PDF Summary:The Power of Regret, by Daniel Pink

Is there something in your life you wish you could undo? Everyone has regrets, but in The Power of Regret, Daniel Pink explains why that might actually be a good thing. According to Pink, you can grow from your regrets and use them to improve your life. In our guide to The Power of Regret, you'll learn about the process of forming regrets, the types of things people regret most, and how to analyze your regrets for life-changing lessons. You'll even learn which types of regret feel less intense with time—and which ones feel more.

Throughout the guide, our commentary will extend Pink's advice with actionables and insights from other authors. We'll also explore some of the psychological research underpinning his ideas.

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Regret Category #3: Bravery

People experience bravery regrets when they fail to take a risk that is important and meaningful to them. These are almost always regrets of things not done, as people look back on their lives and wish they’d taken a risk to do something they really wanted instead of playing it safe. They imagine how their lives would be different if they had followed their dream and see a loss of growth and potential.

People with bravery regrets may wish they had started a business, invested themselves more fully in passions like music or art, chosen a more ambitious career path, or made a big life decision like moving to a new country.

(Shortform note: Psychologists have found that bravery regrets often stem from a person's failure to live up to their "ideal self." The theory of the ideal self stems from the work of psychologist Carl Rogers, who maintained that each person has an ideal self (who they want to be) and a self-image (who they think we really are). Rogers argues that people suffer from low-esteem when there is a substantial difference between their ideal self and their self-image. Therefore, if you find yourself experiencing a lot of bravery regrets, the problem might be how you view yourself right now instead of what you did or didn’t do in the past.)

Regret Category #4: Relationships

People experience relationship regrets when they feel they've missed an opportunity for a meaningful connection with someone. They compare the life they have without an important person—a friend, family member, or romantic partner—and imagine the life they could have had with this relationship.

Relationship regrets can be either regrets of things done or regrets of things not done. Some people lose relationships because of an action they took, such as starting a fight or pushing someone away out of anger. Others may lose relationships simply because they failed to invest as much as they wanted to and drifted apart over the years.

Relationship regrets are the most common type of regret reported on Pink's survey. Psychologists have identified quality relationships as the most important predictor of someone’s mental and emotional well-being. Therefore, people feel a great sense of loss at missing out on important relationships, leading them to experience regret.

(Shortform note: Researchers have found that people often feel regrets about relationships more intensely than regrets about domains like career or education. Psychologists attribute this not just to a need for connection but also to a fundamental need for belonging. Because humans are social by nature, anything that threatens our belonging within a group also threatens our sense of safety. Therefore, lost relationships may threaten our sense of well-being more than other missed opportunities in life.)

Part 3: The Wrong Ways to Handle Regret

Now that we understand how regret works and the types of regret you'll most likely experience, we can turn to Pink's insights on the worst and best ways to handle regret. Handling regret the wrong way will prevent you from growing from your regrets and using them to improve your life. In this section, we'll cover his explanation of the three wrong approaches to regret: the philosophy of no regrets, avoiding, and wallowing.

Wrong Way #1: The Philosophy of “No Regrets”

Pink explains that many people hold the view that they should live life without any regrets. This philosophy appears in popular music, self-help books, commercials, and celebrity culture, just to name a few. Pink explains that this philosophy views regret simply as something to avoid because it is painful and because no one can change the past. Therefore, the reasoning goes, a life without regrets is well-lived.

However, Pink counters that this view is foolish and can even prevent people from living their best life. He makes two counterarguments which we will discuss in depth: 1) Regret is a universal part of life, and 2) it is highly beneficial to our lives.

(Shortform note: Those who espouse the philosophy of "no regrets'' may disagree with Pink's characterization. Some claim the philosophy is not about never growing from mistakes, but about doing what is most important in life while you have the chance so that you have fewer regrets at the end. However, Pink still makes the case that this philosophy encourages people to view regret negatively, overlooking its universal nature and benefits, which we will discuss next.)

1) Regret Is Universal

Pink argues that regret is a natural and universal part of human psychology. People are hardwired for regret because, as we will see in the next section, regret benefits their survival. Psychologists have identified only two groups incapable of experiencing regret: small children whose brains are still developing, and people who have suffered acute brain damage. This suggests regret is a normal part of any healthy adult's brain. Furthermore, research demonstrates that regret is one of the most commonly experienced negative emotions.

