PDF Summary:The House of My Mother, by Shari Franke

In 2023, Ruby Franke—who reached over 2.5 million followers on her family vlog—was arrested on aggravated child abuse charges. Seemingly overnight, the picture-perfect Mormon family influencer became a cautionary tale about vloggers and life coaches.

In The House of My Mother, Ruby’s daughter Shari Franke recounts her experience growing up under her mother’s oppressive discipline and in front of the ever-present cameras. She gives an inside look at how the Frankes jumped into the family vlogging limelight, fell under the toxic influence of a cult-like life-coach program, and eventually fell apart. She wrote this memoir to set the record straight on what happened inside the Franke home and make a case against family vlogging.

This guide explores Franke’s major themes: growing up in a vlogging family, her mother’s abusive parenting, and her search for healing. We also contextualize her struggles within psychological theories about emotionally neglectful parenting, childhood trauma, and growing up in the public light.

(continued)...

(Shortform note: Shari’s initial acceptance of Hildebrandt’s ideas illustrates one way that mental health treatments can damage young people. In Bad Therapy, Abigail Shrier writes that young people might accept a therapist’s bad ideas without question, just like Shari accepted that thinking of herself positively meant she was arrogant. This is because young people lack the life experience and self-awareness to challenge a therapist’s ideas like adults can. As a result, they might accept inaccurate or unhelpful interpretations without question, leading to confusion about their feelings or experiences.)

During one of these early therapy sessions, Hildebrandt called Shari an “obedient little drone.” Shari mentioned in their next session that the comment had hurt her feelings, but Hildebrandt denied saying it. However, when Shari checked her journal, she confirmed her memory was correct. Afterward, Shari became more vigilant about Hildebrandt’s inconsistencies. The breaking point came when Hildebrandt claimed babies cry because they’re manipulative and entitled. This helped Shari realize how extreme and toxic Hildebrandt’s teachings were.

How to Know Your Therapist Is Supporting You

Shari’s experience highlights a concern many mental health patients might have: how to know if your therapist is helping you. To identify whether the person you’re working with is worth your time, mental health experts suggest checking the following:

1) Your therapist should be licensed by the state. While Hildebrandt was licensed, Shari learned she had lost her license after claiming that one of her patients had an addiction to pornography. However, she didn’t have enough evidence to make that diagnosis or the authorization to share her diagnosis with anyone besides her patient.

2) Your therapist should show compassion, not judgment. Effective therapists guide you to healthier behaviors without shaming you. Hildebrandt’s attempt to frame Shari’s positive self-talk as arrogant suggests that she was judging and shaming Shari instead of demonstrating compassion. Hildebrandt’s theory about why babies cry is another example of showing judgment rather than caring.

3) Your therapist should be someone you like and trust, since therapy is a vulnerable space. If, like Shari, you have reason to believe that you can’t trust your therapist or that they’re making you doubt your perception of reality, you should find a different person to help you.

Ruby Goes All In on ConneXions

Despite Shari’s misgivings, Ruby incorporated Hildebrandt’s ideas and methods into her parenting. According to Shari, this only made her mother’s parenting more insidiously cruel. Now, instead of yelling or hitting, she implemented psychological punishments. For example, one Christmas, Ruby, Kevin, and Hildebrandt decided that the youngest kids didn’t deserve any presents and made them watch as the older kids opened theirs.

(Shortform note: Sadly, Ruby seems to have combined Hildebrandt’s harmful ideas about children and her own penchant for giving physical punishment. Ruby’s journal, which was made public after her arrest, describes her youngest daughter crying, asking for another family, love, and food, while Ruby forced her to work barefoot in the desert. Ruby describes her daughter’s cries as manipulative. In another instance, when lawyers pressed Hildebrandt about the physical injuries she and Ruby inflicted on the children, Hildebrandt claimed that the children were responsible for getting hurt.)

