PDF Summary:The Love Prescription, by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman

Is there a research-backed way to make love last? In The Love Prescription, relationship researchers Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman argue that long-lasting love is sustained by small, daily acts. They explain that regularly practicing behaviors such as expressing gratitude for your partner and being honest about your needs make all the difference for long-term love.

In this guide, we’ll explain why small acts sustain healthy relationships and discuss how to implement the most crucial habits in your romantic life. You’ll learn how to express gratitude for your partner’s admirable actions, ask deep questions to stay connected with them, and make time for date night no matter what. We’ll also compare the Gottmans’ approach to the ideas of other relationship and communication experts, including Mark Goulston (Just Listen) and Gary Chapman (The 5 Love Languages).

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If you’ve faced rejection that prevents you from freely expressing your needs, the authors of Difficult Conversations emphasize that it’s important to remember you’re worthy of expressing your thoughts and feelings—even if they lead to a difficult conversation. What should you do if you feel insecure about speaking honestly about an uncomfortable topic with your partner—like telling them you feel you’ve been handling an unfair amount of house chores? The authors of Difficult Conversations recommend you explore why you feel that way: Ask yourself who made you feel unworthy or incapable of bringing your concerns forward, and what it would take to feel OK about expressing yourself fully.)

The Consequences of Not Communicating Our Needs

Until we recognize that we must communicate our needs clearly, we may rationalize why our needs are unmet by criticizing our partners, which will lead to resentment. In our minds, our failure to communicate becomes their problem, not ours.

If we justify our resentfulness by viewing our partner negatively, our perspective of them becomes skewed. We may begin to criticize their character, rather than their actions (or our own). If we’ve been stockpiling resentment for a while, it’s tempting to ambush our partner by pointing out their shortcomings. Doing this can make our partner defensive and trigger an unproductive argument. The Gottmans explain that criticisms of our partner’s habits or character can’t be constructive if they’re delivered with long-stockpiled feelings of frustration.

Take Responsibility for Your Emotions

In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall B. Rosenberg emphasizes that we have control over our emotions by choosing the way we react to our circumstances, even when we feel tempted to blame external circumstances (like our partner) for our unpleasant feelings and unmet needs. This doesn’t mean our feelings aren’t warranted, but it’s important to recognize that our reactions and expectations cause our emotions.

So you’re not blaming your partner for your emotions, avoid these three accusatory ways of speaking:

• Using “it” and “that” to label the cause of your feelings (like “That makes me nervous” or “It annoys me when you do that”). Such language implies that something external is causing your feelings.

• Using a pronoun other than “I” after the phrase “I feel this emotion because.” For example, “I feel sad because he didn’t show up” or “I feel annoyed because she isn’t here yet.”

• Correctly labeling a feeling, but attributing it to someone or something else, like “When you forgot my birthday, I felt lonely.”

How to Ask for What You Need in a Positive Way

The Gottmans explain that you should frame your needs in a way that’s constructive rather than critical when you discuss them with your partner. The authors describe a three-step process for doing so:

1. Describe the way you feel without criticizing your partner. Avoid negative, absolute statements about their personality (such as “you never do this” or “you always do that.”)
2. Explain the circumstances that led you to feel in need of something. When doing this, don’t blame your partner. Instead, give them grace and speak in neutral, constructive terms.
3. Describe what you need going forward. Be specific and frame this positively as an opportunity for your partner to help you.

Here’s an example of what these steps might look like in action: To start a conversation with your partner, you might say, “Lately, I’ve been feeling sad because I haven’t had time to do any creative writing, which is really important to me (describing the way you feel). Work and home chores have demanded so much of us both lately (explaining the circumstances), but I’d really appreciate it if you could handle my home chores one night each week to give me some time to write (describing what you need going forward).

Using Nonviolent Communication to Express Your Needs

The Gottmans’ steps for framing your needs positively align closely with Marshall B. Rosenberg’s four steps for nonviolent communication:

• Objectively explain the circumstances that led to the emotion/need you’re trying to communicate without placing judgements on anyone.