(Shortform note: Research in neuroscience supports the notion that humans are "hardwired" for regret. Specifically, neuroscientists have found that regret and remorse are consistently processed in the medial orbitofrontal cortex, a region of the brain in our foreheads just above the eyes. This supports the idea that the "hardware" for regret is simply part of our biology, and therefore regret is universal as Pink claims.)

2) Regret Improves Decision-Making

Pink cites studies that have found that regret helps people make better decisions. When people are encouraged to look negatively at a past decision and then given a second chance at making it, they’ll take much more time and consider a wider range of options before making a decision. In other words, regret inspires people to make decisions more carefully.

(Shortform note: While a little regret can lead you to be more careful and considerate in your choices, psychologists have found that an overwhelming amount of regret can lead to decision paralysis. Some people take feelings of regret to extreme conclusions about themselves, such as believing that they "always make the wrong decisions" and should therefore avoid deciding altogether. As we'll discuss later in this guide, getting the full benefits of regret requires processing them in a healthy and productive way.)

3) Regret Improves Motivation

Pink explains that regret also has the power to improve people’s motivation and persistence. Studies have found that people encouraged to look negatively on their performance of a task would then invest more time and effort in the task given a second chance. By experiencing regret, they felt inspired to persevere beyond their usual effort.

(Shortform note: To tap into the motivational power of regret, it's important to avoid letting your regret lead to rumination. Psychologists define rumination as repetitive or obsessive patterns of thought dwelling on perceived failings and mistakes. Self-critical rumination is associated with increased risks of depression, which is known to severely undermine a person's motivation. Therefore, as you regret past actions, be mindful of repetitive or compulsive patterns of negative thinking.)

4) Regret Leads to Fulfillment

Lastly, Pink explains that regret has the power to help people live more meaningful and fulfilling lives. When people understand the things they regret in life, it can clarify the things they want most.

Recall the four main categories of regret: stability, ethics, personal risk-taking, and relationships. Pink explains that these regrets provide an inverse reflection of the life we want. We want to build a strong foundation of personal stability, live according to our morals, take bold risks when pursuing our dreams, and form strong personal connections with others. By reflecting on your regrets, you’ll discover the true goals that will lead you to a more fulfilling life.

(Shortform note: In learning from your regrets, it's important to note that any decision will lead to positives and negatives and therefore provide the potential for regret. For example, someone who gets married may regret feeling tied down, while someone who stays single may regret their lack of connection. Therefore, consider the things you might regret if you had chosen otherwise. Do they outweigh the regrets you feel now or are they about equal?)

Wrong Way #2: Avoiding

A lot of people will respond to their regret by simply trying to avoid feeling it. Pink argues that this is what most people who hold a "no regrets" philosophy in life are actually doing. This approach may be tempting because it gives someone an excuse to not feel something painful.

However, this approach has two significant drawbacks. First, you can't avoid the feeling of regret forever. By avoiding your emotions, you’re simply storing the feelings of regret away to cause you pain later in life. Secondly, by avoiding regret, you’ll miss out on the important chance to learn and grow from it.

(Shortform note: A deeper understanding of avoidance can help you overcome this approach. Psychologists argue that avoidance can be destructive because in addition to putting off the experience of negative emotions, it also leads to increased rates of anxiety and depression. People often adopt avoidant coping mechanisms either because they have a low tolerance for uncomfortable emotions or because they haven't learned more productive coping mechanisms. Psychologists recommend that you practice allowing yourself to experience uncomfortable emotions or work on learning healthier coping mechanisms, such as those we'll explore later in this guide.)

Wrong Way #3: Wallowing

Many people also respond to their regrets by simply wallowing in them. Pink concedes that this response allows people to feel their regrets very deeply but also argues that it offers no solutions for growing from them and moving past them. He explains that wallowing comes from a philosophy that elevates emotion as the highest personal truth. According to this perspective, feeling emotions at their highest intensity has intrinsic value regardless of whether it helps someone grow.

However, Pink disagrees with this philosophy. He explains that wallowing in your emotions doesn't provide any benefit because you neither resolve your emotions nor learn from them—they simply continue to cause you pain.

