless charity.

According to Brooks, all three forms of love are necessary to sustain a marriage. If, for example, you only feel romantic love toward someone, Brooks claims that you’re merely infatuated. On the other hand, if you feel friendship and charity toward someone, but lack romantic love, you might cultivate a deep friendship without romantic feelings. So, to form the well-rounded love needed for marriage, you need all three.

(Shortform note: Psychologist Robert Sternberg has defended a triangular theory of love that bears similarities to Brooks’s account. According to Sternberg, consummate love has three dimensions: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Yet, while Sternberg’s notions of intimacy and passion correspond to Brooks’s notions of friendship and romantic love, Sternberg replaces selfless charity with commitment—the decision to actively maintain your relationship.)

Finally, Brooks concludes that it’s crucial to marry someone whose character you admire. Specifically, he argues that admiration of your partner will carry you through difficult times, like when your love feels stagnant. Moreover, because marriage is a promise, you should marry someone with integrity—someone who keeps their promises, rather than breaking them at the first sign of hardship.

(Shortform note: In Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle similarly argues that the highest form of friendship can only exist between two virtuous individuals. So, assuming that you’re friends with your spouse, it stands to reason that the same is true in a marriage.)

How to Have a Successful Marriage

Brooks argues that if you do commit to marrying someone, you must grow in three areas to enjoy a thriving marriage: You must become more empathetic; you must learn to communicate more effectively; and you must practice recommitting to your spouse.

First, Brooks observes that all marriages occasionally go through periods of tension, in which both parties believe their needs aren’t being met. In unhappy marriages, these periods lead to reciprocal blame, with neither party accepting responsibility for their role in the strife.

To have a successful marriage, however, you’ll have to learn empathy through these tense periods. For example, you’ll have to learn how your spouse reacts when they feel frustrated, and how to tend to their needs in these moments. Consequently, rather than blaming your spouse for their shortcomings, you’ll learn to step back and understand your role in the conflict. This helps you avoid perpetuating cycles of frustration that cause marriages to deteriorate.

(Shortform note: Although Brooks argues that developing empathy is essential for a healthy marriage, he doesn’t offer actionable advice for doing so. To that end, experts offer various strategies for becoming more empathetic. For instance, allow yourself to embrace your own emotions first since this increases the emotional tolerance you need to be empathetic toward others. Moreover, rather than attempting to “solve” the negative emotions that your spouse tells you about, simply offer them an open ear.)

In a similar vein, Brooks argues that healthy marriages require learning how best to communicate with your spouse. To show as much, Brooks cites John and Julie Gottman’s research on communication within relationships. As Brooks relates, the Gottmans found that successful marriages require at least five conversational attempts for connection—what they call “toward bids”—for every one attempt to squash connection—what they call “against bids.” So, more generally, Brooks concludes that spouses must learn to communicate lovingly with each other.

(Shortform note: One reason healthy marriages need a disproportionately large ratio of toward bids to against bids is negativity bias—our tendency to weigh negative information far more heavily than positive information. Because negativity bias leads us to overemphasize against bids, it’s not enough to just have slightly more toward bids; rather, toward bids must constitute the majority of communication.)

Finally, Brooks argues that a happy marriage requires learning how to recommit to your spouse. According to Brooks, recommitment is necessary during two crises that most marriages experience. First, when you have children, you’ll be tempted to focus on the simple, rapturous love that you have for your children and downplay your more complex relationship with your spouse. And second, when you reach middle age, you’ll be tempted to blame your spouse for the general feeling of dissatisfaction and loneliness that many people experience.

Brooks claims that to weather these crises, you must buckle down and practice acts of commitment once more. For example, you’ll have to commit to listening to your spouse when they’re feeling hurt and to admit your own shortcomings in the marriage. In so doing, Brooks argues that this recommitment creates a second, more permanent love that can’t be shaken.