• Identify and express your feelings.

• Connect your feelings to your needs.

• Make specific requests.

Rosenberg and the Gottmans share the same first two steps in their communication processes, but they list them in the opposite order. Rosenberg’s steps begin with observing the circumstances that led to your need, whereas the Gottmans suggest starting your conversation by describing the way you’re feeling. In both approaches, the authors emphasize the importance of remaining objective in your language to remain constructive and avoid blame/argumentation.

Both authors include advice about expressing your needs, but Rosenberg includes an additional nuance to his final step: requesting the person you’re speaking with to reflect back what you expressed to them in their own words. He explains that this step can save time and struggle down the road by catching any misunderstandings immediately. As you respond to their reflection, make sure you express gratitude for their willingness to understand you and own up to any misunderstandings).

Embrace Opportunities to Connect

The Gottmans emphasize that connection is key for relationships. The more often you share touches and make time for your partner, the happier and more sustainable your relationship will be. In this section, we’ll explore four forms of connection that the Gottmans say matter most.

Respond Positively When Your Partner Reaches Out

Opportunities for connection with your partner don’t have to be grand, but you should seize them often. The Gottmans explain that it’s important to respond positively when your partner makes an effort to connect with you. Efforts to connect can range from a sigh to a dinner invitation. They say there are three ways to respond to your partner’s efforts to share an experience:

• Positive response: When your partner reaches out, you welcome their effort and reach back. For example, if your partner comments on a party the two of you just left, you affirm their reaction and encourage a conversation.
• Neutral (indifferent) response: When your partner reaches out, you either don’t notice it or ignore it. For example, you ignore your partner’s comment about the party and scroll your phone instead.
• Negative Response: When your partner reaches out, you directly reject them. For example, if your partner brings up the party, you tell them to leave you alone.

When you embrace opportunities for connection, you’re investing in a supportive foundation that wards off resentment. The authors explain that when you offer your partner loving attention most of the time, it’ll prevent them from holding grudges against you for the rare times you slip and upset them.

Apply Active Listening to Connect More Positively

Active listening may help you shift your neutral and negative responses to your partner into positive responses. Active listening involves giving your conversation partner undivided attention, remaining calm and supportive, and displaying interest in what they’re saying. For instance, if your partner shares their frustration about housework, you would stop what you’re doing to be present for what they’re sharing, restrain any temptations to interrupt, and urge them to express themselves fully.

This strategy could make you more attentive to your partner’s efforts for connection, leaving you more likely to give positive responses over neutral ones. Active listening may also prevent negative responses by helping you empathize and become open to your partner’s outreaches. By making yourself more receptive to your partner’s outreaches through active listening, you could cultivate more positivity and avoid future resentment.

The Gottmans underscore that responding positively to your partner’s outreaches is the most significant thing you can do to cultivate a happy, successful relationship. The authors performed a study where they observed couples’ interactions for a weekend. They found that people who responded positively to 86% of their partners’ outreaches were still together after six years. By contrast, people in couples who’d broken up after six years only responded positively to 33% of their partner’s outreaches.

(Shortform note: One study found that responsiveness in relationships is determined by whether you have goals to be compassionate toward your partner. The study defined responsiveness as efforts to understand, support, and validate your partner, which aligns with the Gottmans’ concept of positive responses. The researchers also found that responsiveness led to higher-quality relationships, which further encouraged participants to be compassionate toward their partners. This positive cycle may help explain why the couples in the Gottmans’ study who responded positively to each other lasted longer than the couples who didn’t.)

How to Create Opportunities for Connection

To stay closely connected with your partner, the authors suggest dedicating 10 minutes to checking in with your partner every day. During this time, ask your partner if there’s anything you can do to support them today. This lets your partner know you care about helping them to reflect on their feelings and needs in a supportive environment. Take time to listen and do whatever it takes to fulfill their request. This builds trust, which will improve your relationship.