In addition to incorporating her ideas, Ruby joined Hildebrandt’s organization. Shari explains how her mother became a certified ConneXions coach, lead support calls and women’s groups, and regularly reported confidential information to Hildebrandt. Ruby also started incorporating ConneXions terminology into her videos.

(Shortform note: Some of Hildebrandt’s former patients seem to confirm Shari’s claims. They argue that Hildebrandt and other coaches frequently shared patients’ private information, along with the names of the people involved. Additionally, some patients say they started participating in ConneXions after learning about it from Ruby’s videos. This suggests that she was successful in recruiting more members for the program through her channel.)

Kevin Follows Ruby’s Lead

As his wife became more entrenched in the ConneXions community, Kevin felt uncomfortable. Shari explains that he went along with the program to appease Ruby, but he believed the women in the group hated men. For example, Hildebrandt claimed that behaviors like talking to a woman you’re not married to, or noticing she’s attractive, were as bad as infidelity. Many husbands in the families involved with ConneXions were pressured to leave their families for at least six months to work on themselves after engaging in these alleged acts of unfaithfulness. Despite these worrying aspects of the program, Kevin eventually bought into its ideas and methods.

(Shortform note: Before founding ConneXions, Hildebrandt’s focus as a therapist was treating people who had an addiction to pornography. Some of her former ConneXions clients say she usually diagnosed the men in the community with that same addiction or with a sex addiction. If they didn’t sign up for treatment with Hildebrandt, they were pushed out of the community. This drove a wedge between husbands and wives because Hildebrandt advised clients to distance themselves from anyone who didn’t follow her teachings, even spouses. However, some argue that Kevin became just as involved in ConneXions as Ruby, even creating testimonials discussing the positive impact of the program on his life.)

ConneXions’ Similarities With a Cult

Reflecting on how ConneXions came to dominate her family, Shari points out several ways in which the program functioned like a cult:

• The program had a rigid hierarchy. Hildebrandt maintained absolute control and cultivated dependency from the members by becoming their only moral authority. Only she could provide them with approval and moral insights.
• The program encouraged a sense of superiority in its members. For instance, members believed they were more enlightened than people not involved in ConneXions.
• The program isolated members from outside relationships. It encouraged cutting ties with anyone who didn’t share the group’s beliefs, framing this isolation as a test of commitment. For example, Ruby cut ties with her parents and siblings during this time.

How to Support Someone Trapped in a Cult

Shari’s observation that ConneXions functioned as a cult also illustrates why it was so difficult for the family to break free from the program. As she explains, there was a rigid hierarchy, which experts argue is a tactic cult leaders employ to keep members in line and prevent them from thinking critically about their participation. This means outsiders must leave the door open for cult members to reach out and ask for help, since they may not have other opportunities to do so. If you suspect someone you care about is involved in a cult, keep these suggestions in mind:

1) Understand why beliefs become entrenched. You might resent the person’s extreme beliefs or their sense of superiority when you disagree with them. Recognize that someone typically adopts absolutist beliefs because it fulfills a psychological need—whether for purpose, community, or a sense of control in an uncertain world. Approaching your loved one with empathy can make it easier to maintain your connection with them so you can provide support.

2) Ask genuine questions. Demonstrate curiosity about your loved one’s extreme beliefs or behaviors. For instance, ask “What drew you to that perspective?” rather than “How can you possibly think that?” This will make them feel heard rather than judged, creating an opportunity for them to reflect on their own thinking—which may help them question their participation in the cult.

3) Stay steady and present. Cult members tend to isolate themselves from non-members, just as Ruby did with her family. Maintain regular contact with the person you care about without pressuring them to change. This shows that you value and are committed to your relationship. Your steady presence demonstrates that relationships can survive even when worldviews diverge.

Keep in mind that the goal is to maintain a meaningful relationship and protect your well-being, not to change your loved one’s mind. While you can’t control what they believe or make them change their perspective, you can take concrete steps to maintain your relationship while respecting your own boundaries.

