PDF Summary:The Like Switch, by Jack Schafer and Marvin Karlins

Do you struggle to make friends? Have you ever wanted to learn how to read people? If so, Jack Schafer and Marvin Karlins’s The Like Switch can help. Schafer spent 22 years as a Special Agent in counter-intelligence, counter-terrorism, and behavioral analysis at the FBI. In The Like Switch, Schafer—with the help of Karlins, a management and organizational behavior expert—applies his experience earning the trust of witnesses, suspects, and spies to the art of making friends and fostering powerful connections.

In this guide, we’ll explore how to use nonverbal signals to identify potential friends and show others that you’re open to friendship. We’ll also outline techniques for attracting new friends and for maintaining strong relationships. Finally, we’ll look at the unique dynamics and challenges of online connections. In our commentary, we’ll discuss the research behind the book’s psychological principles and some alternative points of view on relationship building.

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In addition to making other people happy by making them laugh, Rubin asserts that you can increase the happiness of others with your laughter. She states that you should always oblige when other people try to make you laugh: Making you laugh will make them feel good. Force laughter if you have to—the resulting positive feelings the other person experiences will reflect back to you and make you feel genuinely good in turn.

Having high self-esteem. When you’re confident in yourself, you’re more likely to find it easy to talk to others and share personal information. Sharing helps to build intimacy and rapport in relationships, so the more you’re able to do this, the more people will want to be your friend.

What to Do When You Struggle With Low Self-Esteem

It’s true that when you love and respect yourself, it’s much easier to build healthy relationships with others. However, many people struggle with their self-esteem. Here’s some advice to help you value and accept yourself.

First, when you make positive choices (such as exercising, eating healthy foods, or taking up a new hobby), don’t do so because you’re trying to make yourself appear “better” to others. Making changes because you think they’ll make you worthy of others’ love and acceptance won’t improve your self-esteem. Instead, make healthy choices from the perspective of loving and caring for yourself.

To combat low self-esteem, you also need to identify where it comes from. Maybe you were raised by highly critical parents or you experienced bullying in school. If you identify the source of your low self-esteem, you can learn to recognize that there’s nothing inherently wrong with you: Your circumstances merely conditioned you to believe that there is.

Finally, note that people with low self-esteem often attract people who reinforce their negative perception of themselves. Therefore, to avoid your self-esteem getting lower, regularly evaluate your current relationships for unhealthy patterns.

Common Points of Connection

According to the authors, one of the easiest ways to start a new relationship is by finding common ground. When looking for friends, we’re not likely to seek out people who are substantially different from us—for example, people with opposing political views—because they introduce perspectives that conflict with our own. This leads to anxiousness, as it forces us to question what we believe to be true. To avoid these feelings, most of us seek out people who reinforce the beliefs and understandings we already hold. Common ground may take the form of common interests, common values, or common experiences.

Finding common interests with someone, like a shared interest in video games or reading, boosts your self-esteem. When someone likes the same things you do, you feel validated. The same goes for shared values. For example, you may forge a connection with someone based on your shared moral belief in veganism. This kind of connection reinforces your current worldview and thus your sense of comfort.

(Shortform note: Are you a superfan of anything? If so, then finding gatherings with other members of the fandom can be a great step toward finding people with the same interests and values as you. People from across the world gather at fan events, at conventions, and online to celebrate and commiserate over their favorite TV shows, sports teams, bands, books, games, and comics. Fandoms provide opportunities for people with common interests who might never otherwise meet to find acceptance and community with each other. Many fan communities also have huge collective power due to their shared values. For example, in 2020, fans of the K-Pop group BTS raised one million dollars in 24 hours for the Black Lives Matter movement through their social media-based efforts.)

Finally, you may find common ground through a shared experience, past or present. You and the other person will have a set of shared memories, associations, and understandings because the same environment or events shaped you. For example, maybe you grew up in the same town or you work at the same company. Sometimes, we even bond over shared painful experiences because we feel close to people who went through the same thing we did.