(Shortform note: Psychologists explain that we are prone to obsessing about negative experiences because we are sensitive to contradictions or things we don't understand. For example, if you see yourself as a good person, you might feel confused by the apparent contradiction of acting against your ethics. In the short term, allowing yourself to feel painful emotions like sadness and regret can benefit your personal growth. However, it becomes a problem when you fall into a pattern of repetitive rumination. Research has demonstrated that instead of helping you move on, this will simply deepen the painful emotions over time.)

Part 4: How to Turn Regret to Your Advantage

As we’ve seen, Pink argues that regret has the power to benefit our lives, but only if we know how to use it. In this section, we'll cover Pink's strategies for processing and growing from regret, and how to improve decision-making by anticipating future regrets.

Processing and Growing from Regret

Pink identifies processing as the best approach for dealing with regret. Broadly speaking, processing includes thinking and reflecting on your past decisions, analyzing the source of your regret, and making new decisions to guide your future actions. Pink considers this a proactive approach that leads directly to action. Once you process and understand your regrets, they can lead you toward a better life.

Pink identifies five steps to help you process and grow from your regret: reveal the regret; forgive yourself; find something positive; find a lesson; commit to action.

Step #1: Reveal the Regret

Pink explains that before you can begin processing regret, you’ll need to reveal it, either to yourself or others. People often carry regret around as a personal secret, which can make it much more difficult to process.

Pink cites research that demonstrates the benefits of talking about your regrets. He states that people find talking about themselves intrinsically rewarding. He also explains that talking through negative experiences helps people organize their thoughts and integrate their experiences into a larger positive narrative of their lives. Telling someone else about regrets can also relieve feelings of shame or guilt.

You can reveal your regret by talking about it with a close friend, family member, or therapist. If that sounds too intimidating, you can even start by simply writing about your regrets in a journal.

(Shortform note: Psychologists shed light on why secrecy makes it so much harder to process regret. People tend to ruminate on their secrets, an unhealthy process similar to the "wallowing" approach Pink identifies earlier. Secrets are also felt as a physical burden—those who carry them feel as though their physical energy is drained away. Lastly, secrets prevent people from forming strong connections with others. Those who carry secrets in relationships feel less authentic in their relationships and therefore less connected.)

Step #2: Forgive Yourself

Pink advises that as you reveal and process your regrets, it's essential to treat yourself with forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is simply being kind to yourself—viewing your mistakes with empathy and understanding rather than judgment—as you look at moments of your life that you're not very proud of. Self-forgiveness has the power to normalize negative experiences so that they feel less overwhelming and painful. People often blow unforgiven transgressions out of proportion because they feel overwhelming. By treating yourself with empathy, your mistakes will appear normal and manageable.

Pink stresses that self-forgiveness differs from self-esteem. Self-esteem, he reasons, simply means having a positive opinion of yourself. Pink argues that many people maintain positive self-esteem by focusing on the best parts of themselves while trivializing or ignoring the negative parts of themselves. This can result in avoidance rather than processing. Self-forgiveness, instead, requires you to focus on the traits and habits that you don't view highly. You just need to go about it in a kind and empathetic way.

(Shortform note: Many people might find self-forgiveness counterintuitive or feel that it doesn't come naturally. Psychologists argue that treating yourself with compassion and empathy is a skill you must develop through practice. This practice begins with self-observation. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings as you go about your day. Then work on responding to your inner self the way you would respond to a close friend.)

Step #3: Find Something Positive

Pink recommends that regret can be easier to process if you can find something positive that happened as a result of your past decision, or at least a way that things could have gone worse. Recall that the process of regret requires comparing your current life with an imaginary narrative of how things could have gone. Finding something positive requires you to imagine ways your life could have gone worse without this decision.

For example, a relationship might not have been right for you, but you grew a lot and came to a better understanding of your needs because of it. Or a job might not have given you the skills to advance in your career, but you made some great new friends with your coworkers. Had you not had this relationship or this job, you would have missed out on positive things as well as negative ones.

How to Find the Positive

If you're someone who struggles to see the positive in situations, psychologists recommend these three tips.

• Acknowledge your ability to be positive. This seems simple, but if negativity is your default, it can be easy to forget that you even have a choice.

• Practice awareness of your negativity and positivity. Try stopping yourself throughout the day and asking whether your outlook is negative or positive. This self-observation will give you more control over your responses.

