PDF Summary:The Master Guides: Small Talk With Ease, by Shortform

Do you feel uneasy about attending social events or lack confidence when talking to people outside your social circle?

In this Master Guide, we’ll explore how to confidently approach and engage in conversations with new people. Our guide compiles suggestions and techniques from a range of authors and experts—including communication and body language experts, a charisma coach, an award-winning public speaker, an emotional intelligence expert, and a self-proclaimed “recovering awkward person.” These suggestions and techniques cover:

• Insights into what makes people want to converse with you
• Techniques to appear more approachable—without saying a word
• Strategies for approaching others and initiating conversations with ease
• Ideas for maintaining smooth-flowing conversations and concluding them on a positive note

You'll come away with an increased sense of comfort and confidence about attending social events and meeting new people.

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Avoid Closed Body Language Cues

According to Allan and Barbara Pease, people who don’t want to be approached tend to hold a stiff or guarded posture (for example slouching with their arms folded), avoid eye contact, and frown.

Lowndes explains that people interpret poor posture as an unwelcoming signal. Trying to minimize your physical presence by slumping implies that you’re insecure or ashamed and don’t want to be approached. Further, she says that people interpret fidgeting and guarded movements as insincerity because they make you look suspicious and defensive:

• Fidgety movements, such as shuffling your feet or touching your face, come across as signs of discomfort, tension, or distraction.
• Guarded movements, such as folding your arms or clutching something in front of your body, also convey discomfort. Additionally, they give the impression that you’re placing barriers between yourself and other people.

Part 3: Make Your Approach and Start a Conversation

After making a good first impression upon your arrival, the next thing you need to do is approach someone to talk to. Approaching others can be intimidating—most people prefer to keep to themselves or talk to people they already know rather than risk rejection or awkwardness.

However, Fine suggests that you should actively approach strangers and accept that if you want to have conversations, it’s your job to start them. She explains that the second most common fear in America is of starting conversations, particularly with strangers. Because this fear is so common, you’re unlikely to face rejection if you initiate conversation—in fact, your conversational partner is likely to be relieved that you made the effort.

If you’re afraid to talk to someone because you fear you’ll have nothing in common, Fine suggests you keep in mind that humans are more alike than they are different. If you give other people a chance, you’ll find you can connect with almost anyone.

Let’s explore a three-step process for approaching and initiating conversation with others.

Step #1: Choose Someone to Approach

Fine suggests that you first scan the room and find someone who’s on their own, who’s not engaged in a conversation or an activity, and who makes eye contact with you. When you make eye contact, smile at the person. Fine explains that this shows the other party you’re interested in them and immediately establishes a rapport. Their natural response will likely be to smile back; right off the bat, the two of you share a positive feeling.

Additionally, Lowndes suggests that you read body language cues to differentiate between those who want to be approached and those who don’t. Recall: A relaxed and open stance implies that you’re welcome to approach them. If they’re slumped, guarded, or fidgety, you probably won’t get the warm response that you want.

Time Your Approach

Van Edwards recommends that you interact with people in the places and at the times when they’re most likely to be receptive to conversation. In general, this means approaching people once they’re settled in. She says the best locations and times to engage with people are:

• Near the bar, once people have gotten their drinks and are looking to socialize
• With the host, who can introduce you to other people
• Where people are sitting and eating and are open to company and conversation

On the other hand, you’ll find it difficult to approach others when they’re in transition—for example, when they’re arriving at or leaving an event, getting drinks at the bar, or using the bathroom.

Step #2: Introduce Yourself

Once you’ve chosen who you want to approach, you’ll then need to confidently introduce yourself to them. Let’s explore three different methods that will help you express your interest in others and set the stage for engaging conversations.

Method 1: Say, “Hi. My Name Is…”

Fine suggests that, once you’ve chosen who to approach and have established rapport through a smile, you should walk up to them, make eye contact, smile again, and shake their hand. Say, “Hi. My name is…” Then, stay focused as they return the introduction. Remember their name and use it immediately: For instance, say “Nice to meet you, Albert!” If you miss a person’s name, Fine recommends asking them to repeat it. Everyone has the right to be called by their name, she notes, and those with difficult names will appreciate it (and feel important).

