PDF Summary:The Rational Male, by Rollo Tomassi

What qualities does a “real man” display? Are men who play the role of a strong protector and provider a relic from the past—or even toxic and dangerous? Popular blogger and podcaster Rollo Tomassi says no.

In The Rational Male, Tomassi explains that men need to resist women’s calls to be nicer, gentler, and more emotional. Trying to be more like women will only keep men subjugated to a feminine agenda. Instead, men must reclaim their masculinity to achieve the freedom, confidence, and success they want.

In this guide, we’ll review Tomassi’s interpretations of what drives men and women—and the lies behind the feminine agenda that, according to Tomassi, allow women to manipulate men. We’ll also examine research in biology, sociology, and psychology that explores the concepts Tomassi mentions.

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Men Are Discouraged From Trying to Understand Women

Tomassi argues that the lie of the mysterious, unknowable female serves to discourage men from attempting to understand women. If men understood women, they would be able to see through and resist women’s control and manipulations.

(Shortform note: Tomassi says that women’s manipulations undermine men’s power. So, how can you tell if someone is manipulating you? Here are some concrete warning signs to look out for, according to experts: A manipulative person may point out your flaws in front of others, change their requests and desires often, use guilt against you by reminding you of past wrongdoings, violate your boundaries, ignore your opinions, and give you the silent treatment.)

In truth, Tomassi asserts, women are not unknowable. To the contrary, men can understand women by tapping into the collective knowledge that men have accumulated about women—particularly over the past 20 years—in books, online forums, and virtual communities. Men around the world can easily access powerful truths about women that guide them on how to understand women’s motivations and subvert female dominance.

Tomassi’s Work and the “Manosphere”

Tomassi could well be referring to his own work as a source of help for men, as he has many different platforms where he discusses the issues he explores in The Rational Male. These include his popular blog and YouTube channel, which has over 150,000 subscribers.

Tomassi is also part of the “manosphere” community, a loosely connected online network of blogs, forums, YouTube channels, and subreddits aimed at men. Many people involved in the manosphere say the advice they’ve received from other men has helped them avoid pitfalls of dating and relationships and become the best version of themselves. Critics say the manosphere is dangerous, leading men to express hatred toward women and girls —even prompting acts of extreme violence.

Lie #3: Nice Guys Are Unique and Women Want Them

Women spread the lie that they want “nice guys” who, they say, are few and far between. Most men, they disingenuously lament, are cocky meatheads locked in an outdated version of masculinity that leads them to be insensitive, overly aggressive, emotionally distant, and out of touch with what women want and need.

Tomassi says this is blatantly false. In reality, he explains, most men are “nice guys”—caring, compassionate, supportive, and accommodating to women’s needs—because they’ve been socialized to display qualities that women say they value. In effect, Tomassi says, most men have become like women—in the misguided belief that doing so will make them more attractive to women.

But men disadvantage themselves, Tomassi explains, by being nice and embodying feminine qualities. Why? Because women are not actually drawn to nice guys. Rather, they are drawn to guys who stand out from the pack. Men who act cocky and selfish, Tomassi insists, will be noteworthy and will appeal to women most.

Remember, women never say what they really want. So, even though a woman says she wants a nice guy, she actually wants a man who is confident enough to prioritize his own interests and beliefs—an indicator that he will be a good provider and protector.

What Do Women Really Want?

Other prominent voices who address male-female relationship dynamics echo Tomassi’s call for men to abandon their “nice guy” mindset and behaviors. For example, in No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover says “being nice” causes men to deny their power and experience unsatisfying intimate relationships, frustration, bitterness, and disappointment. He encourages men to improve their lives by becoming an Ideal Man who is secure in his masculinity, sexuality, and self-image. Both Tomassi and Glover call for men to embrace their innate masculine tendencies and to prioritize their needs.

However, in contrast to Tomassi, Glover asserts that women aren’t attracted to “jerks” who exhibit selfish, insulting behavior. So, what qualities in men do women really find attractive? Glover argues that women are attracted to confident people who fully accept themselves. Meanwhile, according to research, here’s what women look for:

• Good looks, though more so for flings and less so for long-term relationships

• A sense of humor, which is seen as a sign of intelligence

• Altruism and kindness, though more so for long-term relationships and less so for flings

• Men with expensive cars or apartments who appear wealthy

• Older men who’ve had time to acquire more resources

• Men who are unavailable or who “play hard to get”

• Men with dogs

• Men who are attentive, present, and nonjudgmental

• Men who wear red, a color associated with high status

• Men who undertake heroic risks like saving someone’s life

Lie #4: Women Reach Their Sexual Peak Later in Life

Finally, women promote the lie that older women are sexually desirable and exciting. As Tomassi explains, this lie supports women’s mating strategy. As we discussed previously, women are driven to find the best-qualified, highest-status man they can get. They need ample time and opportunity to do that.

