PDF Summary:The High 5 Habit, by Mel Robbins

Are you ready to transform your life with a simple yet powerful habit? Imagine a practice that can boost your confidence, amplify your positivity, and propel you toward your goals. Get ready to discover the High 5 Habit, a game-changing technique that will revolutionize your relationship with yourself. In The High 5 Habit, Mel Robbins explains that when it comes to positive self-talk, we're often our own worst enemy. She argues that starting every day by giving yourself a high five in the mirror can help you silence self-doubt and adopt an attitude of confidence and self-love that will allow you to achieve your dreams.

In this guide, we’ll explain the basics of the High 5 Habit, the science behind it, and how to implement it. We’ll also go deeper into the psychology behind Robbins's suggestions and draw comparisons between her ideas and those of other personal development experts, like Tony Robbins (Awaken the Giant Within), Brené Brown (The Power of Vulnerability), and James Clear (Atomic Habits).

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Robbins says a High 5 Habit begins with three simple steps.

1. When you first wake up, go to your bathroom and look in the mirror. Observe your reflection and think about what you love about who you are as a person.
2. Give your reflection a high five.
3. Repeat every day.

How to Build a Habit

Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit, elaborates on what you can do to help form a new habit, like giving yourself a high five every morning. He argues that all habits require three elements:

1. The cue: The cue is a signal that triggers the brain to initiate a particular behavior. It can be something internal or external, such as a specific time of day, a particular location, an emotional state, or even the presence of certain people. Cues can vary depending on the habit and the individual.

2. The routine: The routine is the behavior itself—the action or series of actions that you perform in response to the cue. This is the habitual behavior that you want to establish or change. It can be a physical action, a thought process, or an emotional response.

3. The reward: The reward is the positive reinforcement that follows the routine. It's something that satisfies a desire or craving and reinforces the brain to remember and repeat the habit loop in the future. Rewards can take various forms, such as physical pleasure, emotional satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment, or even social recognition.

According to Duhigg, these three elements—cue, routine, and reward—work together to create and reinforce habits. As you're trying to build the habit of a morning high five, think about what cues you can implement as a reminder to give yourself a high five. This might be an alarm on your phone or a note next to your toothbrush. Then, when you give yourself a high five, pay attention to how you feel afterward and notice the emotional reward you get from following through with your routine.

This daily habit of giving yourself a high five helps remind you, before you’ve done anything else, to shift your focus from the negative to the positive. But the high five alone isn't enough. You also need to interrupt negative thoughts as they occur and reframe underlying unproductive emotions that lead to those negative thoughts.

(Shortform note: The daily high five is an example of what James Clear calls an “atomic habit,” a small, incremental behavior that's easy to do and takes minimal effort but has a significant impact. In Atomic Habits, he explains that these behaviors are specific, actionable, and can be performed consistently. They focus on making tiny improvements that may seem insignificant in isolation but, when practiced consistently, can result in profound personal growth.)

Address Negative Thoughts

Starting your day with a high five is intended to remind you that you're worthy and capable. But, throughout the day, you’re still bound to have moments of self-doubt or negative self-talk. Building a High 5 Habit means not just giving yourself a high five every morning but also cultivating a positive attitude—an inner voice that always celebrates and affirms you. A positive attitude requires you to confront the negative thoughts that tear you down rather than lift you up.

(Shortform note: According to Jon Acuff, author of Soundtracks, it can be difficult to address negative thoughts because the human brain has a natural tendency toward negative overthinking. He explains that the brain responds to minor negative events and significant trauma in the same way, by internalizing the experience and its consequences. This makes it easier for you to remember your failures rather than your successes, often resulting in an exaggerated negative opinion of yourself.)

Robbins offers a three-step process to help you transform negative thoughts as they arise.

Step 1: Interrupt the negative thought as it occurs. Robbins recommends simply redirecting your focus anytime you notice a negative thought about yourself come up.

(Shortform note: Acuff recommends a similar three-step strategy for changing your internal soundtrack. However, he offers more specific suggestions on how to interrupt negative thoughts. First, he suggests that you critically examine the negative thought by asking yourself whether the thought is true, if it helps you accomplish your goals, or if it makes you feel good. If it does none of those things, he argues, it’s not worth dwelling on. He also acknowledges that it’s possible to recognize that a thought is untrue, unhelpful, and unkind, and still remain fixated on it anyway. In this case, Acuff recommends taking a mental break and finding an activity that helps your brain relax.)

