PDF Summary:The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz

From birth, we’re trained to accept society’s rules as “the way things are,” but agreeing to these rules stops us from becoming our true selves. In The Four Agreements, don Miguel Ruiz draws on wisdom from the ancient Toltec civilization to lay out a path to a happier life: If we replace our ingrained assumptions about ourselves—the old agreements—with four new agreements, we can let go of limiting beliefs and live more freely and joyfully.

In this guide, we’ll explain why Ruiz says our lives are so often rife with conflict, both internal and external. Then, we’ll break down Ruiz’s advice on how to toss out the old agreements holding us back. Lastly, we’ll explain the four new agreements and discuss how to maintain them both with yourself and others. Throughout the guide, we’ll compare his ideas to related concepts in Buddhist philosophy and the works of authors like Tara Brach, Brené Brown, and Mel Robbins.

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(Shortform note: Tara Brach (Radical Acceptance) explains that resentment means “feeling again.” This framing suggests that the “parasitic” phenomenon Ruiz refers to partly stems from the repeated pain of remembering injustices against us. She says that each time we retell ourselves the story of how we were betrayed, we relive the hurtful experience. To eliminate resentment, we must recognize the difference between doing bad things and being a bad person—and therefore seeing the essential good in everyone, even those you feel have wronged you.)

Embrace Your Mortality

Lastly, Ruiz suggests that when you have a greater awareness of mortality, you have a clearer sense of how you want to spend your time. You’ll be less inclined to waste time fretting over past injustices and worrying what others think of you. And, you’ll be more likely to make the most of every day.

(Shortform note: The teachings of Buddhism also emphasize the importance of recognizing and accepting the impermanence of life, as Ruiz recommends. According to tradition, it was the problem of death that motivated the Buddha to begin his spiritual quest. Buddhism teaches that meditating on death and impermanence makes every moment you experience precious. Many philosophers and writers implore us to embrace mortality (a concept known as memento mori in Stoicism), and in Being Mortal, Atul Gawande suggests that one way to do this is to simply talk about aging and death more openly.)

The Four New Agreements

Ruiz explains that four agreements will bring back your personal power and help you break the cycle of limiting beliefs. We’ll break down each of these next.

The First Agreement: Be Careful and Honest with Your Words

Ruiz says this is the agreement on which all the other agreements rest. It may sound simple, but he notes that we’re often careless with our words, both with ourselves and others. We usually don’t intend to hurt anyone, but we forget the power words hold, and something cruel said in an offhand manner can have a lasting impact on someone’s life. Likewise, saying something honest and kind will have a lasting positive impact.

(Shortform note: In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman also discusses the power of language, particularly for people whose “love language” is words of affirmation. Chapman points out that even when you need to express anger or hurt, you can still use a gentle, kind tone to communicate it in a loving way. Similarly, in Crucial Conversations, the authors note that it’s easy to say things we’ll regret in high-stakes, emotional conversations where there’s disagreement. To avoid this, they recommend ensuring that both people have a shared purpose for the conversation and that the conditions are safe for everyone to contribute.)

Ruiz writes that the things we say to ourselves and others become part of us, and they form the basis of our agreements. For instance, imagine a young graphic designer who works in marketing and is full of unconventional, bold ideas for her company. When she pitches an idea, her manager, who’s juggling deadlines and feeling tense from a meeting that ran late, barely looks up and says, “Let’s stay realistic. We don’t need wild ideas right now.” This comment might cause the designer to form new agreements, like “Being imaginative is risky, and safe ideas are the only acceptable ones.”

(Shortform note: Although words can impact us deeply at any age, research suggests that this is particularly true during childhood, when criticism from adults can lead to long-term negative effects like depression, lower academic performance, and lower self-worth.)

Ruiz explains that to be careful and honest with your words, you should:

• Say only what you mean.
• Stop your internal negative self-talk (such as statements like “I’m stupid”).
• Refrain from gossiping (a toxic form of communication).

By maintaining these practices, you can use the power of words to bolster yourself and others, rather than spreading negativity.

The First Agreement and Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (Marshall B. Rosenberg) may be a helpful framework for implementing Ruiz’s advice about how to use language carefully. Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a nonjudgmental and compassionate way of speaking that includes four steps: observe, identify and state feelings, identify and state needs, then make a request. Here, we’ll break down Ruiz’s key points and how nonviolent communication can help with each:

Say only what you mean: By taking a beat to accurately identify your emotions and needs, you might be less likely to say something impulsive that you don’t really mean.