(Shortform note: Psychological research supports Schafer and Karlins’s assertion that painful experiences can provide common ground for friendships. Experiments involving undergraduate students revealed that performing painful tasks in a group setting increases cooperation and solidarity among group members. Groups that were given a task involving minor pain, like dunking their hand in cold water, reported a greater sense of loyalty toward their groupmates than groups that were given a neutral, non-painful task. This may explain why physically demanding experiences like boot camps and team sports help people to forge strong bonds.)

Common Ground vs. Self-Differentiation

In today’s world of increased polarization in politics and the media, it can feel impossible to maintain relationships with people who have opposing beliefs to yours. As Schafer and Karlins point out, most of us look for friends who affirm our belief systems, but this limits our opportunities for growth, compromise, and productive discussions with people who challenge us.

Luckily, there are ways you can combat this tendency in your relationships and become more comfortable around people who hold beliefs that are different from yours. One way is to understand and practice the psychological concept of differentiation of self. Self-differentiated individuals maintain a clear sense of their identity, thoughts, and emotions while in relationships with other people. They feel secure in their thoughts and emotions about a topic without feeling the need to control other people’s opinions on it. When you have a clear sense of your values and opinions separate from other people’s beliefs, you can feel comfortable disagreeing with people you care about because their beliefs don’t threaten yours.

How to Keep Friends by Making Others Feel Good About Themselves

In the last section, you learned tools for starting new friendships. In this section, we’ll teach you Schafer and Karlins’s methods for maintaining strong relationships by keeping new and old friends feeling valued and happy.

The Fundamental Rule of Maintaining Friendships

Most of the authors’ advice for maintaining positive relationships can be broken down into one simple rule: People like people who increase their sense of self-worth. If you do things for a person that contribute to their positive sense of self, they’ll associate good feelings with your presence, and they’ll want to be around you more.

(Shortform note: It may be true that people will like being around you if you make them feel good about themselves. However, the authors’ suggestion that you should keep your sole focus on making the other person happy could lead to a one-sided friendship if taken to the extreme. If your friend turns every conversation back to themselves or only wants to spend time with you when they need something, your relationship is probably one-sided. You should spend time and effort toward making your friends feel loved and happy, but it’s equally important to seek out people who reciprocate the support, attention, and care you offer them.)

There are many ways to make people feel good about themselves, and the authors outline several tried and tested methods.

Communicate Empathically

Empathic responding is a type of communication that requires you to first notice how someone feels; then, speak to them in a way that shows you recognize the deeper emotional meaning behind their words and behaviors. The authors assert that responding to a friend empathically puts them at the center of the conversation, helping them feel understood and cared for.

Let’s look at an example. Say you have dinner plans with a friend. When she arrives at the restaurant, she’s clearly stressed about something. After you greet each other, you could respond empathically to her behavior by saying, “Looks like you had a long day.” This demonstrates that you recognize her stress signals and that you want to know more.

She tells you that she got in trouble with her boss today for missing a project deadline, but it wasn’t her fault. Your empathic response could be, “You’re frustrated because you got blamed for something that you couldn’t control.” With this response, you’re paraphrasing the basics of her situation, and you’re assigning a feeling to it (frustration) based on her reaction to the situation she presented. As this example demonstrates, empathic responding keeps the conversation going while validating and centering your friend’s experiences and emotions.

(Shortform note: Many other authors discuss the importance of empathetic communication in forming positive relationships. In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall B. Rosenberg offers an alternative way to empathically respond to others that uses questions to paraphrase the other person’s words instead of statements. For instance, in our example above, you could ask your friend, “Are you feeling frustrated because you got blamed for something you couldn’t control?” This still reflects her feelings, but it doesn’t presume you understood perfectly. According to Rosenberg, it’s important to check in frequently with the other person and not just assume your interpretations of their feelings are correct. The question format allows for this.)

Compliment Effectively

The authors note that compliments can be a great tool in any friendship. They make people feel good about themselves by pointing out qualities you value in them and celebrating their achievements. However, compliments can often come off as insincere, especially when you don’t know a person very well. When used ineffectively, compliments may be mistaken for flattery, which suggests you want something in return for your kind words.