Step 2: Replace the negative thought with a meaningful affirmation, for example, “I’m capable of building the life I want.” She emphasizes that affirmations only work if you truly believe what you’re saying, so try out a few to find some that work for you. Once you find an affirmation that rings true, she recommends writing it down somewhere where you’ll see it often, maybe on your bathroom mirror where you’ll see it every time you give yourself a high five.

(Shortform note: Acuff adds that if you’re having trouble finding a positive thought that works, try inverting the negative thought. For example, if you’re a runner, and one of your negative thoughts is “I’ll never be able to run a marathon,” you can flip this thought upside-down and tell yourself “I have what it takes to go the distance.")

Step 3: Finally, take an action step that proves your affirmation to be true. For example, if your affirmation is “I learn something new every day” then you could end your day by sharing something you learned with a friend or family member.

(Shortform note: In addition to taking action on your positive affirmation, Acuff recommends you repeat positive thoughts until you internalize them. Acuff suggests repeating your affirmation out loud every day even if it feels awkward—studies suggest that talking to yourself aloud is more effective than speaking internally.)

Reframe Unproductive Emotions

Often these negative thoughts are tied to complicated underlying emotions like fear, doubt, jealousy, and guilt. Robbins argues that addressing the emotions at their root will better equip you to interrupt the negative thoughts that stem from those emotions. She offers suggestions for how to reframe the underlying emotions that lead to negative self-talk.

(Shortform note: Robbins suggests that negative thought patterns are triggered by underlying emotions, but the cognitive-behavioral model of emotion, a widely accepted psychological theory, proposes the opposite—that thoughts trigger emotions. According to this theory, our thoughts influence our emotional response, which subsequently influences our decisions and actions. For instance, if we believe we will fail a test, we may experience anxiety and stress, leading us to avoid studying, ultimately resulting in a failed test.)

The first emotion is fear, which is one of the biggest barriers to people pursuing their dreams. Robbins explains that people are most often afraid of failure, especially when it comes to going after what they want most. But she suggests that you only fail when you don’t act to create the life you want. If there's something you’ve always wanted to do, you’re the one who has to take steps to make it happen. She suggests that instead of letting fear paralyze you, reframe your fear as motivation to take action. Try setting a deadline or writing down the steps you need to take to accomplish your goals. According to Robbins, the key is to take a step toward your dream. No matter how small that step is, it has the potential to move you from fear to action.

(Shortform note: In Goals!, motivational speaker Brian Tracy suggests that expanding your knowledge is another tool to overcome fear. Tracy says educating yourself about what you fear and developing your skills will increase your competence and confidence in dealing with any situation you’re struggling with. However, be aware that information-gathering can also be used as a form of procrastination to delay acting on your goals.)

The second emotion that leads to negative self-talk is doubt. In the pursuit of your dreams, you’re bound to have moments of doubt where you wonder if you’re capable of tackling the challenges you face. Instead of listing the reasons why you aren’t ready or able, reframe the challenge as a learning experience. Robbins argues that each setback has the potential to teach you something that you need to know. Reframing doubt as a normal part of the growth process and an opportunity for self-reflection allows you to shift your focus from paralyzing uncertainty to curiosity and possibility.

(Shortform note: The ability to reframe a challenge as a learning experience is an example of what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a growth mindset. In Mindset, Dweck explains that a growth mindset is a belief in your capacity for growth and improvement. People with a growth mindset embrace challenges, seek feedback, and constantly strive to reach their full potential, viewing setbacks as valuable opportunities for growth. Dweck argues that cultivating a growth mindset not only leads to personal and intellectual development but also enhances motivation, achievement, and overall well-being. By believing in your capacity for growth and improvement, she explains, you’re more likely to fulfill your potential and thrive in all parts of your life.)

The third emotion is jealousy. It’s natural to compare ourselves to others and to feel jealous. Robbins explains that while many people think of jealousy as something to be avoided, the feeling can actually be a useful source of information. She argues that jealousy is a tool that helps show you what you want and what you deserve.