Additional Steps to Create a Thriving Marriage

In addition to Brooks’s suggestions, relationship experts John Gottman and Nan Silver list various principles for creating a thriving marriage in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. For instance, Gottman and Silver claim that a successful marriage requires you to:

• Continue getting to know your spouse, which stimulates further connection.

• Communicate affection for your spouse, which reminds them that you still love and care for them.

• Be receptive to your spouse’s concerns and requests, which conveys respect and shows that you value their opinions.

According to Gottman and Silver, each of these principles is crucial for cultivating your friendship with your spouse—and that, they argue, is the most important factor for having a happy marriage.

Commitment 3: Your Community

While marriage involves a commitment to a single person, Brooks argues that the relationalist approach also requires a commitment to many people in the form of a local community. In this section, we’ll discuss Brooks’s arguments for the importance of building community and some of the steps he offers for doing so.

Committing to Restoring Communities

According to Brooks, the prevailing individualism in Western culture is responsible for the erosion of community. In response, he argues that the relationalist approach to life requires committing to local communities because these communities help serve our neighbors.

To demonstrate the importance of community, Brooks first discusses the consequences of the individualist belief in self-sufficiency. Specifically, he claims that this belief has led to widespread loneliness, as Westerners are afraid to ask for help from others.

(Shortform note: According to experts, the widespread loneliness that Brooks laments grew worse during the Covid-19 pandemic, as social distancing and required isolation deprived many individuals—especially the elderly—of social interaction.)

Yet, robust local communities can mitigate this loneliness. In such communities, Brooks claims that rich relationships exist between neighbors, who live selflessly and are devoted to caring for one another. In turn, healthy communities prevent lonely individuals from falling through society’s cracks.

Brooks offers various steps that we can take to foster such communities. First, he recommends creating an outlet for gathering the community together. For instance, you might start hosting neighborhood dinners or organizing city-wide festivals. Additionally, he claims you must be vulnerable at these events, sharing your struggles with your neighbors. Because vulnerability is a prerequisite for trust, Brooks argues that these moments of vulnerability are necessary for forming deep communities bound by trust.

(Shortform note: In addition to these steps, there are several other ways that you can strengthen the community around you. For instance, shopping at local businesses helps financially support the members of your community and is also an effective means of meeting new members of your community. Moreover, starting a community garden can provide a shared project for the community to partake in.)

Next, Brooks asserts you must convince your fellow community members to adopt a set of principles that ties the community together and sets the foundation for lasting progress. These principles include:

• The community can solve its own problems, since it understands these problems best.
• The most vulnerable among us—the impoverished, the disabled, the elderly—are most important because we judge communities by the treatment of their lowest members.
• We should aim for progress over decades, not just months, because the community that we start cultivating now will have an impact far into the future.

(Shortform note: In Thank You for Being Late, Thomas Friedman lists other steps needed to strengthen communities that supplement Brooks’s principles. For example, he argues that community-conscious local businesses can help communities thrive, as they can provide jobs and address problems specific to your community.)

Finally, Brooks argues that to solidify the community that’s been formed so far, you need to implement new traditions that define the new community. For example, you might start a tradition of the entire community attending high school graduations to celebrate the accomplishments of the community’s students. By creating a feeling of cohesion, these new traditions reinforce the community that’s grown so far.

(Shortform note: In addition to creating more cohesive communities, researchers have found that traditions promote cohesion in family units as well. Family traditions, they reported, serve to stabilize the family in periods of stress and are correlated with higher marital satisfaction and adolescent mental wellness.)

Commitment 4: Your Belief Systems

In addition to committing to a community, Brooks argues that the relationalist approach requires a commitment to ideas. In this section, we’ll discuss two categories of ideas that Brooks finds worthy of commitment: intellectual ones and religious ones.

Embracing the Intellectual Life

The intellectual life, according to Brooks, involves the relentless pursuit of truth and moral development. Brooks suggests that we should commit to the intellectual life because it teaches us to pursue the highest desires—like truth, wisdom, and flourishing.