The Franke Family Falls Apart

The Frankes’ involvement with Hildebrandt and ConneXions led to the downfall of their social media business and their precarious family ties. This section will describe what happened to the Franke family after Hildebrandt moved into their home, including how Ruby pushed Kevin, Chad, and Shari away and hid the younger children from the outside world.

The Frankes Get Cancelled

In 2020, Ruby got herself and her channel cancelled, and the damage to their reputation was irreparable. In a video with Chad, he revealed that he’d been sleeping on a beanbag for seven months. According to Ruby, he’d lost his right to a bedroom after playing a prank on his younger brother. The revelation sparked public outrage and destroyed the family’s online image. Sponsors distanced themselves, and hundreds of thousands of subscribers left. The family became social media pariahs, while viewers combed through years of content for additional evidence of problematic parenting. In addition, Child Protective Services visited their home, though they didn’t find any evidence of abuse.

(Shortform note: The financial impact of the beanbag video was significant. Previously, the channel’s ad rate was approximately $11 for every thousand viewers, but it dropped to less than a dollar after the scandal. However, the fallout from the beanbag video seems to have had no impact on Ruby’s approach to parenting. She claimed that the Child Protective Services officers who visited her home ended their visit by asking her for parenting advice. At the time, the officers claimed there was no evidence of abuse, even after interviewing each child individually.)

Hildebrandt Moves In and Shari Moves Out

In 2021, Hildebrandt moved in with the Franke family. Ruby claimed Hildebrandt was experiencing an attack from the devil and needed protection. Shari recalls how the household atmosphere became chaotic and secretive. Ruby began sleeping in Hildebrandt’s room to help her with night terrors—something she never did for Shari’s childhood terrors. In addition, Shari saw Ruby sneaking from her bedroom late at night, leading her to suspect an inappropriate relationship between them. Ruby also forbade Kevin from going upstairs, where Hildebrandt’s room was.

(Shortform note: Shari’s hints at an intimate relationship between Ruby and Hildebrandt raise questions about the sincerity of Ruby’s beliefs. For example, there are clips of her and Kevin attending a rally in 2012 to support a company facing backlash against its anti-LGBT policies. She explained she was there to defend the union between man and woman. Additionally, her empathetic support for Hildebrandt seems to contradict her belief that children need a tough approach that encourages their self-reliance.)

Shari escaped her family’s difficult situation when she began attending Brigham Young University. Although the campus was only ten minutes from their home, she says it was liberating to be away from her mother and Hildrebrandt.

(Shortform note: Leaving her family’s home might have been Shari’s first step toward healing. In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, psychologist Lindsay Gibson says connecting with your authentic self is the first step toward healing. Emotionally immature parents prevent this connection by denying their children the ability to express a full range of emotions, as Ruby did. Being away from her mother and the chaotic environment at her home might have given her the space to safely discover and connect with her authentic emotions and identity.)

Ruby Cuts Ties With Kevin, Chad, and Shari

With Shari out of the house, the family dynamic continued deteriorating. In July 2022, Ruby asked Kevin and Chad to leave for at least a year so they could work on self-improvement because she claimed they were both behaving selfishly. She also instructed them not to contact Shari during this time. Shari speculates that Hildrebrandt orchestrated Kevin’s exile by gradually destroying his self-esteem and suggesting he was inappropriately affectionate toward his daughters. She recalls running into her father on campus and trying to interact with him. However, he appeared to avoid her, and Shari concluded that he was unable to help her and her siblings.

(Shortform note: Shari’s speculation that Hildebrandt was behind Kevin’s exile seems to be correct. In an interrogation following Ruby’s arrest, Kevin explains that Hildebrandt convinced Ruby to push him out of the house and made it impossible for him to come back. He claims that the therapist had to approve his return, but she continuously accused him of being manipulative or deceitful, to the point that he became unsure of his own beliefs.)