The lie that women reach their sexual peak later in life gives women the buffer they need to vet men as potential providers. According to Tomassi, here’s how this works: Early in life, when women are more fertile and physically appealing, they seek out and can “hook” men whose contribution to offspring is purely genetic—guys who are fit, muscular, and attractive. But, they know they will eventually need a man who has sufficient money, connections, and status to protect and support them and their children. So, later in life, women shift their focus away from men’s looks and instead prioritize long-term security, seeking out men with ample money, connections, and status.

When these secure, successful men believe the lie that older women reach their sexual peak later in life, they’re more vulnerable to making bad relationship decisions. A man will convince himself that an older woman who seems—and supposedly is—supremely sexually vital, eager, and experienced is somehow a better option than a younger, more fertile, and more sexually desirable woman.

Contrary to popular belief, Tomassi says, women’s prime sexual years are between ages 18 and 25. This is when they’re most attractive and desirable as mating partners, determined by biology. In contrast, men’s prime sexual years are between ages 30 and 36, determined by a combination of their physical attractiveness, level of social dominance, and professional achievements. Whereas women’s sexual desirability is short-lived and declines rapidly with age, Tomassi contends, men’s sexual desirability is more sustained and often increases as they age.

Clarifying Women’s Sexual Peak and How It Influences Their Relationship Decisions

Whereas Tomassi defines someone’s sexual peak as the time when they’re most attractive and desirable as a mating partner, doctors and psychologists define sexual peak as the period in someone’s life when they are most capable of having frequent, high-quality sex—unrelated to their reproductive capability.

Recent research suggests women reach their sexual peak between 27 and 45 years old, while men peak in their early 20s. Hormones levels for both men and women decline throughout their reproductive years, which tends to lower libido. However, people of all ages can have satisfying sex, and research confirms a vast range of sex drives and sexual activity across ages. Many people, women in particular, report having better sex when they’re older. This may be due to having more experience, more skilled partners, and more comfort communicating their needs.

So, how does the discrepancy between men’s and women’s sex drives influence women’s relationship preferences? Research shows that some older women seek out younger men because they want partners who can keep up with their high sex drives. In one study, women dating younger men gave three reasons for seeking out younger men:

• They believed younger men were more equipped to satisfy them sexually—the men would want more sex and would last longer during sex.

• They felt more comfortable being assertive about their sexual needs and desires, assuming younger men would appreciate them taking a more active role.

• They thought younger men would be more keen to prioritize their partner’s sexual pleasure than their own—anticipating that younger men would try harder to impress women with their skills than older men.

How Men Can Get Their Masculine Swagger Back

Now that you know the main lies women use to subjugate men, let’s look at how men can reclaim control of their lives. Tomassi explains that men can loosen the grip of the feminine agenda and step into their power, but it’s a process that takes time. Men must become aware of their own value and embrace their natural masculine impulses.

In this section, we’ll look at the three main rules Tomassi outlines for men to recognize their value, have more sex, build better relationships, and feel good about themselves: postpone long-term relationships, don’t negotiate for sex, and keep women curious and uncertain.

Rule #1: Postpone Long-Term Relationships and Build Your Value

Tomassi advises men to remain single until their 30s, the time when their sexual desirability is highest. Delaying commitment will allow them to gain experience with many women so they’re better able to judge character and identify good female mating partners.

(Shortform note: Tomassi’s advice to postpone relationships could backfire, as some women avoid men who have never been in a long-term relationship. These women assume that perpetually single men are somehow “damaged” or unwilling to commit.)

Before their 30s, Tomassi advises, men should build their value by pursuing their educational and career ambitions, as well as devoting time to their physical fitness. By building their value, men will enjoy better sexual opportunities as they mature, as women are attracted to fit, successful men.

(Shortform note: While Tomassi frames building their value as something men should do to attract women, in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey suggests that it’s something men must do before they enter the dating scene. Harvey says that a man’s self-worth and value as a partner are linked with his achievements, particularly his job, title, and earning capability. He elaborates that only when men measure up in these areas can they truly devote attention to women and relationships.)