Schafer and Karlins offer a couple of workarounds that allow you to compliment people without them assuming you have an ulterior motive. First, you can send a compliment through a middle person. This involves complimenting your friend to someone you both know (someone who will tell your friend what you said). Your friend will still hear the nice thing you said about them, but it won’t seem artificial because it isn’t coming directly from you.

Second, you can make someone feel good by helping them to compliment themselves. Instead of paying a friend a direct compliment, make more generalized statements that highlight positive characteristics your friend can then realize they have.

For example, if a friend wears an outfit you like, a direct compliment might be, “That’s a really nice outfit. You have good fashion sense.” To instead help your friend compliment herself, you could say, “It takes an artistic eye to put such a fashionable outfit together.” In the second option, you’re setting your friend up to think, “Yes, I do have an artistic eye for fashion.” She compliments herself by applying the characteristics you identified—an artistic sensibility related to fashion sense—to her situation.

According to Schafer and Karlin, people readily take chances to self-compliment. Additionally, when the compliment is technically coming from themselves, people won’t assume insincerity.

How to Avoid Pitfalls When Indirect Compliments Aren’t Enough

Schafer and Karlins’s methods for complimenting friends indirectly may help you compliment people without appearing insincere. However, indirect compliments may not always work. For instance, if you ask a third person to pass on your compliment, there’s no way to guarantee they’ll appear sincere or accurately communicate what you said.

Likewise, making generalized positive statements won’t necessarily prompt a person to compliment themselves. If the person you’re trying to compliment has low self-esteem, they might disagree with you or fail to make the connection between themselves and the generalized positive traits you point out.

If you want to try direct compliments instead of the authors’ recommended strategies, here are some examples of pitfalls to avoid:

Ambiguous compliments. These are often given sincerely, but the wording makes it unclear if the compliment was actually an insult. Consider possible connotations associated with your word choice before you speak. For example, saying “That was mature of you” to an adult can come off as patronizing. It should go without saying that an adult is mature. To remove the patronizing connotation, you could say, “You handled that really well” instead.

Too-frequent compliments. If you compliment people too much, you’ll seem insincere, even if the feeling behind your compliments is genuine. Complimenting with little discernment also creates the expectation that you’ll offer praise all the time. Then, if you don’t give a compliment when people expect to hear one from you, they’ll assume something’s wrong (even if it isn’t).

Envious compliments. When you point out something you admire about a person that you also covet for yourself, you’ll seem envious and make your recipient uncomfortable as a result. An example of an envious compliment might be, “Wow, I wish I had a dress like that.” Instead of phrasing the compliment solely in terms of something you want, you could say, “That’s a beautiful dress. You have great taste! Where did you buy it?” This alternative still expresses your interest in acquiring something similar, but it also centers your compliment around the recipient’s positive qualities.

Ask for Favors (But Not Too Many)

The authors argue that asking a friend for a small favor makes them feel helpful and contributes to their positive sense of self. They’ll associate these good feelings with you and like you more.

For example, you might ask a friend if you can borrow their copy of a book you’ve discussed. It’s a small ask, but fulfilling it could make your friend feel charitable, increase their sense of importance, and show that you care about your shared interests.

It’s important not to ask for too much, though. If people think that you’re trying to take advantage of them, those good feelings can sour quickly.

How to Frame Requests for Help

When you’re contemplating asking a friend for a favor, don’t just consider whether what you’re asking them for is reasonable—consider how you’re asking. First, don’t try too hard to get the other person to empathize with you. You want them to empathize enough that they agree to support you, but not so much that they want to avoid your problems because they’re too painful to get involved with.

Likewise, don’t apologize profusely or make disclaimers about how you’d never normally ask for help: This suggests that asking for the favor makes you miserable. Consequently, people won’t get much satisfaction from helping.

Finally, don’t frame your request as the other person owing you a favor. This approach makes your friendship seem transactional, and it makes you seem controlling.

The Art of Good Conversations

In the last section, we discussed Schafer and Karlins’s methods for getting people to like you by building up their self-esteem. Another way to start and maintain strong friendships is by being a skilled conversationalist. In this section, you’ll learn the authors’ tips for keeping conversations balanced and pleasant for everyone involved. We’ll also discuss their advice on how to navigate nonverbal communication during conversations.