Some weeks after Ruby shunned Kevin and Chad, Shari got a call from a neighbor telling her that her mom had left her siblings alone in the house for five days while she went on a trip. Shari called the Division of Child and Family Services (DCFS) and asked them to do a wellness check. They did, reporting that everyone seemed fine. When Ruby learned that Shari had called DCFS, she disowned her. She accused Shari of betraying her and demanded that she stop contacting anyone in the family.

Emotionally Neglectful Parents

While Ruby’s authoritarian parenting and Kevin’s passive neglect showed their different approaches to parenting, they coincide in that they were both emotionally neglectful. One psychologist defines two types of emotionally neglectful parents: struggling parents and self-involved parents. Kevin seems to fit the definition of a struggling parent, whereas Ruby could likely be classified as a self-involved parent.

Kevin: Struggling Parent

Struggling parents are too overwhelmed by their problems and responsibilities to meet their children’s emotional needs. Their struggles may include divorce, mental or physical illness, or other hardships. It seems Kevin’s relationship problems with Ruby and the negative effect of ConneXions overwhelmed him and made him unable to effectively care for his children.

Children of struggling parents may:

• Focus excessively on other people’s needs while ignoring their own. For example, Shari carried the burden of caring for her younger siblings despite struggling with her own mental health problems and having limited opportunities to help.

• Feel grateful for—and also angry at—their parents. As we’ll see later in this guide, Shari still feels ambivalent about her relationship with her father.

Ruby: Self-Involved Parent

Self-involved parents are motivated by power, control, and what’s best for them. This group includes narcissists, authoritarians, addicts, and sociopaths whose behavior does long-term emotional damage to their children.

Children of self-involved parents may:

• Feel anxious before seeing their parents and manipulated during interactions with them. As we’ve seen, Shari developed anxiety as a result of her unhealthy relationship with her mother. In addition, Ruby’s accusation that Shari betrayed her when she called DCFS was likely an attempt to manipulate her to stop questioning her authority.

• Feel angry at their parents and that their relationship is fake. Throughout her memoir, Shari makes clear that she’s angry at Ruby and that she feels that her portrayal of motherhood was for the cameras, not for her children.

Ruby Isolates the Younger Kids

After the family fracture, Ruby isolated her younger children. For a year, Shari had no information about her siblings’ well-being or whereabouts. Her neighbors told her Ruby had removed them from school and got rid of the family dog so the kids wouldn’t need to leave the house to take him on walks. Shari feared that Ruby might seriously harm her younger siblings or put their lives in danger. Shari made several calls to government agencies, trying to get them to protect the children, but to no avail.

(Shortform note: In 2024, Kevin spoke out about the state’s apparent failure to protect the youngest Franke children. He addressed lawmakers at a public hearing about Utah’s Division of Child and Family Services, advocating for reform in the child welfare system. He argued that the DCFS is understaffed, which makes it impossible for the institution to effectively protect vulnerable children. He also advocated for new laws to enable swift intervention based on insights from individuals close to the child. For instance, if such laws had been in place, the neighbors’ concerns about his children’s well-being would have triggered immediate actions from the state to remove the minors from their unsafe environment.)

The Franke Family Today

As Ruby’s behavior became more dangerous, Shari took the reins of her own life. She realized she needed to become mentally strong to help her younger siblings, and she began a healing journey. This section will explore Ruby’s arrest and trial, and how Shari and the rest of the Franke family are recovering from their years of abuse.

Ruby’s Arrest and Trial

On August 30, 2023, police raided Ruby’s and Hildebrandt’s homes. They were arrested and charged with multiple counts of aggravated child abuse. The two youngest children had been confined at Hildebrandt’s house and required immediate medical attention. They were placed on a temporary medical hold, and the state took custody of all the underage Franke children.