Additionally, Tomassi says, the more value men build—through their status, career achievements, and physical attractiveness—the more leverage they will have with women. A high-status, physically and socially dominating man can define the terms of his relationship with a woman much better than a frumpy guy working a minimum-wage job.

(Shortform note: Research doesn’t specifically address Tomassi’s claim that higher-status, attractive men can more easily dictate the terms of their relationships. However, research does show that when women earn more and have higher-status jobs than their husbands, they resent their husbands, experience more conflict in their relationships, and often express a desire to leave their marriages. Thus, men may be wise to pursue status and career success as Tomassi advises because they’ll be more likely to build harmonious relationships that last.)

Rule #2: Don’t Negotiate for Sex

It’s essential, says Tomassi, that men refuse to negotiate with women for sexual access. Women control men by granting or denying sexual access, and men need to stay alert for any conditional offers of sex. For example, a woman might say, “We can have some fun later if you take me to that new restaurant,” or “If you stay home tonight instead of going out with your friends, I’ll make it worth your while.”

When a woman negotiates for sex, it’s a test. She’s assessing whether a man is the strong protector and provider she needs. According to Tomassi, a man fails this test by succumbing to a woman’s demands. He sends the message that he needs her more than she needs him, surrendering his authority and losing the woman’s respect.

(Shortform note: Many people agree with Tomassi that it’s a bad idea for couples to approach sex as a transactional arrangement. For example, if a woman consents to sex only if her man changes the oil in her car, it can lead to resentment. However, couples who talk openly about sex—including how frequently they want to engage in sex—can have healthy negotiations around sex that lead to a frequency of intercourse that’s satisfying for both partners.)

As Tomassi explains, a woman wants to see that her romantic partner controls the circumstances around him. Therefore, refusing to negotiate is the only way for men to pass the test. In this way, men demonstrate their independence, honor their value, and ensure that women’s desire is real, not just a reward for men’s compliance.

(Shortform note: Many studies confirm Tomassi’s assertion that women like men who are confident, independent, and in control. But make sure confidence doesn’t transform into arrogance and selfishness, which turns women off. To demonstrate that you’re a guy who has confidence without arrogance, be kind, respectful, open-minded, and modest. Listen intently when others talk, and deliver your opinions with clarity.)

Rule #3: Keep Women Curious and Uncertain

Tomassi argues that men need to be unpredictable by finding creative ways to pique women’s imaginations. Although women say they want a man who’s reliable and steady, they actually want a man who sparks excitement, intrigue, and mystery.

As soon as a woman thinks she knows all there is to know about a man, she loses interest. Why? When there’s nothing more to learn about a guy, she can continue scanning elsewhere to compare him with other men—always seeking the highest-status man available. But if a man keeps a woman guessing about what he’ll do or say, she’ll see him as independent, assertive, and exciting. As Tomassi explains, that compels her to be attentive and respectful, and she’ll continue investing energy into him.

So, how can men build intrigue and spark excitement to keep women interested? Tomassi recommends being creative: Go out with the guys after work, make a cocky comment, be funny, start working out, take up a new hobby, or change the way you dress.

How to Keep Your Relationship Exciting

It’s normal for a relationship to get a little mundane after a while, and it’s important—as Tomassi says—to be intentional about keeping things fresh and interesting. Although Tomassi offers suggestions that men can mostly do alone, here are some unpredictable things couples can do together to spark each other’s curiosity:

• Hang out with other couples who are fun to be around.

• Try out a new class or activity that stretches your comfort zone, such as a cooking class or pottery lesson.

• Set a fitness goal and pursue it together, like running a 5K.

• Go on a spontaneous date to somewhere neither of you has been before.

• Leave each other love notes or send romantic text messages.

• Take a trip or stay at a local hotel for one night.

• Surprise each other in creative ways, like cooking a delicious meal on a random weeknight.

• Create a scavenger hunt for each other.

• Schedule a photoshoot and have a fun theme like throwback 90s clothes.

Keep Multiple Women in Your Dating Rotation

The best thing a guy can do to build their intrigue in the eyes of women is to have multiple sexual options. Tomassi advises men to unapologetically build up a roster of eligible sexual partners. Doing so will highlight men’s sexual desirability—in their own eyes and in the eyes of the women they date. Further, Tomassi says that a man with options is a man with power, which inevitably leads to confidence. A man without options will feel and act needy—the opposite of what attracts women.

Tomassi advises men to be forthcoming with their dating partners about being nonexclusive, or at least give the impression that they have many women clamoring for their attention. The same advice holds true for men in committed relationships: Tomassi says they must routinely hint to their female partners that other women find them attractive. Why is this so important? When a woman knows that other women desire her man, she sees him as more valuable and alluring.