(Shortform note: The notion of truth, wisdom, and flourishing being higher desires remains contentious; according to hedonistic theories of ethics, for example, pleasure is the only intrinsically valuable desire. According to this view, then, pursuing truth and wisdom is only valuable insofar as it maximizes pleasure.)

To show as much, Brooks outlines an array of virtues from the intellectual life that he says help elevate our desires. And though he lists more, we’ll focus on three key virtues: open-mindedness, objectivity, and intellectual courage.

First, Brooks observes that the intellectual life requires exposure to the varying moral worldviews that were prominent throughout history—including, for instance, the Greek moral system that prized honor and the Christian moral system that prized humility. In turn, intellectual commitment fosters open-mindedness and the ability to evaluate these varying moral systems.

(Shortform note: Although exposure to alternate worldviews might normally lead to open-mindedness, Matthew Syed clarifies that this isn’t always the case. In Rebel Ideas, Syed argues that those in echo chambers—which undermine trust in alternate views by attacking their proponents—actually become more entrenched in their own beliefs when exposed to different views.)

Next, Brooks claims that intellectual commitment helps us perceive the world more objectively, rather than through the lens of our prejudices and biases. This consequently teaches us humility, as it forces us to recognize the biases that distort our thinking and discard them.

(Shortform note: Brooks’s claim that intellectual commitment helps us overcome our biases is complicated by the fact that many of our biases are implicit, lurking in our subconscious. Indeed, in her book, Biased, Jennifer Eberhardt even argues that the majority of our biases are implicit, making them harder to uproot. To address such biases, Eberhardt recommends examining our assumptions slowly and methodically, as implicit biases arise frequently in quick, intuitive forms of thinking.)

Finally, Brooks asserts that the intellectual life teaches us intellectual courage, the capacity for seeking out what is true rather than merely what is popular. Although this won’t satisfy the ego’s vain desire for approval and recognition, Brooks implies that it satisfies our deeper desire for truth and knowledge.

(Shortform note: Though Brooks claims that intellectual courage forbids us from forming beliefs to earn popularity, some philosophers go a step further—one philosopher, for example, argues that intellectual courage requires us to seek the truth when doing so threatens our well-being. On this account, intellectual courage isn’t just a matter of not forming beliefs to be well-liked, but rather forming beliefs that will actively result in our being disliked.)

Embracing the Religious Life

In addition to intellectual commitment, Brooks discusses religious commitment, arguing that religious commitment is crucial for leading a selfless and fulfilling life.

Historically, Brooks notes that religious commitment has been a source of internal peace amidst external hardship. For example, he cites the experience of Soviet dissident Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who was imprisoned for his critique of the Soviet Union. Although he frequently suffered cruelty from guards, Solzhenitsyn’s faith in divine providence helped him weather these cruelties and view his oppressors with compassion, rather than scorn.

(Shortform note: Though religious commitment has helped believers like Solzhenitsyn weather external difficulties, the same is true of philosophies like Stoicism. For instance, in Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations, he argues that hardships themselves don’t harm you, but rather how we perceive these hardships. In turn, stoics like Aurelius claim to handle even the most rugged situations with equanimity.)

Moreover, Brooks claims that religious beliefs provide guidance for leading a morally upstanding life. In short, he argues that religious stories reveal underlying moral truths that show us how we ought to live. For instance, the Biblical story of Job—who retains his faith in the face of extreme suffering and loss—illustrates the importance of patience, persistence, and trust.

(Shortform note: Some argue that even if religious beliefs do provide moral guidance, they aren’t required for leading a moral life. For example, in 21 Lessons for the 21st Century, Yuval Noah Harari argues that secular people can likewise have well-formed moral compasses, making religious belief superfluous in this respect.)