(Shortform note: The raid came after the youngest boy, who was 12 at the time, escaped from Hildenbrandt’s house through a window, walked to a neighbor’s house, and asked to be taken to a police station. He explained to the police that Hildebrandt had tied him up and refused to give him food or water. After hearing his testimony, the police raided both homes and found the youngest daughter, 10, hiding in a closet in Hildebrandt’s house. The police also found handcuffs, ropes, and plastic wrap, which the women presumably used on the children. After the arrest, the two middle children were found in the home of another ConneXions leader, who’d been making them do manual labor.)

After the arrests, the County Attorney’s Office released Ruby’s handwritten journals documenting what she and Hildebrandt had done to the youngest siblings. For three months, they’d subjected the children to daily punishments intended to cleanse them from evil forces.

(Shortform note: Shari doesn’t detail the content of the journals because she chose not to read them. However, reports indicate that Ruby documented how she and Hildebrandt were trying to, in their view, expel the devil from the two youngest children through punishments like tying weights to their arms and legs and covering their open wounds with pepper and honey.)

Ruby and Hildebrandt pleaded guilty but followed different tactics for their trials. Shari argues that Ruby portrayed herself as Hildebrandt’s victim. For example, she thanked law enforcement for saving her from a situation she claimed she couldn’t escape. Conversely, Hildebrandt maintained her delusions, claiming God spoke to her and that she loved the Franke children. The judge sentenced both to four to 30 years in prison.

(Shortform note: It’s unclear how long Ruby and Hildebrandt will actually serve in prison. According to Utah law, they’ll have an initial parole hearing in 2026, which will determine whether they serve their 30-year sentences or get an early release. The parole hearing will include interviews with the offenders in which they can choose to change or maintain their original strategies. However, their victims also get to speak at the parole hearing and say whether they believe Ruby and Hildebrandt should serve their full sentences.)

The police also questioned Kevin, but he appeared unaware of his children’s living conditions. He explained that Ruby had asked him to leave a year earlier. From that point, he supported the family financially but had minimal involvement in his children’s welfare. Despite learning about the children’s condition, Shari says that Kevin initially expressed continued loyalty to Ruby.

(Shortform note: Kevin’s immediate reaction after Ruby’s abuse aligns with how he approached their marital problems and separation. He argues that he followed Ruby’s instructions for the separation, hoping that would help heal their relationship. He respected her request that he not contact her or the children, and he even participated in ConneXions men’s groups during this time as a way to show Ruby his commitment to self-improvement. His initial reaction to the arrest was also likely influenced by how Ruby framed the situation. When she called Kevin, she said the children were possessed by a demon and that they were lying about her to the police.)

The Family After the Arrest and Trial

Shari explains that one year after Ruby’s imprisonment, her family started the healing process. Kevin changed his stance on Ruby and her actions. He moved back into the family home and began working to prove that he could be a responsible parent to regain custody of his younger children, who remained in state custody at the time. Kevin and Shari also started rebuilding their relationship.

(Shortform note: In the months after Shari’s memoir was published, Kevin regained custody of his four younger children and divorced Ruby. He and Shari are continuing to work on their relationship. For example, Shari explained in an interview that she warned him about everything she was saying about him in her book, so it wouldn’t come as a surprise. She also mentioned that he takes responsibility for the part he played in getting the family involved in vlogging and that he understands that it was a mistake.)

As part of their healing, the Frankes began trying to regain control of their story. For example, Shari and her family worked with a documentary director to share their experiences. In a surreal moment, they watched a television documentary about Ruby’s case while being filmed by the documentary crew they were working with. This experience highlighted the media exploitation of their trauma. Finally, Shari wrote this memoir to ensure her perspective was heard.

(Shortform note: One of the Frankes’ goals in regaining control of their story was to provide context for—and correct—existing narratives about their family. For example, they explained in the documentary that Chad’s disruptive behavior and his subsequent punishments and treatments were the result of years of being forced to create content out of his daily life. In addition, Kevin used the documentary to push back on some of the criticism he’s received for failing to keep his children safe. For instance, he argued that Ruby’s abuse of their children only started after Hildebrandt moved into their home, and that she kept it hidden from him while he was still living at the family house.)