(Shortform note: Men pursuing many sexual options, as Tomassi suggests, may aid women in an unexpected way: Doing so may free women to do the same. According to research, it’s women, not men, who primarily desire open relationships. Whereas women get bored having sex with the same person after a span of one to four years, men in committed relationships are happy having sex with their partners for nine to 12 years without getting bored.)

How to Successfully Date Multiple Women

Tomassi offers some general guidance around how to date many women at once to build your confidence and desirability, but if you’re really looking to pull this off, you’ll need to be very clear in your communication, as Tomassi suggests. Many women are totally fine with nonexclusive relationships, but you could send them running if you deliver the wrong message.

Here are some tips for communicating your non-exclusive status:

• Gently let your partners know that you’re not looking for a girlfriend right now and want to be non-exclusive. There’s no need to force this conversation. Just pick a time when talking about this feels appropriate and natural.

• Avoid sharing too much. For example, you can tell a woman that you can’t see her tomorrow night because you have other plans, but you don’t need to tell her that you’re going on a date with a beautiful woman you met at the gym.

• Use social media with caution. Don’t “friend” women you date or post pictures of you with your other dating partners.

• Play it cool. Don’t go over the top with feelings-laden expressions of admiration, like “you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.” If you’re dating a woman who’s also not looking for a relationship, emotional outpourings will likely turn her off.

• Practice safe sex. Be sure to keep yourself and your dating partners protected from transmissible diseases.

The Truth About Long-Term Relationships

Now that you know what men need to do to regain control of their lives, let’s discuss how long-term relationships fit into this picture. Are long-term relationships good or bad for men? Should men try to build a long-term relationship, or will that undermine their efforts to gain control of their lives?

In this section, we’ll examine three of Tomassi’s fundamental truths about committed relationships so you know how to navigate this important domain. Tomassi doesn’t prescribe a particular relationship goal for all men. Rather, he shares his insights and leaves men to decide what’s best for them.

Truth #1: Men Don’t Need a Long-Term Relationship

The feminine agenda upholds monogamous, committed relationships as the ultimate achievement in our culture. Men are led to believe that they have one true soulmate and it’s up to them to find that elusive “one” and settle down.

(Shortform note: Many areas of our culture promote belief in a soulmate, including films, books, magazines, and television shows. For example, the reality show The Bachelor showcases a single man who dates several women in an effort to find his true love. Many religious traditions also bolster the soulmate belief, downplaying the importance of economic or social compatibility in favor of a spiritual connection.)

This fantasy, Tomassi asserts, has two effects. First, it undermines men’s natural tendencies to seek out multiple sexual partners without attachment. When they buy into the bogus notion that there is one perfect woman for them, they invest precious emotional and financial resources in pursuit of that one treasure.

Second, it causes men to desperately hunt for their soulmate so they can fulfill the cultural expectation to get attached and settle down. Consequently, Tomassi says, a man often settles for a woman who is not a good match. And then he invests more into that relationship—trying to buy love, and fix himself or his partner—instead of cutting his losses and walking away.

(Shortform note: How prevalent is the belief in a soulmate, and how many people truly invest their emotional and financial resources into finding theirs? According to research, 73 percent of Americans believe their happiness depends on finding their predestined soulmate. As Tomassi says, this belief can have negative effects. People who believe they are fulfilling their destiny by committing to their assumed soulmate are more likely to lose interest in their partner and give up when any challenges surface in the relationship. To reduce your chances of suffering disillusionment that leads to painful breakups, stop trying to fulfill an unrealistic fantasy. Instead, focus on building an authentic, meaningful connection with a person with compatible interests.)

Men need to stop believing there is only one perfect match out there for them and that a committed, monogamous relationship is their duty or destiny: They can settle down if they want to, but it’s not a mandate. Tomassi cautions that commitment forces a man to sacrifice his sexual strategy in favor of a woman’s. Thus, the man surrenders, to a large degree, his options and freedom. Men remain sexually desirable well into old age, and they can live happy, fulfilled lives without locking themselves into a committed relationship.

Are Married People Happier?

Let’s look at what research says about Tomassi’s assertion that single men who heed their “natural” instinct to eschew attachment can be just as happy as married people. Some research shows that married people tend to be happier, healthier, and live longer than single people. Breaking this finding down further, marriage seems to make women happier than men but provides more health benefits to men than women. Arguably, these benefits to health and happiness could outweigh the loss of options and freedom that Tomassi associates with marriage.