Dale Carnegie expands on Fine’s suggestion by explaining that everyone is thrilled when someone learns and uses their name. Carnegie argues that a person’s name is the most important word in any language to them—saying it is a subtle and welcome compliment. In contrast, forgetting a name or getting it wrong suggests you didn’t care enough to get it right. Use a person’s name often, he says, and respect it.

Method 2: Ask for Introductions

According to Lowndes, another effective way to approach new people is to ask mutual acquaintances to make introductions for you. Before they introduce you, ensure that they’ll pad out these introductions with a few details, such as the new person’s hobbies or interests, so that you have the opportunity to show your interest and start a discussion.

Alternatively, if your acquaintances are too busy to introduce you, ask them for information so that you can find a shared interest to use as an icebreaker. With this information, you can easily approach someone new using a variation of the following line: “Hey, I was just talking to … and she told me that you …”

Method 3: Use and Take Notice of Visual Gimmicks

Alternatively, Lowndes suggests that you can forgo standard introductions and, instead, draw attention to yourself by wearing or carrying something unusual, such as a unique brooch or a colorful shirt. This gives people an excuse to approach you and gives you something to talk about. Likewise, pay attention to what those around you are wearing or carrying so that you have an excuse to approach them. Using a complimentary phrase such as, “Wow, I love your shoes! Where are they from?” not only helps you to start a conversation, but it also shows others that you’re interested in them and what they have to say.

Step #3: Start a Conversation

The three methods we’ve just covered will help you feel more comfortable about introducing yourself to others. Now let’s look at four different methods for transitioning from this initial encounter into engaging conversations.

Method 1: Break the Ice

According to Fine, it doesn’t matter much what you say as an opener; in theory, you could say anything. What matters is that you initiate the conversation and show genuine interest in the other person’s answer. Her recommendation, if you’re having trouble, is to open with a statement that uses the context of the situation, event, or venue, and then ask them a related question.

Psychiatrist and professor Mark Goulston (Just Listen) reiterates the importance of expressing interest in others when starting conversations: To gain someone’s attention and curiosity, focus on learning about them instead of talking about yourself. Goulston explains that if you try to sound interesting, you risk coming off as annoying or self-obsessed. Instead, by displaying sincere interest in the person you’re talking to, you’ll likely inspire them to reciprocate interest in you.

Method 2: Initiate Thought-Provoking Conversations

Van Edwards asserts that to make others like and remember you, you have to break out of the boring small talk mold and ignite interesting conversations that push people to think of new and different things. She explains that we’re most compelling to others when we’re unscripted because novelty triggers activity in the part of the brain responsible for memory and learning and is linked to dopamine pathways that arouse pleasure and fuel interest.

To start novel conversations, you can ask questions that 1) people don’t expect, to shake them out of their rut, and 2) engage people by prompting them to talk about subjects they love and are excited to talk about. For example, “What’s the most exciting thing that happened to you today?” or “What’s the one thing you’re most looking forward to doing this year?”

Part 4: Keep the Conversation Flowing

The methods we’ve just covered will help you feel more confident about approaching others and initiating conversations. Now let’s explore different techniques for keeping the conversation flowing in a way that allows your conversation partner to shine.

Technique #1: Focus on Their Positive Traits

In 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication, poet and relationship skills trainer Bento C. Leal III suggests that the key to good conversations is figuring out what makes others unique and worthy. To do this, consider the positives of each person you encounter and your relationship with them—what are their skills, talents, positive traits, and so on? What can you learn from them?

Lowndes adds to this by explaining that, the more you focus on others’ good qualities, the more they’ll appreciate you for seeing the best in them. She suggests that you focus your attention only on the good things about them. Don’t put them down or make jokes at their expense. Likewise, don’t draw attention to their faults—for example, if they fumble in some way or say something inappropriate. Instead, do your best to make them feel comfortable and accepted for who they are.

One way to put this into practice is to give genuine compliments. Think about what you’re learning about them and what they seem to care about, and use complimentary statements to uplift them. This will make them feel appreciated and will encourage them to continue talking. For example, if they’ve been discussing parenthood, say something like, “Well, it sounds like your children are lucky to have you.”