Choosing a Conversation Topic

As with building a friendship, when starting conversations, it’s good to find common ground. Talk about topics you and the other participants all appreciate and understand. Additionally, bring up past topics of conversation if you’ve met before so you can continue to build your relationship based on existing rapport. The authors advise not to bring up topics that make people uncomfortable or cause controversy, as the resulting division of opinions may ruin new friendships.

How to Keep the Conversation Going

Even if, according to Schafer and Karlins’s guidelines, you’ve chosen an interesting, uncontroversial, and appropriate subject to talk about, it’s easy to run out of things to say during a conversation. This is especially true when it comes to conversations with new friends, as you don’t have an established rapport.

One way to prevent conversations from fizzling out is by asking open-ended follow-up questions that encourage the other person to keep sharing details about themselves. In The Fine Art of Small Talk, Debra Fine discusses several themes that make great follow-up questions:

• Ask the other person to expand on anything they’ve mentioned so far in the conversation.

• Ask them about what they’re wearing, especially any item with an insignia that suggests they’re a member of a group or society.

• Ask them about their achievements and successes, particularly those that they’ve highlighted themselves.

• Ask them about their relationship to the location or the event where you’ve met. What brought them there? Who else do they know there?

When a person tells you something personal about themselves, reciprocate by offering up details about yourself. Anytime we share personal information, we make ourselves vulnerable to the other person. Therefore, if someone has just shared something and you stay silent, you leave the level of vulnerability unbalanced. The other person might feel like the relationship is one-sided. At the same time, the authors advise that you don’t spend too much time talking about yourself or your problems. If you want people to like you, keep the conversation centered around the other person.

(Shortform note: As the authors suggest, reciprocating when someone shares information about themselves is an important part of friendship. For someone to be your friend, they have to get to know you, so friendship inevitably requires sharing and vulnerability. However, you can still be discerning when deciding what to share with whom. Some of your friends may know everything about you, and others may not—that’s okay. Don’t feel the need to share something vulnerable if you’re uncomfortable or if you don’t trust the other person with the same type of information they’ve entrusted to you. Instead, be honest and let them know you’d like to keep some things to yourself. Likewise, don’t press your friends for information they don’t want to share.)

Nonverbal Communication During Conversations

The most important nonverbal cue you can give in a conversation is being an active listener. According to the authors, active listening involves really paying attention to what the other person’s saying, not just waiting quietly for your next chance to speak. It lets the other person know that you care about them and that you’re interested in their contributions to the conversation.

(Shortform note: One major difference between active listening and passive listening is the intention of the listener. When you’re actively listening, you’re trying to absorb the other person’s words as an active participant in the conversation. You’re consciously working toward understanding or problem-solving with the other person. In contrast, passive listeners are inattentive and unreceptive to new ideas. A passive listener’s opinion on a topic is likely already fixed, so they’re unwilling to consider another person’s perspective or find solutions to resolve conflicts. To be an active listener, wait your turn to speak, ask questions, and eliminate distractions that might take your attention away from the conversation.)

The authors suggest that nonverbal cues can also be a window into the other person’s thoughts. Observing these cues can help you ascertain how comfortable the other person is with you and how they feel about whatever you’re discussing. For example, if someone purses their lips, they likely disagree with what you’re saying. If they bite or press their lips together, that means they have something to say, but they’re either hesitant to speak or don’t want to reveal the information they’re thinking of.

Use Nonverbal Cues to Navigate Difficult Conversations

If you follow the authors’ advice, you’ll likely keep most conversations pleasant and positive. Their rule of avoiding controversial conversation topics should minimize moments of conflict, and picking up on nonverbal cues of disagreement can help you pivot away from prickly conversations. That being said, difficult conversations are inevitable in every established relationship, and nonverbal cues can help you navigate them when they’re unavoidable.

First, when you’re angry or upset with someone, try to keep those emotions out of your approach and your body language. Being the target of anger and disappointment can make a person defensive, and defensiveness can shut down further communication. Instead, approach the other person with compassion.