Christian commitment in particular, Brooks argues, squashes believers’ pride through its emphasis on unearned grace. Specifically, mainstream Protestant theology holds that the good works we perform cannot earn us God’s grace. Rather, God’s grace is given through our faith alone, not earned through our actions. (Shortform note: Though Brooks’s discussion focuses mainly on his own experience with Christian faith, he implies that any form of religious belief conveys the benefits we discuss here.)

In his own case, Brooks writes that this doctrine hurt his pride, as he arrogantly believed that his actions were sufficient for securing his salvation. Because he had become proud of his worldly accomplishments, the notion that they weren’t enough was an affront to his identity. In turn, committing to this doctrine forced Brooks to abandon his pride and cultivate humility—in other words, it helped him become more virtuous.

(Shortform note: Though Brooks writes as if the view that salvation comes through faith alone is standard in Christianity, it’s worth mentioning that this view is distinctly Protestant. According to Roman Catholic doctrine, however, God’s grace helps us to perform works that contribute to our ongoing justification—the process by which we are saved and made righteous. So, while we cannot earn our salvation through good works alone, these works nonetheless play a larger role than they do in Brooks’s preferred Protestant account.)

Lastly, Brooks argues that religious faith teaches us the importance of long-term commitment, even when doubt infiltrates our minds. To show as much, Brooks cites the story of Mother Teresa, a Catholic saint who dedicated her life to caring for society’s most vulnerable. Although Mother Teresa was a devout Catholic, she suffered long bouts of doubt in which her faith felt hollow and her connection with God felt severed. Indeed, for 40 years she endured these doubts.

Yet, although Mother Teresa’s belief wavered, her commitment didn’t: She continued to serve the poor, which she saw as an expression of her faith. And although few of us will reach the commitment of Mother Teresa, Brooks argues that her story carries a general point—religious commitment teaches us to be steadfast, even in the face of doubt.

(Shortform note: Some philosophical accounts of faith argue that, as in Mother Teresa’s case, one key purpose (and justification) of faith is its ability to support long-term commitments, even when our beliefs and enthusiasm waver on a day-to-day basis. So, for instance, faith in our spouse can help us to remain committed to them, even on days when we feel doubtful about the relationship.)

How to Make Religious Commitment Easier

Brooks recognizes that religious commitment is difficult in practice. However, he argues that several factors make this commitment easier: rituals, prayer, and a rich religious community.

First, Brooks observes that religions are rife with rituals, such as communal liturgy, taking communion, and bowing in submission. These rituals, he claims, remind us of key truths. For instance, liturgy reminds us of the core doctrines that we believe; communion reminds Christians of Jesus’ death on the cross; bowing reminds us of our lowliness before God. So, by performing rituals consistently, we’re better able to remain committed to our faith.

(Shortform note: French philosopher Blaise Pascal goes a step further than Brooks, arguing that religious rituals—like taking communion and going to church—don’t just help us become more committed, but can even foster religious belief among non-believers. In turn, for atheists and agnostics who wish to become religious, but feel incapable of doing so, Pascal recommends that they consistently perform such rituals.)

Next, Brooks argues that prayer fortifies our relationship with God, since it brings us into conversation with him. In particular, he claims that prayer helps us overthrow our selfish desires and instead adopt the selfless desire to glorify God. So, he concludes that consistent prayer helps us establish a steadier religious commitment.

(Shortform note: Strengthening your religious commitment might not be the only benefit of prayer; one study finds that trust-based prayers in particular—those which confess trust in God, rather than petitioning him for something—are linked to greater life satisfaction over time.)

Finally, Brooks argues that a community of dedicated believers—those who have embraced a life of faith, serving the marginalized rather than pursuing worldly desires—shows us how to lead the religious life. These people provide the paradigm for religious commitment, and Brooks implies that by imitating them, we can also have such commitment.

(Shortform note: For elderly people in particular, belonging to a religious community is correlated strongly with increased mental well-being. However, this correlation is stronger for men than women, who benefit equally from low to moderate religious involvement as they do from high religious involvement.)