(Shortform note: In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman explains that it’s important to understand and accommodate your partner’s love language (the behaviors that make them feel most loved) to effectively convey love and support. There are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. To discover your partner’s love language, reflect on what they ask for from you and what they do to show you love. Next, you could communicate with your partner according to their love language during the 10-minute check-ins that the Gottmans suggest. For example, if your partner values words of affirmation, you might incorporate some praise or compliments into your check-in.)

Stay Curious About Each Other

As we settle into long-term relationships with our partners, the big questions we used to ask each other with curiosity turn into logistical and practical questions (for example, “Did you take the dog out?”). However, the Gottmans explain that maintaining curiosity is key to healthy relationships. Here’s why:

1. We’re constantly changing and growing. Your partner’s answers to questions that you asked at the start of your relationship could be different now. To connect with your partner and support them, stay in touch with who they are as they change.
2. You’ll understand your partner more deeply. This will help you empathize with them and understand their fears, beliefs, and aspirations behind their actions. This understanding and empathy will encourage cooperation and prevent resentment.
3. You’ll help keep your relationship exciting. Learning new things about your partner is an adventure. It keeps that “first date feeling” alive.

How to Ask Deep Questions

To maintain curiosity in your relationship, ask your partner deep questions. The Gottmans explain when you’re asking deep questions, it’s helpful to make them open-ended to allow your partner to reflect more and come up with a personal, meaningful response. For example, you could ask your partner to name a place they’ve traveled to that they’d like to revisit. Encourage them to elaborate and take time to listen. If you have a difficult time getting the conversation off the ground, pose a question and answer it to lead by example.

Listening Inspires Reciprocation

In Just Listen, Mark Goulston explains that asking others deep questions and listening well will inspire them to reciprocate. Goulston’s tips for cultivating curiosity can arguably help with implementing the Gottmans’ advice. First, approach conversations like an investigation as a way to keep your relationship exciting. Everyone has unique and interesting backgrounds to discover. Taking an investigative approach to conversations with your partner could help you uncover exciting, unexpected information like hidden talents or weird pets they once had.

Second, ask for advice. This helps others feel interesting, intelligent, and valued. Picking your partner’s brain for advice could be a great way to learn new ways your partner has grown in their personal and professional life.

Prioritize Physical Affection

The Gottmans explain that physical affection is vital to physical health and the health of your romantic relationship. Let’s explore a few reasons why.

First, physical affection releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that enhances feelings of intimacy and trust, bonding you and your partner. It also helps your body relax and heal by shifting you into a parasympathetic “rest and repair” mode. On the other hand, touch deprivation increases the stress hormone cortisol. When this hormone activates chronically, it increases your blood pressure, inhibits digestion, and weakens your immune system. For example, one study the authors cite found that expecting mothers who received 15 minutes of daily massage from their partners had a lower likelihood of postpartum depression (22%) compared to those who didn’t receive massages (66%).

(Shortform note: Other experts have found oxytocin to have other benefits for your mental and physical well-being. In The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal references a study where participants who watched their loved ones experience pain from electric zaps felt less afraid and more empathetic if they held their loved one’s hand during the test (releasing oxytocin). Beyond helping you cope with stress, oxytocin has also been shown to reduce physical pain. A similar study measured the effects of holding hands on the recipient of electric shocks, showing that this physical connection also reduced the feeling of pain caused by the test.)

Second, more touch can lead to increased libido for you and your partner, which can be fun for both of you. However, the Gottmans explain that touch is valuable in and of itself, so don’t feel pressured to progress toward sex every time. Enjoy nonsexual touch for all of the ways it improves trust and intimacy.

(Shortform note: One expert explains that progressing from cuddling to sex most of the time can lead to less nonsexual touch. This is because if the intimate touches you share with your partner typically lead to sex, your partner may deny intimate touches when they don’t feel like having sex to avoid misleading you. This could result in both of you missing out on the nonsexual touch you desire along with the ways it boosts trust and intimacy. In the following section, we discuss ways to improve communication around touch so that you and your partner don’t miss out on the forms of affection you desire.)