If you notice cues of discomfort or disagreement in the other person—like the lip cues mentioned by Schafer and Karlins—ask them to tell you which part of your statement made them react uncomfortably. By indicating that you’ve noticed their emotional cues, you show them that you still care about their emotions as well as your grievances. Identifying the other person’s emotional cues will also give them a chance to consider the reason behind their emotions, which can help you both move toward a productive solution to your conflict.

Managing Conflict in Relationships

Even if you use all the authors’ advice for strong friendships and smooth conversations from the previous sections, you’ll still run into moments of conflict in your relationships. In this section, we’ll discuss Schafer and Karlins’s techniques for approaching conflict productively.

When Someone’s Angry at You

We’ve all faced anger from others at some point. In these moments, it can feel impossible to find a solution. Using Schafer and Karlins’s method for managing angry responses, you can quickly and productively move through a conflict. This can help keep your relationships healthy and respectful.

To start, don’t try to reason with someone who’s angry: Anger triggers the fight-or-flight response in us, which dampens our capacity for logical reasoning and makes reason-based arguments with an angry person unhelpful. Instead, let the angry person spend some time calming down.

(Shortform note: The fight-or-flight response is your body’s instinctive way of focusing all your energy on survival in the face of perceived danger. When an emotion like anger, anxiety, or even excitement triggers this response, several physiological processes occur. Your adrenal glands release a flood of stress hormones, like adrenaline and cortisol, throughout your body. Additionally, your brain redirects blood away from the gut toward the muscles, halting regular processes like digestion and preparing you for intense physical activity. Finally, your heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration increase, leading to a higher body temperature and excess perspiration.)

If you have to engage immediately, start by explaining the problem that caused the other person’s anger. For example, say you come home late from your community volleyball team’s weekly practice, and now your spouse is angry with you. The explanation could be that your team had to stay late to finish preparing for an upcoming game, and you didn’t call because you left your cell phone at home.

If your explanation doesn’t assuage the other person’s anger, try using empathic responding (discussed in an earlier section): Use empathic language to acknowledge the underlying reasons behind their anger. For example, you could say, “You’re angry with me because you didn’t know where I was, and that made you worried.” This response recognizes your spouse’s anger and shows an understanding of their other emotions.

Then, allow the other person to release their angry thoughts freely: Even if you acknowledge their feelings, they’ll likely still have something to say. For example, your spouse may want to complain about your inconsideration or list all the ways you could’ve still gotten in contact without your cell phone. When the angry person pauses, respond empathically again, showing them you understand their point of view. Continue this cycle of release and empathic responding until the angry person has run out of things to say.

Conclude the interaction by offering a resolution that suits both parties. For instance, you might promise to check you have your cell phone every time you leave for practice so the lack of communication doesn’t happen again. If the other person accepts your resolution, the conflict is over.

Additional Advice for Dealing With Angry People Safely

The authors' method for managing angry interactions assumes that the other person will eventually calm down enough to resolve things once you've explained yourself and behaved empathically. However, this isn't necessarily realistic or safe—sometimes, nothing you say or do can calm a person down.

Here are two strategies for managing a persistently angry situation:

1) Know when it’s time to step away. Sometimes, a person is too angry to have a productive conversation. If nothing you say seems to help, it’s an opportune time to use the authors’ advice to step away and give the angry person some time to cool off.

2) Prioritize your safety. When people feel angry, they sometimes lash out physically. Hopefully, you never feel unsafe around your friends no matter how angry they are—but if you do, remove yourself from the situation immediately.

Friendship in the Digital Age

Throughout this guide, we’ve discussed Schafer and Karlins’s techniques for making friends and building strong connections. Most of these techniques depend on your ability to read other people’s nonverbal cues in person, but in today’s world, many relationships are formed online. Relationships in virtual spaces have their own set of unique rules and challenges. With that in mind, in this section, we’ll discuss some basic facts about online friendships and the authors’ guidelines for how to enter them safely.

Unique Considerations of Online Relationships

The authors identify three main factors that are unique to online relationships:

Consideration #1: It’s Easy to Find People With Common Interests

According to Schafer and Karlins, it’s easy to make friends online because it’s easy to find common interests. There are thousands of strangers online who watch the same shows as you, play the same sports as you, have the same hobbies as you, and so on, and they’re all right at your fingertips.