Technique #2: Ask Open-Ended Questions

According to Fine, a conversation flows best when you create opportunities for your partner to share details you can explore more deeply. Therefore, ask your conversational partner open-ended questions that demand more than a one-word answer. Show interest and encourage them to talk about themselves: The more your partner gives you, Fine says, the more you’ll have to work with later.

Journalist Kate Murphy (You’re Not Listening) expands on this by explaining that open-ended questions allow the speaker to direct the conversation—in contrast to closed questions that steer the conversation in a particular direction. By asking open-ended questions, you can encourage the other person to speak freely about whatever they want.

For example, if someone tells you about getting lost while traveling abroad, you could ask an open-ended question like, "How did you react?" instead of a closed question like, “Did you have a map?” The first question allows the speaker to choose the direction of the conversation, while the second one narrows the conversation to a detail chosen by the listener.

Technique #3: Highlight Shared Connections

According to Van Edwards, finding your similarities with others makes you more appealing to them because we like and get along more easily with people who agree and share common interests with us. You can take the following steps to identify and illuminate your similarities with others:

1. Find out if you share friends or interests, or are engaged in any of the same online or in-person groups, like a book club or gym class.
2. Ask why the friend, interest, or group you have in common matters to the other person. She suggests asking “why?” repeatedly as a way to probe deeper and enrich your understanding of the conversation.
3. Offer to help or be a resource for the other person if 1) you feel you’ve developed a genuine connection with them and 2) you have something useful you can provide them.

Technique #4: Listen Attentively

In The Charisma Myth, charisma coach and keynote speaker Olivia Fox Cabane explains that being a good listener is important because humans tend to associate the people, places, and things around them with their emotional state, even if the connection isn’t logical. This means that how your partner feels when talking to you is far more important than what you talk about. If you make them feel good by being genuinely interested in them, they’ll perceive you as a fascinating conversationalist—even if you do nothing but listen.

World-renowned emotional intelligence expert Travis Bradberry (Emotional Intelligence 2.0) adds that listening isn’t just about hearing words, but also understanding the accompanying signals. He says tone, volume, and pacing all signal subtext and emotion (for instance, if someone speaks quickly and quietly, they may be intimidated). Stay focused on the conversation at hand. Half-focused listening prevents you from picking up important information and makes the other person feel disrespected.

Cabane offers three tips on becoming a good listener. The first is to practice mindfulness, which will help you concentrate on your partner’s words. Second, don’t interrupt. No one likes to be cut off mid-sentence. Finally, instead of talking as soon as your partner stops speaking, allow for a pause to absorb what they’ve just said. They’ll feel like you’re trying hard to understand their words.

Murphy expands on the value of pausing: By refraining from speaking immediately after the other person stops, you give the other person time to get their whole thought across—which is important because people often don’t say exactly what they mean on their first try. Additionally, encountering a pause often prompts a speaker to elaborate on their point, sharing details they may not have shared otherwise.

Part 5: End on a Positive Note

At the end of your conversation, exit in a way that leaves others with a positive lasting impression of you and how you made them feel.

Fine suggests that, when it’s time to leave, you thank your conversational partner for their expertise, their time, or the joy of conversing with them. A genuine compliment or expression of gratitude leaves the other person feeling good about you and gives you an air of confidence and poise. She also suggests that if you want to see the person again, issue an invitation and don’t take it personally if you’re turned down.

In Never Eat Alone, entrepreneur Keith Ferrazzi adds more practical advice for maintaining a connection with your conversational partner: Follow up between 12 and 24 hours later. When you do, thank the person for their time, remind them of a part of your conversation—a joke they made, or a topic you agreed on—and suggest you meet again. You don’t have to set a time or invite them to anything specific right away—just express that you want to meet again, and let them know you’ll be in contact soon to discuss the details.

Shortform Resources

For more advice on conversing confidently, see the following Shortform guides:

• 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication, Bento C. Leal III
• Captivate, Vanessa Van Edwards
• The Charisma Myth, Olivia Fox Cabane
• The Definitive Book of Body Language, Allan and Barbara Pease
• Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Travis Bradberry
• The Fine Art of Small Talk, Debra Fine
• How Highly Effective People Speak, Peter D. Andrei
• How to Talk to Anyone, Leil Lowndes
• How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie
• Just Listen, Mark Goulston
• Never Eat Alone, Keith Ferrazzi
• You’re Not Listening, Kate Murphy