How to be More Physically Affectionate

The touches you share with your partner can be very beneficial—for your mind, your body, and your relationship. But the authors emphasize that it’s important to understand what your partner is comfortable with and share your own preferences with them so that you’re both receiving physical affection that’s comfortable and desirable.

Your culture and past experiences can influence what types of touch you and your partner find comfortable and desirable. The Gottmans cite a study suggesting that touch behaviors vary widely across cultures. If your partner has a history of abuse, touch can do more harm than good if it isn’t done considerately.

To help your partner feel safe and excited about touch, ask them what types of physical affection they’re open to receiving. Then, touch as much as possible within the boundaries you establish. The authors challenge you to a few touch goals each day:

1. Hug for 20 seconds. A 20-second hug has been shown to provide a significant dose of beneficial oxytocin to your bloodstream.
2. Have a 6-second kiss.
3. Hold hands as often as you can.

(Shortform note: The Gottmans suggest forms of touch to boost oxytocin and bonding, but are there touchless activities that boost oxytocin? According to experts, you can naturally boost oxytocin by eating food, exercising, or listening to music. Doing any of these activities with your partner will further boost your oxytocin levels. So, if you and your partner prefer not to touch much or you simply need a break from physical contact (say, on a hot night camping), you can opt for these alternative methods to keep the love alive.)

Make Conversations About Sex Easier

Because our cultures and past experiences shape our unique sex preferences and needs, it’s important to communicate effectively about sex. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman and Nan Silver also emphasize that healthy sex comes down to effective communication. Here are their tips to make conversations about sex easier:

• Be kind. Remember that the point is to improve your sex life, not to make your partner feel bad about whatever they’re doing.

• Establish rituals around asking for sex. Having a standardized way of asking will help you feel less vulnerable. For example, kissing your partner’s neck might indicate that you want sex; your partner might respond enthusiastically when interested but turn their head when uninterested.

• Be considerate when refusing or when you’re being refused. If you’re doing the refusing, express that you’re still attracted to your partner. If you’re being refused, receive your partner’s decision without negative comment.

Schedule a Date

Day-to-day life can consume so much of our time and attention, so it’s important to invest in time for your relationship. The Gottmans emphasize that you should make time for a date with your partner at least once per week, no matter what. Dates are opportunities to dedicate yourselves to the goals we’ve discussed throughout this book and have fun. Here are some guidelines the authors provide to make the most of your dates:

• Dates don’t have to be extravagant or expensive, as long as they involve time alone with your partner.
• Keep phones and other screens out of the picture. Focus on giving your partner your full attention, face-to-face.
• Ask thoughtful, open-ended questions.
• Make sure you’re both comfortable with and excited about the date idea.

Date Night Conversation Topics

The Gottmans wrote a book together called Eight Dates on this subject. In their book, they discuss eight topics for conversation to guide each weekly date night:

• Trust. The goal of this date is to understand your partner’s beliefs about trust and discuss how you can deepen trust in your relationship. To set the standard of presence and intimacy for the rest of your dates, you could put your phones away and dedicate this time to just your partner and yourself.

• Disagreements. For this date, learn how your partner manages disagreements so you can manage disagreements more effectively as a couple.

• Sex. Use this date to establish preferences and boundaries around sex. Discuss what you and your partner like and don’t like in sex, as well as how best to initiate sex.

• Finances. Take this opportunity to better understand your and your partner’s relationship to money and discuss how to build a healthy financial future together.

• Family. Discuss what family looks like for you and your partner. Ask each other what your ideal family would look like.

• Play. Find out what you like to do for fun, what your partner likes to do for fun, and how you can have fun together. Plan a date you’re both excited about.

• Change. Acknowledge how you and your partner have changed in your relationship and discuss shared traditions that will keep you connected as you continue to change.

• Aspirations. Share your greatest aspirations with your partner and learn about their aspirations so that you can better support each other as you pursue your dreams. This could be a good opportunity to incorporate deep, open-ended questions.