(Shortform note: You can use the internet to orchestrate in-person connections with people who share your interests. For example, the website Meetup allows you to find groups and events in your area centered around almost any topic, such as photography, gaming, yoga, hiking, reading, and writing. You’ll get the unique online benefit of finding like-minded people easily while also getting the benefits of real-world interaction.)

Consideration #2: It’s Easy to Enter and Leave Intense Connections

The authors note that online relationships often intensify quickly because the barrier of the screen makes people feel more comfortable sharing traits they’d normally hide. The relative anonymity means there’s less risk of embarrassment sharing things online than there is in person, and it’s easier to exit uncomfortable situations. If the other person says something that makes you feel uneasy, rejected, or offended, all you have to do is exit the webpage or the app to escape the situation: You don’t have to face backlash from the other person in real time.

To Ghost or Not to Ghost

A common phenomenon in online relationships is ghosting: cutting off contact with the other without saying goodbye or giving a reason why you’re ending the relationship. People ghost to avoid confrontation, reduce awkwardness, and escape toxic situations. As the authors point out, it’s much easier to cut people off online because the barrier of the screen reduces the chance of negative repercussions.

However, ghosting is often not the bravest or the kindest option when you need to end a relationship. It offers no closure, leaving the other person wondering what they did wrong. As long as you’re not compromising your safety, it’s better to be direct and communicate your choice to cut contact. The next time you want to end a relationship, romantic or platonic, try being honest—tell the other person why you want to move on (without being unkind).

Consideration #3: You Can’t Use Nonverbal Cues to Understand People’s Intentions

Online relationships also come with unique dangers. The authors claim that without access to the nonverbal cues that let our brains know whether someone is a potential friend or enemy, it’s difficult to judge someone’s intentions. Additionally, though the internet offers more anonymity than in-person interactions, there’s always a chance that the things you post and write online may be accessible forever. This becomes a problem if you post information or photos that put you in a compromising position.

(Shortform note: The lack of nonverbal and emotional cues in online interactions has unique implications surrounding cyberbullying. Since we rely on nonverbal cues to interpret other people’s responses to our actions, bullies may underestimate the severity of the hurt they cause to their victims online. Likewise, cyberbullying prolongs the suffering of the victims because of its large audience and the permanence of online content. Reconsider before you post something meant to insult or make fun of someone, no matter how lighthearted your intentions—you never know how much pain you’re causing.)

How to Safely Navigate Online Relationships

The authors list several ways you can enter into online connections safely. First, until you have strong evidence that you're talking to the person you think you are, assume that they're fabricating at least some details about themselves. Many people lie about specific details like their age, weight, or occupation online, but some assume entirely false identities. You can’t know how honest someone you’ve met online is until you meet them in person.

In the meantime, collect evidence that the other person could be lying and evidence that they’re telling the truth. Over time, the distribution of the evidence should indicate their level of honesty. If you have a lot more evidence that suggests they’re lying to you, then you should end the relationship.

Finally, meet face to face in a public place or through a video chat early in the relationship. The only way to build lasting trust and rapport is by reading the other person’s nonverbal cues.

How to Avoid Getting Catfished

For proof of the lengths people will go to lie about their identity on the internet, we can look to MTV’s long-running reality show Catfish. In the show, documentary filmmaker Nev Schulman and various co-hosts travel across the United States helping people find out whether their online paramours are being truthful about their identities. More often than not, things aren’t as they seem, supporting Schafer and Karlins’s emphasis on the importance of meeting your online connections in person as soon as possible: It’s the only way to truly know if the other person is who they say they are.

Here are some of Schulman’s tips for how to form safe online relationships:

• Ask to video chat. Like the authors, Schulman suggests this as a simple way to tell if someone is being truthful about who they are.

• Reverse image search the photos the other person sends you to see if other online profiles are using the same photos. If multiple profiles are using the photos, it’s possible that the person you’re talking to isn’t the person in the pictures.

• Search the other person’s phone number to see who it’s registered to. Likewise, send their email to see all the profiles that are connected to it. This can reveal if the person has given you their real name or if their online persona uses a fake identity.

• Don’t send money or gifts to anyone unless you’ve met them in person.