However, many complicating factors prevent us from making any direct causal connections between marriage and life outcomes. For example, a tumultuous, abusive marriage will not foster happiness. And given that married people are more likely to have health insurance, improved health outcomes may be linked with access to health care rather than support and nurturing from a partner.

Other research has found that single people are more likely than married people to have deep, rewarding relationships with their friends, family members, and colleagues. When singles proactively pursue those social connections, their happiness can exceed that of married people. So, a strong social network can outweigh the benefits of having a committed, long-term partner.

That said, new research indicates that single women are generally more satisfied with their singlehood than men. Men who are older, more educated, and in worse health report the lowest levels of satisfaction with their single status. Hence, while Tomassi is right that men don’t need a long-term relationship to be fulfilled, they should carefully evaluate their priorities when choosing singlehood or marriage (an idea Tomassi would likely also agree with, as we’ll see next).

Truth #2: Men Can Create Long-Term Relationships on Their Terms

According to Tomassi, men can create healthy long-term relationships by following some basic guidelines. First, a man must choose a woman he truly cares for. He must resist pressure to find his imaginary soulmate as quickly as possible. Instead, Tomassi says, a man must be patient and gain experience with lots of women so he knows what he likes. Although there’s no such thing as a “perfect” woman, he must choose someone who has enough of what he needs to satisfy him. He should be so passionate about her that it’s worth limiting his future opportunities.

Second, a man must define the relationship dynamic by establishing his authority and independence. He needs to say no, be unpredictable, and make it clear that he won’t compromise his beliefs and ambitions for sexual access. Tomassi says that when a man sets the terms in this way, the relationship should be effortless.

How to Choose the Right Woman and Create a Great Relationship

Tomassi advises men who pursue long-term relationships to choose their women wisely, based largely on passion. But what if the choice is down to two equally appealing contenders? Use these tips to make your selection:

• Assess each woman’s positive qualities. Go beyond looks to consider how loyal, compassionate, supportive, and trustworthy they are.

• Choose the woman whose interests and views match yours.

• Choose the woman who gives you space and doesn’t nag. If you feel like she’s too needy, she’s not worth it.

• Consider who treats you better. Make sure the woman you choose takes your feelings, interests, and needs into account.

• Trust your intuition. If you’re still not sure after weighing these factors based on logic, surrender to your feelings and go with the woman who makes you genuinely happy.

Once you’ve chosen your woman, how do you then define the terms of your relationship as Tomassi recommends? Not everyone agrees with Tomassi that men should take the helm when establishing the dynamic in a relationship. In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray says that men and women need to engage in open dialogue to understand and appreciate their inherent differences. Then, they should keep those differences in mind when deciding together how they want the relationship to play out. Through ongoing give-and-take, both men and women will derive more fulfillment from their relationships.

Truth #3: Women Can’t Love Men Unconditionally

Even in a long-term committed relationship, Tomassi asserts, a man can never stop performing and demonstrating his value as a provider. He explains that whereas men love women unconditionally, women are biologically programmed to love men only conditionally. Remember, a woman will remain loyal and loving only as long as she sees her partner as the best available option. If a man shows any sign of weakness, the woman will redirect her love and attention to someone who seems like a more suitable provider. Men need to know this, Tomassi says, so they set realistic expectations for any committed relationship they enter.

Different Views on Unconditional Love

Many people have discussed Tomassi’s assertion that women can’t love men unconditionally. For example, comedian Chris Rock has a popular skit where he affirms Tomassi’s assessment, saying, “Only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.”

Others dispute Tomassi’s view, pointing out that many women stay with men who provide very little to the relationship. Those women take care of the kids, do all of the housework, and earn all of the money while their men enjoy a life of relative ease. Also, given the importance men place on women’s physical attractiveness, some argue that it’s questionable to claim that men do love unconditionally whereas women do not. Research shows that 50% of men would leave their partner if she gained weight.

So, is unconditional love realistic in romantic relationships? Some say no, especially when unconditional love requires putting up with someone no matter what—including cheating, lying, or abuse. Instead, some experts recommend focusing on unconditional positive regard, which prioritizes mutual respect while both partners still maintain healthy boundaries and protect their own needs and well-being. To achieve unconditional positive regard in your relationship, follow these tips:

• Practice open communication and listen carefully to your partner’s feelings.

• Focus on the things that really matter, not pesky annoyances.

• Share decision-making responsibilities and be willing to compromise.

• Be clear about your views and interests so your partner knows where you stand.