Shari’s Healing Journey

Shari expresses that she’s found genuine happiness through therapy and self-work. Additionally, she describes finding a chosen family who cares for her as if she were their child. She explains that the strength and clarity she’s gained have helped her handle the challenges she faced.

Her newfound clarity involved making four key insights:

1. Ruby’s behavior constituted emotional abuse. When Shari’s therapist confirmed this, she realized she wasn’t oversensitive or selfish as Ruby had always claimed. She began to see through the manipulation and understand that the dysfunction in her family stemmed from Ruby, not from her own shortcomings.

(Shortform note: Shari’s journey echoes the prescription for healing that John Bradshaw outlines in Healing the Shame That Binds You. He argues that the first step toward healing childhood trauma is receiving validation that the trauma was real. For Shari, her therapist’s confirmation provided this validation. Bradshaw also believes healing requires expressing trauma-related feelings and having corrective experiences that fulfill the childhood needs that your trauma denied you. Writing her memoir allowed Shari to express her emotions and identity, which she couldn’t do as a child. A final necessary element is support, which Shari says she’s found in her chosen family.)

2. Shari developed a fawn response, a trauma response in which she would try to please others to avoid conflict. This insight helped Shari understand her pattern of appeasing others, which was a survival mechanism developed from years under Ruby's control.

3. She internalized guilt, shame, and self-loathing. Through therapy, Shari began understanding how her upbringing affected her responses to difficult situations. She expresses that healing means learning to manage intense emotions and reclaiming her narrative by breaking cycles of fear and control passed down to her.

(Shortform note: While Ruby’s abusive parenting was a major cause of Shari’s emotional distress, Shari’s fawn response and internalized negative feelings might also be a result of growing up as a child influencer. Creating content to entertain others can trigger fawning because the content creator might suppress their own identity, needs, or desires to appeal to the public—and to the parent holding the camera. In addition, growing up under public scrutiny can lead young influencers to develop anxiety, emotional dysregulation, and difficulties developing their identities.)

4. While she inherited some positive traits from Ruby, Shari has developed into her own person despite her mother’s influence. She is focused on breaking generational cycles of trauma so that she can someday become a loving and nurturing mother.

(Shortform note: Shari’s approach is consistent with experts’ recommendations for breaking generational cycles of harm. According to Bradberry and Greaves (Emotional Intelligence 2.0), seeing the good and the bad in our upbringing strengthens self-awareness. This allows us to identify our triggers, like Shari did when recognizing that her upbringing might influence her as a mother. In The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, Philippa Perry explains that raising your child will remind you of times your parents harmed you. These reminders can trigger negative feelings toward your child and continue the cycle of harm. By examining and reflecting on your childhood like Shari, you can help break the cycle.)

Shari’s Stance on Family Vlogging

As she looks to the future, Shari expresses certainty that she’ll be a different kind of mother from Ruby. She also says she’ll never expose or monetize her children like her parents did. She explains that when their family life became public entertainment, their private struggles were transformed into content for viewers. Even after Ruby’s arrest, the family’s story was exploited by media outlets worldwide, turning their trauma into sensationalized entertainment. She believes their grief became a commodity for consumption, reducing their suffering to spectacle.

(Shortform note: In addition to writing this memoir, Shari has found other ways to be an outspoken advocate against family vlogging and child influencers. In October 2024, Shari, Kevin, and the family’s youngest daughter gave statements to the Utah State Legislature supporting a new bill that outlined child influencers’ financial and privacy rights. In her statement, Shari argued that family vlogging is inherently unethical. The law was passed in April 2025, and while it doesn’t outlaw family vlogging outright, it establishes key protections for children involved in vlogging. For example, it ensures that after they turn 18, they have the right to take down from the internet any content they’re featured in.)