If you're jealous of something, it means that's something that you want. So instead of wallowing in jealousy, use it. Try to reframe jealousy as inspiration. If you want something, what do you need to do to get it? Robbins recommends using the people you’re jealous of as a resource. For example, if you’re jealous of a friend who has launched a new business, don’t talk about them—talk to them. They have the potential to be a valuable source of advice and mentorship. She reiterates that someone else’s success or happiness doesn't limit your potential for success or happiness. There's plenty to go around.

How to Approach Jealousy

In The Book of Joy, Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama offer additional strategies to address jealousy. Like Robbins, Tutu suggests that you can use jealousy as motivation. He also suggests counteracting jealousy by practicing gratitude for what you already have.

The Dalai Lama, on the other hand, identifies jealousy as a negative emotion that you can and should avoid before it even arises. Jealousy, he explains, is born out of consumer culture. So if you focus more on the acquisition of experience and knowledge rather than material items, you're less likely to suffer from jealousy. He also recommends the Buddhist practice of mudita, or sympathetic kindness—celebrating the successes and happiness of others—explaining that joy isn't a limited resource, and someone else’s joy should increase your joy, not diminish it.

The last emotion that can lead to a flood of negative thoughts is guilt. Robbins differentiates between two types of guilt—informative guilt (what Robbins calls productive guilt), which informs you when you’ve done something wrong that you need to fix, and unhelpful guilt (what Robbins calls unproductive guilt or shame), which makes you feel like you’re bad because of a mistake you’ve made. If you don’t know what kind of guilt you’re experiencing, ask yourself if what you’re feeling is helping you grow or making you feel worse about yourself. If it’s the latter, you’re probably suffering from unhelpful guilt.

(Shortform note: In The Power of Vulnerability, Brené Brown refers to unhelpful guilt as shame, an insecurity that attaches to self-identity and causes people to feel unworthy or unloveable. According to Brown, shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment. Because of this, shame feels isolating even though it's a universal experience. Brown suggests that empathy is the most powerful antidote to shame because it fosters connection, vulnerability, and understanding. She argues that by practicing empathy toward yourself and others, you can create an environment of compassion and acceptance that supports shame resilience and promotes emotional well-being.)

Robbins emphasizes that unproductive guilt is often self-imposed and frequently stems from the decision to prioritize your needs over those of other people. For example, you might feel guilty when you think about making someone angry, hurting them, or disappointing them. Instead, try to reframe the guilt as gratitude. For example, if you feel guilty for showing up late to a meeting because of a flat tire, you can reframe your guilt as gratitude for your colleague’s understanding and patience.

Additional Benefits of Gratitude

According to the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, gratitude is accepting and appreciating what exists without focusing on what you wish were different. In The Book of Joy, they explain that gratitude not only remedies negative emotions, like guilt but is a foundational practice of joy. Contrary to popular belief, they explain, gratitude doesn't stem from happiness; happiness increases the more that gratitude is expressed.

Furthermore, gratitude extends its benefits to others. They suggest that when individuals perceive lack or scarcity, their fear drives them to self-centered behavior. However, cultivating gratitude enables people to see the abundance in the world, fostering a willingness to act generously and compassionately toward others. Research supports this claim, indicating that regular expressions of gratitude are associated with greater empathy, helpfulness, and generosity within social networks.

Change Your Mind, Change Your Life

Robbins argues that shifting your focus from negative to positive self-talk and starting with a daily high five will help you realize your dreams. Capitalizing on the power of your brain’s RAS, you can align your thoughts and actions with your goals. She argues that when you visualize your dreams and consistently focus on them, your RAS increases your awareness of opportunities and resources that will help you get there.

(Shortform note: Robbins’s explanation of the power of the RAS closely aligns with The Law of Attraction, a theory popularized by Rhonda Byrne in her 2006 self-help book, The Secret. Byrne argues that our thoughts and emotions can shape our reality. She explains that by aligning your beliefs, intentions, and actions with your desired outcomes you can realize your dreams. Although there's no concrete scientific evidence supporting the existence of the Law of Attraction, proponents argue that it aligns with theories from quantum physics.)