Stop your internal negative self-talk: Over time, critical self-talk can evolve into debilitating shame that prevents us from showing up authentically for others. Rosenberg notes that NVC can be used as a way to approach your own self-talk. To create a more compassionate internal dialogue, focus on feelings and needs rather than self-judgment. Instead of thinking, “I’m so stupid,” practice thinking, “What unmet need prompted me to act that way?”

Refrain from gossiping: Rosenberg also writes that making moralistic judgments of others is really a roundabout way of expressing our own values and needs. A key part of NVC is focusing on the self (by using “I” statements) and avoiding the types of judgments that typically come up when gossiping. Statements like, “She’s a rude person,” might become, “I feel underappreciated when she doesn’t thank me for my work.” Furthermore, the compassionate, nonviolent approach would be to communicate something like this directly to the other person.

The Second Agreement: Hold Criticism Lightly

Ruiz says that when someone gives you negative input, it says more about the other person than you. In fact, whether it’s good or bad, don’t accept others’ judgment of you (or your own negative self-judgment). Instead, remember:

• Others see the world with different eyes.
• Everyone’s truth is their own.
• If someone gets mad at you, they’re likely dealing with their own issues.

Ruiz asserts that when we’re immune to the careless comments and actions of others, it allows us to be vulnerable and open to love.

(Shortform note: In The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins makes a similar case, asserting that you’ll find greater peace, confidence, and self-determination by focusing on your own thoughts and actions rather than trying to control other people. When you say “Let Them,” you consciously detach from other people’s behaviors, opinions, and emotional reactions, freeing you from wasting time and energy on things you can’t control. And when you say “Let Me,” you empower yourself to focus on your values, your attitude, and your actions. These phrases might be particularly useful since, as Ruiz notes, people often use their words carelessly and may not truly mean what they say.)

The Third Agreement: Don’t Assume—Ask Questions

Ruiz says that making assumptions inevitably leads to misunderstandings between people. We then argue, get offended, and take the issue personally. In addition, when we make assumptions, we might overanalyze a situation and make a decision based on bad information.

For example, when a friend texts you with what appears to be a curt tone, you might take offense, assume it’s because you did something wrong, and distance yourself from that person. However, it’s possible you misinterpreted the situation, and your distancing and anxiety (based on a bad assumption) might make things worse when there wasn’t truly anything wrong to begin with.

So how do you stop making assumptions and jumping to conclusions? Ruiz says to first be aware of your tendency to make assumptions, since we can’t change what we’re not aware of. Second, try to communicate openly and make a habit of asking questions so you can make decisions based on facts rather than assumptions.

(Shortform note: In Difficult Conversations, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen make a similar point that we should replace certainty with curiosity. However, they also add a few nuances to Ruiz’s advice: First, they say to acknowledge that both perspectives are valid. Your feelings might be hurt, even if your assumption about another person was wrong. Second, you should avoid negative assumptions, but they recommend assuming the other person has positive intentions. And lastly, if someone accuses you of having bad intentions, avoid being reflexively defensive and question yourself to examine your true intentions. They argue that these steps will help you start difficult conversations on the right foot.)

The Fourth Agreement: Always Give Your Best Effort

Ruiz asserts that this final agreement will allow the other three to become more deeply ingrained and effective. After all, the first three agreements can truly work only if you do your best, day in and day out. However, Ruiz also emphasizes that it’s important to remember that your best can change from moment to moment. Your best when you’re tired or sick will be different from your best when you’re healthy. That’s OK.

Here are Ruiz’s tips for always giving your best effort:

Let go of the past. Don’t judge yourself for past shortcomings. What’s important is what you do from this point forward. (Shortform note: In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle recommends using your body as a tool to pull your mind back into the present. When you have negative feelings about the past or anxiety about the future, pay attention to your breathing, close your eyes, relax your body, and take a few deep breaths.)

Learn to say “no” and “yes” when you want to. You’ll stop yourself from taking on things you don’t want to do, and you’ll spend your time doing your best at things that uplift you. (Shortform note: Gary Keller’s The One Thing notes that it’s human nature to want to be helpful to others, but the more things you say “yes” to, the less successful you’ll be at any of them. He offers tips on saying “no” in ways that are diplomatic and helpful to the other person, like suggesting someone else who might say yes or suggesting another approach that doesn’t require your help.)

Keep trying if you fall short on following the four agreements. Do your best in the moment, and remember that your best effort is always relative to your circumstances at any given time. (Shortform: In The 5 AM Club, Robin Sharma asserts that success isn’t linear or achieved by nonstop maximum effort. Instead, it’s more like a pendulum, cycling between high-effort periods and cycles of rejuvenation and rest. This aligns with Ruiz’s point that your best effort will vary over time. And if you do falter in trying to follow the four agreements, experts say that practicing self-compassion is more likely to help you bounce back from mistakes than self-criticism.)