• Practice gratitude. Make a habit of acknowledging and appreciating what's going right in your life.

Step #4: Find the Lesson

To grow from your regret, Pink explains that you need to find the lesson. Recall that regret has the power to teach us our priorities in life. However, this lesson usually isn't immediately obvious. You need to analyze your regret and think through what it has to teach you. Ask yourself what you would do differently if granted a chance to make a decision like this again. Then you can ask yourself what you want to do now or what decisions you would like to make in the future.

Pink recommends that you try to view the situation from an outside perspective. Imagine that a friend came to you with this regret. What advice would you give someone else in your position? How would you guide someone else through your exact situation? This often yields the best approach for you to take.

(Shortform note: Motivational experts extend Pink's advice for learning from your mistakes. First, they emphasize the importance of first reframing your mistake as an opportunity to learn. This will motivate you to find the lesson and do better next time. Second, they recommend four questions to help you analyze the situation thoroughly: 1) "What was I trying to do?" 2) “What went wrong?” 3) “When did it go wrong?” and 4) “Why did it go wrong?”)

Step #5: Commit to Action

Pink explains that the last part of growing from your regret is committing to action. To get the most out of your regret, you must use it to proactively improve your life. Pink explains that there are two approaches to acting in response to regret: 1) trying to reverse the regret and 2) consciously re-shaping your decisions in the future.

Reversing the regret is the process of trying to remedy the detrimental effects of a past decision. This could include apologizing to someone you've wronged and making amends. Furthermore, if there's something you wish you had started doing earlier in life, like exercising or learning a musical instrument, you can simply start doing those things now.

But some things can't be reversed. Sometimes the window of opportunity has closed and you really can't change a situation. For example, you can't apologize to someone once they've passed away. However, you can still learn from your regret and use those lessons to guide future actions. For example, if you regret how you treated someone who has passed, consider your current relationships. Where are the opportunities to deepen your relationships and treat people ethically? Are there people in a similar situation whose lives you could improve? Regret can still play an important role in helping you find a new path in life.

Tips for Committing to Action

Committing to an action will only complete your process of growing from regret if you follow through with your decision. Motivational experts recommend three tips for keeping yourself accountable and following through with a decision.

• Find an accountability partner. Inform someone of your intentions and ask them to follow up with you to make sure you've completed your goal. For example, if you want to undo a regret by reaching out to an old friend, tell your intentions to another friend or family member.

• Make your intentions public. Letting your broader social circle know about your plans will add peer pressure to encourage you to follow through. If you plan on setting new goals or developing new habits, consider posting about it on social media or sharing it with your social circle.

• Change your environment. If you're trying something new, a change of scenery can reinforce your intention and help you follow through. If you regret never taking on a personal project like writing a novel, try finding a new work space like a cafe or library to focus on this goal.

Forecasting Regret to Make Better Decisions

Lastly, Pink recommends that you can use your regret to help you make better decisions by forecasting future regrets. When you are facing a difficult decision in life, try to imagine your life years down the road and ask yourself: “Which choice would I regret more?” This can clarify what is most important in your life and help you make better decisions.

However, this advice comes with a catch. People often incorrectly forecast how much they will regret a choice. They tend to overestimate how much they will regret small things in life, like overpaying for an appliance. Many poor decisions are quickly forgotten because life simply goes on.

Therefore, Pink recommends that you use this tactic only for life decisions involving the four main categories of regret. Recall that these are: stability, ethics, personal risk-taking, and relationships. If you are facing a decision that will directly impact these areas of your life, Pink recommends you try to forecast which will cause the greatest regret. Otherwise, there’s no need. You're unlikely to regret a wrong decision on the smaller things in life.

(Shortform note: In Stumbling on Happiness, Daniel Gilbert cautions that making decisions out of forecasted regret often leads people to play it safe and make lower-risk decisions. They reason that the large costs of a personal risk will lead to regret, and so they make low-risk decisions to avoid it. However, recall that bravery is one of Pink's categories of regret. People are actually more likely to regret playing it safe than taking personal risks even though they often anticipate the opposite to be true. So if we aren't careful in applying Pink’s categories, the practice of forecasting regret could lead us to make decisions that we will actually wind up regretting more.)